work in progress

2011-02-17T11:32:00.002-06:00

dear internets, after 8 and 1/2 years and 606 posts, i’m leaving blogger and joining tumblr. in an effort to refresh my online self, i am going to start from scratch and post content more interesting than how just i feel about having a baby, though i’m sure there will be plenty of henry there. cooking, crafts, photos, who knows. friends, i hope i am able to introduce you something, inspire you, or otherwise occasionally entertain you.

i’m also going to quit twitter cold turkey, limiting my social media to tumblr and facebook so i can spend more time living my life and less time trying to update people about it. so many changes!

thanks for reading.

xoxo -emily
http://emilyberman.tumblr.com/

2011-02-10T10:39:00.003-06:00

it's incredible to me how many of my friendships have been altered by having a baby, both positively and negatively. i knew dynamics would change, but the way the have has surprised me. as always, i'm saddened by the friends i'm drifting away from - i hate losing people. but it's putting things in perspective in a great way that i have never experienced before. really knowing who our good friends are and recognizing that there are people we are unintentionally letting go.

i've finally gotten a bit antsy about staying home, feeling a little bored and stuck in the house as temperatures remain low. i knew it would happen eventually, being indoors in our tiny little home day in and day out. henry and i try plan activities outside of the house at least a few times a week, visiting friends, running errands. we have playdates with his friend owen, 3 months his senior. we visit with sophie, 4 months his junior. but i'm looking forward to all of the fun things we'll do when the weather turns over and we can leave the house without bundling up quite so tight. when we can take the stroller out. when henry can stay awake long enough to enjoy the zoo and the nature museum and the lake shore.

but in the meantime i'm missing something. we read books and we sing songs and play with toys and henry sits in the highchair while momma cooks. we clean the house together, fold diapers, take lots of photos and videos and take a photobooth photo to email to poppa every day. and henry still takes 4 short naps a day. i guess now that we have a pretty good routine i have the luxury of getting bored with it. and since we converted our office/craft room to baby henry's room, my crafts are off limits while he's sleeping, which isn't working so well. i always think of something to create or to fiddle around with while he's sleeping, rather than planning and pulling out the necessary supplies before he goes down for his nap. i have made a few small things for him since he joined us, a pennant banner for his wall and...wait...i think that's it. i miss being creative, having the space and time to play with my crafts, fabrics, paints. my creative energy is itching to get out, i just haven't figured out how to make that happen yet.

at henry's last pediatrician visit, his doctor told us to start on solids at his 4 month adjusted age (from his due date rather than his birth date), and i'm reading up on baby led weaning. i am excited to introduce henry to real foods, and am even excited to start pureeing things, but letting him lead the way and experiment with textures right from the get go seems so natural to me. i don't know anyone who has done it this way, but i think i might like to give it a try. or at least do some combination of introducing foods, if possible.

in the meantime i'm trying to start experimenting in the kitchen more, trying new recipes, actually reading my cookbooks and cooking magazines that have been gathering dust for the last year. i've become so comfortable with my staple recipes that i've neglected searching for new options. but every time i make something new that we like, it ends up in our rotation, and the rotation is getting too big to allow for nights of experimentation. i'm going to have to retire a few things.

i remember a few staple foods from my childhood - taco night, meatloaf, grilled chicken and pork tenderloin, frozen succotash. i wonder what henry will remember - if i'll make the same dishes consistently enough for him to have his favorites that he'll ask for when he's home from college. i sort of hope not. i hope he just misses his momma's cooking in general.

2010-12-30T15:35:00.002-06:00

year in review, 2010.

i worked in a kitchen all year, both helping to manage it and cooking in it for both myself and others. i put myself in difficult situations, i learned to work within budgets and constraints and without proper kitchen equipment. i learned more about my capacity as a chef, what i do and don't want for my future career. i learned a lot of new recipes. and i learned that i need to find a way to keep better track of them.

i did a lot of resting in 2010. i worked part time the entire year, having days off that i'd never had before. i became one of those people who do liesurely lunches with friends on weekdays. i explored selfish hobbies with my time off, doing a lot of reading, a lot of canning, a lot of planning for my future. and a lot of napping.

but still, 2010 was a challenge. and i was pregnant for the majority of it. and then i had a baby! anything else i accomplished in 2010 pales in comparison. it still seems so unreal to me that this perfect little creature belongs to us. henry is amazing and beautiful and more perfect than i could have hoped for. and motherhood has been so incredible, i've acclimated to it like it was always meant to be, and for the most part i always knew that. 2010 was the year my son was born. 2010 a year i will never, ever forget.

my hopes for 2011 rest mainly on my child's growth and happiness. to be a good mom, to raise a happy and well adjusted baby. 2010 was incredible, but i have no doubt that 2011 will be even better.

2010-11-23T11:29:00.002-06:00

i was just thinking i hadn't written here in a while, and then i see that it's been 6 weeks. time flies when you're preoccupied with your infant. i've been prioritizing.

i'm going to take a break from here for a while, see how it goes. i've been keeping this blog for too many years to give it up entirely, though i'm not sure many people read it anyway. it's stubbornness on my part, i hate giving up.

henry is so great and i love being a mom. staying at home has been wonderful but also challenging as i don't have many other stay at home mom friends to share my days with. i've felt totally on the outside as most of my friends have gone back to work or are hiring nannys, staying at home isn't the norm. i get mixed responses from people about my decision to stay home, from "that's great" and huge smiles, to "oh, really?" and confused crinkled foreheads from people i least expect. it was a decision i'm happy we made, one we made before i was even pregnant, and one that has definitely come with some amount of hardship, but for me, i couldn't imagine anything else. for our family it just made sense. i miss the extra income, the adult interaction, the professional fulfillment, but i'll get that all back some day.

so many things make so much sense to me now that i'm a mom. i understand the hardship of caring for an infant and trying to maintain an identity, to keep some sense of self and not get lost in motherhood. i understand unconditional love more than i ever thought i could. i understand why so many women stop breastfeeding (it's hard!). and how large families happen (i already miss the first few weeks of infancy and dream of having another baby just to experience it again).

i also know that this is both the hardest and easiest thing i have ever done. hardest with the sleep deprivation, the length of time it's taking to get a handle on breastfeeding, the responsibility and fear related to raising this child right. easiest in that it is all coming naturally to me, and i've never been so happy, fulfilled and calm. i'm surprising myself every day.

we'll be updating henryberman.com with photos, videos and tidbits from our henry's little life, and i'll probably post here every once in a while. after i get a bit more settled i might start a cooking project i've been kicking around for a while, but i am going to distance myself from the internet a bit and spend more time with my flesh and blood and less time with my laptop.

xoxo

2010-10-10T22:05:00.003-05:00

mr henry allen berman was born sunday, october 03, 2010 at 12:00 am on the dot, surprising us almost 4 full weeks before his expected due date. he weighed 6 lbs 2 oz and measured 19 inches in length, pretty good for technically being a preemie!

labor and delivery were fast and furious and everything i could have asked for, with a healthy baby and everyone recovering quickly. henry is now one week old, and craig and i are amazed at how amazing our life is with our little boy. i couldn't be more happy right now with my little family.

henry's uncle brett set up a website for us to keep our out of town family updated on his cuteness - henryberman.com. we'll be posting photos and videos there, mostly for the grandparents, but feel free to check in to see what he's been up to.

2010-09-24T12:11:00.002-05:00

autumn has always been my favorite season, hands down. perhaps it's my tendency towards layering my clothes, my love for squashes of all sizes and colors, warm comforting braised dishes, and my late october birthday. perhaps it's the transition from wild hot summer fun to chilly holiday hibernation. either way, this autumn is sure to be the most memorable with the upcoming birth of my son.

my favorite things about autumn:
- scarves, cardigans and boots
- apple cider and maple syrup and butternut squash
- braised meats
- the changing leaves, however short the transition lasts
- caramel apples!
- brussel sprouts and bacon
- tights and light jackets and flannel
- the chill in the air that makes your nose cold but doesn't yet touch your core
- colors like brown and grey and mustard and rust
- pumpkins, pumpkin pies, pumpkin seeds, even the smell of smashed pumpkins on the streets
- candles and fires in the fireplace
- celebrating getting another year older, and from now on sharing that joy with my child

i'm so glad we are having a baby in the fall, before the snow and cold sets in, giving us two good reasons to settle in for the winter months.

2010-09-22T09:22:00.002-05:00

i'm almost 35 weeks pregnant now, which means just about a month to go. i'm starting to get a touch nervous, not for the actual birth but for the changes our lives will suddenly as we turn into parents next month. one day we can be selfish and go to bed when we want and run out to dinner on a whim and the next day we have a little helpless baby who needs us to devote our entire selves, day in and day out, to him. with the overwhelming love i already feel for this little guy in my belly i'm more than happy to do it, i'm just nervous that even with our library of preparatory reading and talking to other parents we don't really totally know what we're in for.

i also had a realization recently about my wardrobe. i've been dreaming of getting my waist back (which i know will take some time) and fitting into my old clothes again (along with some new ones). in the meantime i've also been stocking up on nursing items and planning for breastfeeding, and i've realized that many of my old clothes aren't going to work so well for a stay at home breastfeeding mom. cute dresses and fitted tops are 100% impractical if i'm going to be trying to breastfeed anywhere i can't disrobe completely, not to mention that i'll be spending my days on the sofa and the floor with my little one (and my two cats - i have a serious thing against pet hair on my clothes...yuck!) so comfort and accessibility will be top priority over cuteness and fashion. how do i keep my style during this transition into motherhood?

i have finished all of my birthing books and am practicing stretching and relaxation techniques in preparation for the unmedicated birth that i'm planning for. we've taken the classes and i'm mentally and physically gearing up for the marathon experience. i'm actually really looking forward to it, and i've been able to let go of any fear i had of the pain and discomfort i will be going through. my only fear is in my ability to let go of control, to let the organic process take charge. i like to be in control - if you know me at all you are nodding your head right now - and though i'm controlling the parts that i can (my care provider, my labor support person, the knowledge i'm coming into this with), i know that things can go a different way than i have planned and i am not sure how to prepare for that. i guess accepting the fact that things can go differently is the first step.

i'm also preparing myself for the helplessness i will feel after birth, for letting friends and family in to take care of us and help us through the first few weeks. i'm a stubborn self sufficient person, so letting my mom cook for me and do laundry and help with the baby will be difficult for me. not to mention when my in laws and my other parents arrive - i'm a hostess and not being on my game is going to be a mental challenge for me. i know i'll have probably the only good excuse i'll ever have to not have a fully stocked fridge and a perfectly clean house, but it's still going to be tough to let go of who i am (hostess, entertainer) in order to concentrate on the more important person who i have become (mom).

i apologize that this has turned into my pregnancy therapy blog of sorts! it's easy to say a thing like pregnancy won't take over your life but the simple fact is that it does. becoming a parent is the biggest change most of us will ever go through in life, it's hard not to think about it day in and day out. there is so much planning that goes into these 40 weeks, new priorities, new experiences, new goals. this is the biggest part of who i am now.

2010-08-26T09:11:00.003-05:00

i am an incredibly lucky woman. this has hit me more and more as i've grown older, and especially now, in my 7th month of pregnancy, as i reflect on the easy time i've had so far being with child. i've had a flexible work schedule with understanding employers, the freedom to rest and put my feet up when i really need it, a supportive husband who waits on me hand and foot and doesn't hesitate to give me a message at my slightest demand, and a body that so easily adapted to pregnancy i'm still in awe by it. other than the 6 or so weeks of constant nausea (that i have nearly forgotten the extent of by now), pregnancy for me has been a breeze. i'm incredibly happy with how i've been carrying this child, my body hasn't changed dramatically except for the basketball i'm carrying in front of me.

people keep asking me if i'm done being pregnant yet, if i'm exhausted by it and ready to have my body back. my answer: not yet. i'm still glowing and happy and comfortable with this baby in side of me. i love feeling him move, even at 4 am. i miss laying on my stomach, but it still makes me laugh when he kicks in protest as i inadvertently put pressure on my belly. i am looking forward to shopping for "normal" clothes again this winter - dresses with defined waists and shirts that don't have to be stretchy - but i'm loving my pregnancy wardrobe. (those full panel maternity leggings are the best invention ever!) i have been lax on the recommended food restrictions -i've really only totally avoided raw fish and shellfish and unpasteurized dairy (not that i come across it on a regular basis anyway) - but i do miss having a manhattan. i've had a half glass of wine or beer here and there, but bourbon, oh how i miss bourbon.

my motto for the past 7 months, and for the foreseeable future: keep it simple. don't overdo it. take it easy. i have to remind myself as i prepare for house guests, make plans with friends and family, plan for this baby and organize his nursery, and cook dinner. it's a good attitude to adopt in general, and i hope my logistics loving self can keep it after my son is born.

i love simple rustic food, sometimes with timely preparations, but using simple ingredients cooked in basic ways. roasting a chicken, braising a pork shoulder, simple grains and salads. these are the staples for the way that i cook. foods like these are comforting and casual, easy to share. and one of my favorite deceptively simple things to make is shortbread. 4 basic ingredients that everyone has in their kitchen, plus one or two extra if you want to be fancy. and who doesn't love a good shortbread cookie?

here's my basic recipe, with recommendations for just a few of the endless options for additions. i hope you enjoy it!

oh so simple shortbread

2 cups all purpose flour

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup cold butter, cut into cubes

dash of kosher salt

granulated sugar to top

optional flavor additions:

2 tbsp finely chopped fresh herb (basil, thyme, lemon balm, rosemary)

1 tbsp finely grated lemon or lime zest

a little more salt, plus flaky maldon sea salt to top (my favorite)

2 -3 tbsp cocoa powder

preheat oven to 400 degrees. throw everything into a food processor and process until dough comes together, just 2-3 minutes. from here you can do two things: press the dough into a parchment lined jelly roll pan, spread until smooth and chill for 30 minutes, or wrap the dough in plastic and chill for 30 minutes to roll out and use cookie cutters. if you decide to use the jelly roll pan, press it into the pan making sure it is about 1/4 inch thick. use a knife to score the top of the shortbread to make cutting or breaking apart easier after baking. if you decide to roll the dough out and use cookie cutters, make sure the dough is very cold, roll it out to 1/4 inch thick, using a bit of flour to prevent sticking, and a floured spatula to help lift the cookies from the work surface onto a parchment lined cookie sheet. sprinkle extra sugar on top of the shortbread and slide into the oven. turn the oven down to 350 and bake for 10-15 minutes, (a little longer for the jelly roll pan to allow the center to cook evenly), turning the pan halfway through, until ever so slightly brown. the cookies won't look done, but if check the bottom of the cookie and it is lightly brown, it's done. it is important not to overbake these. if you wait until the edges crisp and the top gets medium brown like a chocolate chip cookie, you'll have crispy crackly shortbread instead of the crumbly cakey shortbread we're after here. cool on a cooling rack and enjoy.

i like to serve mine with homemade ice cream or sorbet, but they're also great as sandwich cookies with a little buttercream or chocolate ganache.

...or more appropriately simply by themselves with a cup of coffee or tea.

enjoy!

2010-08-16T13:44:00.003-05:00

my "6 hours to myself today to get a bunch of crap done" did not result in many items getting crossed off of my to do list. instead i 1) found a swanky 50's inspired resort for us to stay at in door county over labor day weekend, 2) showered, 3) located and purchased shelving for the nursery on the internet, and 4) had a successful dry run of my hairdo for my 60's prom themed costume for this weekend. i wish i had time for a nap, but my 6 hours are nearly up.

i did not manage to 1) put away the laundry, 2) return the phone call to my insurance company from last week, 3) can the pounds of tomatoes in that bowl on the counter, or 4) reorganize/clean out my kitchen cabinets. maybe tomorrow.

our plethora of birth/baby classes has begun with a cloth diapering class yesterday. we were 99.99% decided on using cloth, and now we're at 100% with a firm decision on the system we plan to use. it was super helpful to hear a mom of 3 talk about her experience, down to her daily diapering and laundry routine, making the whole process much less daunting. and the diapers themselves - there are so many options! regular old grandma's cloth diapers with covers, prefolds with covers (and then there are indian or chinese prefolds), pocket diapers, all-in-ones, combo cloth/disposable systems, etc etc. and they all do the same thing, keeping poop and pee off of you and your stuff. we're going with prefolds and covers for cost, ease of use, and minimizing laundry bulk. i'm actually really excited to be saving money and the landfill by using cloth, and to avoid putting synthetic materials and chemicals on my baby's genitals.

we had a lovely woodland themed baby shower on saturday, complete with leaves and acorns and little woodland creatures. it was loads of fun, and we feel so lucky and honored to have so many fabulous creative friends who love us. xoxo, you guys!

i'm having some wardrobe issues - i've always had this thing where i don't wear the articles of clothing in my closet that i really love very often for fear of wearing them out, and now that my body is changing every week, i'm missing the windows of opportunities to wear things. so this week i'm wearing everything i love, with no fear. pregnancy is too short to keep wearing the same t-shirts over and over.

2010-08-10T23:22:00.002-05:00

the weeks have been slipping away as my stomach grows and my bookshelf overflows with dozens of books on pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, parenting and cooking. i'm trying to keep my life well rounded, but it's hard. we're excited and all i think about is this baby that kicks me nonstop. i'm not complaining, i love feeling him move around, and i'm going to miss it something fierce once he's born. though i'm sure i'll have lots of other things to love and think about missing as he passes from one stage to the next. i'm both happy and sad to be in my third trimester - so glad i've made it healthy and trouble free this far, so happy that we're closer to meeting our son, and so sad that pregnancy will be over in 12 weeks or so. i really love being pregnant.

the nursery has come together nicely, we just need to hang some artwork and buy a wall shelf. and finish filling out his wardrobe and make sure we have all those little things that one needs for a baby. like diapers. we're going to tackle using cloth diapers, we actually have a cloth diapering class on sunday. and a baby shower on saturday.

everything is babies right now.

except the cooking part. as soon as i'm finished working (just a few more weeks) i'm going to start canning and freezing food for after bb arrives. i have a list of ideas and recipes and foods that i know i'll want to have in the house but might not have the energy or time to prepare. and my christmas canning needs to happen early this year as well. i need to experiment with some new jams and spreads and sauces that might make good gifts. i'm looking forward to spending some time concentrating on something other than this tiny child growing inside of me. keep my mind off of labor and breastmilk and sleepless nights. and the excitement of meeting and caring for this little guy who i already love more than i thought i could love anything.

pregnancy hormones.

2010-06-24T08:31:00.003-05:00

bb has been kicking and moving and flipping around for the past two weeks, feelings that are still new and novel to me and therefore still excite me each time i sense them. when i eat something sugary he is even more active, and it's funny to be able to feel that effect. we've been brainstorming more names, even though we have one that we adore, and now we have two full names that will be hard to choose between after he's born. but choices are good. i like to have options.

as my stomach has been pushing ever outward i've been forced to rework my wardrobe and rethink my summer fashion. a few pieces i thought i'd wear while pregnant are definitely not going to work, so i'm sticking with the few pairs of maternity jeans and shorts i've purchased paired with layering t-shirts, tank tops and cardigans, and a slew of stretchy jersey dresses. like this amazing dress i bought in navy on a whim from the gap last week. i think i'm going to wear it all summer. belts are definitely a pregnant woman's friend when it comes to looking flattering in a dress, it helps define the belly. i have a few tunic style dresses that i just haven't wanted to wear because they just make me look huge and round instead of just plain old me with a belly. i think tighter clothes that define my pregnant figure are definitely better for my small stature. i think i can handle the rest of the summer with my current wardrobe and minimal, if any more, maternity shopping, but if the weather chills too much before i deliver i'll be in trouble. i have zero jackets and long sleeve shirts that will fit me at 8-9 months pregnant.

angelic organics started last week with a bounty of greens and herbs, and after working the green city market yesterday for pasta puttana and coming home with even more bounty of fruits and tomatoes, we're definitely stocked with a healthy fridge. last night i made a swiss chard and shredded chicken gratin with garlic scapes and gruyere cheese. it was delightful.

swiss chard and shredded chicken gratin with garlic scapes and gruyere

1 tbsp butter

1/2 cup breadcrumbs

- melt butter in a small saucepan and add breadcrumbs. toss to coat and cook over medium heat for 2-3 minutes to lightly toast. set aside.

1 tbsp butter

1 tbsp flour

1 cup milk

dash freshly grated nutmeg

salt and pepper

- in another small pot, melt butter and add flour, stirring constantly for 2-3 minutes to form the roux. carefully add the milk and whisk every few seconds until thick. add nutmeg and s&p to taste. set aside.

1 tbsp butter (or chicken fat, if you have it)

3-4 garlic scapes

2 slices bacon (or some ham or pancetta, whatever you have)

1 cup shredded chicken (leftover roast chicken works great)

large bunch of kale

- saute garlic scapes and bacon in butter/fat until bacon has given up most of its fat. add kale and toss until wilted. drain any excess liquid from the pan. add chicken and stir until heated through.

1 cup shredded gruyere cheese

1/4 cup parmesan cheese

- add sauce to kale/chicken mixture, add half of the cheeses and stir. pour into a dish and top with remaining cheese and breadcrumb mixture. bake fro 20-30 minutes until top is lightly brown and sauce is bubbly. serve with a fresh tomato salad. enjoy!

2010-06-17T09:07:00.002-05:00

i haven't been cooking much recently and it makes me sad. i've been working, socializing, ordering delivery (something we rarely if ever did before i became pregnant) and eating out way more than i probably should be. i've been preparing quick pasta and shrimp dishes, eating eggs for dinner and lots and lots of cereal. i've come back around to using cow milk instead of my old standby of rice or almond milk. whole cow milk. i would have never imagined i'd be drinking something that used to initiate my gag reflex so consistently. pregnancy does weird things to your taste buds.

we did visit our farmers market last week and i bought a bunch of green garlic for the first time, and a few stems of rhubarb that i've been contemplating what else to do with. the green garlic has been sauteed with heirloom tomatoes and tossed with pasta, scrambled with eggs, minced and folded into crabcakes and gently sauteed and mixed into a green garlic aioli. i still have 3 or 4 stems left, and i just might pickle them. i've had a hankering for pickled things, totally stereotypical for the pregnant lady. the rhubarb has been quick pickled and also simmered and mashed with apples, and i still have some left for a lovely balsamic braised dish i've been meaning to try. or maybe some rhubarb ice cream. or possibly a simple rhubarb syrup to mix with some club soda for a summer mocktail.

our angelic organic csa starts this saturday, and as we are taking the whole share for ourselves this year, i hope my inspiration to cook skyrockets as soon as i see the veggies. although we begin with lots and lots of salad fixins - which will probably be a good launch into summertime eating for us. i hope to can a good amount of our produce this summer to save for fall and winter months to allow us to spend more time with our baby boy than contemplating dinner ideas.

i'm feeling him kick a lot now, which is still more comforting and smile inducing than annoying because it is still so new. each time i feel him my hand flies to my stomach to try to catch movement from the outside. this morning i felt a nudge with my hand for the first time. my little guy is active in there. hopefully craig will be able to feel him soon.

we have a few names that we like, but we are waiting until he's born to decide on a permanent one. we have fewer boy names that we like than girl names, which makes it difficult. i feel all of this pressure to come up with a list of 4 or 5, just in case his little newborn face doesn't match the #1 name we have picked out for him. and we have two middle names - one to honor my mother and one for my father - we'll just wait and see which first name fits our little one to decide which middle name fills the name out best. it's a big decision naming a child. he will love it and resent it at different points in his life, i'm sure, no matter what we decide.

i've been working a bit more in the kitchen, and am quickly learning my pregnant body limits on standing and moving around. i'm so glad my schedule is fairly flexible to allow rest in between long cooking days, but i'm also happy to be keeping busy. i'm going to begin a prenatal yoga routine next week to help alleviate some of the backaches i've been having and hopefully reverse the sciatica that has returned after a 3 year hiatus.

other than minor aches and pains from standing in the kitchen i feel great. pregnancy is treating me quite well, and i am definitely feeling the glow. i'm 21 weeks today. over half way there!

2010-06-10T22:34:00.003-05:00

IT'S A BOY!

we had our 20 week ultrasound today and confirmed, without a doubt, that we are having a son. i cried, which i think i would have done either way, but i think that deep down i really wanted a boy. so there you go!

everything measured perfectly, normal and expected. we couldn't ask for a more healthy pregnancy so far. blood test results come back with numbers as if i were in my 20's, no complications to speak of, i'm feeling great and thoroughly enjoying being pregnant. i am actually really sad that it's already half over.

it's funny knowing the gender of the little baby growing inside of me. now i can imagine how he will look, think about his personality, dream solidly about little boy things. it's also funny knowing that we won't have a daughter. for the last 20 weeks we have daydreamed about our little boy or girl, going through scenarios with each gender, loving both the son and the daughter we imagined at different time that we'd have. today one of those doors closed, and i'm mourning a bit for it. i think when i cried as the ultrasound tech finished up her measurements i was also crying for the death, so to speak, of the dream our future daughter. of the pink and ruffles and long curly hair and ballet and ponies and mermaids. i would have cried for the loss of a dream of a son as well. i guess i was destined to cry either way.

i think we will be a one child family, but only time will tell. maybe my dreams of teaching a little girl how to put on lip gloss and sewing party dresses will change my mind in a few years and we'll have another baby, hoping for a girl this time. but if we had another son, i don't think i can take the emotional baggage of knowing that i had a baby just to have a girl and it wasn't. i'm sure all parents go through this. life is complicated.

i am still sort of in shock, i keep forgetting that i know i am going to raise a little boy. then i daydream about tiny three piece suits with bow ties, and trains and tigers and playing in the dirt. of teaching my son to be a gentleman, to open doors for ladies and say thank you and please.

i have many hopes for him, and they grow every minute. i hope he is creative, like his parents. i hope he isn't a picky eater. i hope he has his daddy's smile. i hope he loves to learn. i hope he has hazel eyes like both craig and i do. i hope he loves to camp with his daddy and cook with his mommy. i hope we can teach him to be generous, kind, and thoughtful.

i could elaborate, but i won't write a book here. boy oh boy. a boy!!

2010-06-05T10:40:00.002-05:00

and, i can eat wheat again! i had a second opinion with a new doctor and he doubts my original celiac diagnoses. since tuesday i have eaten pizza, bread, pasta, burger buns, crackers and cookies and i feel fine. no more eliminating fabulous gluten from my diet! yay!

i guess i'm going through a nesting phase, though it's probably been happening for months already. it's coming to a frantic height right now, i'm looking at painters, new furniture and reorganization in every room of the house. trying to fit everything into my measly home improvement budget is going to be a challenge, but it's fun to visualize and dream.

our microwave died a few weeks ago, so i'm replacing it with a microwave/convection oven. i think i'll use the convection more than the actual microwave, so it seemed like a worthwhile upgrade. now i can bake! and roast meat! at the same time! wish craig luck figuring out how to install the thing when it gets here next week.

i've started to feel the baby move a little bit. little flutters and bubbles. i can't pinpoint the exact moment i decided it was the baby and not my lunch, but it's comforting to finally feel movement in there. we listen to bb's heartbeat once a week, but little feelings on odd occasions are a nice reminder that there's actually a little person in there. i'm sure in a few more months i'll be saying otherwise as i'm kept awake at night, but for now it's all still new and exciting.

we find out in less than a week our baby's gender. we both have a feeling that it might be a boy, but that isn't based on anything very scientific. we keep referring to bb as "he", and i keep having images of a little boy in my head, but who knows. any bets on what we'll have?

i'm working on getting my canning mojo back now that summer is here. i processed a batch of chicken stock in the pressure canner this week, and am planning on a large batch of sundried tomato jam in the coming few weeks. our farmers market open this weekend and i'm going to see what's available to inspire me for some other canning projects. i want to have plenty of stockpiled food once this baby comes, pickled, preserved and pressure canned.

2010-05-30T16:43:00.003-05:00

i just ate an entire half roll of necco wafers to get to the only chocolate one in the whole roll that was nestled safely in the center, because the chocolate ones are really the best ones, which is probably why they make this. why i didn't buy the chocolate roll is beyond me. i can't be trusted to make decisions lately. in the process of eating the original wafers i did throw a few of the liquorice ones on the ground, because those are gross. now i feel like i need to eat a chicken breast and half a head of broccoli to offset the sugar i just ingested.

i've rediscovered cucumber slices in my water, thanks to bagel on damen, which serves both coffee and bagels, two things i can't consume right now, but has a huge container of cucumber water for me to fill my cup with. i've been enjoying my own cucumber water at home and on the go for the past few days now. thanks, guys!

i forgot that i look good in pinks and rose, cranberry and mauve. i've been really into navy and black and grey for a while, probably because due to winter seasonal affective disorder to some extent, and mostly because they have been slimming on my ever rounder figure. now that my belly is so painfully obviously pregnant and not just pudgy, and the weather is warmer and the sun is shining, i'm branching out to more colors. and techno tribal dresses, which, apparently, is the new hot look. my closet now looks like summer.

i finally got around to watching the business of being born, which, though totally one sided, was really quite good. it put into words and images everything i've already been feeling about the birth experience on my own - that hospital guidelines and rules push women to birth in positions and with drugs which hinder the natural process that a woman's body is meant to go through. i'm not at all interested in birthing at home, but i want to make my own decisions about how long i labor and when an intervention is necessary. (along with my midwife, of course.) women have been giving birth for thousands of years without pitocin and epidurals, our bodies are hard wired to do this. i really want to experience every part of this birth and avoid medications that could affect my baby and myself in negative ways. i really feel that if you go into an experience without fear, you are better equipped to handle it, so i'm reading and hearing stories and educating myself as much as possible so i am comfortable with what my body is already prepared to do in 5 more months. and i believe that will help me cope with what i am sure will be the most painful, frightening, enjoyable, emotional, and amazing experience of my life. i'm also trying not to get my hopes up too much just in case i have a situation that will make an intervention necessary. ok, i will get off my soapbox now.

2010-05-24T22:17:00.002-05:00

numbers

2 - the number of days per week i've been working the past month or so.

3 - the number of jobs i have now, all food related.

4 - the number of days per week i will be working for the rest of the summer. bummer.

5 - the number of pounds i have gained since getting knocked up.

8 - the number of days until i meet with a second gastroenterologist who may possibly (fingers crossed) tell me that i can eat gluten again.

10 - the number of boxes of gluten free waffles from the case i impulse bought that i have left to eat really quickly just in case i can eat real waffles again soon.

12 - the number of foods/restaurants on my "things to eat immediately after being told i can eat gluten again" list.

17 - the number of weeks pregnant i am.

20 - the number of pounds i feel like i look like i've gained since getting knocked up.

24 - the number of hours in a day that i think about food recently.

2010-05-10T19:31:00.003-05:00

my little brother is recently engaged and starting a new life near us in chicago. i love love love his fiance, we are becoming quite close and i think of her as the little sister i never had. i am so thrilled that she will be joining our family for good, and maybe even sooner than the summer 2012 wedding they originally planned for....

a few months ago i saw a contest for a dream wedding giveaway for an amazing wedding here in chicago this fall, on 11/11/10. phil and katelin planned on having their wedding in virginia, so i forwarded the contest link to katelin and asked her if she'd consider having their wedding here in chicago if it happened to be free. she entered and we all forgot about it. until this week when katelin received an email that she and phil made it to the top 10 semi-finalists!

i'm so excited for them i can barely stand it! aside from the fact that the wedding date is a mere 2 weeks after i am due to deliver our baby, I REALLY WANT THEM TO WIN! i will hobble down the aisle post delivery in a maternity bridesmaid dress with a crying baby if i have to! my brother is in law school, with loans piling up around his ears, and katelin just started a job here in chicago after being unemployed for many months. neither of our families have the means to pay for their true dream wedding, which is part of the reason they planned such a long engagement. winning this contest would change everything for them and help them begin their married life without the debt of a wedding looming over them.

the top 10 couples and their stories are featured on the contest website for people to vote on their favorite couple to narrow down the top 3, which will then be chosen by a selection committee later this month. SO! please please PLEASE vote for my little brother phil and his fabulous fiance katelin so they can start their married life together with a gorgeous (free) chicago wedding this november. you have one week! VOTE NOW!

just look at their cute faces! they are clearly the most adorable and deserving couple in the mix.

http://elevenelevenwedding.com/

2010-05-02T13:52:00.003-05:00

first of all, i really truly promise that this blog won't be all about baby stuff. i'm just totally preoccupied with it all right now, and still basking in all of the newness and excitement. i have a lot on my mind, most of it pregnancy, birth, and newborn related.

i just entered my second trimester, my nausea is gone, my skin is clearing up, and i'm getting that beloved burst of energy that everyone keeps talking about. i'm also experiencing different kinds of feelings, discomforts and anxieties as i look a little more pregnant each day and the reality of having a real life baby to care for in 6 short months sets in.

i'm still in total awe of the whole miracle of carrying a tiny little baby around inside of me. of the growth and development happening in my body every minute. each time i listen to the tiny heartbeat on my home doppler i tear up and shake my head. there is a little tiny person depending on me to make good decisions, to be safe, to be calm, and to protect him or her every day. the baby is letting me know its presence more and more, as i'm having trouble bending over, feeling more pressure in my abdomen and having a ravenous hunger 24/7. no flutters of movement yet, but i can't wait until there are in a few weeks.

we had a 4-d ultrasound last week which was incredible. seeing such detail on the screen really left us speechless. watching our baby spin around inside my womb made all of this so much more real. seeing tiny hands, feet, a defined little face and a little bony bottom - watching all of these parts maneuver around in the confinement of my belly was just amazing. baby berman is healthy, with a strong fast heartbeat and a good size so far. our next ultrasound appointment is june 10 when we find out the gender - less than 6 weeks until i can start thinking more specifically about my future son or daughter.

i've started my research on what exactly we're going to need, and am reaching out to new moms all over the board to get advice to base our decisions off of. our biggest decision (and investment) will be in a stroller. since we don't own a car we are going to be using a stroller as our main method of transportation with bb. and there is so much to consider, including car seat adapters - will it really be necessary considering we're not going to be riding in a car that often? i'm leaning towards a bugaboo for their versatility, compactibility and light weight, but i'm still getting a tightness in my chest at the cost. and then there is everything else. there are buckets of items we'll need no matter what - a carseat, nail clippers, a crib. and buckets of items i know we can do without - wipes warmer, bottle sanitizer, diaper genie. and buckets of items i don't know if we'll need or not - bassinet, bouncy seat, nursing pillow? all of those things coupled with the whole clothing thing - not knowing how big bb will be at birth so not knowing what size to buy, and being due in late fall we'll need bunting and long sleeves and cold weather accessories almost immediately. needless to say, i'm a little overwhelmed and am welcoming any and all advice.

and now for non-baby talk:

my nannying/personal chef gig has come to an end, and i'm starting a new gig assisting an artisanal pasta maker for the summer. i'm in charge of her packaging and labeling, helping her get her products out to specialty stores and farmers markets. it's fun and interesting and i'm happy to get to work with freshly handmade pasta, even if i can't eat it.

and, on a related note, i will be seeing a different gastroenterologist in about a month to reevaluate my potential celiac diagnoses. my first doctor was convinced that my symptoms could be caused my nothing other than a gluten intolerance, but as i am not feeling much of a difference after depriving myself of bread and pasta and cupcakes for 3 months, i'm thinking otherwise. i'm trying not to get my hopes up, but hopefully this new doc can shed some light on my symptoms and reopen my dietary options for the remainder of my pregnancy. i would kill for a hamburger on a pretzel roll.

2010-04-25T08:58:00.000-05:00

so 2010 started off poorly, but immediately turned around and is promising to give me a truly memorable and wonderful year.

....because in october i'm going to be a mother!

it's true, i'm pregnant. craig and i are going to have a baby.

i am just over 13 weeks, and am due october 28, 2 days before my 31st birthday.

i have always wanted to be a mom and i've been ready for this for a long time. and after 11 years together, 7 of them married, craig and i are ready, really truly ready to start our family.

we are excited, nervous, scared and happy beyond belief. in between bouts of extreme nausea and complete exhaustion i've been smiling ear to ear. i really had no idea pregnancy would hit me this hard - the aches and pains and uncomfortableness of the first trimester, which i have only just recently come out of.

the biggest challenge for me has been food. for weeks i was nauseous. all the time. like being hungover nauseous, when you know you should eat something but thinking about food makes you want to barf. and you feel like if you barf you'll feel a little better, except that i knew that it wouldn't. that coupled with the fact that i'm on strict guidelines from my doctor to stick to a gluten free diet was making eating quite difficult. many gluten free foods are still making me nauseous just thinking about them. rice pasta? yuck. that gluten free bread i made? gag. those expensive gluten free spinach tortillas? i can't even look at them. i want a hamburger. and pizza. real pizza. and i can't have it. it's making me crazy.

cooking has also been a challenge with my heightened sense of smell. even when i could think of a food that didn't make my stomach churn, halfway through cooking it i would usually start to feel differently. and on the off chance i could make it through preparation and dinner time, the leftovers are the most unappealing thing i could imagine the next day, no matter what it was. this whole hormonal change has been so bizarre. i've never been a picky person, and now not only do i have a dietary restriction, i have increased aversions and cravings. it is so odd, and not like me at all. it looks like i'm in the clear from the nausea and most severe aversions, but i'm learning new things about myself and my new pregnancy stomach every day.

since this post has been nearly three months in the making while trying to keep the pregnancy under wraps, it's really long. i've taken lots of notes and had many moments i've wanted to share. here are a few more:

1. i realized i was really, truly, a pregnant woman. i went grocery shopping with a list of 5-6 things, ended up buying way too much food, and hailed a cab to take me and my bounty home. in the cab i was overcome with desire for the haagen dazs strawberry ice cream in one of my bags, so i found it, opened it and ate it. in the cab. with a makeshift spoon.

2. i cheated. before being chastised by my doctor about cheating on the gluten free diet, i had a few cravings that i had given in to, and i'm ashamed to admit them. if you know me at all, you know that i don't eat commercial fast food. no subway, mcdonald's or burger king for me. but i had about a two week craving for mcdonald's chicken nuggets, which i probably hadn't eaten in more than a decade. i finally gave in, at an airport, and i am ashamed. they certainly killed the craving though.

3. i realized i touch my belly way too much. when someone i was talking to asked if i was ok and i said "yeah, why?" and she pointed out that i was clutching my tiny 8 week pregnant pooch the entire time we were talking. she didn't know i was pregnant and thought i was having a gastrointestinal issue.

4. i fell in love. i was in love with the idea of this baby from before it was conceived. the minute i saw the tiny little flicker of a heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor i started crying and knew that what i actually loved was a real person. a tiny grape sized little person with a tiny beating heart. and i didn't even care that the adorable young male med school student shadowing my doctor that day had just seen me practically naked.

5. i have been nannying for a toddler during my entire pregnancy so far, and have gone back and forth between moments of "i can't wait to have this moment with my child" when he smiles and gives me a hug, and "holy crap, what am i doing?" as he's throwing a tantrum or won't take a nap when i need one so badly, and "how in the world to women ever have more than one child?" as i am dry heaving while changing a particularly unattractive diaper. mostly it's been the first one, though. i can't wait to be a mom.

6. some good friends of ours had a baby a few weeks ago, and at the hospital holding the one day old baby i was overcome with the most wonderful feelings of excitement and serenity....and sheer terror as i held the 9 lb boy in front of my slowly growing stomach trying to visualize a baby like him inside my small frame. how is this going to work again?

so, expect a lot of writing here about the joys of pregnancy, decorating a nursery and shopping for baby stuff, mixed with some gluten free cooking and baking in addition to my usual ramblings. i am going to be revamping emilykberman.com in the coming weeks to contain more of my personal chef/catering/cooking/gluten free thoughts, experiences and recipes, so keep an eye out there as well. and thanks for sticking with me on the next leg of my life journey.

2010-04-12T15:55:00.000-05:00

seven years ago today i married the love of my life, my best friend. i still consider myself lucky, more and more every day, actually.

our lives have changed so much since we met, our paths have been altered and our goals have been redefined countless times. our life together has improved each year that we have been together with new experiences, new memories, new friendships and new plans.

this year is so much more meaningful in so many ways. we are at a point in our lives where everything is making the most sense, it is all meshing and clicking in the best ways possible. i say it each year, but really, we've never been so amazing together as we are right now.

i catch myself every day wondering how i deserved to have such a wonderful husband. such a loving and supportive partner, caring and empathetic friend. i am honestly one of the luckiest girls alive. i wish this luck and happiness on every married couple i know. and even those i don't.

i could gush about all of the reasons i love craig, but if you know us, i think they are already obvious. so instead, here are 7 tips from 7 years of marital bliss.

1. you can never say 'i love you' too much. ever. sometimes it's all it takes to end a disagreement. or just start the day off right.

2. don't take each other for granted. never stop saying 'thank you'.

3. privacy and secrets are two different things. the first is incredibly important in even the closest marriage. the second is harmful to all relationships, especially those closest to your heart.

4. spend some time apart. having different experiences and memories keeps intrigue and mystery alive, and gives you something new to share with each other.

5. go to bed mad sometimes. a good night's sleep is often better than 3 more hours of exhausted late night arguing. you'll probably forget what made you so upset in the first place.

6. give each other massages. all the time.

7. keep talking about your future together. don't ever stop making plans, no matter how outlandish they might be.

2010-04-05T09:00:00.002-05:00

chicago is warming up, we're getting sunny days, surprise rain showers and springtime temperatures. it's a welcome seasonal change, one that i've never quite looked at this way before. i have open daytime hours to enjoy the sunlight and the warmth, take walks, eat outside, visit with friends. i'm spoiled rotten, i know it. i'm imagining this summer and all of the wonderful things it will include - lots of growth and changes and new experiences.

we are going through a little stir crazy nesting right now - we've been in our condo longer than we've ever lived anywhere else, and we're hungry for some change. we are moving furniture, painting, redecorating, and it's working at making me feel like i have something of a new space to live in. i spend more time at home now, and every little change makes a difference.

i feel like the changes in my environment are reflective of the changes i've been making as well. i'm a totally different person now than i was a year ago. finishing culinary school, quitting my full time job, having time to contemplate and grow, not knowing where my entire next month's paycheck is going to come from, it's changed me. for the better. i'm much more relaxed now, much more laid back, happier in so many ways.

for the 6th year in a row we are going to be angelic organics shareholders, and this year we're taking on the entire share by ourselves. my brother and mom will reap some of those benefits when we're sick of salad greens and cabbage, but otherwise we plan on doing a lot of freezing and canning to make the most of our share. i might document our progress each week here, sharing the creative ways we intend to use up a 3/4 bushel box of vegetables each week. every summer, even with just 1/2 of the share, we end up becoming mostly vegetarian due to the quantity of veggies we have to go through, and i anticipate that happening to some extent again. i also anticipate breaking down and buying a small stand alone freezer - i'm not sure where it will live yet, but my little kitchen freezer is already full as it is. i obviously haven't thought all of this through yet, but i'm excited about the challenges it will pose.

and because of all of this, and more, i have a feeling that this summer is going to be the best ever.

2010-03-22T15:00:00.002-05:00

living gluten free has posed a few specific problems that i'm still learning to work around. the biggest challenge has been snacking while out. i have to keep food on me at all times, just in case i'm out and about and stuck in a situation where i can't find a safe gluten free snack or meal. little bags of nuts and apples are staples in my purse, but i've been craving granola bars, most market varieties of which aren't safe for me to eat. most ingredients in granola bars are inherently gluten free - oats, nuts, honey, sugar, fruit, peanut butter, etc. the problem is in the oats. although naturally gluten free, oats are most commonly processed in plants and on machinery that also processes wheat, so cross contamination is impossible to avoid. Bob's Red Mill makes gluten free oats, processed on machinery dedicated to the oats and nothing else. we love Bob's Red Mill.

there are some brands of GF granola bars out there, and they're good, but they are expensive and i go through them rather quickly. so i decided to make my own, with some of my favorite ingredients. the result is a delicious, hearty and healthy snack, inexpensive and pretty easy to make. enjoy!

gluten free cashew currant granola bars

yields 16 bars

2-1/4 cup gluten free rolled oats

1-1/4 cup cashews, lightly chopped

1/4 cup millet

1/3 cup ground flax seed

1/3 cup sesame seeds

1/2 cup honey

1/4 cup packed brown sugar

2 tbsp butter

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp kosher salt

1 cup currants

preheat oven to 350 degrees. toast first 5 dry ingredients for 15-20 minutes, until aromatic and lightly toasted, stirring a few times to make sure everything is distributed evenly.

meanwhile, heat the next 5 ingredients (honey - salt) in a large heavy bottom pan (big enough to hold and stir everything later), and stir until the sugar melts. let the mixture boil for just a minute then turn off heat.

line a 9x12 jelly roll pan with tin foil and lightly grease with butter or vegetable spray. set aside.

when the dry ingredients are toasty, remove from the oven and turn the oven down to 300. pour the oat mixture into the pot with the honey mixture, add the currants and stir until everything is well coated and evenly combined. pour everything into the jelly roll pan and spread evenly, using a lightly greased rubber spatula. press down while spreading to compact the mixture.

bake for 25 minutes until the top is lightly toasted. remove from the oven and let cool almost completely, then turn out onto a cutting board and peel off the layer of foil. cut the granola sheet lengthwise down the middle, then into 8 even sections across, making 16 bars. (save the crumbly pieces for your granola!) store in a jar, wrap in plastic wrap or wax paper, and enjoy! they should last for about 2 weeks.

2010-03-08T10:46:00.002-06:00

i'm having trouble eating. i've been told to stick to a gluten free diet, a STRICT gluten free diet, and it's making me crazy. no wheat - no bread, bagels, flour tortillas, wheat pasta, pastries, cupcakes, english muffins, cookies, pizza, crostini, croutons, most cereals, granolas, etc etc etc. no soy sauce, no candies without checking the label, no prepackaged foods or dressings or mixes without thorough research.

i eat mostly whole foods. i am a chef. i love to cook. i have not had any trouble coming up with delicious menus that avoid all of the above ingredients. meats, vegetables, fruit, rice, quinoa, potatoes, eggs, dairy, beans - all on the A-OK list. pre-packaged foods have never been part of my meny planning, so that hasn't been an issue. my problem has been with the emerging collection of gluten free substitute foods out there - rice pastas, GF bread and cake mixes, GF tortillas, premade GF breads. i have not found one that i can enjoy. scratch that, i found a GF pizza crust at Rose's Bakery in Evanston that is pretty good - not the same as a chewy gluteny wheat crust - but passable. most GF baked goods taste off. the texture is usually a bit gummy, chewy, dense. the flavor is usually potato-y, bean-y, almost sour due to the replacement flours (tapioca, potato, garbonzo, rice, sorghum). i'm sure there are better options out there that i haven't found yet, but that's just the problem - i haven't found them. i've tried brands that other celiacs rave about, i've tried recipes that GF chefs have promised would be delicious. (the GF chocolate chip cookies were actually pretty tasty.) i just haven't found THE ONES. the staples that i can depend on.

it's not the same and i keep expecting it to be the same. that's probably just something i need to let go. it will never be the same. which is terrifying and tragic for someone who has turned her whole life upside down to pursue a career in the culinary field. i may never eat a piece of french bred again, and that kills me.

eating out has been a whole other experience. most restaurants have been pretty accommodating, willing to adjust menu items to exclude flour or bread, or going through the menu in detail with me to show me what i can and can't eat. gluten hides in all sorts of places. breading on fried foods, flour dredged fish, roux in sauces. i'm pretty savvy with a menu to decipher what i can and can't eat, but there's always something that sneaks up. and you can never be 100% safe from cross contamination. i had been winging it for a few weeks, but it's time to be more aware, which will probably mean eating out less. and probably, because of the misunderstanding of the disease and annoyance of having a guest with a complicated dietary restriction, being invited by friends to dinner less often as well.

at home i'm dealing with an annoyed stomach and stockpiles of tested pastas and bread mixes that i probably won't be eating except in extreme emergencies. i'm eating a lot of vegetables, lots and lots of rice, potatoes, and corn. i can live without most sweets, but all i've wanted for the last month is a tasty grilled cheese sandwich. and lasagna. and a hamburger with a bun.

learning to live without is proving more difficult than i thought.

2010-02-22T20:00:00.002-06:00

life is funny. here i am, 30 years old, finishing culinary school while also learning to adjust my diet for a disease that i may or may not really have, working as a nanny, a personal chef, a caterer, and trying to help manage a shared use commercial kitchen. i never would have written this scenario for myself. but i've also never felt so right about the path i was on. funny how that happened.

i had the opportunity to cater a wonderfully smooth flowing dinner party for 20 people last weekend with joel, and i realized i've finally gotten to the point of relaxed confident chef. my tummy only fluttered once, as we pulled into the driveway, but the rest was smooth sailing. and we didn't end up with copious amounts of leftovers, we estimated everything just right. the menu was pretty simple: grilled spice rubbed shrimp with cumin cilantro sour cream, irish cheddar twice baked fingerlings with herb creme and prosciutto chips, and tomato and basil goat cheese bruschetta to start. then red hen rolls with herb butter, a filet of beef roulade with herb jus, creamy danish blue mashed potatoes, green beans and fennel with shaved parmesan (from my last post), and a spinach, grapefruit and pomegranate salad with a white balsamic vinaigrette. everything was great, and it was nice working an event that only involved myself and joel. and almost everything (except the bruschetta and rolls) were gluten free, which was reassuring to me as a chef who is redefining her repertoire.

i am going to florida this weekend to visit my husband's grandmother, and my brother in law is meeting us there as well. it's sure to be a teary and huggy weekend, full of jewish grandma kisses and dinners at 5pm. and 70 degrees and sunny. i am really looking forward to all of it, even though our crack of dawn flight home on monday is sure to leave me exhausted. i've been tired recently. i need to learn to sleep better, especially when traveling.

i ordered a selection of various flours from bob's red mill and am expecting them to arrive either today or tomorrow. once they do i'm going to try an altered version of a gluten free chocolate chip recipe i found, and i'll definitely post it here. if it turns out. which i hope it will.

my other site, which used to house my audubon bird painting updates and news, is going to turn into my personal chef and catering site soon. i'm working on some ideas and have enlisted the husband to help me prepare. once i'm live i'll let you know.

in the meantime, i'm going to keep thinking about this new life i'm living and how to keep the good times up and running.

2010-01-22T09:28:00.002-06:00

life has become complicated. one week - two awful events.

1 - some bitch stole my wallet. right out of my purse. while my purse was sitting next to me. then she went to ann taylor loft (wtf?), the chicago cultural center (wtwtf?) and target (ok). my beautiful orla kiely wallet that i bought in san francisco last year. the best damned wallet ever. and my whole life - insurance cards, credit cards, my drivers license with the really great photo, chicago sanitation card, cash, lots of quarters, countless business cards, notes and memorabilia that i'll never be able to replace. a sweet little card that craig gave me years ago to cheer me up that i always kept with me. it's all gone. on one hand it's sort of a relief to be starting something from scratch. building back up my identity, my life. on the other it's a giant pain in the ass that i'm not thrilled about dealing with right now. as i wait for a new orla kiely wallet to show up (thank you, ebay!) and slowly acquire new credit cards, insurance cards and cash, i'm becoming more and more paranoid about my stuff. got a new big purse with a big zipper to keep my stuff safe, and i'm keeping it close.

2 - two days later my doctor called me to let me know that some blood work i had done suggested that i suffer from celiac disease, an intolerance to gluten. it is a hereditary disease, one that my maternal grandfather has, and in light of last fall's baking bonanza in culinary school, it makes sense that my symptoms started showing up around that time. i am slated to see a guts doctor next month, but in the meantime i have been advised to cut out gluten (hard) and alcohol (harder) all together until i feel better and we get this sorted out. so no bread, pancakes, pizza, tortillas, breaded fried things, pasta, etc etc etc. it hasn't been totally terrible - except for ordering at restaurants where there are delicious rillettes and pates and bone marrows on the menu that i can't eat the vehicles to take them to my mouth. toast crostini is going to be missed. but, i am feeling a lot better so far, despite the inability to cut alcohol completely out of my life so far.

but, things are looking up. we have a catering gig tomorrow - a big one - that i'm super excited about, and Team Awesome is rallied and ready to help us pull it off. once again, i'm so grateful for the culinary school friends i've acquired, and am thrilled to have their talent and excitement about this catering thing i'm trying to figure out. i've also started my first personal chef gig for a wonderful family i'm so pleased to know. i'm nannying for their 15 month old sweetheart of a little boy once a week as well, which has been both challenging and totally relaxing and rewarding. reminds me how much i am looking forward to having one of my own.

and since i'm cooking for a living now, and talk about food all the time, i'm going to try to leave a recipe here on a regular basis. today - the best side dish ever - green beans and fennel. try it. it's delightful.

The Best Green Beans You Will Ever Eat

1 lb green beans, trimmed

1 head of fennel

2 tbsp olive oil

1 garlic clove, minced

1/2 lemon

salt and pepper

2-3 tbsp shaved parmesan

- Cut the feathery fronds off of the fennel and reserve. Quarter the fennel bulb, core it, and slice it into strips roughly the width of the green beans. Roughly chop the fronds (discard the woody stems) and set aside.

- Heat a large saute pan (one with a lid - or set aside some aluminum foil to cover later) to medium high. Add the oil and the green beans and sliced fennel. Stir often - you want some caramelized edges on the fennel and spots on the green beans, but no burning - until beans are bright green and still crunchy.

- Add the juice from 1/2 of a lemon, the minced garlic, and a little water (2-3 tbsp). Cover. Steam for 3-5 minutes until the vegetables are softened but still have a little crunch....or to your desired doneness. But don't let the green beans get mushy and grey. Vegetables should never be eaten that way.

- Remove from heat and add salt and pepper to taste, the fennel fronds and the shaved parmesan, add a little more oil if desired and toss to combine. Enjoy!

2010-01-11T12:13:00.003-06:00

wow, so it's been almost 3 months since i've visited here, it's safe to say i've had other things on my mind. introspective words aren't coming so easily to me anymore, as i've been spending more time writing recipes and catering proposals and emails apologizing to friends who i haven't spent much time with in the past year. i've finished my last kitchen class in culinary school - i only have one lecture class (nutrition) to take before completing my program. i feel torn about that. the last year went by so quickly and i'm still putting together what i learned from a year in culinary school. aside from the techniques, ratios, methods and recipes, i'm incredibly grateful for the lifelong friends and connections i've made - people with similar culinary views, tastes and visions as myself, as well as those with opposite ideas, strongpoints and goals who i will continue to be in awe of and learn from.

culinary school taught me more than i could ever put into words, and most of it not directly connected to cooking a piece of chicken or making a delicate sauce. being creative, understanding ratios, textures, traditions and the basic science behind cooking. being confident and adventurous and standing behind a vision. culinary school, for me, has been more about personal growth as a chef than about simply learning new skills and memorizing recipes. every one of my classmates is taking away something unique from this experience, and i'm glad to have been able to participate in it.

2009 was an incredibly life changing year for me. i am in such a different place today than i was one year ago. i'm 30. i'm being paid to do something i'm passionate about. i'm comfortable and enjoying life. i'm less stressed, more relaxed, and i have a much better vision of my future, both personally and professionally. life makes so much more sense to me now. i attribute that to many things - going to culinary school, meeting new people, quitting my full time job (and subsequently re-learning how to live on a budget), turning 30, and the continued support and guidance from my friends, family, and my wonderful husband. i couldn't have asked for craig to be more supportive of me during the last year of transitions, and after 11 years together, our relationship is the strongest it has ever been.

2010 is going to be equally epic, i can feel it. i've given up making new year's resolutions, but i will say that after everything i have experienced this past year, i vow to make each year subsequently better than the last. have new experiences, push myself, pursue happiness. life is proving to be so much more enjoyable that way.

2009-10-22T00:53:00.002-05:00

i'm getting so bad at keeping this up. and to think, in two days it will be this blog's 6 year anniversary. can you believe it? it's so crazy. i've never done anything semi-consistently for 6 years. except be with craig. and be in elementary school. well, and live in chicago. but that's about it.

i am sort of laying low until i finish school, then i'll have lots more to share, lots more to do. and i think i'll reinvent this space. new colors, new template, new format. recipes to share, more photos. video? who knows. i think i've lost the meaning behind doing this, and i want to get it back.

in the meantime i'm planning a knock out thanksgiving menu, special canned christmas goodies, and trying to make the most of the last week or so of my 20's. i'm not sure how i feel about that right now. getting older. i contemplate that every year, but now i have a new number to get used to. three. oh.

xoxo. thanks for reading.

2009-10-01T19:27:00.002-05:00

even though i've left the world of full time employment i find myself with less time to think about this blog and other blogs and websites i used to be so on top of. i guess it's because i'm out more - perusing farmers markets and visiting friends and cooking. (i even made a souffle for the first time the other day!) but i'm not parked in front of my machine for 8-10 hours a day. which is good for me right now. i've really honestly never been happier. i am so lucky to have the resources and the time to spend pursuing what i love - food and cooking. spending time with people who feel the same way. making (a little) money off of it. my good friend joel and i are starting a catering business. www.bermanpaige.com. frightening and exhilarating and we'll see where it goes. in the meantime i'm trying to soak in everything. and make connections and enjoy this time in my life when i'm able to take the time to do it.

also, i'm turning 30 in less than a month. i've known it has been coming, and i'm actually really excited. as much as i've enjoyed 29, 30 is only bound to be better. i'm not one of those people who reminisces about their early 20's as the best years of their lives. i didn't know who i was or what i wanted out of life then. in my 20's i married the love of my life, moved to a new city, started my culinary path by experimenting with dinner every night, which was all wonderful. but things have only gotten better since then, and i see them only growing from here on out. so 30, come on in. i have changed so much in the past year, this truly will be a new decade for me. i can't wait.

today was probably the most domestic day i have ever had. i did some laundry, tidied up the house, then trekked to the farmers market to do some shopping. honeycrisp apples, cranberry beans, heirloom tomatoes, pretzel rolls. met the husband for lunch - hannah's bretzel! came home and canned. canned a lot of jars of tomato based deliciousness. i've been intrigued by the idea for a long time, but have shied away from it (shied - doesn't that word look strange? i guess i've just never thought about how it was spelled, never typed it here, it's a funny word) for fear of botulism and exploding glass jars and who knows what. so i've been dabbling. i tried some watermelon rind pickles a few weeks back, and with my mother returning an empty jar with proclamations of "the best watermelon rind pickles ever" my confidence grew. pickled beets and onions were next - i had a few pounds of beets lying around that needed somewhere to live. i just ate one and...they're kind of great. i've been planning a massive tomato canning adventure and today was the day to make it happen. fresh farmers market heirlooms, you have met your match with me and my le creuset, my ball jars and my citric acid. boom! three pint jars of quartered homegrown tomatoes. nine eight-ounce jars of sweet and spicy tomato catsup (thank you, st john, for the beautiful recipe) and three pint jars of yellow heirloom puree, to give us some vibrancy to our winter menu. i'm ordering a pressure cooker/canner for lower acid vegetables and meats, and can't wait to try out some more recipes. i am looking forward to stocking our pantry with jars of farmers market finds. a few more weeks to go and we'll be in winter mode. i like to be prepared.

and now i'm preparing a dinner of cider glazed pork loin, braised cranberry beans, leeks and tiny sweet baby tomatoes with a simple green salad with some sort of vinaigrette that i have yet to decide on. life is good and i can't wait to see where it goes from here.

2009-09-16T16:27:00.004-05:00

so i went to london last week, but my macbook is out of service (blue screen, not booting up) so i may have lost all of my photos from the trip, along with about 5 years worth of other photos because i am a moron and didn't back up my brand new 3 month old macbook because why would i need to? macs are supposed to be awesome and trouble free and besides, it's brand new! why worry! because electronics hate me, that's why. so i'm not going to write about london because i'm pissed that i can't access the awesome photos, well, at least a few awesome photos, and also because i didn't upload them to flickr monday or tuesday or yesterday when i had tons of free time. so that's cool. i'll just say one thing about the trip: eat at St. John. i would move to london just to be able to eat there on a regular basis. my meal there was the best meal i have ever eaten in my entire life. and i have the photos to prove it. oh wait, no i don't. fuck.

so today i volunteered to help with a lunch for the Chefs Collaborative summit happening in chicago right now. the lunch for about 180 chefs, food scientists, activists, writers and foodies was served at cafe brauer at the lincoln park zoo and let me just say, wow. that is the most beautiful event space i have ever set foot in and i want to go there every day.

ok, so the menu consisted of 12 courses by a lineup of some of the most amazing chefs in chicago right now with food from some of the greatest farms in the area. the lineup: Mark Mendez (Carnivale), Brian Millman (Uncommon Ground), Andrew Zimmerman (Sepia), Liz Tokarczyk (Limelight), Bruce Sherman (North Pond), Sarah Stegner and George Bumbaris (Prarie Grass Cafe), Carrie Nahabedian (NAHA), Patrick Sheerin (Signature Room), Rick Bayless (Frontera, etc), Jason Hammel (Lula Cafe, Nightwood), Paul Kahan (Blackbird, Avec, Publican), and Mindy Segal (Hot Chocolate). and they were all there. in the kitchen. making their dishes. each chef brought their own team of cooks so i set up, served and cleared. and ate. and was amazed at the talent in that kitchen. what an incredible experience to have the food of so many great chefs together on one plate. i will never forget it.

my favorite dishes were by Carrie Nahabedian (white corn polenta with la quercia prosciutto, cavolo nero greens, zucchini, eggplant and mint), Andrew Zimmerman (sweet corn chaat salad with pickle strips, mustard and charcuterie that i think was a head cheese?) and Paul Kahan (grilled sirloin with marinated italian kale trio and grilled peaches). Rick Bayless' dish was a delicious cochinita pibil with pickled onions, tortillas and the spiciest habanero salsa i have ever tasted. all of the other dishes were delicious as well, and i am so so grateful to have been able to participate in such a groundbreaking event.

and it helped me forget about my stupid brand new broken macbook for a few hours.

2009-09-05T18:29:00.002-05:00

oh hi, 6 weeks are gone. and i am 3/4 done with school, 100% done with my part time job that i quit my full time job for, and about halfway closer to figuring out what i'm going to be doing in 2010. i'm working part part time for a shared use commercial kitchen, which is awesome because i get to meet a slew of entrepreneurial food business people, get to meet local celebrities (of bravo top chef fame) and occasionally cook in a kitchen that can handle catering gigs better than my own. it's good. and the extra time off is good too, to peruse the green city market, and the daley plaza market and sleep in a little and cook and experiment and hang out with other like minded people. i want to do this forever.

i've been working on a couple of catering gigs, small to large, low pressure to high, low pay to maybe thinking that i can make a living off of this thing. my good friend joel and i coordinated and pulled of an delicious feast for 60 people in michigan a few weeks back - we had an amazing opportunity to feed some wonderful (and wealthy) folks at their summer home just north of new buffalo. they put all of their faith in two culinary students with little catering experience, and we wowed them. it rained, was colder than we planned, there were a few last minute surprises and we forgot a laundry list of to dos, but we pulled it off. joel and i recruited 3 other classmates and my wonderfully supportive husband to help us out. i'm lucky to be surrounded by such talented and helpful people who let me freak out every so often and do what i ask them to better than i ever expect them to. judy, david and nick were awesome, every one of them with something unique to bring to the team, and throughout the planning joel and i realized we are a great team and can probably take this thing and run with it. and craig is the best errand runner and pee soaked napkin holder EVER! (i will tell you that story in person if you ask me...)

the menu included a flatbread with goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes, a quartet of salsas (pineapple, cherry basil, tomatillo and heirloom tomato pico de gallo), bacon wrapped chorizo stuffed dates, grilled flank steak with chimichurri sauce and horseradish whipped cream, grilled shrimp with adobo, a grilled summer vegetable salad, grilled potato wedges with truffle aioli, and grilled pineapple with lemon honey yogurt and chocolate chili mini cupcakes with cinnamon ganache for dessert. (the theme was summer grilling, as you may have noticed.) everything turned out so well, i couldn't have asked for a better first large scale catering gig. cash in wallet included.

my classes are over for this quarter, and i'm sad. this was probably my favorite quarter in culinary school so far, with more pressure and more reward than i have experienced cooking in my life. my catering class made me shaky and nauseous then elated and calm after pulling a meal together with no recipes and limited ingredients in 2 short hours. my nutritional cooking class taught me some of what i already knew - that healthy cooking can be approachable and delicious - but also introduced me to a slew of ingredients that i knew little or nothing about what to do with (amaranth, millet, wheat berries). and how to make tofu. and seitan. my beverage and dining room class taught me how to be a waiter. which i am now certified for. so there's that. but really, this quarter has been more about growth for me, giving me more confidence than i've ever had in my cooking abilities and making me realize that i really honestly am doing the right thing. i'm happy. really really happy.

i'm on break until the end of september, which is wonderful. hubb and i are taking a vacation (half of it is work for him) to london for a week. i'm really looking forward to two things: walking around by myself while craig is working in a town i have vague memories of from a visit 15 years ago, and this place. i will do a proper write up about the ox heart i plan to eat there. xoxo

2009-07-14T15:22:00.002-05:00

hello from the land of working less and doing more. i've been working part time for a few weeks now, but i am not quite sure where my extra time is going. i'm still staying up late to do homework, forgetting to send birthday cards, and missing out on lots of get-togethers. i have, however, received my first sunburn of the season (i don't think i ever had a single one last year so that's an improvement in time spent relaxing), and i've had a beer at a liesurely lunch on a weekday a total of two times. it is nice being out in the daytime, and scooting around town is making me very very happy. (aside from the drunk assholes who holler at me for rides as i scoot past bars on milwaukee ave. )

school is off to a good start this quarter. i'm taking a catering class where we prepare surprise dishes (we learn what we are each making on the night of class) for other classes, a dining room class where i'm learning the difference between a fish fork, dinner fork, and entremet fork, and a nutritional cooking class where i'm learning low sodium, fat, sugar and vegetarian cooking. i'm most excited about that one.

my brother moved here last weekend (his apartment is about a block away from my house) so i've been spending a lot of time with my family. his lovely girlfriend is staying with him for the next few weeks as he gets adjusted, and i couldn't be happier to have them around for a while. my mom lost her job a few weeks ago so she's been around a lot, and i'm working with her to find a new job and a cheaper place to live. it's stressful, but i'm grateful that i have the free time to help out. on my day off tomorrow we look at studio apartments. yay! wish us luck.

being home a little bit more also allows me to cook more, which is wonderful. the other night i made a boneless pork roast, which was "the best pork i have ever eaten in my entire life" according to my mom. she is probably a bit biased, but it was really good. here's the recipe:

"the best pork i have ever eaten in my entire life"
or
bonless pork roast with apple cider gastrique

for the pork:
one 2-3 pound boneless pork roast (mine was from trader joe's)
1 tbsp dried thyme
1 tsp dried sage
2-3 tbsp olive oil
salt and pepper to taste
(you could add a little chopped garlic, but i didn't. but do whatever you want. this isn't a science)

preheat oven to 500 degrees. (don't be scared) rub pork with oil, thyme, sage and s+p. place it on a roasting rack and pop it in the oven. after 10 minutes turn the oven down to 250, and roast until the center registers 150 degrees, about 1 hr 15 min to 1 hr and a half. pull out and cover with foil to let rest 10 minutes before carving. your pork will be moist and tender and delicious.

for the gastrique:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup apple cider
1/2 cup white wine vineger
2 sprigs fresh thyme
1 sprig fresh rosemary

combine sugar and water and bring to a simmer. reduce by half and then add herbs, cider and vinegar. reduce by half again, a little more or less to your most desired consistency. it should be syrupy but not too thick. not caramely, but more like a thin maple syrup. unless you want it thicker, but then it's like candy, so i don't recommend it. remove herbs. drizzle over sliced pork. enjoy!

2009-06-27T10:43:00.002-05:00

for the last 5 years craig and i have participated in angelic organics, a community supported agriculture program located in caldonia, illinois. each year we sign up for a 20 week vegetable share, receiving a 3/4 bushel box of locally and organically grown vegetables every saturday throughout the summer and early fall. we share our box with another couple, and even splitting everything in half there is still always plenty of food. for the last three years we have also participated in an egg share, receiving a dozen beautiful golden free range, horemone free eggs along with our vegetables.

our share this year started on a weekend when both craig and our friends were out of town, leaving me with the entire box of vegetables to myself. i saw this as a challenge and decided to kick off a week or two of the raw diet, which i did last summer and really enjoyed. however, the week also coincided with me starting a new job with a caterer, and with that an unpredictable daily schedule.

i decided to stick to about 80% raw, incorporating one or two cooked elements every day. it is easy when i'm at home but difficult when i'm meeting up with friends and having to taste food i'm preparing at work. i think i'm at about 70% now, which isn't bad. at home i've made salads, spring rolls and raw marinara, but at work i've been eating whatever is available, and eating out with friends i've been tempted by too many dishes on menus to order simple salads. so when i can't be strict to raw dishes, i at least follow the following pairing guidelines for healthy digestion:

fruit - always eaten alone, at least 45 minutes before eating anything else.
vegetables - try to stick to raw veggies, or lightly steamed or stir fried. can be eaten in combination with any of the other groups (except fruit!)
meats - i'm eating just one dose of animal protein a day (if that), usually it's just an egg or two. meats can be eaten with vegetables, but not with any other group.
starches - trying to stay away from processed bleached white starches and sticking to whole grains. can be eaten with vegetables, but not with any other group.
dried fruits and nuts - can be eaten alone or with vegetables, but not with any other group. trying to stick to naturally dried fruits and raw nuts.
dairy - trying to stick to minimal dairy. goat cheese is the main cheese i'm eating, or ricotta. no milk or cream in my coffee - i'm using almond milk at home or rice or soy milk if i can get it at a coffee shop.

so that's it. it's pretty easy if you can be creative. i make a raw marinara by processing onion, garlic, tomato, carrot and fennel and can eat that over ribbons of raw zucchini or a whole wheat pasta, or as a base for a whole wheat pizza. i can eat a seared piece of fish or some scallops or shrimp over a bed of spinach with a carrot slaw on the side. a big salad with a poached egg on top and a little lemon juice, or a salad topped with almonds and sun dried tomatoes. vietnamese spring rolls - rice paper wrappers filled with tons of fresh herbs and veggies and a honey soy dipping sauce. yum. for breakfasts i'll use my juicer and make an awesome liquid breakfast with ginger and apple and lemon and some romaine lettuce. then fruit until lunchtime. then a raw lunch, a snack in the afternoon of nuts or raw granola or fruit, and dinner with a cooked element.

vinegar is one of my best friends - it tenderizes veggies while giving them a tart flavor. one of my favorite dishes, one that i've been eating at least once a day and most of the time twice a day, is what i call bruised greens. i've used kale, chard, totsoi, spinach, and the tops of beets, radishes, or turnips. take a few big handfuls of your greens, wash them, chop them and put them in a bowl. drizzle about a tablespoon of olive oil on top, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. squeeze half of a lemon over top and massage the greens with your hands until they wilt and tenderize. top with a poached egg, a piece of fish, or put it over brown rice or pasta. or simply eat it alone. it's that good.

i'm feeling energized and healthy, and i've lost a pound or two (although that wasn't my main goal in doing it this year.) mostly i'm doing this to challenge myself, to learn new recipes, to remind myself to follow guidelines and to get out of the carb loaded winter diet i've gotten used to. to kick start the summer by eating healthier and treating my body better, and to enjoy the veggies in our box every week. and really, massaging greens is kind of theraputic.

2009-06-14T18:05:00.002-05:00

ok, so school is out for summer (straight A's!) - which for me is only a mere 3 weeks until classes begin again. during that time i plan to catch up with friends (hi, friends!), eat a little healthier (made easy by coinciding with the start of our angelic organics CSA share), and relax. and i have one week left of my full time job until i join the ranks of people with flexible schedules and time off in the middle of the day. although i really am going to have a hard time leaving the company i've been with for the past 4 years, i am really looking forward to the next few months' lighter schedules.

i'll also be taking more photos now - i've taken an unplanned hiatus for the past year or so, posting mostly iphone photos to flickr. after taking (and doing very well in, i might add) a food styling and photography class, i've reconnected with my love for my nikon, and i'll be keeping it with me more often now. i'll also be experimenting with more food photography if anyone wants to invite me over for dinner...

so today i purchased a scooter to get me in between home, school and my two new jobs. it is a 2003 yamaha vino, a little 50cc scooter that i don't have to get a motorcycle license to ride. he's a brownish/greenish/grey (i have gendered him to be a boy) with beige accents and fabulous custom leather saddlebags. i am waiting on the title to get him registered, plated and stickered, and i have to get one of the side mirrors replaced, but i should be up and running in less than 2 weeks. i tootled around the neighborhood today and wondered the whole time why i didn't buy a scooter before now. riding is an instant pick me up, and i can't wait to start commuting between my various destinations on something other than the bus.

he has amazing pick up, and i've found it easy to adjust to the balance and control of the bike. it will be such a great way to commute between home, work #1, work #2 and school. more realiable, faster, and safer than the walking + bus riding i would be doing otherwise. and way more fun.

2009-06-07T12:54:00.002-05:00

change is good. i've had to keep telling myself that every time i've had a mild panic attack while dwelling on all of the changes happening in my life right now. i've been sort of quiet about it all, but everything is in place and i feel comfortable telling everyone now.

i quit my job last week. i have been an office manager/travel arranger/accounting admin/general behind the scenes do it all lady for the past four years for a really great company full of really great people. i've watched the company double in size, move locations, have supported the staff and celebrated with them. i have seen coworkers come and go, get married, have babies, and have formed relationships that will last a lifetime. i am leaving behind friends, my own huge desk, daily snack time, a beer fridge, a steady salary, a company matching retirement account and being on my own health insurance policy for a future filled with unpredictable part time jobs. and i couldn't be happier.

since i've been in culinary school for the past 5 months i've learned a lot. a lot about food and cooking, the culinary industry and my own strengths and weaknesses and how they will eventually come together. i've also learned that going to school part time on top of working full time and also managing a personal and family life is really really hard. i've neglected some of my reading for class, have pushed away some of my friends, and have become stressed and easily irritated at work. i decided a few months ago to start thinking about working part time while i finish school, and things just happened to all fall into place in the last couple of weeks.

i have signed a 6 month contract with a caterer to help her get her business organized and poised to double in size next year. i'll be creating a recipe database, organize and take photos of her food, help with some marketing, employee training and occasional food prep. it is such a great opportunity to learn a catering business from the inside out, and i can't wait to start. i am also going to be working for a shared use kitchen, a inspected and certified commercial kitchen where entrepreneurial chefs can go to make food for sale (rather than illegally making it in their home kitchens). i also have a few other occasional opportunities that i am working on to fill the gaps. a few of these positions have the potential to turn into something more secure once i've graduated at the end of the year, but for now i have no idea where i'll be come january. but i'm convincing myself that the change is good and it will all be ok.

i'm really looking forward to learning from all of these opportunities, to learn more about myself and where i want to be. and to have a weekday or two off each week to study, relax, and cook. and see where this change will take me.

2009-05-21T10:48:00.003-05:00

things have been really busy these last few weeks. between work and school i've had little time for much else. hopefully things will calm down soon.

in addition to class 3 nights a week after work i now have class on saturdays, which is going to be both exciting and challenging. i'm taking a food styling and photography class - a part of the industry that i am really excited about and am eager to learn more about and experience firsthand. this saturday i'll be shooting a still life (i'm leaning towards onions and garlic and fennel) and a glass of red wine. sounds awesome, yeah?

in other news, my brother has decided to move to chicago for law school this fall. i'm so excited to be able to have him nearby, to see him more than twice a year. as long as i can squeeze him into my crazy schedule.

things are going to fall into place soon, i can feel it.

2009-04-24T08:45:00.003-05:00

i've decided that i'm not fit for the professional kitchen. i can't get comfortable with the stainless steal, high heat and impersonal banged up pots and pans. i just don't fit in. i am looking forward to seeing where i fit in outside of the commercial kitchen once i'm done with school. in the meantime i need to try harder to thrive and learn and cook well in a the kendall college kitchens.

i'm half way through my methods of cooking class, where we're learning to sear (not "boil") meats, poach fish, braise more meats, and sautee, among other things. we made pasta last week and now i'm on a kick - i can't stop thinking about rolling out dough and making crazy ravioli. last weekend we had some friends over for dinner and i finally followed through with my threat to duplicate Schwa restaurant's famous quail egg ravioli. the results were fantastic.

schwa on the left, me on the right (test ravioli with a chicken yolk, but you get the idea). not exactly identical, but still worth the effort. the secret is the truffle oil ricotta - a little ring of it keeps the yolk in place as you make the ravioli.

last night in class we braised. lamb, veal, beef. braising is one of my all time favorite cooking methods (is it totally nerdy that i have a favorite cooking method?) but the braising i do at home - rustic, loose, le creuset dutch oven - and the braising we do in class - exact, uniform, shitty bent pans - are worlds apart. it's hard to learn to do something differently when you already feel like you have it down.

i have a few big projects coming up, i have to come up with a business concept, name, logo and tagline for my foodservice business planning class and i'm having trouble with it. i know it's just an assignment and i can do absolutely anything, but i can't help attaching meaning to it, approaching it as if it were my final say in what i am going to do with this adventure. and that is still a big fat unknown.

in other totally unrelated news, two new babies came into my life this week - little tyler was born on sunday night to a good friend from college and yesterday, my stepsister made me an aunt again with little lizzie. i can't wait to meet them.

2009-04-12T09:00:00.001-05:00

today craig and i celebrate our six year wedding anniversary. six years. it feels like it has been so much longer, yet the time has just flown by. six years ago today we used the words "forever and always" to promise our hearts to each other for eternity. and i wore a dress that was every so slightly too big with 4" heels and he had a soul patch on his chin. we were two 23 year olds who didn't know any better than that we loved each other and always would. we had no idea that it would only get better as time went on.

last year we celebrated five years with a trip to chile and had an amazing experience. five years is big. five years is a milestone. five years is worth celebrating. six - six years is just six years. but it's one more year than five, so i guess it's a big celebratory milestone plus one. the traditional six year wedding anniversary gifts are candy or iron and the modern gift is wood. so we're finally buying a proper wood bedframe. it seems appropriate.

there are millions of reasons i love my husband, but here are six that strike me as special at this moment:

1. he has never, ever, refused to eat something i have cooked. even the sticky massive tasteless rice noodle disaster of 2003. he is also an incredibly adventurous eater - sometimes more than me. (hoof tacos? craig tried them.)

2. he never fails to give me at least one compliment a day. he can tell when i want someone to tell me i look cute.

3. he always looks great. he's a very handsome man. and he lets me cut his hair the way i like it.

4. he let me help my mother move half way across the country to be closer to us. he hasn't complained once.

5. he keeps doing things that make me proud of him and excited for his (our) future.

6. everything is meaningful to him. even the little things. i love that.

2009-04-10T13:00:00.002-05:00

my second quarter of culinary school started this week. i am taking three classes - foodservice business planning for ten weeks, and methods of cooking for 5 weeks, followed by intro to garde manger for the second 5 weeks of the quarter. so far we've cooked vegetables (why do the french boil everything?) and starches - rice, risotto, potatoes and pasta.

i had to be a smart ass and hand cut my pasta instead of using the cutter attachment for the pasta roller. i keep forgetting how easy pasta is to make - i'm definitely going to reincorporate it into my rotating dinner menu.

it feels great to be back in class- i really missed my classmates and the experiences we share in the kitchen. it also feels like time is slipping away too fast. i've already technically completed 1/4 of my studies - and although i have learned a lot, i'm not sure i've absorbed as much as i had wanted to. i'm also feeling overwhelmed, like i don't have enough time to myself anymore. i'm working on ways to deal with that, and hopefully i'll come up with a solution soon...

i'm getting the spring itch - i keep wearing clothes and shoes that probably aren't quite ready to

i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but my company has been amazingly supportive of my cooking school venture, and has given me a budget to cook for the office about twice a month. i've been cooking soups exclusively so far - chicken noodle, split pea, minestrone, tortilla, lentil, chicken and rice, cream of chicken, and today: matzoh ball. one of my jewish coworkers brought in her grandmother's incredibly vague matzoh ball recipe ("omi's matzoh balls") for us to decipher, and although i had never even tasted matzoh ball soup before, i think we figured out the quantities allright and made a damned tasty soup.

so here is the recipe - my interpretation of Omi's matzoh balls soup.
serves 15-20.

ingredients:
for the matzoh balls:
1 box matzoh, broken into smallish pieces
1 large onion, small dice
2 oz butter
6 eggs
1 tbsp garlic salt
2 tsp black pepper
2 tsp salt
2 tsp ground nutmeg
1 cup matzoh meal

for the soup:
1 pound of carrots, sliced
2 large onions, small dice
2 oz butter
8 quarts of chicken broth
1 small bunch parsley, finely chopped

to start the matzoh balls: soak matzoh in warm water for about 5 minutes until soft. drain and squeeze out excess water.
sautee onion in butter over medium heat until translucent. add drained matzoh and cook, stirring to break up the matzoh, for about 5 minutes. turn off heat and cover. let sit for 10 minutes or so to steam.
spread matzoh and onion mixture on a baking sheet or platter to cool, stirring every few minutes.
for the soup, while the matzoh mixture is cooling heat butter over medium heat and sautee onions and carrots until onion is translucent. add chicken broth and bring to a simmer.
to finish the balls: combine eggs, garlic salt, pepper, salt and nutmeg. get yourself a bowl with some cold water to dip your hands in - this will prevent the matzoh ball mixture from sticking too much. when matzoh mixture is about room temperature, add eggs and use your fingers to combine. add matzoh meal.
roll balls with the palms of your hands to about ping pong ball size, dipping your hands in the water occasionally to keep the sticky mixture from sticking to your hands. your mixture should make about 75 balls.
add balls to simmering broth and simmer for just under 5 minutes. when they're done they will float to the top.
serve 3-4 matzoh balls per person and sprinkle with a bit of finely chopped parsley.

2009-03-23T16:36:00.003-05:00

i am currently on spring break, which feels odd, like i should be woo-ing and drinking and sleeping late. or traveling. i'm doing half of those - i'm going to VA to see a large portion of my family and one of my friends this weekend. and i've been celebrating with friends quite a bit in the past week. tonight i'm looking forward to going home and relaxing. take a bubble bath. maybe start packing for my 4 day weekend trip to the east coast.

i'm in a lull, feeling slightly out of place and trying to figure out where i'm going. i can't really describe how i'm feeling right now, except that i'm slighly lost. i need to gain some clarity before i move forward on this new path of mine, establish some rules and deadlines and plans and redefine my dreams. they're a little fuzzy right now, for a number of reasons. i feel scrambled.

but everything is good. i'm having some exciting encounters, meeting some amazing people, overreacting to some crazy half baked ideas. i keep expecting something to fall in my lap, bite me on the ass, shine down on me from the heavens. it may have already done it, but i've been too caught up in everything else to notice.

if i could take a month sabbatical i would. in a heartbeat. how come month long sabbaticals aren't standard in american business? time off to redirect, regroup, reload. the past three months have been harder on me than i thought.

to change the subject, we are in the process of refinancing our mortgage, which feels oddly more permanent than buying our home in the first place. maybe it's the returning to zero on our 30 year mortgage, perhaps its the knowledge that we need to definitely stay another 3 years to make it worth it. but we are pretty sure our place has appreciated, which is a good thing right now.

i'm sleepy today. neighbors with habits of blaring tvs at 5 am are not my favorite people.

2009-03-12T17:40:00.002-05:00

i passed my sanitation exam with flying colors - i got a 91%, well above the 75% required for certification. i am a sanitation expert, people! now go wash your hands.

i have my final on monday for my kitchen course - we reviewed the material this week in class and i'm a little nervous of all of the memorization i have to do, french terms and ingredients i have to remember (does a choron sauce have tomato, or lobster? what is the mother sauce again?) (interestingly, when you google "choron sauce" the first link that comes up is for obscure.org. that pretty much sums up a lot of what i'm learning.)

i have almost three weeks off before i come back to an increased class schedule for the spring quarter. i'm taking food service business planning (sounds thrilling, right?) and i will continue my kitchen courses with the same classmates and instructor for intro to garde manger (the "cold" kitchen - salad, platters, etc) and methods of cooking. i'm anxious about having class three nights a week instead of just two, so bear with me if i don't see you for a while between april and june.

i am considering taking the summer off to have some time to relax and enjoy chicago when it's warm out, and practice cooking. maybe think about where i'm going with this thing. i'm still young, i have plenty of time to figure it out. that's one of the great things about cooking - you can teach yourself quite a bit just by practicing. doing it right just means it tastes good. that's an easy qualifier. there are so many ways to build your skills.

my evenings and weekends seem to be double booking quite often - tonight i have two drink dates, one after another. saturday and sunday i have both brunch and dinner plans. i'm cooking so much less now that i'm in school. i might need some time off to remedy that.

2009-03-03T14:52:00.004-06:00

the past two weeks have been a whirlwind for me, without much time to think. the combination of full time work, part time school, and obligations to friends and family is finally getting to me. it hit me when i realized i haven't seen three couples that we used to be quite close to in roughly 3 months - and they all live in our neighborhood.

craig and i took a weekend trip to san francisco two weeks ago. it was our second visit to the west coast town, and definitely won't be our last. we ate a ton of fabulous food and after an eye opening weekend i finally admitted out loud that i could live there someday. we spent weeks planning and researching, and armed with a list of about 30 restaurants to pick from for the 7 meals we were to eat there, we ended up eating at two. we didn't make it to luna park, slow club or bakery tartine, but we did eat and drink at a number of fantastic establishments, including canteen (this is the restaurant i would own someday), bar tartine (brunch = heaven), beretta (lardo and sopressata and mortadella. oh my.), and bourbon and branch (the password is books.)

we spent time at the farmers market at the ferry building where i had an oyster for the first time in 10 years - when i decided i wasn't a fan - but this time i loved it. adored it. wanted to stay there and eat them all day.

i could so get used to living with a farmers market like this. we would, of course, need someone to give craig an incredibly well paying job so i could spend my time shopping and eating and cooking, but we can figure that out later.

aside from eating and drooling over produce and jarred goods i couldn't bring back home with me we spent some time shopping, gazing at artwork, and reuniting with friends. i came home with a new orla kiely wallet, a full belly and a heart that has made room for my new favorite city. (after chicago, of course.)

then i came back to real life. for school i had a two day sanitation class last weekend, to clock the required 16 hours necessary for certification with the state. i'm surprised i survived it - the instructor was one of these hyper intense people - full of so much energy and enthusiasm about sanitation and food borne illness that he talked about a mile a minute, making it difficult to understand him at points. after 13 chapters, a myriad of stories about bacteria and rats and people dying and foods rotting, we took the exam. i'll find out in a few days if i passed. honestly, i was so exhausted and overwhelmed i'm not confident how well i did. but, i did walk away with a few business cards - new friends and contacts - and some information that may prevent me from ever purchasing ground beef, fish, or deli meat from a grocery store ever again.

in class we're learning the nuances of mother sauces and their derivatives, the biggest challenge for me being memorizing the french names. i feel like we're slowing down a bit - but really, i think we're just all getting better and moving faster.

tonight i'm practicing some original recipes - i'm starting a portfolio of foods, a database that will someday help me begin my new career. wish me luck.

2009-02-17T17:30:00.001-06:00

recently i've been blown away at how lucky i am. to have the opportunity to be pursuing something i am so passionate about, to have family and friends who support me so wholeheartedly, and to have a husband who buys me kitchen appliances for gift giving occasions. i've received a meat grinder, multiple knives and a kitchenaid mixer from my fabulous husband, and for valentine's day he surprised me with a beautiful 14 cup cuisinart. i am a lucky lucky girl.

last week i had a terrible time with roux in class - i rushed and screwed it up and it threw me off for the entire evening. so i left class for the week feeling slightly defeated, questioning my purpose and ability. i spent the weekend without cooking much, which simultaneously relaxed me and wound me up, and i showed up at class this monday tired, weak, and praying the night would fly by.

last night in the kitchen we each made a beef consomme from beef and duck stock we made last week. consomme is a broth that is clarified by egg white and ground meat, flavored by additional vegetables and herbs. i have to admit that i'm not entirely convinced that consomme is worth the effort and is any better than a really good quality stock, but i understand the reasoning and uses. chef tasted mine and my neighbors and praised us heavily. i cleaned up my station feeling much better than last tuesday after the roux disaster.

after our consommes were tasted and critiqued, chef called everyone to his demo table, explaining that we would now make crepes. i have never attempted to make crepes, being afraid of the thin delicate batter and seemingly difficult execution required for quality crepe making. we watched chef effortlessly swirl and flip and stack, and then he sent us on our way, saying, "you have the recipe but you will not measure, just make it good." oh, ok.

( i've come to adore chef's little sayings, looking forward to them after each demo, and he keeps sharing new ones with us every week. "you can have a good time now" when sending us off to practice the technique just demonstrated to us, and "just make it good" when someone asks how much salt to add to the consomme, and "it is cooked when i say that it is cooked" in response to a question of how you know when the roux is ready.)

so we went to our stations and i cracked my eggs and added a few heaping spoonfulls of flour, then a few more, until the thick ribbony consistency of chef pierre's batter was achieved. then in with butter, salt, sugar, then the milk, whisking and analyzing until it looked thin and silky like his. i poured a 2 ounce ladel of my batter into my little buttered skillet, swirled and smiled. it looked beautiful. "pear-fect, em-ay-lee!" i heard as chef approched the stack of crepes on my cutting board. "every one, em-ay-lee made pear-fect crepes! come here and look at em-ay-lee's crepes!" as i was turning red i was also grinning, i was reassured of how pear-fect this new career is going to be for me, and reminded of how lucky i am to be experiencing this right now.

2009-02-12T13:29:00.003-06:00

i came down with a bout of food poisoning related sickness last week. again. it was either guacamole at frontera, tom yum soup at a thai place near my work, chicken from a catered work lunch, or snacks at nacional 27. i am eating out too much. i don't know what it is about my stomach, but it's becoming rather sensitive. i'm generally a healthy eater, but for some reason my body is reacting rather violently every couple of months. maybe i'm just lucky.

i went to the doctor's office monday morning and when they weighed me the nurse said, "wow, you've lost a lot of weight since your last visit!" well, i've had food poisoning twice. that's one way to do it.

i'm back to normal this week, in time to taste some duck leg confit and duck rillettes in class. tasting continues to be my favorite part of this education.

we made roux on tuesday night, and for the first time i failed miserably. i've made roux and sauces plenty of times at home, but i guess i was having a terribly off night. overcooked, overfloured, and underthickened sauce. gross. hopefully i'll have my game back by next week.

2009-02-10T12:04:00.003-06:00

last night was my first culinary school exam. we completed our introduction to professional cookery course, culminating in a half written and half practical exam. as chef was grading my dice, battonet, and tournet, he looked up and raised his eyebrows. "zees are pretty good, em-ay-lee," he said as he turned the tournets around in his hands. he checked the length of my battonet, fingered through my onion dice, giving me the maximum points for each. he then spent about 30 seconds scrutinizing my medium dice of potato. "i have to find somesing here. nobody is perfect. not even me." as he scribbled a 19/20 next to the medium dice on my grading sheet. 20/20 for professionalism and i walked away with a 99%. that coupled with missing one question on the written exam means i walk away with an A. so that's that.

after 5 weeks of classes i've realized that this program is not exactly the most intense program i could be enrolled in - chef pierre is not very hard on us. i expected to be cutting mounds and mounds of potatoes, having chef tell me to try again because they weren't PERFECTLY square, but that hasn't been the case. he's content if we can just understand and implement the gist of the technique or concept. i go back and forth between wishing he was more of a hard ass on us and being thankful that i don't have to spend hours upon hours studying and worrying that i'm not memorizing the acidity levels of different grapes and practicing my knife skills until i have blisters.

the good news: i'm learning a lot. the bad news: i'm realizing i will never learn it all, but i'm coming to terms with that. it's probably ok. even the best chefs don't have their brains wrapped around EVERYTHING. they specialize in one thing or another, they spend their time trying to learn everything they need to make one cuisine or technique perfect. i need to do some culinary soul searching about what my concentration will be. i've dabbled around and have become decent at a wide range of techniques and cuisines, but not great at one. i have this rennaisance man complex, i need to be able to at least make one item from every category, and i need to maybe let some of them go. this is going to take more practice.

2009-02-04T17:02:00.002-06:00

part 1. fini.

next monday is the final in my first culinary school class, intro to professional cooking. we'll be tested on our basic knowledge (how many ounces in a pint, what is a straight sided sauce pan called, how many ounces of clarified butter does a pound of whole butter yield, etc), and then chef pierre's boss, will test us on our knife skills. he will watch us make a medium dice, battonet, and the dreaded tourne (little football shapes). we practiced our potato tourne-ing skills both days this week, and frankly, i'm bored with it. i can do a pretty decent tourne, but it doesn't excite me like the other things we've been learning do, like fileting fish. or deboning a chicken. or clarifying butter! or making a garlic anchovy butter for escargot that we get to eat! in class!

this is, without a doubt, the most satisfying learning experience i have ever pursued. i hope it keeps up. i'm having a blast, even with the damned tourne of potato.

2009-02-03T16:02:00.004-06:00

top chef.

so i've now lost count of the number of times people have asked me when i'm going to be on top chef. i appreciate your enthusiasm and belief in my skills, but it's probably not going to happen.

or is it?

last week we did a little quick fire style challenge with our bass filets - chef pierre told us to save a section of one of our stiped bass filets for something he would explain later. so we iced it and went on to our flatfish and another demo and some cleaning up - and forgot about the filets.

then, out of nowhere he tells us to cook them. quickly. with a sauce and a garnish GO! all hell broke loose as people were searching the cooler, the spice rack, the freezers for ANYTHING that would make their dish remarkable. as my classmates were rushing around grabbing milk, capers, spring onion, rice, mushrooms, and tomato, i blanked. i had no idea where to start with my fish. i am a planner, i like to evaluate and take my time. i am not a quick thinker, but there i was, with time clicking away and people already starting to plate. so i grabbed a shallot, butter, a lemon. some parsley. found the white wine. discovered some flour. i did a simple dredge, pan fried the fish, and started on a lemon butter wine sauce.

as everyone was congregating at the tasting table, i sampled my sauce and to my horror discovered that it was terrible. awful. i added more butter and some pepper and let it simmer vigorously as i started to panic. the wine needed to cook off - it was way too pungent. chef pierre was beginning to his tasting and commenting going around the table to each person's plate and i was still cooking my sauce. at the last possible minute i poured the sauce, dropped the fish on top, garnished with some lemon slices and pushed my way towards the table to put my plate down, which drew all eyes my way. chef reached out with his spoon to taste it as i hid behind a classmate and cringed. "this one is simple. but good." really? he went on, praised some, criticized some, and then we were left to taste for ourselves. i went to mine first - and it wasn't half bad.

simple. but good.

2009-02-02T14:04:00.002-06:00

last week we butchered chickens, ducks, poussin (baby chickens), striped bass, and sole. i'm finding taking apart animals comes naturally to me...once you have a vague understanding of the anatomy of an animal, taking the meat off its bones is pretty easy. i'm learning a lot about my fellow classmates as we're going through these exercises as well. there are a few squeamish people, a few who don't think they need to learn how to disassemble a tiny bird from the inside out (and stuff it with a mushroom rice stuffing and wrap it in bacon and eat it! yum!), and a few who are also quite good at taking the bones out of things. i actually find it calming. like methodically taking apart a puzzle. last weekend i bought three chickens just so i could take them apart at home - my freezer is full of beautifully butchered airline breasts and quarts of chicken stock. i also made the stuffed boneless deal, but with a full grown chicken's boneless thigh and leg quarter. here's what it looked like:

it tasted divine. if you're nice, i'll make one for you sometime.

i'm starting to feel a bit restless in class - i want to do more, bigger, harder things. i want to debone a turkey from the inside out and stuff it with a duck, stuffed with a chicken. seriously, i am feeling the urge to flex my crazy inside out deboning knowledge and make a turducken.

chef pierre praised my poussin deboning, saying "SOMEBODY did a good job, em-ay-lee!" that is my favorite thing to hear so far.

*i realized i didn't link to my friend's culinary school adventure blog, so here it is. enjoy comparing out stories.

2009-01-22T14:04:00.002-06:00

i make perfect chicken stock, and my chicken butchering skills are perfect. it's true. i'm not being cocky. chef brian told me so.

class tuesday went well, obviously. we started learning about proteins, and learned to turn a perfectly good whole chicken into 8 little pieces. i have to admit, i have never butchered a raw chicken. i have disassembled plenty of roasted chickens, but have never done anything to a whole chicken but season and throw it in a roasting pan or dutch oven. guess what? it's EASY! you just follow the curve of the bones and lines of fat and the connections of the joints and then you have boneless skinless chicken breasts and deboned thighs and a carcass ready to make chicken stock!

speaking of stock...after we were all done butchering our chickens and ducks (we're making confit out of the drumsticks next week! i can't wait!), we threw all of the bones into the gigantic stock pot in the corner of the kitchen. i was asking chef brian (the assistant chef instructor to chef pierre) about my homemade stock, how i felt like it was a little bit too gelatinous after it cooled, and he tells me "that is a sign that the stock is very well made. it means you got everything out of the bones. you make very good stock." well ok, then! that is what i like to hear. craig, however, reinterprets my story as follows:

me: "hey, chef? i have a question. when i make perfect delicious well made stock, is that a problem? i mean, when my stock is finished, it is just absolutely ideal in every way, shape, and form. is that ok?"

chef: "yes. that is ok."

every single one of my classmates: (rolling eyes) "bitch."

so, my spirits continue to be high, and my uniform continues to be too big, and my knife skills are improving. i bought three chickens yesterday. guess what we're having for dinner all weekend?

i'll be posting some photos soon - i let a classmate use my iphone during class this week to document for HER blog, which has given me the idea to start taking photos myself. i did take one: chef pierre showing us an fancy pants (and economical!) chicken dish. i'm totally making this next time we have dinner guests.

2009-01-15T15:12:00.003-06:00

we finally cooked this week! tomato a la portuguese. simple enough. we also got to taste some food prepared by the mediterranean class next door - lamb with a vegetable relish of some sort, and a chick pea, shrimp, black olive dish with harissa. it was nice to finally be able to eat something between the hours of 6 and 11. my stationmates and i also ate about half a raw rutabega - which was quite tasty - as we practiced our dice.

i also finally ate in the cafeteria for the first time this week - i get one meal a day included in my tuition and i haven't made it to school in time to take advantage of it until this week. it is a good time to chat with my classmates, and a good opportunity to see what the students in the full time programs are making (and see some of our fancy cut potatos and rutabegas and carrots in there), but i'll give it a few more dinners before i start analyzing the food options here.

i had a nightmare this morning that i used to have in undergrad - that graduation day comes around and i realize i had skipped an entire quarter of one crucial class so i can't graduate. i think i'm having some anxiety around what i'm going to do with my life when i'm done here, am i really going to be able to make a living off of my culinary skills? not to mention pay back the loans i'm about to take out to pay for it all? only time will tell, i guess. and in the meantime i'll just keep eating rutabaga scraps and having fun learning more about my hobby.

2009-01-12T12:06:00.000-06:00

so i spent all weekend reading about 6 chapters in my textbook, including a 30 page chapter on flavorings - from basil to tawny port. it still feels unreal reading about things that 1) i already know a good bit about, and 2) that i actually enjoy learning. i will likely get over this sooner than later, but i'm still feeling oddly guilty.

hubb and i stayed in almost all weekend, watching movies and studying and napping. we finally watched ratatouille and now i wish i was going to be home tonight to cook something tomatoey and warm. we also manged to fit in a bacon tasting brunch (5 types of bacon - my house still smells like pork), and i made a yummy hard cider braised chicken with parsnips and brussel sprouts with heavy cream. it was a saucy dinner and it was delicious. (thanks, erielle for the brussel sprout tip!) (and for feeding us tagliatelle and letting me play with your wonderful baby.)

i keep meaning to photograph my uniform and i keep forgetting. maybe one of these days i'll remember to put it on and pose in front of a mirror for an unflattering self portrait. chefs uniforms are not meant for 5 foot tall curvy people. i purchased the smallest sizes available and i still feel like i'm swimming in my jacket, not to mention the 4" thick elastic wasteband of my pants coming nearly to my armpits. but i'm not in culinary school to be sexy, or to meet a boyfriend. i'm there to learn, to cook. and at least my pants won't fall down while i'm doing it.

2009-01-08T19:00:00.000-06:00

i'm a week late, but better late than never. i'm taking a different approach to my resolutions this year, they are more high level than usual, leaning more towards me being happy than participating in activities or having some new experience. since last year's resolutions i've started doing yoga, am planning for a half-marathon, have sold paintings, started culinary school and been to south america. looking back at last year's resolutions, i feel pretty good. except for the photos thing. my camera is still getting dusty.

i'm turning 30 this year, which means so many different things to me, none of which i'll go into right now, except that i am looking forward to it. it's making me think about what i'm doing, where i'm going, and how i deal with it. so, here it is.

1. be sure of myself. i question my actions, words and emotions way too often, and it shows. i need to be more confident.

2. follow through more. i tend to overcommit myself, make grand plans that i never fully complete. i need to be more reliable, if only to myself.

3. be more flexible. i get stuck on the rules, the agenda, the "way" and i can't keep getting all out of sorts when things don't go the way i expect them to. i need to let things happen. they'll happen anyway sooner or later, good or bad, and i need to accept it.

4. enjoy life more. this one encompases the other three, really. don't get me wrong, i have a great life and i'm grateful for it. i have a good job, a wonderful husband, loving and supportive friends and family, and the opportunity to pursue my dreams. i let all kinds of other things get in the way of enjoying it, though. i need to learn to relax and have more fun.

i'm already feeling good about where this is taking me.

2009-01-07T16:00:00.000-06:00

by special request i'll be blogging my way through my experience in culinary school, documenting, commenting, and analyzing my experiences for those of you who are interested. culinary school confidential. secrets of a culinary student. culinary student rant. whatever you want to call it.

i'm just taking one class this quarter to kick everything off - intro to professional cookery. i have class two days a week for 5 hours each, consisting of a short lecture followed by 3-4 hours of kitchen time. i'll have this basic techniques class for 5 weeks, then we'll switch to the soups, stocks and sauces class with the same instructor for the next 5 weeks.

so, week one. my program is geared towards working professionals, and my fellow students consist of about 23 people from all different backgrounds who are all there for very different reasons. we have people like me who just love to cook and want to make a career out of it, retirees, a flavor scientist, dog hotel owner, hair salon owner, lots of finance people, a journalist, personal trainer and a slew of others. most of this week consisted of introductions, getting acquainted with the facilities and equipment we'll be working with, culinary history, and basic knife cuts. we've done julienne, brunoise, battonet, small and medium dice, rondelles, pommes frites, and tourne, to celery, onion, leeks, potato and carrots. i am learning knife skills that i will likely never duplicate in real life (a tourne is the most useless thing you can do to a potato, in my opinion, not to mention there are machines that produce a much more consistent cut than i ever could), but i'm glad i'm learning them. and i've proven to be pretty consistent with my knife, producing "beautiful" dices and rondelles, according to our assistant chef. and although i've gotten the knife motion down, the tourne needs some practice. anyone want to come over for a potato dinner anytime soon?

my french chef instructor, chef pierre, has started off a little easy on us, but i'm sure he's going to become more of a hard ass as the quarter moves on. he's got a great sense of humor and really seems passionate about our education. he is also passionate about recycling and being environmentally conscious, having us recycle every peel of potato for compost, every imperfect cut of vegetable for stock, and all of the more consistent cuts for use in the cafeteria. i am pleased to know that none of our practice is going to waste.

so i have survived my first week of class. i was anxious about how i would fit in, if wondered if i would know immediately if i was doing the right thing or not. well, i do fit in, and after one week i know i'm doing exactly the right thing for me. i already have the rudimentary skills, passion, determination and discipline, and i am eager and excited about everything, no matter now basic it seems, that i am learning. my right shoulder hurts and i've only cut myself once, sliding my knife into my kit. but everthing is perfect.

2008-12-12T17:13:00.002-06:00

so, i've been busy, neglecting things like photography, communicating with friends and family, and blogging. there are lots of reasons for this - craft fairs, commissions, work, and most recently, finalizing details to start culinary school next month. !! i'm going to culinary school! everything is aligning right now to give me the opportunity to pursue a dream, something i have always thought about but never considered as a real option in my life. i'm taking the risk. i'm going to be attending kendall college under a part time culinary certificate program, and hopefully in less than two years i'll graduate as chef emily, available for all of your personal chef and in home catering needs. in the meantime, please be patient with me since i probably won't be seeing much of you, either online or in person, for the next 18 months or so.

in other news, i can't believe it's already winter - currently 17 degrees and falling - and christmas is only two weeks away. i still have tons of shopping/crafting/cooking to do, and we still haven't designed let alone mailed our holiday cards. i have vivid memories of being a kid and telling my parents i was bored. where did those times go? i haven't been bored in decades.

in case i flake (which is likely) and don't log on again in the next two weeks - i wish you all a very happy and healthy holiday season, full of good company, good food, and good times.

2008-11-05T14:02:00.004-06:00

i've rewritten this a few times now, and i'm having trouble putting my emotions into words. proud, excited, hopeful, elated, calm....emotional. we went to the obama election night rally in grant park last night, with 1,000,000 or so other people. the peaceful excitement that swept grant park was unbelievable, everyone was in such high spirits, laughing, smiling, crying....incredible. the sheer magnitude of the crowd was enough to make my eyes water, but hearing the cheering and the yelling and the chanting made my heart melt. i am so grateful to have been part of such a momentous night in the history of our country. i've never been so proud of america, to be an american. we're not half bad. it was an absolutely incredible experience i will remember forever.

top moments (which greatly outweighed the lows):
1. the moment i realized this would be an expeirence i would tell my children and my grand children about.
2. saying the pledge of allegiance with a million other people. crying while doing so.
3. seeing the throngs of obama supporters smiling and laughing as we crowded the streets leaving grant park. without the cheerful excitement, the scene would have been straight out of an armageddon film, littered pavement and cars unable to move through the crowds overtaking the streets. but everyone was elated. the cops were even smiling.
4. watching virginia turning into a blue state. sorry, dad.
5. buying the "chicago's in the house" t-shirt from a guy on the street. the white house with a chicago flag. awesome.
6. having a near painless commute home. thanks, CTA!
7. seeing a metal detecting security guard stop wanding someone in order to clap for obama getting ohio.
8. realizing that i am still considered a member of the "youth vote".

low moments:
1. hearing the wrong words sung during the national anthem. didn't anyone give the lady a lyrics sheet? that was bad.
2. annoying obama fan shouting "yes, sir!" and "we're behind you!" after EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE our president elect said in his victory speech.
3. porta potties. unavoidable.

my friend trevor took some much better photos.

2008-11-04T09:29:00.002-06:00

i voted this morning. i was expecting hours of waiting, annoying ignorant poll volunteers, and grumpy fellow voters. instead i was greeted with the most streamlined voting experience i've ever had in my neighborhood. speedy and intelligent volunteers, cheerful and peppy neighbors waiting in line with me, and only 22 minutes of my time spent on the whole experience. i bounced off to work with a great feeling, the beautiful sunny almost 60 degree day brightening my spirits even more.

and tonight, we will be attending the Obama election night rally in grant park! (special thanks to our friends who are taking us as their guests.) i'm still sort of in a fog about all of this, and as a friend put it, "it will be historic no matter WHERE you are!", but i'm really looking forward to being present during one of the key moments of probably the most amazing election in history.

in other news, i turned 29 a few days ago. it has hit me a little harder than i thought it would...i know i'm still young and still have time to do everything i want to do in my lifetime, but it feels like a turning point. i'm expecting this year to be pretty awesome, and i'm really looking forward to 30, but i can't help feeling like i've forgotten something, left something behind with my 20s. i've got less than a year to figure out what that might be.

happy election day!

2008-10-01T17:29:00.002-05:00

things i've cooked in my kitchen recently that i want to cook again. soon.

1. whole wheat honey bread with strawberry preserves
2. mashed carrots with basil pesto (this one is making it on the thanksgiving menu this year)
3. roasted pear, caramelized leek, and blue cheese salad with lemon vinaigrette
4. cheesy broccoli and cauliflower soup
5. pork and cabbage potstickers with spicy honey soy dipping sauce
6. pot roast with figs and carrots (recipe coming soon)

due to lack of free time recently, i realize i've turned this blog into a list a la my little brother. i hope it's still somewhat interesting.

2008-09-05T13:00:00.003-05:00

5 random links that speak of my obsesions:

1. fellow emily makes beautiful beautiful birdies.
2. i'd love to see 4 or 5 prints from the bird branding project hanging in my house.
3. love birds.
4. amy ruppel christmas cards!
5. i'd like to wipe stuff up with this.

2008-08-19T08:49:00.004-05:00

i woke up 4 minutes before my 5:30 am alarm went off this morning, and couldn't fall back asleep because i couldn't remember if i had reset my alarm from 6:30 to 5:30, so i checked the iphone and the brightness of it fully woke me up and i was screwed. it also woke up my cat, she looked at me all squishy faced, like "turn that shit off, crazy lady. it's too bright and it's early and i'm trying to sleep here." she is not nocturnal at all, that cat. i think she sleeps in the same position next to my elbow all night long. she is also a little bit senile, despite being only 5 years old. (which is apparently 36 in human years according to a handy cat age conversion chart i found on the internet.) she likes to "hide" under tiny pieces of blanket on the bed. over the weekend i found her front half huddled under a blanket with her nose peeking out, her bum fully out in the open, like an ostrich. it made me smile. for a long time. i even took a photo so i can look at it when i'm down. pets are entertaining, and i'm glad we've domesticated them.

summer has finally calmed down, hubb has stopped traveling around the world for work and i've stopped putting social drinking engagements on my calender every single evening.

i've been wearing a lot of dresses, and am feeling more girly than ever recently. dainty and fragile and emotional and all that. i think it might be a hormonal thing, but for now i'm indulging myself and giving myself more breaks than are probably necessary. i'm probably becoming an annoying pain in the you know what because of it, actually. i should stop.

but right now i am ready for a nap and a snack and a pedicure. if i could eat a huge fried somethingoranother and then nap while being pedicured, that would be ideal.

2008-07-29T11:53:00.003-05:00

i'm getting to a point in my life where i'm questioning what really matters to me. what the important things are, things and people i should be concentrating on. friendships, family, goals. less on the little things and more on the big picture. it's making me more centered and easy going, i think. the big picture is good.

a few recent events have changed my big picture thinking, and i've noticed a difference in the way i am dealing with them. it's a good thing, it just makes me reflect in a way i haven't before.

so. in other news, we're redecorating the house a bit, to help keep it fresh and exciting and more spacious so we can stay there until the market begins to crawl back up. which is tearing me apart because i want to buy a bigger home while the market is down. it's a conundrum, that's for sure. but we have a halfway finished office/craft space that i actually want to spend time in, and i have a few plans for our great room and master bath. little things that will change the big picture of our living spaces.

i've also quickly learned that i need to pare down. get rid of some things i've been hanging on to "just in case", but "just in case" is never going to happen. so. purge. there is no reason to hold onto 10 pairs of dress pants that are 3 sizes too small. really.

i've been taking a yoga class and i'm finding it invigorating and calming in ways i've never found exercise to be. not that it's overly aerobic, but i'm feeling stronger and more balanced, and that can only be a good thing for my body. although i totally threw my hip into a tizzy with a triangle pose last week, it still felt good to feel things i don't often feel.

the big picture still felt great.

2008-07-15T16:39:00.002-05:00

wow, so a month, huh? so long, so busy. what's been happening......raw = amazing, hard to go back to once it's broken. i'm trying again real soon. i need to stop being so social and peer pressured into eating grilled meats and drinking so much. i need to stop drinking so much. but that's what summer's for, right? being social and eating grilled meats and drinking cold beverages. but also for feeling healthy and energized and learning how to eat things that aren't cooked and still be excited by them. which i continue to be, i just have reverted back to my omelet for breakfast and pasta for lunch "old" me because it's easy. it's hard to eat when you have to think about every thing all of the time.

so, foods are abundant and recipes are flowing (mint chocolate muffins, chicken with wine and grapes, mint-lemonade-vodka, raw marinara, pickled cauliflower, etc.) i plan on writing about the raw experience and jotting a few raw and un-raw recipes soon.

plus, i broke my technology retardation and bought an iphone. on release day. after standing in line for 3 hours. if you know me, you know that's so not my thing, but it's really really amazing. i don't know how i properly existed before having the internet in the palm of my hand. incredible.

also, i finished a few commissions and am taking a break from painting for the next few months to concentrate on fabrics and patterns and stuffing. stuffed horseys and teddy bears are due to some babies that are quickly growing out of baby stages. i need to get working.

2008-06-16T11:59:00.003-05:00

so last week was my first week of the raw detox. it kicked off swimmingly, i learned how to make all kinds of delicious raw treats: nut butter, gazpacho, many many juice concoctions, etc. i even learned how to order sensibly in restaurants and resist the temptations of my friends, loved ones, and coworkers. despite a few hurdles (dinner parties, sushi date, drunk food) i made it through the week probably at about 75% raw, which is great!! even during the 25% cooked portions i was still able to stick to my rules and make proper combinations (no mixing meat with starch, nuts with fruit, etc.) the weekend was very social, and therefore hard to stay raw, and so today my stomach is like, "wtf? where's the bread and the beans and the chips, dude?" i'm having a very very difficult day.

on the plus side, i'm drinking less caffeine, i feel energized and awake after eating instead of sleepy and sluggish, i'm sleeping better, and i've lost 3 pounds. i'm also recognizing some of the detox side effects, which is the whole point of this two week "diet". be gone toxins!

so it's the start of week 2 and i have some yummy recipes on the menu this week, and lots of fruit and veggies in the fridge. later this week i plan to post a few of the recipes that i'm planning on adopting into my diet permanently once i'm done detoxing.

but now i'm off to eat jicama salad and gazpacho when i'm really really craving a giant piece of pizza. and some sushi rolls. and spaghetti with meatballs. sigh.

2008-06-05T16:34:00.002-05:00

how come every single summer i get sick? like winter cold flu like sick? like i want to bundle up on the sofa with tea and soup but it's 80 degrees outside and sunny which makes me even more miserable? it is terrible, i tell you. simply terrible.

so there's lots going on this summer despite my best efforts to have a relaxing and calm season. not much travel (for me, anyway) but lots of parties and weddings and get togethers and such. my social calendar is booming. no offense to my wonderful friends and family, but i want some time to myself, too. i have a laundry list (growing by the minute) of home improvements, gardening initiatives, crafts, recipes and weekend jaunts i'd like to start crossing off. plus a few painting commissions and some research into new venues to display and sell my art. any ideas?

even though chile was only less than two months ago, i'm feeling like i need another vacation. a real long vacation to somewhere exotic and magical. i've decided on paris for our next wedding anniversary. only 10 months to go, plenty of time to dream and save and plan and learn french.

a bientot, paris.

2008-05-22T11:34:00.001-05:00

so i've had a few nervous breakdowns recently, have noticed changes in my body and my emotional health, and have decided to do something about it. i've recently become more interested in raw foods, and the health benefits associated with eating a mostly raw diet. i purchased a new book the raw food detox diet, and i'm both nervous and excited about the prospect of changing my diet habits for the better.

the diet is based on a few basic principles (in addition to many more , which make perfect sense. it's all about doing what's best for your body, rather than tricking it or forcing it to behave unnaturally.

1) enzymes. your body uses enzymes to break down the foods you eat. "dead" (cooked) foods do not have any live enzymes in them to replenish what your body is using to digest them. raw foods have all of their enzymes in tact to facilitate digestion. as you grow older and your metabolism slows down, this is due to the depletion of enzymes.

2) food groups. different types of foods (meats, fruits, starches, dried nuts and berries) require different enzymes to break them down in the stomach. when you mix them, the different enzymes can fight against each other, requiring much more time for digestion, therefore leaving the food in your body much longer. eating in specific groupings and avoiding mixing will help digestion along happily and smoothly.

i'm not going to go all out and totally raw (i love my braised meats more than anything), but i am going to make a few key changes in what i put into my body.

1) more raw veggies. this is always hard over the winter months when our csa is on hiatus and walks to the grocery store are undesirable, but it's getting nice out and our veggie deliveries start in a mere 3 weeks! i'm also purchasing a juicer to make some enzyme rich breakfast juices.

2) less alcohol. i keep threatening this, but i'm finally doing something about it. i feel better when i curtail my drinking, less bloated, fewer headaches. some mineral water with lime in my wine glass gives me the same mental pleasure (i deserve something special) that a glass of wine does most of the time.

3) better planned meals. i can never give up my white pasta (they don't make whole wheat buccatini that i can find), but i'm going to start thinking more about what i'm eating with what. i generally create well rounded meals, in the traditional sense, but following the raw diet guidelines will become more of a part of my meal planning. veggies with everything, no mixing meat and starch, no fruit for dessert (causes fermentation in the stomach), waiting 3-4 hours in between meals and snacks, with the exception of fruit which leaves the stomach in 30 minutes. (did you know that?)

there is lots of room for flexibility here, but i truly believe that following these few basic principles for the majority of my diet will be highly beneficial to my overall well being. for me it's not so much about losing weight as listening to my body and treating it well, which is important as i'm getting older. plus, i never knew how tasty juiced romaine lettuce is.

2008-04-25T14:15:00.002-05:00

i'm finding lots of happiness today, despite the rain and humidity and tummyache my unhealthy lunch caused me.

in chronological order:

1. saw that my dining room table is not overtaken by crafts because all of my paintings are patiently waiting for someone to purchase them at DEPART-ment. stop by opening night tonight for the best picks.

2. i left the house having a good hair day, felt skinny in my skinny jeans, and the shirt/jacket i bought in chile still fits perfectly and looks very cute.

3. i discovered these little beauties. they still make me happy even though hubb's veto against any more bird decorations places them out of my grasp.

4. reflecting and feeling happy about so many of my friends' and family members' recent changes....i'm feeling positive about separations that are for the best, moves to new cities (even if they take my friends far away), moves to MY city, purchasing of new homes, new jobs, babies.

5. dreaming about veggie and egg and fruit shares that begin june 14. only 7 more weeks...

2008-04-22T17:23:00.003-05:00

i've been absent for a while...partly because i've been so busy but also because i'm doing my annual questioning whether or not this is even worth keeping up. so there it is.

what have i been doing?
1. painting. i'll be selling some pieces at DEPART-ment this weekend. come check it out!

2. visiting. traveling to virginia, having guests, visiting with friends who live closeby but i don't see nearly enough.

3. celebrating my 5 year wedding anniversary in santiago, chile. the trip deserves its very own long winded post, which i will get to, i promise.

what am i looking forward to?
1. my little brother graduating college in a few weeks. college! i can't get over how grown up he is.

2. my mom moving to chicago next month! yes, really! it's almost final...

3. summertime. bike riding. skirt wearing. drinking beers outside. our veggie and egg deliveries. all that good stuff.

i'll see you all soon.

2008-03-13T11:47:00.003-05:00

despite the weeklong congestion-from-hell-head-and-chest-cold i'm still battling, and the fact that we owe taxes AGAIN, i'm glowing today. so much happiness and wonderfullness. some of it big, some of it small, but all of it nice and sweet.

loveliness:
1. we're almost ticketed for our trip to chile next month. a stewardess friend of my mother's is helping us out with buddy passes, saving us about $1500. more money for yummy food and wine in the maipo valley. yes sir.

2. we got a letter in the mail yesterday from our mortgage company, the 6 month battle we've been fighting with them regarding our property tax has been resolved. instead of projecting we owe property tax on our entire 13-unit building, they have finally adjusted our monthly escrow payments to reflect just our unit. and not only that, but the check for the balance of our overpayments is in the mail.

3. hubb and i both got pleasantly surprising raises this month. more than we were expecting, which is nice.

4. last weekend allowed us to travel to virginia where we spent just under 48 hours with my entire family, including many small nieces, nephews, and cousins. it was so much fun, and reminded me, once again, of what an amazing family i have.

5. it is 54 degrees right now. spring time is on her way, and my wardrobe couldn't be happier. flats and dresses and flowiness is aching to come out. goodbye black sweaters and boots. good riddance.

now if only my nose would clear up.

2008-03-05T16:22:00.002-06:00

so i've been reading a few inspirational "100 things to do before i die" lists recently and i wanted to put my $0.02 in, too. as i started to think about it i began to consider a few parameters, like do i start the list from here on, neglecting the things i have already accomplished but would be an a top 100 list if i were to write it for me as a baby? do i think in the attainable (learn to make ice cream) and also in the improbable (visit the moon)? do i list things that are similar but different as two different entries? (visit paris. visit london. visit prague etc.) 100 is a lot of things to think of, can i shorten the list to 25 big ones? oh the decisions i have to make. whelp, after all the thought and typing out about 20 items, i gave up. i'm not going to parasail in australia, probably ever. or hike the entire appalachian trail. it's just not going to happen. then i realized i'd listed about 15 things i'd already done (fall in love, graduate college, learn to make pottery, get a tattoo, etc.)

so instead, here's a list of things i've purchased in the past week:

- plane tickets to nyc
- a brown bathing suit
- an adoption fee for a pink flamingo at the national zoo (a gift for my step mother's birthday this weekend)
- a wallet pattern from a girl on etsy
- 3 bottles of my favorite wine (although i think technically hubb paid for that)
- comcast hd cable installation fee

it's been a slow week. before i die i'd like to have a week where i don't purchase a single thing. i think i've got a while to fulfill that one.

2008-02-25T17:31:00.002-06:00

i've had a sudden uplifting...maybe it's the shopping spree i've been on that is lifting my spirits, or passing my annual review at work, or wearing dresses a few times a week that's doing it, but something has brightened my outlook tremendously in the last few weeks. it's good.

in other news, i think hubb and i have decided on a 5 year anniversary trip - - santiago, chile. it's a new experience for both of us, good food, good wine (two of my favorite wineries are in the maipo valley), we won't be berated with recommendations and tips from our friends (no offense, but we really want this trip to be 100% ours, you know?), and most importantly, it will be warm. low 70's to be exact. no too hot, not too cold, just perfect. oh my god i can't wait. hopefully we'll be buying the plane tickets and locking in our plan very soon. airfare is outrageously expensive, but hotels, rental cars and meals will be cheap, and looking at the mountains and the ocean on a 70 degree sunny day is free.

i've been totally distracted by random silliness lately, namely these barack and hillary sites. you've probably already seen them, but enjoy anyway. it's fun to compare.

2008-02-14T17:45:00.002-06:00

i complain all the time about, well, everything, but quite a bit about being busy and having nearly every day in my planner filled with something to do. oh, poor me, with lots of social obligations and places to be. yeah, i'm going to stop complaining because i am in fact very very lucky. incredibly lucky to have such a great network of (incredibly talented) friends who want to be around me, family who love me and want me to come visit them, coworkers that i want to hang out with after 5pm, opportunities to volunteer, the strength to exercise (occasionally) and the financial stability to fit in a few shopping trips in between. life is pretty good. and if that means i take a few less lazy sunday photos and make a few less meals at home, so be it. even if it makes me sigh and start complaining about my busy life again.

just wait until we have a kid.

i'm not pregnant. that wasn't an announcement, just a reflection.

ok, then. so i'm antsy for springtime and just ordered a few cute ruffly things with bows in colors! actual colors other than black and denim! i'm looking forward to rust orange and peacock blue and yellow and white to come back into my daily wardrobe.

i'm wearing a cranberry color today (underneath my black sweater) in honor of valentine's day. i don't have the cynicism a lot of people do about it being a hallmark holiday, which it totally is, because i enjoy the romantic moment it inspires us take with each other, to pause and accept and enjoy each other in the midst of our busy lives. sometimes life just happens underneath you and you catch yourself taking your significant other (or your family, or your friends) for granted. valentine's day is just one of those days that makes us step back and feel grateful for the love we have in our lives. and maybe get some flowers out of the deal.

so happy heart day, friends. i love you.

2008-02-12T17:00:00.001-06:00

i'm still feeling listy. which i am now associating with lazy.

a. the barista at the starbucks that i pass on the way to work has been upgrading me from a grande to a venti, often enough that i am beginning to wonder if it's his way of flirting or if i just look damned tired.

b. i've often looked at the potbelly's bicycle delivery people and wondered if that might be a fun job, riding around the city, making people happy by bringing them food.

c. after eating anything i want for a weekend full of visitors, it's hard to get back to normal and resist buffalo blue cheese fries when they're available.

d. i am so desperate for a vacation, so much that i almost "accidently" bought plane tickets to montreal for the end of the week, and daydreamed a story of why i needed the time off work.

e. looking at potential apartment locations with friends this past weekend got my itchy for something new. i'm sort of slightly considering a few open house visits this weekend. or not. if i am feeling lazy. which i am.

2008-02-06T11:23:00.000-06:00

some things. (i'm totally into lists lately)

- for some reason, anti my usual critical self, i adore this.

- i want to create little business cards that say "i can hear your music. your headphones don't work." to hand to people on the train. i think that would be the polite thing to do, because these people are probably unaware that they are being rude.

- i bought a box of lemongrass tea from the ethnic cosmetic/hair care section of cvs a few weeks ago. it was $1.49 and is currently my favorite beverage.

- i feel totally awesome after tae bo monday. i'm antsy to go back and punish my leg muscles some more. once they stop throbbing, that is.

- i have found the most wonderful toy box, ever. i want it.

- i am almost done reading animal, vegetable, miracle, and it is totally making me want to go live on a farm and raise turkeys and tomatoes and squash. if you're at all into food you should read this inspirational, educational book.

- i would like a vacation soon. somewhere warm, please.

2008-02-04T13:32:00.001-06:00

things i've been thinking about.

- it would be cool to have a chandelier for my dining room table that is also wine glass storage. the wine glasses hang by their stems around the light, creating sparkly romantic lighting and easy access to stemware.

- diy baby stuff. i think one of the reasons hubb and i don't have any kids yet (one of the many many reasons) is that we are against all of the consumerism associated with raising children. disney this and sesame street that, toys and gadgets that we probably need in some capacity but really don't want to have to buy...or find a home for in our little condo. i don't think we'll ever get our families to go along with this, but i'd like to stick to as much of a diy aesthetic/lifestyle as possible when we finally decide to expand our family. handmade wooden and felt toys, handsewn clothes, homemade baby food. i think i have the gumption for it, we'll just see if someday i'll have the time to execute.

- another friend had a baby on friday, and surprise! it was a girl. what are these people eating/drinking that they all are having girl babies? but they're all perfect and beautiful and i wouldn't change any of them into boys. welcome to the world, alice! (i love that name so so much!)

- i keep buying artwork, and i've sort of run out of places to put it. i think i'd like to turn our hallway into a randomly arranged gallery of art...i just need to gather up the courage to put a bunch of nail holes into my walls.

- i keep pretending i'm going to go to a gym, do some aerobic activity, exercise, but i always find an excuse not to. it is possible that some people just aren't built for being active or am i just being lazy?

2008-02-01T12:46:00.000-06:00

today: 10 things about me

1. i love love love blue cheese. everything about it is perfect.

2. i occasionally go through these ADD fits where i can't concentrate on anything for more than a minute. like today on the train i was trying to read newsweek and kept getting bored 2 paragraphs into each article. i hate when that happens.

3. i love to paint my own nails. i love getting pedicures, but i often feel that in my anal retentive attention to detail self, i do a better job at the painting part. sometimes i go through the whole summer with an impeccably self maintained french manicure and pedicure.

4. i have a lot of trouble following recipes. i always feel the need to change it, even by just a little bit. that has resulted in tragedy more than once when i've tried to bake.

5. i bit the tongue of the first guy i ever french kissed. i'm still amazed that he gave me a second chance.

6. i really dislike green bean casserole. with a passion.

7. i have these dual busybody/lazy sides to me. i love me some couch sitting in the evenings, but when i'm home sick, i have to do stuff. i often spend hours in the kitchen making chicken broth, then soup from scratch when i'm home sick from work. it makes me feel better.

8. i believe strongly in holistic and homeopathic medicine, though i don't practice it regularly.

9. i love almost anything with flavored with almond.

10. i used to play soccer when i was a kid, and my nickname was "speedy gonzalez" because i was short and fast.

2008-01-25T10:20:00.000-06:00

wow food. so much yumminess in my kitchen lately.

1. braised whole chicken with rosemary, pears, and vermouth. holy cow it was so juicy and tender and delicious. from all about braising, a cookbook i bought for myself over the holidays. i tried to follow the recipe verbatim, which i rarely do, and it was well worth it.

2. bucatini with chicken, artichoke hearts and caramelized onions. using up some of the shredded rosemary pear chicken, and the yummy pear/vermouth sauce that came with it. i added a tiny bit of tomato sauce to thicken, and it was simply divine.

3. turkey meatloaf. sounds boring, but dinner last night was one of the best things i've made in a very very long time. the recipe:

- 1/2 onion, diced
- 1/2 large red bell pepper, diced (or 1 small)
- 2 cloves garlic, chopped
- 4 cups ground turkey (or chicken)
- 1/2 cup ricotta cheese (i used low fat)
- 1 egg, beaten
- 1/4 cup bread crumbs
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 1 tbsp truffle oil
- 1 sprig rosemary, chopped finely
- salt and pepper to taste

preheat oven to 375. saute onion, bell pepper and garlic in about 1 tbsp olive oil over medium to low heat until soft. meanwhile, mix together all other ingredients. add onion pepper mixture. form into a loaf and set atop some firm bread pieces to sop up the juices as they run off. (i used mini bagels that were stale and ready for the garbage anyway.) no ketchup, no chili sauce. just yum. oh my god so good. i served it with baked potatoes which i rubbed with a little olive oil, salt, pepper and a tiny bit of the truffle oil, and some simple steamed broccoli with lemon. perfect. and pretty! the red pepper in the soft pale meatloaf is so festive.

we just happen to have two different bottles of truffle oil we received as gifts from wonderful wonderful friends. i have been trying to come up with sneaky ways to use them without overpowering dishes, and this turned out heavenly. if you don't have truffle oil, don't fret. you could use any flavored oil (basil, garlic, chili) or run out to your nearby gourmet store, plop down the credit card and purchase the most deliciously indulgent condiment you'll ever buy. and it will be worth every penny.

2008-01-24T13:16:00.000-06:00

today i am:

1. happy about my new amy ruppel purchase!
2. wishing i had bought two.
3. so so cold i wish i wore long johns.
4. anticipating jamie oliver's guinness + steak + cheese pie i was going to make last night but instead will be making this weekend.
5. still reeling from my bra fitting at intimacy.
6. really full from too much bread and soup at lunch.
7. excited about an upcoming post about my work on the apartment therapy nursery blog!
8. needing a change, something different.
9. thinking i should maybe leave the credit card in the wallet for a while.
10. considering becoming a nanny.

2008-01-21T12:32:00.000-06:00

so, last night i had the privilege of eating dinner at custom house, participating in a unibroue beer and food pairing. on the menu: mussels, lamb, rabbit, duck, venison, sweetbreads, and 6 other delectable delicacies paired with 6 yummy inspiring unibroue beers. it was a fantastic sunday evening meal, though i think hubb and i both reached a meat threshold by the end of it.

today is supposedly the most depressing day of the year. and, surprisingly enough, i'm actually having a pretty good day so far. woke up late, but made it to work on time, feeling sort of cute in my outfit today, and already getting response to my new etsy items. also, although i rarely stop by starbucks on the way into work, i did today, treating myself to a caramel latte. after the first of our monday morning meetings, hubb walks in with a vanilla latte for me as well. so i'm double fisting the caffeine today, which is probably part of the cause for my uplifted mood, come to think of it.

i'm trying to waste time and distract myself from eating the second half of my sandwich for lunch today....after 12 courses last night, following a few months of overeating, i'm trying to make my stomach a little more normal sized by limiting portions. tough for a girl who loves food. i'm learning a few tricks, though, and hopefully i'll learn enough self restraint to change my habits. wish me luck.

perhaps i just need more coffee.

2008-01-21T08:00:00.000-06:00

hi there! i've just finished some new audubon collage paintings. check them out on my arts and crafts blog and my etsy shop.

enjoy!

2008-01-15T13:12:00.001-06:00

i’ve been on a sort of blah icky moody lately…not quite sure why or how it came about, but it’s here and i can’t seem to kick it. i don’t want to be around people during the day. i don’t want to go to work, or to meetings or even volunteer…i want to be at home. always. under a blanket, sipping tea (or a sidecar). i want to paint and cut and paste and learn to knit and cook complicated extended prep dinners every night. no more of this 9-5 business (or 8-6). i want to pet my cats and take naps and long walks at 11 am and use my camera a lot. and go to the grocery store when nobody else is there. and explore this city that i love so much. i want to be alone. i’ve been thinking of ways to make this happen and have come up with three options:

quit my job, never buy anymore clothes, shoes, fancy toiletries, or interesting imported wine, beer, or spices ever again.
move to rural michigan. become a dog walker.
hope hubb someday gets paid twice as much as he does now, stay home and raise a baby.

seeing as these aren’t really options right now, it looks like i’m stuck with my current routine for a while longer. i’ll likely get out of this rut once winter starts to fade (which by the look of the weather forecast today isn’t going to happen anytime real soon). until then i’m trying to find ways to intermittently cheer myself up that don’t include drinking or eating too much. it’s hard. really really hard.

one of my cheer ups includes shopping, which really should be put on hold. i have also been going through a reorganizing kick, redoing my petite walk in closet, which has succeeded in cheering me up immensely. i got rid of three huge bags of incorrectly sized bras, out of style shoes, and ill fitting and a little too worn clothing, and in the process discovered some old favorites that have made their way back into my rotation. like the vintage inspired grey boat neck angora sweater i’m wearing today. (i would never buy angora now, but having purchased this sweater nearly 5 years ago makes it ok to continue to wear).

i've also been taking a break from cooking recently, being much much busier than i expected i would be this month. but i think i get to cook dinner either friday or sunday, which will mean comfort food galore. i’m antsy to roast a chicken and make some gravy and mashed potatoes. or braise something. or make some pasta. and marinara sauce from scratch. oh i wish i could just stay home the rest of the week and cook.

2008-01-09T16:11:00.000-06:00

2008. it's off to a good start, i think. and already broken resolutions (i ate a huge cheeseburger for lunch today, had a beer last night, and have been totally slacking on my artwork.) but there is a lot to look forward to this year, which i'm noticing as i'm consolidating calendars and spreadsheets for the new year.

2008 is the year of travel. we're going somewhere almost every month starting in march. virginia for my step-mother's 60th birthday, virginia again for my little brother's college graduation (i can't believe he's about to be a grown up in the real world and all that. he's still 12 to me sometimes), boston to visit a very very good friend, new york city to visit my brother-in-law, montreal (maybe) for a little weekend getaway to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary, turkey (yay!) for a long overdue weeklong vacation and to see my best friend get married...again, and finally los angeles (maybe) for my uncle's 50th birthday + a family reunion. in between maybe we'll fit in a cabin weekend in michigan or a night in milwaukee, too. maybe. we'll see how our already depleted travel budget treats us.

2008 is the year of friends. more babies (only 3 due in 2008...so far), more weddings, and a couple we met on our honeymoon 5 years ago are moving up from texas this spring. and definitely more babysitting and being amazed at how fast the 2007 babies are growing. i am already in awe at the fact that i knew these women...some of them before they met/married their mates, and then they were pregnant, and now there's a little person with their lips and their husbands' eyes, and they've grown strong enough to sit up on their own and smile at you and use their hands, and soon they'll be talking and walking, and actually recognizing me when i hold them. i don't want them to grow up.

2008 is the year to get organized. i'm a pretty anal person, i love organizing the kitchen cabinets, balancing the checkbook, tidying the counters, but there are parts of me and my home that are disheveled and need attention. we need to purge closets and filing cabinets, and i'm starting this week with my small walk in closet in our bedroom. new shelves, drawers and hooks and i should have a closet that a) you can actually walk in to, and b) can actually find clothing/shoes in without looking under piles of crap on the floor. february will be office month, tackling the closets in there as well as our filing cabinet. purge purge purge!

2008 is the year for a lot more, but i'll just let it happen as it happens. now it's time to stop thinking about the future and start doing it and living it.

2008-01-07T15:31:00.000-06:00

so i'm jumping back into cooking head on, trying new things, experimenting. i tried my hand at candy making for the holidays, which turned out pretty well, i think. maple almond brittle graced the holiday tables of a few of our friends and much of our family, and i am pleased to say that i will definitely pick up the recipe again and again. it may become my holiday staple.

i'm also venturing deeper and deeper into the realm of baking, making this pecan fig bourbon cake from this month's Gourmet magazine for a dinner party over the weekend. holy cow. i halved the recipe and edited the icing to just a simple powdered sugar/bourbon icing (no cream), but otherwise i followed the recipe to the letter, and it turned out wonderfully! it didn't collapse, it didn't turn into a brick, it didn't taste like raw flour...it tasted heavenly! definitely one for the repeat recipe file, i say.

tonight i'm venturing into the land of paella. i got a paella pan for christmas with a really great recipe book and tonight i'm testing a classic seafood paella on some unsuspecting friends. actually, they totally suspect since i ran the ok-to-eat-shellfish question by them before planning the meal. i'll try to remember to take photos if it's pretty, which i feel like it just might be.

2008 has so far been relatively healthy (minus the bourbon cake and two beef dinners in a row.) i'm not drinking on weekdays, which was a big change for me as i do enjoy a glass of wine with dinner nearly every evening. i have taken one long walk, practiced one pseudo yoga session, and am drinking more water and less carbonated beverages and caffeine. my weight hasn't come down in the past week, but it's been less fluctuating, holding at a steady number each morning, which is nice.

the next few weeks are full of business: closet reorganization, thank you notes, tidying, volunteering, cooking, haircuts, babysitting, baby showers, parties. and a little less booze and a lot more health. and paella.

2008-01-04T14:27:00.000-06:00

to do this weekend, in order of most probable:

make a few more paintings for my etsy site.
make caramelized onions for pizza party saturday night.
cook something time consuming, warm and comforting.
write thank you notes for christmas gifts.
take some photos.
take a long walk. (possibly in conjunction with #5)
read.
finalize new website.
with hubb, write up travel budget for 2008.
clean out closet.

as i traditionally tend to do, i purchased myself a few things this holiday season while shopping for friends and family (for the gifts i didn't make, that is.) i thought i'd share a few of the highlights:

warioware touched, a new game for our nintendo ds. (just came today and can't wait to play it.)
all about braising: the art of uncomplicated cooking. (not here yet, but can't wait to start making the recipes.)
a custom girls best friend wallet from jennalou. this girl is amazing. and the wallet is wonderful and beautiful and perfect. i got a smaller one for my mom, and plan to have another one made for my mother in law's birthday.
a simply vera wang dress from kohls. i was thrilled that they actually had size small in virginia stores, but after getting home i'm not exactly sure how i feel about it. the flowy wide cut garments seem to look better on tall thin ladies, not short and stout framed me.

2007-12-30T00:00:00.000-06:00

whirlwind christmas 2007 memories, in no particular order.

1. lots of books, a tv, identical sets of s+p shakers, bird art, booze, 200 year old fruitcake, x-acto knives in my stocking, britney spears perfume (really), electric socks, paella. generosity.
2. amarula.
3. apples to apples with both sets of families + scrabble + christmas story monopoly (cheaters).
4. babies. cousins, nieces, friends. and yet another pregnancy for one very recent new mother. more on this later.
5. natural bridge, va.
6. the cellar.
7. a possible near brake-in, adt security being on the ball, and friends who we owe dearly for being there in our absence.
8. ham. ham. pork loin.
9. allergies.
10. mid-50s, rain, forgetting dreary chicago winter.

2007-12-19T16:18:00.001-06:00

well it's about that time again when i reflect on everything i've learned, loved, feared and experienced throughout the past year.

last year's resolutions:
1. Lose 10-15 pounds. (use my gym membership, eat less cheese, drink less wine) RESULT: did not do it. i actually gained 5 more pounds. and ate way more wine and cheese than i should have, i think. oh, and i quit the gym, too. but i'm happy with who i am and the size of my pants. for the most part anyway.
2. Be responsible and more knowledgeable about the large purchase we made in 2006, especially the tax implications. (read our condo docs, talk to our lawyer) RESULT: well, i didn't read our condo docs, i didn't talk to our lawyer, but i became the secretary of our condo association and i have recently spent the last two months dealing with a mixup between our mortgage company and cook county, having been wrongly assigned property taxes for the entire building versus our individual condo.
3. Sell something I make. (etsy) RESULT: YES! i did it! i made my bird collage/paintings, sold about 50 of them, and have big plans for 2008. yay!
4. Travel somewhere new. (Montreal, anyone?) RESULT: nope. nada. oh wait, that's not true...i did visit holland, michigan. that was new.
5. Let things go. (keep reminding myself that I cannot possibly control everything, all the time.) RESULT: not so much. i keep kicking myself for not doing more, not being more busy, not making more, cooking more, doing more. i can stand to work on this one.

And a bonus: Watch my friends have babies and stop feeling guilty that I'm not ready. RESULT: yes and no. watching them has made me more ready, but not quite there yet. and i don't feel so much guilty as left out...i want to be able to share in the experiences that my friends are having rather than watching on the sidelines. but there's time. no worries.

2007 was a pretty good year for me. i started making things, selling them, feeling good and confident about them, and my abilities. i watched 12 babies be born (well not actually literally watched, but you know what i mean...). welcome to the world ava, abel, addison, blake, bella, ceridwen, gabriella, jack, sophia, sophie, stella, and tierney. (and tbd due in february. and ANOTHER friend recently pregnant as well!) (notice the two lone boys abel and jack in there. why is everyone having girls?!) i got a wonderful new camera. i stopped the 365 project. i learned how to make candy. i moved my company's office. i drank a lot of wine and learned to love classic cocktails even more (my hubb makes a pretty killer sidecar, tom collins, and manhattan.) i got a new tattoo. i discovered new names for my future children. i committed to a new volunteer program to start in 2008. i watched my best friend get married to a wonderful man. i watched two other sets of friends get married. i stopped wearing high heels, then started wearing them again. i rediscovered dark nail polish. i hosted thanksgiving for my in-laws for the first time, and survived. i had an excellent year, really.

i also had a somewhat hard year. emotional and life changing at times, stressful and depressing at others. the virginia tech tragedy sitting high on my list. right behind my brother's reaction to it and his situation with the u.s. army. but this year the happy times greatly outweighed the sad ones, and 2007 is ending on an amazingly high note. i'm looking forward to what 2008 might bring, and 2009 even more (i'll be 30!). life is only getting better.

so, resolution time. although i'm getting a little down on myself for not living up to the majority of them each year. but here they go anyway:

1. be a little bit healthier. not lose weight per se, but eat a little better, get a little exercise. i've let things slip the past few years and as i get older i need to take care of my body a little bit better.
2. take more photos. i think i'll start 365 again, and maybe a few other flickr groups because i am a nerd and need that kind of motivation. i think i also need to experience more enlightening things, put myself in situations that elicit me taking out my camera.
3. write down my recipes, menus, ideas. i tend to wing it when i cook then i forget what i served at my dinner parties.
4. travel. dammit, i need to get this one out of the way before we grow our family. luckily my best friend is having a wedding ceremony in turkey next fall, and i'm totally there.
5. grow my name, make more paintings, sell more, put myself out there. redo my website, apply for more craft/art fairs. see where this thing can go. wish me luck.

and happy holidays dear readers. i really appreciate the 3 of you. 2008 will bring a new website, a new look, some new content. fresh, clean, fun. just you wait and see.

xoxo - emily

2007-12-05T17:34:00.000-06:00

and on to winter. it snowed last night and when i got home from the bar i was sharing a birthday drink with a friend at, (her birthday, not mine), there were tiny little paw prints in the snow leading up the stairs from the door to my house. my first thought was, “oh how cute. a little fluffy bunny rabbit was hanging out on our stoop!” then i saw the little trail in between the prints and realized it was a rat. a very very large rat based on the distance between his feet. i will never open my front door without banging on it to scare off potentially rabid vermin first.

so i have been crafting like crazy lately, as i am making about 75% of our christmas gifts this year, am participating in two christmas ornament swaps, and have sold a few custom paintings since the diy trunkshow. i have a lot of felting, painting, cutting, beading and cooking to do in the next couple of weeks, in addition to having a very busy month at work. forgive me if i finish all the wine in the house between now and new years.

as my impatient self, i’ve jumped the gun and already started using my cute angela adams organizer intended for 2008. it’s fill in the blank, so i was easily able to start using it early, but i’ve now lost that new feeling, and have no datebook anticipation left for the new year. a new datebook is one of the things i most look forward to each year; it’s starting from scratch, a new beginning, a blank slate. and now it’s started.

i was at a convenience store the other day and was romanced by the holiday candy display into purchasing a box of nearly 100 tiny candy canes. i was craving a peppermint treat, and only after getting back to the office did i realize that it was a mistake. i cannot stop eating them, despite their being cheap and kind of chewy and a little too artificially minty.

i'm thoroughly exhausted today, as i came to work at 7am monday and tuesday, and then today, when i was going to sleep in until 6:30, a snowblower outside my bedroom window woke me up at 4am. i have been a bit punchy and lacking concentration these last few days, and i swear if i don't get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep soon i'm going to throw a temper tantrum.

...which would maybe scare the rats away at least.

2007-11-19T11:17:00.000-06:00

thanks to everyone who stopped by to see me and hillary at the diy trunkshow saturday! i am still on cloud nine over the response i got from my pieces, and am very pleased with my sales (sold about 33 pieces, plus one more today via e-mail!). this was definitely a great starting point for my new venture, so keep your eyes out for more activity in the future. i'm already considering other venues, consignments, fairs, and website updates in the near future. yay for using my art degree!

and check out my new website emilykberman.com. there's still a lot of work to do on it, but it's a good starting point.

also take a look at the pieces i had for sale at the trunkshow on flickr here. i'll be updating over the next week or so to reflect what's sold and what is still available, and i'll also be putting up the leftovers plus some new pieces over the next few weeks on my etsy shop.

thanks again, friends, for the support and excitement over selling my art. i couldn't have done it all without you!

2007-11-13T14:14:00.000-06:00

ten things

1. my brother. to make the long story short: he signed up for the national guard under a "college first" program, experienced the terrible event at virginia tech last spring, went to boot camp all summer, decided his beliefs did not agree with the military's and applied for a discharge on the grounds of conscientious objection. then on halloween he received a phone call that he was to be deployed to iraq in two weeks. after phone calls and meetings and stress and worry, the army finally agreed to honor the terms of his contract and postpone deployment until after he graduates. in the meantime hopefully his c.o. application will go through. it's been a tough few weeks.

2. ink. during this time of concern and fear and overwhelming love for my brother, i got a tattoo for him, and he got one for me, though not the same. we're close. and i had forgotten that tattoos don't hurt as bad as i think they do, and they are really gross while they heal. i'm almost there, but i'm afraid i'll have to get the stem touched up because i probably didn't take the best care of it in the initial stages of healing.

3. collecting. i purchased a vintage eva zeisel pitcher off ebay in september, and after forgetting to update my shipping address (our office moved), decided it was lost forever within the USPS. it finally came today, 6 weeks after the first delivery attempt to the wrong address. i'm smiling.

4. thanksgiving. 8 days to go before i serve dinner to 10 in my tiny condo. hubb's parents, grandparents, brother, our friends with their new baby, and the new mom's father. a 25 pound (give or take) turkey will be joining our house for a few days, and i'm feverishly putting together the agenda and menu for 6 days worth of visitors. new recipes will be tried, old stand bys will sneak in, a mother-in-law will share my kitchen, and a gigantic turkey will be brined. wish me luck.

5. cooking. i love my new large le creuset dutch oven. it is my hero.

6. babies. i had to sneak them in here. i've had a lot of baby time in the past few weeks, and it makes me melt. three little girls are all within 5 minutes to an hour of my open arms. i'm already dreaming of craft camp at auntie em's.

7. sleep. since august or so there has been a squeaky chirpy noise in the wall behind my bed. it kept me awake for weeks, made me scream in agony and cry in frustration at my inability to silence it as it went back and forth between an occasional disruption to a constant annoyance. now it's finally fixed and the noise is gone, blissfully and happily quiet. and i can sleep. which is wonderful damn you, hot water recirculator pump. damn you straight to hell.

8. autumn. it's getting colder, then it's getting warmer, and i can't figure it out. i think it was 65 or something yesterday, while i'm ready to bundle and wrap, waiting for -10. at least give me a few solid weeks of 45-50 to get the fall out of my system before it is sleeting and icy. please?

9. photos. i've been back on a bit of a photo kick, going through old flickr pages, remembering when i was taking a self portrait a day for 365 days. i might start it again. maybe.

10. crafts. the diy trunkshow is this saturday and you should come see me in booth 24. i have shiny new business cards, pretty little buttons, and some pretty little bird collage paintings. hillary of sans couture will be sharing the booth with me, and will have some beautiful handmade jewelry for sale. come see us!

2007-10-30T10:13:00.000-05:00

so i turned 28 today. and for the first time in my life, a birthday has actually made me feel older. 27 seems young and youthful and innocent, 28 is two years from 30. safe, mature, adult. not that i'm concerned or worried or saddened by this....it is actually really nice. i'm looking forward to an older more mature me, and today is the first day i really feel it. in a very good way.

i'm a material girl, i won't lie, so i love being showered with gifts on my birthday. so far i've received nummy truffles from a good friend of mine in maryland, yummy bath products from another good friend in virginia, some birthday cash from family (they know me well), an eames shell chair (two, actually, but that's a long story*) from my wonderful wonderful husband, and a 6.75 quart cherry red le creuset dutch oven on the way to me thanks to a generous gift certificate from my in-laws (who also know me well). life is pretty good.

and today: some twin baby time with my friend and her 2-1/2 week old little girls. tonight: hubb is taking me to the violet hour, of which i have only heard exceptional reviews. this weekend: jerry's sandwiches and some drinks and dancing with my friends. a girl couldn't ask for more, really.

so i'm having the best birthday ever so far, and i feel good things are to come in my 28th year of life. and i'm that much closer to 30, which, incidentally, will be my golden birthday. i plan to go all out in 2009, so get ready people. start stocking up on gold lame leggings and giant gold chains. i feel a costume party coming on, two years in the making. save the date and hire your babysitters now, friends.

thanks to everyone who has already (at 10:30 am) made this birthday very very special.

2007-10-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

happy birthday, babies! a good friend of mine just welcomed her twin baby girls into the world on saturday. hubb and i visited them in the hospital on sunday, and after nearly 4 hours of baby holding, i'm in love. they are so precious and beautiful and amazing miracles. i can't wait for our first babysitting adventure!

welcome to the world, sweet girls!

2007-10-12T07:59:00.000-05:00

i woke up this morning and the first thing i thought was, “it’s friday, right?” then i tossed the covers aside and thought, "it's autumn!" which made me that much more excited today. this is the beginning of a time of year that gets about 90% love from me, but with that lingering 10%...animosity, dread, resentment: for having to get out of a warm snuggly bed, get naked in the cold cold bathroom, and get into a warm snuggly shower, just to get out again and get goosebumps and shivers. i don't really fully warm up again until i'm sitting at my desk at work with a hot cup of tea. but i'm willing to put that aside for my beloved season.

i keep hearing people complaining about the briskness that has fallen over our city, and the impending frosts and chills that strike fear into the hearts of many, but i'm not scared. autumn is my favorite season, though short in chicago. i love the sunny crisp days, walking a little bit faster to warm the blood up, drinking more coffee and tea than usual. it is pumpkins and cinnamon, spicy red wines and roasted chickens, apples and soups and hot cider and everything braised. it is scarves and light jackets, when it's still not too cold to wear flats without socks, browns and oranges everywhere. i love the foods and the fashions and the colors and the smells of autumn and i, for one, an thrilled that it's finally here, and look forward to the frost it always brings. summer was one month too long for me this year.

i hate chicago summers. the throngs of people, the heat, the stinky sweatiness that you can't get away from. too many festivals and fairs and events with too many people packed into too spaces too small. but in autumn, people are calming down, getting ready for wintertime, before the contagious holiday spirit overtakes the people, the streets, and the stores, before the first big snow. i honestly think people are generally happier when we're transitioning between our two big seasons here. and i love chicago more in the fall, as we're quickly moving towards our windy snowy winter months. there's a quiet soft buzz about, the calm before the storm of winter in chicago. everything is more beautiful right now.

it's autumn!

2007-10-02T11:38:00.000-05:00

random links:

- everything here is beautiful. especially this wallpaper.
- i heart the new design sponge site. re-bookmark it now.
- i'm slightly obsessed with piggy banks lately, and i really would love this jonathan adler one.
- small things have always been one of my favorite jewelry designers, and the new bits and pieces line is so wonderful. this ring (diamond, please) wants to be on my finger.
- i'm super into glammy gold jewelry lately, and this adorable little piece is one of my new lusts. oh etsy, why do you tempt me?
- everything at courtney skott is fantastic.
- my wonderful husband brought me back "vegetable ivory" earrings from his trip to london made by this woman. he done good. i'd also love to own a white ring. (hint hint)

i'm tired.

2007-09-27T15:20:00.000-05:00

i've been inspired recently, by photos, stories, people, places, food, experiences....inspired to do something. i've been in a bit of a rut for a while, wishing for something bigger, something important, something new. it hasn't exactly come yet, but i'm less antsy recently, i think. i'm also catching up on blog and shopping backlog, which is giving me lots of new fashion, decorating and crafting ideas. something will come of it soon, i hope.

i think part of my restlessness is the result of the lack of a real vacation for a while. i've traveled, but none of it would i really call a vacation. if only i had a few more days free this year to take a swift little jaunt over to montreal or paris or mexico city. somewhere i can be anonymous and inspired. i'm tired of america. or probably just jealous and bitter that i couldn't accompany my husband on his recent week-long escape to london.

as two of my very good friends are nearing the end of their pregnancies, i'm finding myself obsessed with baby names and piggy banks. i've recently come up with not one but two baby boy names that i simply adore (after years of discussions and eliminations with the hubb), and i'm hoping they don't get used by anyone close to me before we get around to having children. i'm really into names that begin with vowels. so if you know me, and you're pregnant, and planning on using a boy's name that maybe begins with a vowel, please let me know so i can either exhale a big sigh of relief or grieve now and not after your precious baby boy arrives. because really, naming your child is first come, first served, in my opinion.

speaking of children, our first "child" (our cat, Eva) has been driving us crazy recently by going to whichever end of the house we are NOT in and crying. not just meowing but deep emotional painful to listen to crying. she does this when we're eating dinner, when we're watching tv, and every few nights at 3am when we're trying to sleep. i've found some advice online that tells me to ignore her, that even negative attention is the attention she is trying to get, but it's so hard when she goes on for 20 minutes at 3am. i've been trying to remember to shower her with affection every chance i get, but she reminds me that i neglect her every time i'm out too late or have a dinner party by waking me up with her cries in the middle of the night. i love her to death, but i'm nearing a breaking point here.

hey, today is our one year anniversary of homeownership! yay! we've been responsible homeowners for one full year. despite some flooding, mysterious noises in the walls, a sewage ejector issue and incomplete common areas, it's been great. and i think i might celebrate by painting or wallpapering something...

have a good weekend, friends.

2007-09-05T13:18:00.000-05:00

wow. really? it's been over a month since i updated? wow. time flies, i guess.

i have been busy.
i visited my family, moved our office, went to two weddings and two baby showers, endured 4 weeks of physical therapy for a mystery knee injury, attended the most blogged about engagement in history, and my house tour appeared on apartment therapy, among other things. oh, and i got accepted into the diy trunk show! yay! i'll be selling my bird collages with my friend hillary of sans couture in a little over 10 weeks. eep!

things.
i just recently finished reading you shall know our velocity and i'm pretty sure it changed my life. though a bit of a vulgar and not exactly challenging read, it is a beautiful story, both heartbreaking and inspiring and i am now thinking about the world and my place in it much differently.

i have remained deeply in love with etsy, especially the idea of selling my own wares there. more to come on that front. soon, i hope.

i've been cooking more recently, and hope to finally start writing some recipes. i've been stuffing whole fish and being creative with veggies and desserts.

i need to take more photos. i've been lagging not only here, but in almost every creative output i had previously taken part in. i need more motivation.

2007-07-24T12:05:00.001-05:00

i'm mildly obsessed with three things as of late:

1. feist. i can't stop singing to myself and smiling.

2. chewing on the inside of my cheek. it's a habit i've had since i was a child, and it's flared up drastically lately. i don't know if it's nerves, boredom, anxiety, or what.

3. pimento cheese. i made some for tea sandwiches for a baby shower (yes, tea sandwiches), and i've single handedly eaten nearly all of the leftovers. last night i had a melted pimento cheese sandwich with giardiniera. oh my god. this is why i can't lose weight.

my best friend has let her bridesmaids (me, her sister, and her sister-in-law who is also named emily) (go team emily!) pick our own bridesmaid dresses. after changing her color scheme from lilac and sage to bellflower blue and black, we picked THE DRESS. i'm actually going to look really good standing up in this wedding, which is a first. my best friend is amazing. she is being so laid back and wonderful about this wedding planning business, which is good because i'm stressing out about what to do for her bachelorette party.

we've been talking about getting tattoos for each other for some time, and i think i might surprise her with mine when i go down for the wedding. i'd wanted us to go together, but we dont' get to see her often and i can't ask her to get a tattoo two days before her wedding. i wanted a four leaf clover on the inside of my left wrist. i'm hedging a bit on the location, but i'm anxious to get it done. it's been a long time since my last tattoo and i'm antsy for more.

2007-07-11T08:57:00.000-05:00

it's funny, the one tuesday night i actually remember to check tinyshowcase, this amazing print (probably my favorite tiny showcase ever) is introduced and i get to buy it before it sells out. i can't wait to get it framed and hung in what is turning out to be our small print gallery hallway. (next to this, this, and a lovely christopher silas neal print that doesn't seem to be on his site anymore.)

so one of my girlfriends had her baby a little early, and welcomed Ava Virginia into the world last saturday (07.07.07)! she is beautiful and makes me want to run out and get pregnant right away so i can have a little chubby cheeked baby of my very own. except maybe in a few years....i'm getting tons of experience and first hand accounts from all of the new moms and mom-to-bes in my little circle of friends, including another one who just gave me the news that she's expecting, too! so many pregnancies! i'm past the shock and denial, and am instead now basking in the warmth of motherhood surrounding me. i get to meet little Ava in less than two weeks when hubb and i travel home for my grandmother's 80th birthday, and i absolutely can't wait. hee! babies!

i've been getting sciatica in my left hip off and on for two years or so, and now my right knee is aching for no apparent reason. i feel like an old woman, hobbling on and off the bus every day, getting annoyed because nobody offers me a seat. i daydream about getting a vespa and tootling around town effortlessly.

i'm loving the warm weather right now, even the really HOT weather....which is so unlike me. i've been scooping up new summer dresses left and right, and have finally hit a groove with my wardrobe, i think. i've also found the most amazing line of strapless bras EVER, which is like the holy grail of undergarments if you're a, um, curvy woman such as myself. i literally teared up when i tried the first one on, and wore strapless clothing for a week straight just because i could.

last month i hit my two year anniversary at work, which is a milestone for me as i've never had a job last more than two years. i'm a little nervous, as things are moving rapidly behind the scenes as we prepare for an office move in late august. i've never been part of moving a 30 person company, i'm a little anxious about the whole thing, and am wondering what the implications for our office dynamic will be in a new space. it will be an interesting fall, relearning basic processes and routines.

i have a night off tonight, and hope to tackle some artwork and maybe start on a teddy bear for little Ava. i have a slew of canvases and prints ready to collage with, and it's time i got down to business making my own pieces of art for my home.

2007-06-29T13:19:00.000-05:00

i've been cooking a lot more recently, thanks to my angelic organics share, discovery of a few new ethnic recipes and a little bit more time at home. in four days hubb and i ate homemade asian, indian, mexican and almost some italian. (we got busy that last night) i wish we'd followed through. oh well.

i started working on some projects at home, paintings, sewings, recipe following...i'm long overdue for a post about food. hubb and i are going to try to eat in more and out less this summer to save some moolah...which is a bummer when i just want to sit outside and sip a cocktail. i miss my roofdeck. i have a pain in my heart.

speaking of pains in my heart, i wish i could go back in time and NOT watch "deer hunter" on sunday night, the same day i missed my little brother's phone call from bootcamp. it tore me up and wore me out and traumatized me for sure. i'm now on a strict stupid comedy regimen on netflix for a few weeks, with just a little bit of six feet under for good measure. speaking of comedy, if you haven't seen "knocked up" yet? i didn't expect to, but i totally loved it. it could have used a few less ball jokes, but gynechiatrist is my new favorite word. that would be great, actually. a sex health and therapy provider all in one? to deliver your babies AND monitor your mental health? sounds perfect to me.

i'm debating whether to go to critical mass or go home and take a nap today. it's been one of those weeks where i can't get up in the mornings...eh.

or i could go home and start that italian dinner we never had last weekend....

2007-06-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

i wish i had more guts. more taste for adventure. bigger balls. and the time to use them. i also wish i could always remember the difference between affect and effect. and i wish my favorite pants didn't stretch out after wearing them for a day. and that i could use self control and not buy cheap sundresses at my neighborhood cheap clothing store that i only wear once, if at all. i also wish that i had more time for projects. specifically these:

1. fashioning a craft cart cover out of a piece of wood for the top and nifty woodgrain fabric for the sides.
2. taking more photos.
3. making more audubon bird collage paintings. (like the green one in my guest bathroom if you've ever seen it.)
4. making jewelry again.
5. sewing some more teddy bears for all of my pregnant friends.

i wish my feet hadn't given up on high heel shoes. i wish i didn't feel the need to wear high heel shoes to be taller. i wish the weather would even out so i could ride my bike to work without the fear of being either caught in the rain or arriving to work sweaty and sporting helmet-hair. i wish my hair always looked good, even after riding my bike wearing a helmet. i wish i wrote here more. i wish i didn't have so many things to wish about.

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news: two of the 8 pregnant women i know have given birth. congrats, ladies! one is due this month, two are due next month, one in august, one in september (which is really two because it's twins) and one in november. phew. that's a lot of pushing.

my very best friend in the entire world is getting married again later this summer. i am all kinds of warm and fuzzy about it. and i may get the opportunity to visit turkey next summer for the formal turkish ceremony. how incredible is that?

i wish it were summer '08 already.

2007-05-24T15:18:00.000-05:00

ok. so. i'm having trouble getting back on track, obviously. but, i'm doing well. ignoring a lot of things, but doing well.

i have been doing a few things:

i got a new bicycle, a blue schwinn sprint. i also got bubblegum pink handlebar tape. i love my new bicycle, and i'm going to join critical mass for the first time ever tomorrow. i can't wait.

i also got a wonderful new messenger bag. and "skinny" jeans. i will be stylin fo sho.

i sent my brother off to boot camp and cried and cried and talked to his girlfriend for 5 hours while i drove his pickup truck up to my dad's house. i love her.

i caressed my girlfriend's pregnant belly for two days straight and decided that yes, i do in fact want to have kids someday. just not now. and that's ok.

i discovered that my bff is getting married, again. i am so thrilled and i can't wait to meet her fiance and go to the wedding later this summer/next fall. she called me to ask me what dates i couldn't make it before she sets a date. so sweet. i am a little shocked, and a little worried, but incredibly thrilled. she rushes into things sometimes, but she deserves to be happy more than anyone i know.

2007-05-07T10:13:00.000-05:00

i've been absent recently. from here, flickr, my craft cart, my friends....i've been keeping busy, distracting myself, spending time with people....but i'm letting a lot of things go. i've been sunk to a low point and it's time to get up and back on track.

this weekend will be a good start. i'm off to virginia to attend a friend's baby shower, then down to blacksburg to see my brother off to boot camp. family time, friend time, virginia time. mountains. the drillfield at vt. my mom.

lindsay is having a baby. her life is going to change forever. i am still in shock about it all, but at the same time not at all surprised that she's first. she'll be having a little baby girl in july and i am absolutely thrilled. seeing lin will actually be a bit of closure for me, the start of a different life for my friend, a change in the dynamic of our friendship. she'll be a mother and i won't. but that's totally ok. it's more than ok, actually. it's wonderful.

then there is my brother. he is going to boot camp for 3 months. his life won't ever be the same either. i am so intensely proud of him for so many reasons, the most recent of which has been his maturity in handling the recent events at his school. he took a road trip with his girlfriend and another couple last week which landed them at our house for a night. i think it may have been the most fun i've ever had with my brother. i am looking forward, if not with a little tinge of worried anticipation, to seeing him in the fall after his intense training.

in addition to attending these two life changing events, i get to actually spend mother's day with my mother, which will be so fantastic. we'll spend the night together at a bed and breakfast in blacksburg and visit the virginia tech campus. and then drive back up to northern virginia to see my grandma before i come back to chicago. i'm so so ready for a little family time.

hopefully this break from work, from chicago, from our busy life, will help to get me back on track. i'm ready to come back up from this low i've been at for a few weeks. i know that i show it, though i've been trying really hard not to. in some areas at least. the healing has begun, and that's all that matters.

i think i have forgotten how to write. or else i need another cup of coffee.

2007-04-26T11:51:00.000-05:00

- so i sort of accidentally gave up on my 365 days project...i haven't taken a photo at all this week. i made it to day 101, only missing 4 photos in the process. that's roughly 96%, so i still get an A for effort, yeah? maybe i'll pick back up...

- i bought a pilates dvd with a little weighted ball, immediately bruised my spine, and so now it sits on my entertainment center while i sit on my sofa.

- i was doing really good with my diet and self control, then i ate like a pig to celebrate while on vacation for a weekend, then ate like a pig for comfort for a week despite a lack of appetite. now i'm having trouble getting back on track.

+ i got new shoes for spring. they're sandal-y and cute and comfy. now it's 50 degrees and rainy. this weekend is looking up, though.

+ i finally got a new bookcase for my living room, which was one of the final pieces of furniture we needed in order to prepare for our apartment therapy photo shoot. yes, we will be welcoming you into our home via the internet in about a month.

+ it is lunchtime. sloppy joes. mmm...

2007-04-18T16:47:00.000-05:00

i can't begin to understand the grief and sadness many students, faculty, parents and families are feeling right now. i only know my own pain, the pain of former virginia tech student, the anxiety of the sister of a current student, the anger of a born and raised virginian. luckily my loved ones are safe and unharmed, which i am incredibly thankful for.

it could have all been different: my little brother was sitting in a class on monday morning, a class that the shooter, seung-hui cho, was also enrolled in. what if the shooter had gone to HIS OWN classroom instead of the classrooms in another building? what if he had started his rampage in the english class he shared with my brother? i cry each time i think about it. it is absolutely unfathomable, i can't begin to imagine the pain and grief i would be feeling, that others are currently being forced to go through. the confusion and disbelief, the anger and intense debilitating sadness. every bit of my heart goes out to those families and friends. i wish i could help ease their pain, if only just a little bit.

i am in pain that tragic and senseless acts like this happen in the first place, and that they happened so close to my home and my heart. i am sad that my alma mater has been forever stained, that families are hurting in ways i can't begin to relate to. i am angry at gun laws that make no sense, at the ability of one deranged mind to commit horrific acts of violence.

but i am also proud. proud of my alma mater, proud of my brother's courage and ability to cope, proud of the support and spirit that has swept the country and even the world. proud that i am and always will be a hokie.