mr henry allen berman was born sunday, october 03, 2010 at 12:00 am on the dot, surprising us almost 4 full weeks before his expected due date. he weighed 6 lbs 2 oz and measured 19 inches in length, pretty good for technically being a preemie!

labor and delivery were fast and furious and everything i could have asked for, with a healthy baby and everyone recovering quickly. henry is now one week old, and craig and i are amazed at how amazing our life is with our little boy. i couldn't be more happy right now with my little family.

henry's uncle brett set up a website for us to keep our out of town family updated on his cuteness - henryberman.com. we'll be posting photos and videos there, mostly for the grandparents, but feel free to check in to see what he's been up to.

autumn has always been my favorite season, hands down. perhaps it's my tendency towards layering my clothes, my love for squashes of all sizes and colors, warm comforting braised dishes, and my late october birthday. perhaps it's the transition from wild hot summer fun to chilly holiday hibernation. either way, this autumn is sure to be the most memorable with the upcoming birth of my son.

my favorite things about autumn:
- scarves, cardigans and boots
- apple cider and maple syrup and butternut squash
- braised meats
- the changing leaves, however short the transition lasts
- caramel apples!
- brussel sprouts and bacon
- tights and light jackets and flannel
- the chill in the air that makes your nose cold but doesn't yet touch your core
- colors like brown and grey and mustard and rust
- pumpkins, pumpkin pies, pumpkin seeds, even the smell of smashed pumpkins on the streets
- candles and fires in the fireplace
- celebrating getting another year older, and from now on sharing that joy with my child

i'm so glad we are having a baby in the fall, before the snow and cold sets in, giving us two good reasons to settle in for the winter months.

i'm almost 35 weeks pregnant now, which means just about a month to go. i'm starting to get a touch nervous, not for the actual birth but for the changes our lives will suddenly as we turn into parents next month. one day we can be selfish and go to bed when we want and run out to dinner on a whim and the next day we have a little helpless baby who needs us to devote our entire selves, day in and day out, to him. with the overwhelming love i already feel for this little guy in my belly i'm more than happy to do it, i'm just nervous that even with our library of preparatory reading and talking to other parents we don't really totally know what we're in for.

i also had a realization recently about my wardrobe. i've been dreaming of getting my waist back (which i know will take some time) and fitting into my old clothes again (along with some new ones). in the meantime i've also been stocking up on nursing items and planning for breastfeeding, and i've realized that many of my old clothes aren't going to work so well for a stay at home breastfeeding mom. cute dresses and fitted tops are 100% impractical if i'm going to be trying to breastfeed anywhere i can't disrobe completely, not to mention that i'll be spending my days on the sofa and the floor with my little one (and my two cats - i have a serious thing against pet hair on my clothes...yuck!) so comfort and accessibility will be top priority over cuteness and fashion. how do i keep my style during this transition into motherhood?

i have finished all of my birthing books and am practicing stretching and relaxation techniques in preparation for the unmedicated birth that i'm planning for. we've taken the classes and i'm mentally and physically gearing up for the marathon experience. i'm actually really looking forward to it, and i've been able to let go of any fear i had of the pain and discomfort i will be going through. my only fear is in my ability to let go of control, to let the organic process take charge. i like to be in control - if you know me at all you are nodding your head right now - and though i'm controlling the parts that i can (my care provider, my labor support person, the knowledge i'm coming into this with), i know that things can go a different way than i have planned and i am not sure how to prepare for that. i guess accepting the fact that things can go differently is the first step.

i'm also preparing myself for the helplessness i will feel after birth, for letting friends and family in to take care of us and help us through the first few weeks. i'm a stubborn self sufficient person, so letting my mom cook for me and do laundry and help with the baby will be difficult for me. not to mention when my in laws and my other parents arrive - i'm a hostess and not being on my game is going to be a mental challenge for me. i know i'll have probably the only good excuse i'll ever have to not have a fully stocked fridge and a perfectly clean house, but it's still going to be tough to let go of who i am (hostess, entertainer) in order to concentrate on the more important person who i have become (mom).

i apologize that this has turned into my pregnancy therapy blog of sorts! it's easy to say a thing like pregnancy won't take over your life but the simple fact is that it does. becoming a parent is the biggest change most of us will ever go through in life, it's hard not to think about it day in and day out. there is so much planning that goes into these 40 weeks, new priorities, new experiences, new goals. this is the biggest part of who i am now.

i am an incredibly lucky woman. this has hit me more and more as i've grown older, and especially now, in my 7th month of pregnancy, as i reflect on the easy time i've had so far being with child. i've had a flexible work schedule with understanding employers, the freedom to rest and put my feet up when i really need it, a supportive husband who waits on me hand and foot and doesn't hesitate to give me a message at my slightest demand, and a body that so easily adapted to pregnancy i'm still in awe by it. other than the 6 or so weeks of constant nausea (that i have nearly forgotten the extent of by now), pregnancy for me has been a breeze. i'm incredibly happy with how i've been carrying this child, my body hasn't changed dramatically except for the basketball i'm carrying in front of me.

people keep asking me if i'm done being pregnant yet, if i'm exhausted by it and ready to have my body back. my answer: not yet. i'm still glowing and happy and comfortable with this baby in side of me. i love feeling him move, even at 4 am. i miss laying on my stomach, but it still makes me laugh when he kicks in protest as i inadvertently put pressure on my belly. i am looking forward to shopping for "normal" clothes again this winter - dresses with defined waists and shirts that don't have to be stretchy - but i'm loving my pregnancy wardrobe. (those full panel maternity leggings are the best invention ever!) i have been lax on the recommended food restrictions -i've really only totally avoided raw fish and shellfish and unpasteurized dairy (not that i come across it on a regular basis anyway) - but i do miss having a manhattan. i've had a half glass of wine or beer here and there, but bourbon, oh how i miss bourbon.

my motto for the past 7 months, and for the foreseeable future: keep it simple. don't overdo it. take it easy. i have to remind myself as i prepare for house guests, make plans with friends and family, plan for this baby and organize his nursery, and cook dinner. it's a good attitude to adopt in general, and i hope my logistics loving self can keep it after my son is born.

i love simple rustic food, sometimes with timely preparations, but using simple ingredients cooked in basic ways. roasting a chicken, braising a pork shoulder, simple grains and salads. these are the staples for the way that i cook. foods like these are comforting and casual, easy to share. and one of my favorite deceptively simple things to make is shortbread. 4 basic ingredients that everyone has in their kitchen, plus one or two extra if you want to be fancy. and who doesn't love a good shortbread cookie?

here's my basic recipe, with recommendations for just a few of the endless options for additions. i hope you enjoy it!

oh so simple shortbread

2 cups all purpose flour

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup cold butter, cut into cubes

dash of kosher salt

granulated sugar to top

optional flavor additions:

2 tbsp finely chopped fresh herb (basil, thyme, lemon balm, rosemary)

1 tbsp finely grated lemon or lime zest

a little more salt, plus flaky maldon sea salt to top (my favorite)

2 -3 tbsp cocoa powder

preheat oven to 400 degrees. throw everything into a food processor and process until dough comes together, just 2-3 minutes. from here you can do two things: press the dough into a parchment lined jelly roll pan, spread until smooth and chill for 30 minutes, or wrap the dough in plastic and chill for 30 minutes to roll out and use cookie cutters. if you decide to use the jelly roll pan, press it into the pan making sure it is about 1/4 inch thick. use a knife to score the top of the shortbread to make cutting or breaking apart easier after baking. if you decide to roll the dough out and use cookie cutters, make sure the dough is very cold, roll it out to 1/4 inch thick, using a bit of flour to prevent sticking, and a floured spatula to help lift the cookies from the work surface onto a parchment lined cookie sheet. sprinkle extra sugar on top of the shortbread and slide into the oven. turn the oven down to 350 and bake for 10-15 minutes, (a little longer for the jelly roll pan to allow the center to cook evenly), turning the pan halfway through, until ever so slightly brown. the cookies won't look done, but if check the bottom of the cookie and it is lightly brown, it's done. it is important not to overbake these. if you wait until the edges crisp and the top gets medium brown like a chocolate chip cookie, you'll have crispy crackly shortbread instead of the crumbly cakey shortbread we're after here. cool on a cooling rack and enjoy.

i like to serve mine with homemade ice cream or sorbet, but they're also great as sandwich cookies with a little buttercream or chocolate ganache.

...or more appropriately simply by themselves with a cup of coffee or tea.

enjoy!

my "6 hours to myself today to get a bunch of crap done" did not result in many items getting crossed off of my to do list. instead i 1) found a swanky 50's inspired resort for us to stay at in door county over labor day weekend, 2) showered, 3) located and purchased shelving for the nursery on the internet, and 4) had a successful dry run of my hairdo for my 60's prom themed costume for this weekend. i wish i had time for a nap, but my 6 hours are nearly up.

i did not manage to 1) put away the laundry, 2) return the phone call to my insurance company from last week, 3) can the pounds of tomatoes in that bowl on the counter, or 4) reorganize/clean out my kitchen cabinets. maybe tomorrow.

our plethora of birth/baby classes has begun with a cloth diapering class yesterday. we were 99.99% decided on using cloth, and now we're at 100% with a firm decision on the system we plan to use. it was super helpful to hear a mom of 3 talk about her experience, down to her daily diapering and laundry routine, making the whole process much less daunting. and the diapers themselves - there are so many options! regular old grandma's cloth diapers with covers, prefolds with covers (and then there are indian or chinese prefolds), pocket diapers, all-in-ones, combo cloth/disposable systems, etc etc. and they all do the same thing, keeping poop and pee off of you and your stuff. we're going with prefolds and covers for cost, ease of use, and minimizing laundry bulk. i'm actually really excited to be saving money and the landfill by using cloth, and to avoid putting synthetic materials and chemicals on my baby's genitals.

we had a lovely woodland themed baby shower on saturday, complete with leaves and acorns and little woodland creatures. it was loads of fun, and we feel so lucky and honored to have so many fabulous creative friends who love us. xoxo, you guys!

i'm having some wardrobe issues - i've always had this thing where i don't wear the articles of clothing in my closet that i really love very often for fear of wearing them out, and now that my body is changing every week, i'm missing the windows of opportunities to wear things. so this week i'm wearing everything i love, with no fear. pregnancy is too short to keep wearing the same t-shirts over and over.

the weeks have been slipping away as my stomach grows and my bookshelf overflows with dozens of books on pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, parenting and cooking. i'm trying to keep my life well rounded, but it's hard. we're excited and all i think about is this baby that kicks me nonstop. i'm not complaining, i love feeling him move around, and i'm going to miss it something fierce once he's born. though i'm sure i'll have lots of other things to love and think about missing as he passes from one stage to the next. i'm both happy and sad to be in my third trimester - so glad i've made it healthy and trouble free this far, so happy that we're closer to meeting our son, and so sad that pregnancy will be over in 12 weeks or so. i really love being pregnant.

the nursery has come together nicely, we just need to hang some artwork and buy a wall shelf. and finish filling out his wardrobe and make sure we have all those little things that one needs for a baby. like diapers. we're going to tackle using cloth diapers, we actually have a cloth diapering class on sunday. and a baby shower on saturday.

everything is babies right now.

except the cooking part. as soon as i'm finished working (just a few more weeks) i'm going to start canning and freezing food for after bb arrives. i have a list of ideas and recipes and foods that i know i'll want to have in the house but might not have the energy or time to prepare. and my christmas canning needs to happen early this year as well. i need to experiment with some new jams and spreads and sauces that might make good gifts. i'm looking forward to spending some time concentrating on something other than this tiny child growing inside of me. keep my mind off of labor and breastmilk and sleepless nights. and the excitement of meeting and caring for this little guy who i already love more than i thought i could love anything.

pregnancy hormones.

bb has been kicking and moving and flipping around for the past two weeks, feelings that are still new and novel to me and therefore still excite me each time i sense them. when i eat something sugary he is even more active, and it's funny to be able to feel that effect. we've been brainstorming more names, even though we have one that we adore, and now we have two full names that will be hard to choose between after he's born. but choices are good. i like to have options.

as my stomach has been pushing ever outward i've been forced to rework my wardrobe and rethink my summer fashion. a few pieces i thought i'd wear while pregnant are definitely not going to work, so i'm sticking with the few pairs of maternity jeans and shorts i've purchased paired with layering t-shirts, tank tops and cardigans, and a slew of stretchy jersey dresses. like this amazing dress i bought in navy on a whim from the gap last week. i think i'm going to wear it all summer. belts are definitely a pregnant woman's friend when it comes to looking flattering in a dress, it helps define the belly. i have a few tunic style dresses that i just haven't wanted to wear because they just make me look huge and round instead of just plain old me with a belly. i think tighter clothes that define my pregnant figure are definitely better for my small stature. i think i can handle the rest of the summer with my current wardrobe and minimal, if any more, maternity shopping, but if the weather chills too much before i deliver i'll be in trouble. i have zero jackets and long sleeve shirts that will fit me at 8-9 months pregnant.

angelic organics started last week with a bounty of greens and herbs, and after working the green city market yesterday for pasta puttana and coming home with even more bounty of fruits and tomatoes, we're definitely stocked with a healthy fridge. last night i made a swiss chard and shredded chicken gratin with garlic scapes and gruyere cheese. it was delightful.

swiss chard and shredded chicken gratin with garlic scapes and gruyere

1 tbsp butter

1/2 cup breadcrumbs

- melt butter in a small saucepan and add breadcrumbs. toss to coat and cook over medium heat for 2-3 minutes to lightly toast. set aside.

1 tbsp butter

1 tbsp flour

1 cup milk

dash freshly grated nutmeg

salt and pepper

- in another small pot, melt butter and add flour, stirring constantly for 2-3 minutes to form the roux. carefully add the milk and whisk every few seconds until thick. add nutmeg and s&p to taste. set aside.

1 tbsp butter (or chicken fat, if you have it)

3-4 garlic scapes

2 slices bacon (or some ham or pancetta, whatever you have)

1 cup shredded chicken (leftover roast chicken works great)

large bunch of kale

- saute garlic scapes and bacon in butter/fat until bacon has given up most of its fat. add kale and toss until wilted. drain any excess liquid from the pan. add chicken and stir until heated through.

1 cup shredded gruyere cheese

1/4 cup parmesan cheese

- add sauce to kale/chicken mixture, add half of the cheeses and stir. pour into a dish and top with remaining cheese and breadcrumb mixture. bake fro 20-30 minutes until top is lightly brown and sauce is bubbly. serve with a fresh tomato salad. enjoy!

i haven't been cooking much recently and it makes me sad. i've been working, socializing, ordering delivery (something we rarely if ever did before i became pregnant) and eating out way more than i probably should be. i've been preparing quick pasta and shrimp dishes, eating eggs for dinner and lots and lots of cereal. i've come back around to using cow milk instead of my old standby of rice or almond milk. whole cow milk. i would have never imagined i'd be drinking something that used to initiate my gag reflex so consistently. pregnancy does weird things to your taste buds.

we did visit our farmers market last week and i bought a bunch of green garlic for the first time, and a few stems of rhubarb that i've been contemplating what else to do with. the green garlic has been sauteed with heirloom tomatoes and tossed with pasta, scrambled with eggs, minced and folded into crabcakes and gently sauteed and mixed into a green garlic aioli. i still have 3 or 4 stems left, and i just might pickle them. i've had a hankering for pickled things, totally stereotypical for the pregnant lady. the rhubarb has been quick pickled and also simmered and mashed with apples, and i still have some left for a lovely balsamic braised dish i've been meaning to try. or maybe some rhubarb ice cream. or possibly a simple rhubarb syrup to mix with some club soda for a summer mocktail.

our angelic organic csa starts this saturday, and as we are taking the whole share for ourselves this year, i hope my inspiration to cook skyrockets as soon as i see the veggies. although we begin with lots and lots of salad fixins - which will probably be a good launch into summertime eating for us. i hope to can a good amount of our produce this summer to save for fall and winter months to allow us to spend more time with our baby boy than contemplating dinner ideas.

i'm feeling him kick a lot now, which is still more comforting and smile inducing than annoying because it is still so new. each time i feel him my hand flies to my stomach to try to catch movement from the outside. this morning i felt a nudge with my hand for the first time. my little guy is active in there. hopefully craig will be able to feel him soon.

we have a few names that we like, but we are waiting until he's born to decide on a permanent one. we have fewer boy names that we like than girl names, which makes it difficult. i feel all of this pressure to come up with a list of 4 or 5, just in case his little newborn face doesn't match the #1 name we have picked out for him. and we have two middle names - one to honor my mother and one for my father - we'll just wait and see which first name fits our little one to decide which middle name fills the name out best. it's a big decision naming a child. he will love it and resent it at different points in his life, i'm sure, no matter what we decide.

i've been working a bit more in the kitchen, and am quickly learning my pregnant body limits on standing and moving around. i'm so glad my schedule is fairly flexible to allow rest in between long cooking days, but i'm also happy to be keeping busy. i'm going to begin a prenatal yoga routine next week to help alleviate some of the backaches i've been having and hopefully reverse the sciatica that has returned after a 3 year hiatus.

other than minor aches and pains from standing in the kitchen i feel great. pregnancy is treating me quite well, and i am definitely feeling the glow. i'm 21 weeks today. over half way there!

IT'S A BOY!

we had our 20 week ultrasound today and confirmed, without a doubt, that we are having a son. i cried, which i think i would have done either way, but i think that deep down i really wanted a boy. so there you go!

everything measured perfectly, normal and expected. we couldn't ask for a more healthy pregnancy so far. blood test results come back with numbers as if i were in my 20's, no complications to speak of, i'm feeling great and thoroughly enjoying being pregnant. i am actually really sad that it's already half over.

it's funny knowing the gender of the little baby growing inside of me. now i can imagine how he will look, think about his personality, dream solidly about little boy things. it's also funny knowing that we won't have a daughter. for the last 20 weeks we have daydreamed about our little boy or girl, going through scenarios with each gender, loving both the son and the daughter we imagined at different time that we'd have. today one of those doors closed, and i'm mourning a bit for it. i think when i cried as the ultrasound tech finished up her measurements i was also crying for the death, so to speak, of the dream our future daughter. of the pink and ruffles and long curly hair and ballet and ponies and mermaids. i would have cried for the loss of a dream of a son as well. i guess i was destined to cry either way.

i think we will be a one child family, but only time will tell. maybe my dreams of teaching a little girl how to put on lip gloss and sewing party dresses will change my mind in a few years and we'll have another baby, hoping for a girl this time. but if we had another son, i don't think i can take the emotional baggage of knowing that i had a baby just to have a girl and it wasn't. i'm sure all parents go through this. life is complicated.

i am still sort of in shock, i keep forgetting that i know i am going to raise a little boy. then i daydream about tiny three piece suits with bow ties, and trains and tigers and playing in the dirt. of teaching my son to be a gentleman, to open doors for ladies and say thank you and please.

i have many hopes for him, and they grow every minute. i hope he is creative, like his parents. i hope he isn't a picky eater. i hope he has his daddy's smile. i hope he loves to learn. i hope he has hazel eyes like both craig and i do. i hope he loves to camp with his daddy and cook with his mommy. i hope we can teach him to be generous, kind, and thoughtful.

i could elaborate, but i won't write a book here. boy oh boy. a boy!!

and, i can eat wheat again! i had a second opinion with a new doctor and he doubts my original celiac diagnoses. since tuesday i have eaten pizza, bread, pasta, burger buns, crackers and cookies and i feel fine. no more eliminating fabulous gluten from my diet! yay!

i guess i'm going through a nesting phase, though it's probably been happening for months already. it's coming to a frantic height right now, i'm looking at painters, new furniture and reorganization in every room of the house. trying to fit everything into my measly home improvement budget is going to be a challenge, but it's fun to visualize and dream.

our microwave died a few weeks ago, so i'm replacing it with a microwave/convection oven. i think i'll use the convection more than the actual microwave, so it seemed like a worthwhile upgrade. now i can bake! and roast meat! at the same time! wish craig luck figuring out how to install the thing when it gets here next week.

i've started to feel the baby move a little bit. little flutters and bubbles. i can't pinpoint the exact moment i decided it was the baby and not my lunch, but it's comforting to finally feel movement in there. we listen to bb's heartbeat once a week, but little feelings on odd occasions are a nice reminder that there's actually a little person in there. i'm sure in a few more months i'll be saying otherwise as i'm kept awake at night, but for now it's all still new and exciting.

we find out in less than a week our baby's gender. we both have a feeling that it might be a boy, but that isn't based on anything very scientific. we keep referring to bb as "he", and i keep having images of a little boy in my head, but who knows. any bets on what we'll have?

i'm working on getting my canning mojo back now that summer is here. i processed a batch of chicken stock in the pressure canner this week, and am planning on a large batch of sundried tomato jam in the coming few weeks. our farmers market open this weekend and i'm going to see what's available to inspire me for some other canning projects. i want to have plenty of stockpiled food once this baby comes, pickled, preserved and pressure canned.

i just ate an entire half roll of necco wafers to get to the only chocolate one in the whole roll that was nestled safely in the center, because the chocolate ones are really the best ones, which is probably why they make this. why i didn't buy the chocolate roll is beyond me. i can't be trusted to make decisions lately. in the process of eating the original wafers i did throw a few of the liquorice ones on the ground, because those are gross. now i feel like i need to eat a chicken breast and half a head of broccoli to offset the sugar i just ingested.

i've rediscovered cucumber slices in my water, thanks to bagel on damen, which serves both coffee and bagels, two things i can't consume right now, but has a huge container of cucumber water for me to fill my cup with. i've been enjoying my own cucumber water at home and on the go for the past few days now. thanks, guys!

i forgot that i look good in pinks and rose, cranberry and mauve. i've been really into navy and black and grey for a while, probably because due to winter seasonal affective disorder to some extent, and mostly because they have been slimming on my ever rounder figure. now that my belly is so painfully obviously pregnant and not just pudgy, and the weather is warmer and the sun is shining, i'm branching out to more colors. and techno tribal dresses, which, apparently, is the new hot look. my closet now looks like summer.

i finally got around to watching the business of being born, which, though totally one sided, was really quite good. it put into words and images everything i've already been feeling about the birth experience on my own - that hospital guidelines and rules push women to birth in positions and with drugs which hinder the natural process that a woman's body is meant to go through. i'm not at all interested in birthing at home, but i want to make my own decisions about how long i labor and when an intervention is necessary. (along with my midwife, of course.) women have been giving birth for thousands of years without pitocin and epidurals, our bodies are hard wired to do this. i really want to experience every part of this birth and avoid medications that could affect my baby and myself in negative ways. i really feel that if you go into an experience without fear, you are better equipped to handle it, so i'm reading and hearing stories and educating myself as much as possible so i am comfortable with what my body is already prepared to do in 5 more months. and i believe that will help me cope with what i am sure will be the most painful, frightening, enjoyable, emotional, and amazing experience of my life. i'm also trying not to get my hopes up too much just in case i have a situation that will make an intervention necessary. ok, i will get off my soapbox now.

numbers

2 - the number of days per week i've been working the past month or so.

3 - the number of jobs i have now, all food related.

4 - the number of days per week i will be working for the rest of the summer. bummer.

5 - the number of pounds i have gained since getting knocked up.

8 - the number of days until i meet with a second gastroenterologist who may possibly (fingers crossed) tell me that i can eat gluten again.

10 - the number of boxes of gluten free waffles from the case i impulse bought that i have left to eat really quickly just in case i can eat real waffles again soon.

12 - the number of foods/restaurants on my "things to eat immediately after being told i can eat gluten again" list.

17 - the number of weeks pregnant i am.

20 - the number of pounds i feel like i look like i've gained since getting knocked up.

24 - the number of hours in a day that i think about food recently.

my little brother is recently engaged and starting a new life near us in chicago. i love love love his fiance, we are becoming quite close and i think of her as the little sister i never had. i am so thrilled that she will be joining our family for good, and maybe even sooner than the summer 2012 wedding they originally planned for....

a few months ago i saw a contest for a dream wedding giveaway for an amazing wedding here in chicago this fall, on 11/11/10. phil and katelin planned on having their wedding in virginia, so i forwarded the contest link to katelin and asked her if she'd consider having their wedding here in chicago if it happened to be free. she entered and we all forgot about it. until this week when katelin received an email that she and phil made it to the top 10 semi-finalists!

i'm so excited for them i can barely stand it! aside from the fact that the wedding date is a mere 2 weeks after i am due to deliver our baby, I REALLY WANT THEM TO WIN! i will hobble down the aisle post delivery in a maternity bridesmaid dress with a crying baby if i have to! my brother is in law school, with loans piling up around his ears, and katelin just started a job here in chicago after being unemployed for many months. neither of our families have the means to pay for their true dream wedding, which is part of the reason they planned such a long engagement. winning this contest would change everything for them and help them begin their married life without the debt of a wedding looming over them.

the top 10 couples and their stories are featured on the contest website for people to vote on their favorite couple to narrow down the top 3, which will then be chosen by a selection committee later this month. SO! please please PLEASE vote for my little brother phil and his fabulous fiance katelin so they can start their married life together with a gorgeous (free) chicago wedding this november. you have one week! VOTE NOW!

just look at their cute faces! they are clearly the most adorable and deserving couple in the mix.

http://elevenelevenwedding.com/

first of all, i really truly promise that this blog won't be all about baby stuff. i'm just totally preoccupied with it all right now, and still basking in all of the newness and excitement. i have a lot on my mind, most of it pregnancy, birth, and newborn related.

i just entered my second trimester, my nausea is gone, my skin is clearing up, and i'm getting that beloved burst of energy that everyone keeps talking about. i'm also experiencing different kinds of feelings, discomforts and anxieties as i look a little more pregnant each day and the reality of having a real life baby to care for in 6 short months sets in.

i'm still in total awe of the whole miracle of carrying a tiny little baby around inside of me. of the growth and development happening in my body every minute. each time i listen to the tiny heartbeat on my home doppler i tear up and shake my head. there is a little tiny person depending on me to make good decisions, to be safe, to be calm, and to protect him or her every day. the baby is letting me know its presence more and more, as i'm having trouble bending over, feeling more pressure in my abdomen and having a ravenous hunger 24/7. no flutters of movement yet, but i can't wait until there are in a few weeks.

we had a 4-d ultrasound last week which was incredible. seeing such detail on the screen really left us speechless. watching our baby spin around inside my womb made all of this so much more real. seeing tiny hands, feet, a defined little face and a little bony bottom - watching all of these parts maneuver around in the confinement of my belly was just amazing. baby berman is healthy, with a strong fast heartbeat and a good size so far. our next ultrasound appointment is june 10 when we find out the gender - less than 6 weeks until i can start thinking more specifically about my future son or daughter.

i've started my research on what exactly we're going to need, and am reaching out to new moms all over the board to get advice to base our decisions off of. our biggest decision (and investment) will be in a stroller. since we don't own a car we are going to be using a stroller as our main method of transportation with bb. and there is so much to consider, including car seat adapters - will it really be necessary considering we're not going to be riding in a car that often? i'm leaning towards a bugaboo for their versatility, compactibility and light weight, but i'm still getting a tightness in my chest at the cost. and then there is everything else. there are buckets of items we'll need no matter what - a carseat, nail clippers, a crib. and buckets of items i know we can do without - wipes warmer, bottle sanitizer, diaper genie. and buckets of items i don't know if we'll need or not - bassinet, bouncy seat, nursing pillow? all of those things coupled with the whole clothing thing - not knowing how big bb will be at birth so not knowing what size to buy, and being due in late fall we'll need bunting and long sleeves and cold weather accessories almost immediately. needless to say, i'm a little overwhelmed and am welcoming any and all advice.

and now for non-baby talk:

my nannying/personal chef gig has come to an end, and i'm starting a new gig assisting an artisanal pasta maker for the summer. i'm in charge of her packaging and labeling, helping her get her products out to specialty stores and farmers markets. it's fun and interesting and i'm happy to get to work with freshly handmade pasta, even if i can't eat it.

and, on a related note, i will be seeing a different gastroenterologist in about a month to reevaluate my potential celiac diagnoses. my first doctor was convinced that my symptoms could be caused my nothing other than a gluten intolerance, but as i am not feeling much of a difference after depriving myself of bread and pasta and cupcakes for 3 months, i'm thinking otherwise. i'm trying not to get my hopes up, but hopefully this new doc can shed some light on my symptoms and reopen my dietary options for the remainder of my pregnancy. i would kill for a hamburger on a pretzel roll.

so 2010 started off poorly, but immediately turned around and is promising to give me a truly memorable and wonderful year.

....because in october i'm going to be a mother!

it's true, i'm pregnant. craig and i are going to have a baby.

i am just over 13 weeks, and am due october 28, 2 days before my 31st birthday.

i have always wanted to be a mom and i've been ready for this for a long time. and after 11 years together, 7 of them married, craig and i are ready, really truly ready to start our family.

we are excited, nervous, scared and happy beyond belief. in between bouts of extreme nausea and complete exhaustion i've been smiling ear to ear. i really had no idea pregnancy would hit me this hard - the aches and pains and uncomfortableness of the first trimester, which i have only just recently come out of.

the biggest challenge for me has been food. for weeks i was nauseous. all the time. like being hungover nauseous, when you know you should eat something but thinking about food makes you want to barf. and you feel like if you barf you'll feel a little better, except that i knew that it wouldn't. that coupled with the fact that i'm on strict guidelines from my doctor to stick to a gluten free diet was making eating quite difficult. many gluten free foods are still making me nauseous just thinking about them. rice pasta? yuck. that gluten free bread i made? gag. those expensive gluten free spinach tortillas? i can't even look at them. i want a hamburger. and pizza. real pizza. and i can't have it. it's making me crazy.

cooking has also been a challenge with my heightened sense of smell. even when i could think of a food that didn't make my stomach churn, halfway through cooking it i would usually start to feel differently. and on the off chance i could make it through preparation and dinner time, the leftovers are the most unappealing thing i could imagine the next day, no matter what it was. this whole hormonal change has been so bizarre. i've never been a picky person, and now not only do i have a dietary restriction, i have increased aversions and cravings. it is so odd, and not like me at all. it looks like i'm in the clear from the nausea and most severe aversions, but i'm learning new things about myself and my new pregnancy stomach every day.

since this post has been nearly three months in the making while trying to keep the pregnancy under wraps, it's really long. i've taken lots of notes and had many moments i've wanted to share. here are a few more:

1. i realized i was really, truly, a pregnant woman. i went grocery shopping with a list of 5-6 things, ended up buying way too much food, and hailed a cab to take me and my bounty home. in the cab i was overcome with desire for the haagen dazs strawberry ice cream in one of my bags, so i found it, opened it and ate it. in the cab. with a makeshift spoon.

2. i cheated. before being chastised by my doctor about cheating on the gluten free diet, i had a few cravings that i had given in to, and i'm ashamed to admit them. if you know me at all, you know that i don't eat commercial fast food. no subway, mcdonald's or burger king for me. but i had about a two week craving for mcdonald's chicken nuggets, which i probably hadn't eaten in more than a decade. i finally gave in, at an airport, and i am ashamed. they certainly killed the craving though.

3. i realized i touch my belly way too much. when someone i was talking to asked if i was ok and i said "yeah, why?" and she pointed out that i was clutching my tiny 8 week pregnant pooch the entire time we were talking. she didn't know i was pregnant and thought i was having a gastrointestinal issue.

4. i fell in love. i was in love with the idea of this baby from before it was conceived. the minute i saw the tiny little flicker of a heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor i started crying and knew that what i actually loved was a real person. a tiny grape sized little person with a tiny beating heart. and i didn't even care that the adorable young male med school student shadowing my doctor that day had just seen me practically naked.

5. i have been nannying for a toddler during my entire pregnancy so far, and have gone back and forth between moments of "i can't wait to have this moment with my child" when he smiles and gives me a hug, and "holy crap, what am i doing?" as he's throwing a tantrum or won't take a nap when i need one so badly, and "how in the world to women ever have more than one child?" as i am dry heaving while changing a particularly unattractive diaper. mostly it's been the first one, though. i can't wait to be a mom.

6. some good friends of ours had a baby a few weeks ago, and at the hospital holding the one day old baby i was overcome with the most wonderful feelings of excitement and serenity....and sheer terror as i held the 9 lb boy in front of my slowly growing stomach trying to visualize a baby like him inside my small frame. how is this going to work again?

so, expect a lot of writing here about the joys of pregnancy, decorating a nursery and shopping for baby stuff, mixed with some gluten free cooking and baking in addition to my usual ramblings. i am going to be revamping emilykberman.com in the coming weeks to contain more of my personal chef/catering/cooking/gluten free thoughts, experiences and recipes, so keep an eye out there as well. and thanks for sticking with me on the next leg of my life journey.

seven years ago today i married the love of my life, my best friend. i still consider myself lucky, more and more every day, actually.

our lives have changed so much since we met, our paths have been altered and our goals have been redefined countless times. our life together has improved each year that we have been together with new experiences, new memories, new friendships and new plans.

this year is so much more meaningful in so many ways. we are at a point in our lives where everything is making the most sense, it is all meshing and clicking in the best ways possible. i say it each year, but really, we've never been so amazing together as we are right now.

i catch myself every day wondering how i deserved to have such a wonderful husband. such a loving and supportive partner, caring and empathetic friend. i am honestly one of the luckiest girls alive. i wish this luck and happiness on every married couple i know. and even those i don't.

i could gush about all of the reasons i love craig, but if you know us, i think they are already obvious. so instead, here are 7 tips from 7 years of marital bliss.

1. you can never say 'i love you' too much. ever. sometimes it's all it takes to end a disagreement. or just start the day off right.

2. don't take each other for granted. never stop saying 'thank you'.

3. privacy and secrets are two different things. the first is incredibly important in even the closest marriage. the second is harmful to all relationships, especially those closest to your heart.

4. spend some time apart. having different experiences and memories keeps intrigue and mystery alive, and gives you something new to share with each other.

5. go to bed mad sometimes. a good night's sleep is often better than 3 more hours of exhausted late night arguing. you'll probably forget what made you so upset in the first place.

6. give each other massages. all the time.

7. keep talking about your future together. don't ever stop making plans, no matter how outlandish they might be.

chicago is warming up, we're getting sunny days, surprise rain showers and springtime temperatures. it's a welcome seasonal change, one that i've never quite looked at this way before. i have open daytime hours to enjoy the sunlight and the warmth, take walks, eat outside, visit with friends. i'm spoiled rotten, i know it. i'm imagining this summer and all of the wonderful things it will include - lots of growth and changes and new experiences.

we are going through a little stir crazy nesting right now - we've been in our condo longer than we've ever lived anywhere else, and we're hungry for some change. we are moving furniture, painting, redecorating, and it's working at making me feel like i have something of a new space to live in. i spend more time at home now, and every little change makes a difference.

i feel like the changes in my environment are reflective of the changes i've been making as well. i'm a totally different person now than i was a year ago. finishing culinary school, quitting my full time job, having time to contemplate and grow, not knowing where my entire next month's paycheck is going to come from, it's changed me. for the better. i'm much more relaxed now, much more laid back, happier in so many ways.

for the 6th year in a row we are going to be angelic organics shareholders, and this year we're taking on the entire share by ourselves. my brother and mom will reap some of those benefits when we're sick of salad greens and cabbage, but otherwise we plan on doing a lot of freezing and canning to make the most of our share. i might document our progress each week here, sharing the creative ways we intend to use up a 3/4 bushel box of vegetables each week. every summer, even with just 1/2 of the share, we end up becoming mostly vegetarian due to the quantity of veggies we have to go through, and i anticipate that happening to some extent again. i also anticipate breaking down and buying a small stand alone freezer - i'm not sure where it will live yet, but my little kitchen freezer is already full as it is. i obviously haven't thought all of this through yet, but i'm excited about the challenges it will pose.

and because of all of this, and more, i have a feeling that this summer is going to be the best ever.

living gluten free has posed a few specific problems that i'm still learning to work around. the biggest challenge has been snacking while out. i have to keep food on me at all times, just in case i'm out and about and stuck in a situation where i can't find a safe gluten free snack or meal. little bags of nuts and apples are staples in my purse, but i've been craving granola bars, most market varieties of which aren't safe for me to eat. most ingredients in granola bars are inherently gluten free - oats, nuts, honey, sugar, fruit, peanut butter, etc. the problem is in the oats. although naturally gluten free, oats are most commonly processed in plants and on machinery that also processes wheat, so cross contamination is impossible to avoid. Bob's Red Mill makes gluten free oats, processed on machinery dedicated to the oats and nothing else. we love Bob's Red Mill.

there are some brands of GF granola bars out there, and they're good, but they are expensive and i go through them rather quickly. so i decided to make my own, with some of my favorite ingredients. the result is a delicious, hearty and healthy snack, inexpensive and pretty easy to make. enjoy!

gluten free cashew currant granola bars

yields 16 bars

2-1/4 cup gluten free rolled oats

1-1/4 cup cashews, lightly chopped

1/4 cup millet

1/3 cup ground flax seed

1/3 cup sesame seeds

1/2 cup honey

1/4 cup packed brown sugar

2 tbsp butter

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp kosher salt

1 cup currants

preheat oven to 350 degrees. toast first 5 dry ingredients for 15-20 minutes, until aromatic and lightly toasted, stirring a few times to make sure everything is distributed evenly.

meanwhile, heat the next 5 ingredients (honey - salt) in a large heavy bottom pan (big enough to hold and stir everything later), and stir until the sugar melts. let the mixture boil for just a minute then turn off heat.

line a 9x12 jelly roll pan with tin foil and lightly grease with butter or vegetable spray. set aside.

when the dry ingredients are toasty, remove from the oven and turn the oven down to 300. pour the oat mixture into the pot with the honey mixture, add the currants and stir until everything is well coated and evenly combined. pour everything into the jelly roll pan and spread evenly, using a lightly greased rubber spatula. press down while spreading to compact the mixture.

bake for 25 minutes until the top is lightly toasted. remove from the oven and let cool almost completely, then turn out onto a cutting board and peel off the layer of foil. cut the granola sheet lengthwise down the middle, then into 8 even sections across, making 16 bars. (save the crumbly pieces for your granola!) store in a jar, wrap in plastic wrap or wax paper, and enjoy! they should last for about 2 weeks.

i'm having trouble eating. i've been told to stick to a gluten free diet, a STRICT gluten free diet, and it's making me crazy. no wheat - no bread, bagels, flour tortillas, wheat pasta, pastries, cupcakes, english muffins, cookies, pizza, crostini, croutons, most cereals, granolas, etc etc etc. no soy sauce, no candies without checking the label, no prepackaged foods or dressings or mixes without thorough research.

i eat mostly whole foods. i am a chef. i love to cook. i have not had any trouble coming up with delicious menus that avoid all of the above ingredients. meats, vegetables, fruit, rice, quinoa, potatoes, eggs, dairy, beans - all on the A-OK list. pre-packaged foods have never been part of my meny planning, so that hasn't been an issue. my problem has been with the emerging collection of gluten free substitute foods out there - rice pastas, GF bread and cake mixes, GF tortillas, premade GF breads. i have not found one that i can enjoy. scratch that, i found a GF pizza crust at Rose's Bakery in Evanston that is pretty good - not the same as a chewy gluteny wheat crust - but passable. most GF baked goods taste off. the texture is usually a bit gummy, chewy, dense. the flavor is usually potato-y, bean-y, almost sour due to the replacement flours (tapioca, potato, garbonzo, rice, sorghum). i'm sure there are better options out there that i haven't found yet, but that's just the problem - i haven't found them. i've tried brands that other celiacs rave about, i've tried recipes that GF chefs have promised would be delicious. (the GF chocolate chip cookies were actually pretty tasty.) i just haven't found THE ONES. the staples that i can depend on.

it's not the same and i keep expecting it to be the same. that's probably just something i need to let go. it will never be the same. which is terrifying and tragic for someone who has turned her whole life upside down to pursue a career in the culinary field. i may never eat a piece of french bred again, and that kills me.

eating out has been a whole other experience. most restaurants have been pretty accommodating, willing to adjust menu items to exclude flour or bread, or going through the menu in detail with me to show me what i can and can't eat. gluten hides in all sorts of places. breading on fried foods, flour dredged fish, roux in sauces. i'm pretty savvy with a menu to decipher what i can and can't eat, but there's always something that sneaks up. and you can never be 100% safe from cross contamination. i had been winging it for a few weeks, but it's time to be more aware, which will probably mean eating out less. and probably, because of the misunderstanding of the disease and annoyance of having a guest with a complicated dietary restriction, being invited by friends to dinner less often as well.

at home i'm dealing with an annoyed stomach and stockpiles of tested pastas and bread mixes that i probably won't be eating except in extreme emergencies. i'm eating a lot of vegetables, lots and lots of rice, potatoes, and corn. i can live without most sweets, but all i've wanted for the last month is a tasty grilled cheese sandwich. and lasagna. and a hamburger with a bun.

learning to live without is proving more difficult than i thought.

life is funny. here i am, 30 years old, finishing culinary school while also learning to adjust my diet for a disease that i may or may not really have, working as a nanny, a personal chef, a caterer, and trying to help manage a shared use commercial kitchen. i never would have written this scenario for myself. but i've also never felt so right about the path i was on. funny how that happened.

i had the opportunity to cater a wonderfully smooth flowing dinner party for 20 people last weekend with joel, and i realized i've finally gotten to the point of relaxed confident chef. my tummy only fluttered once, as we pulled into the driveway, but the rest was smooth sailing. and we didn't end up with copious amounts of leftovers, we estimated everything just right. the menu was pretty simple: grilled spice rubbed shrimp with cumin cilantro sour cream, irish cheddar twice baked fingerlings with herb creme and prosciutto chips, and tomato and basil goat cheese bruschetta to start. then red hen rolls with herb butter, a filet of beef roulade with herb jus, creamy danish blue mashed potatoes, green beans and fennel with shaved parmesan (from my last post), and a spinach, grapefruit and pomegranate salad with a white balsamic vinaigrette. everything was great, and it was nice working an event that only involved myself and joel. and almost everything (except the bruschetta and rolls) were gluten free, which was reassuring to me as a chef who is redefining her repertoire.

i am going to florida this weekend to visit my husband's grandmother, and my brother in law is meeting us there as well. it's sure to be a teary and huggy weekend, full of jewish grandma kisses and dinners at 5pm. and 70 degrees and sunny. i am really looking forward to all of it, even though our crack of dawn flight home on monday is sure to leave me exhausted. i've been tired recently. i need to learn to sleep better, especially when traveling.

i ordered a selection of various flours from bob's red mill and am expecting them to arrive either today or tomorrow. once they do i'm going to try an altered version of a gluten free chocolate chip recipe i found, and i'll definitely post it here. if it turns out. which i hope it will.

my other site, which used to house my audubon bird painting updates and news, is going to turn into my personal chef and catering site soon. i'm working on some ideas and have enlisted the husband to help me prepare. once i'm live i'll let you know.

in the meantime, i'm going to keep thinking about this new life i'm living and how to keep the good times up and running.