Emily and the morning of HELL

After a small tiff with my ever loving husband, I go to bed last night with a slight headache and a teensy weensy sore throat that I had been nursing all day. I wake up an hour early this morning to the little shit miniature pinscher (appropriately named Bruiser) upstairs jumping up and down relentlessly above my bedroom. I roll over and pull the covers over my ears and realize that my teensy weensy sore throat has mutated into a full blown pain and that sleep did not cure my aching head. As if sensing my pain, the little asshole upstairs starts yipping his little pointy head off. I stare at the ceiling with my sore throat and throbbing brain while Bruiser violates my ears. After contemplating calling in sick for twenty minutes I decide that work will be quieter and more restful than the kennel I apparently live beneath. I make it in and out of the shower, and as I painstakingly try to fix my hair, hub points out to me that our angry weightlifting downstairs neighbor is now blasting Outkast so loud that we can hear the "hey yah"s clearly as if they were being hollered right in our own dining room. Apparently the fight he had last night with his live in girlfriend has made him wake up this morning with a new sense of energy. Sick and tired, I am forced to listen to fuck-head upstairs jumping and barking, the steroid-oaf downstairs shaking it like a Polaroid picture, all before 8:00 am. I make it to my office (I was even early amazingly enough) to a message that my boss called in sick with a sore throat and headache. My coworker comes in late (as always) telling me that she nearly called in sick as well. As I sit here I contemplate how nicely a miniature pinscher would fit into my oven, how I can't wait to find anew job and a new apartment, and how baked beans aren't such a good breakfast food.

Hello Thursday.

fun fun fun. googlisms I have narrowed the list down and have highlighted my favorites. I swear I didn't make these up.

emily is very sneaky
emily is here
emily is bored with no list
emily is commander
emily is home
emily is always desperate
emily is making me ill
emily is cool
emily is everything
emily is better than martha stewart
emily is silly
emily is a massive chewer
emily is doing fine
emily is awesome
emily is the coolest
emily is queen of her domain
emily is forced to consider her own financial situation
emily is optimistic and hard working
emily is my favourite character
emily is an 8" bunny dressed in a sailor suit
emily is a wonderful novel for children aged 9 and up
emily is the empathic listener
emily is about 4'9"
emily is quite advanced for her age
emily is looking odd
emily is my very special person
emily is an eastern anmatyerre speaker and one of the senior artists of the utopian art movement
emily is a nurse
emily is a bitch
emily is such a cutie
emily is a character that is normal enough so that the audience could relate to her; and yet be different in little ways that makes people love and adore her
emily is most the talented and modest athlete that i have ever come across
emily is also crazy about sweden
emily is industrious and extremely dependable
emily is a clinical hypnotherapist
emily is a dreamer
emily is an accomplished fly fishing instructor
emily is coming next weekend
emily is gone
emily is a real inspiration
emily is currently airing repeats weekdays in the usa on wam
emily is an heiress
emily is a young heroine who many can relate to
emily is a beautiful woman
emily is unique
emily is my favorite chick
emily is a bikini model
emily is everything
emily is finding it difficult to describe what she's seeing
emily is a feminist at a time when women's roles were defined by men
emily is so nice
emily is where she is supposed to be
emily is such a cutie
emily is remarkable
emily is a warm and wonderful child who has a small scar under her chin
emily is industrious and extremely dependable
emily is officially gifted and talented
emily is doing fine
emily is up in the stars as she mixes it with celebs
emily is all cutsie and stuff
emily is short
emily is a writer
emily is still alive
emily is hiring
emily is uncomfortable with there being sexy girls in bikini tops
emily is a flower girl
emily is a star
emily is the coolest person
emily is on her way home
emily is cigarette perverted porn ?????
emily is on the road to recovery
emily is very open about a lot of things
emily is growing like a weed
emily is ____
emily is viewed by the town as being among the ranks of the union and confederate soldiers
emily is forced to compete against athletes who have no idea of what it is to have downs syndrome
emily is off to school
emily is right
emily is like every other quartermain
emily is "wednesday's child"
emily is a winner
emily is so confused
emily is due in a couple weeks?
emily is my favorite friend
emily is my name fo shizzle
emily is happy doing nothing
emily is officially a crackhead
emily is running all over the place and just happy to be a little girl
emily is just dazzling
emily is the only regular poster to have been consistently nice to all
emily is the name of an angel
emily is such a fantabulous person who is one of *the best* people to build websites with
emily is a very rare male name
emily is full of fun

The short tease of springtime is slipping away.

I want to sleep until sometime next month.

Ahhhhhh......60 degrees and partly cloudy. I'll take that for now. There's nothing like a little warmth and a gaze over Lake Michigan to brighten up the spirits. I can't wait for official springtime.

My top 7 favorite things about warm weather in Chi-town:
(I just couldn't narrow it down to 5, as hard as I tried.)

7. The smell of growing, blooming plants and warming lake water.
6. The infamous wind. I just love how I can get chilled goosebumps when I'm sitting in the shade on the lake on a 90 degree summer day.
5. Flip-flops. I absolutely lived in my Mella's last summer. I have a few fresh pairs waiting for spring and summer '04.
4. Festivals galore. From Halsted to Old Town, there's an outdoor festival for everyone.
3. Sunset euro-picnics with my hubby on the lakeshore.
2. Walks to and from work. (*note to self: must take full advantage of any and all fair weather before we move to a desolate and far away land outside of walking distance to my current place of employment.)
1. Weekday lunchtime - sitting on the lakeshore. It's a slow-going soothing temporary escape from work and life.

New underwear, a new hairdo, and Monday is still nearly unbearable.

What keeps making me smile this dreary Monday? Michael Moore's appearance in the opening sequence of the Academy Awards last night.

I haven't studied half as much as I should have for my test tonight, but I'm actually feeling quite capable of doing well. Maybe I'm just hopelessly optimistic, but in my current Rosie-the-Riveter-esque state, I feel like "I can do it".

Craig and I looked at a single apartment yesterday while driving around aimlessly looking for our new future neighborhood. I am getting more and more excited about moving, and decorating, and buying new furniture. The landlord at the lone apartment we looked at told us he had a good gut feeling about us, which really does us no good unless he is willing to drop $300 a month off the rent. Ah well. We still have time.

Is it Friday yet?

five things i need

a job offer
a hair cut
sleep
a back rub
tums

five things i don't need but am getting anyway

more makeup
more underwear
dinner out
a cold
a huge zit on my cheek

Our president is flaming. A flaming asshole.

What on earth does the marriage of two men or two women have anything to do with my husband and me? How is it that a lifelong union between two gay men is destroying the sanctity of marriage, but a gameshow on tv resulting in the marriage of two strangers for money is ok? Oh wait, those tv show marriages were between men and women........right, I get it. That makes it holy and sacred, unlike those gay men who are just marrying each other because they are in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. 48 hour celebrity marriages a la Britney Spears are ok because they are between a man and a woman, too. Goddam those homosexuals, being happy and committed and faithful and all. I'd rather have a cheating, lying, abusive hate filled marriage between a man and a woman than a disgusting loving marriage between Melissa Etheridge and her wife any day. While we're at it, let's ban interracial marriages and interclass marriages, and hell, shy not also ban interreligion marriages. We can't continue to have our holy institution of marriage defiled by all of this crap.

God bless the USA, land of the free, home of the brave.

HMO plans are pure evil.

Last week I made an appointment with my primary care physician for tomorrow. I get a letter in the mail yesterday telling me that she has been kicked out of my HMO plan, so I have an appointment tomorrow with a doctor who no longer can accept my insurance. After calling every doctor in Illinois I find one who is accepting new patients, and the soonest I can see her is April 19. April 19! It's a damned good thing I'm not in seriously bad health here. I could die by then. Previous to these shenanigans, last fall I visited my "female doctor" for my annual visit and was told that she was dropping out of my HMO plan. I was devastated, having finally found a doctor I love, and now I can't see her anymore. I still haven't found a new replacement for her. It's too hard.

I think the people who run my HMO are secretly working for the Grim Reaper. They are hatching an evil plot to kill all of their subscribers by denying them health care.

Five things I am looking forward to this week:

1. Turning in my ass kicking research paper in class tonight. I will get an A.
2. Cooking pork chops tomorrow night.
3. Thursday night dinner and sample sale at Isabella ! Yay!
4. Friday when all of our bills should be paid off.
5. Saturday when I finally go back to my natural haircolor and get a haircut.

Here I am, at work on a Sunday. Yes, a Sunday. It's all fine and good though, because this is giving me ample time to work on my project that is due tomorrow. (And I am working hard, I swear.) I am finding some pleasure in being here, in the dark and quiet with no coworkers around to bother me. It's nice. It took me this long to figure out that working extra can actually pay off.

Earlier today my ever loving husband Craig was on the computer browsing through some old photos from right after we moved to Chicago, the late summer of '02. We saw what a shambles our apartment was in, how crappy our first futon was, how tiny our first kitten was, and how humongous I used to be. I can't believe how heavy I looked, and I almost passed out when I saw the photos. 20 extra pounds can do a lot to a 5 foot tall frame. I just wish someone would have told me what a plumper I was, and how unflattering my clothes and hair were. Sometimes a woman just does not need to see her "fat pictures." I would burn them if they weren't digital.

I've learned a lot in a year and a half.
1. Working overtime isn't so bad if it means you don't really have to work.
2. Futons suck.
3. Hindsight is always 20/20.
4. If you go out to eat 4 times a week you will gain lots of weight.
5. Losing the weight is easy with a well rounded diet, moderate exercise, and having a major bout of food poisoning as a starting point.

My office: 80 degrees and rising. I guess when this building was built in the 70's they didn't have any idea how to build a decent heating/cooling system. I cannot continue to work under these conditions. I am feeling very sleepy.....

We are approved!! In less than one week our credit cards will have zero balances and we'll have a simple low monthly loan payment. Yippee! A lower interest rate and an end date on our debt! Borrowing more money to pay off debt. It's the American way.

Lamb chops with balsamic cherry mint sauce

2 lamb chops with excess fat removed
salt, pepper
2 tbsp olive oil
1 chopped shallot
3/4 cup thawed frozen cherries (pitted) coated with 1 tsp sugar to juice
2 tsp balsamic vinegar
3/4 cup beef stock
1 tbsp butter
one large handful fresh chopped mint

-heat 1 tbsp of the oil in a large skillet, to medium high.
-saute chops 3 minutes each side for medium rare, and remove from pan.
-reduce heat to medium and add other tbsp of oil.
-cook shallot until light brown and then add cherries (with juice), vinegar and beef stock. let simmer 3-5 minutes until slightly reduced.
-add butter and 1/2 of the mint. stir until butter is melted.
-serve chops topped with sauce and the rest of the mint.

I made this last night and it was absolutely heavenly. I'm obsessed with food, I'm not afraid to admit it.

Things I don't believe in:

1. Taxes
2. Getting up before 7 am
3. The Atkins "diet"
4. Gee Dubbaya Bush
5. The theory that the best things come to those who wait. I'm waiting.

My lunch ended quite unexpectedly today. In an effort to find some mindless reading and pictures I grabbed the nearest magazine on the rack in the staff lounge. I had never opened an Adbusters before, and it looked interesting. I finished my broccoli and half of my yogurt and strawberries reading about a man who discovered his dead mother's body in her apartment. I took a deep breath, finished my yogurt, turned a few pages page and saw a photo of two African children playing with pieces of a dismembered body of another child. A bloody hand lay nearby, next to an arm complete to the shoulder where it abruptly ended in grisly strings of flesh. A burned and bloody torso could be seen to the right behind one of the crouching children, and two mangled legs appeared to the left, which I assume were still attached. There was no head. I quickly slapped the magazine shut, placing it face down on the table so I could concentrate on keeping my recently eaten food in my stomach. I glanced down to see the back cover presenting a photo of a blackened charred corpse with white glistening teeth smiling up at me. Needless to say broccoli, strawberries and yogurt are not so delicious the second time around.

Maybe I'm just sensitive, maybe I'm weak and vulnerable to these harrowing images. I understand that these things happen in the world, but I have no desire to look at them, especially with a mouthful of thick red yogurt with huge chunks of softened strawberries.

I'm crying and shaking and nauseous and I want to go home and throw up some more.

Five things I'm happy about this morning:

1. I only woke up once last night (at 5:11 am), finally getting a well deserved good night's sleep.
2. Breakfast of champions, a thick slice of ham and a piece of lorraine swiss. It was incredibly satisfying.
3. I bought this adorable brooch. I like to support the indie crafters.
4. (Knock on wood) I found a great job to apply to. The resume goes out today.
5. My little bro called me last night. He's coming to visit in June. I can't wait!

Mirai. Best......Sushi.......Ever. I swear to God I can still taste the otoro. Not the best "deal" in Chi-town, but definitely worth the hundred bones we spent on our Valentine's Day dinner. Craig picked a delicious red wine, and to start we had the Kani Ebi Korokke (Alaskan crab wrapped in seaweed with a spicy mayonnaise), and the Tuna Tuna Salmon (tuna and Salmon wrapped around a roll of rice with a creamy sauce), both which were amazing. Our waiter told us the Tuna Tuna Salmon is what most people come back for, and I believe him. We then had the tuna combination sashimi, consisting of two pieces each of akami (not very fatty), chutoro (medium fatty), and otoro (very fatty). They were such amazing cuts of fish they just melted in our mouths. We also had two unagi nigiri (fresh water eel is my absolute favorite). For dessert we had three mochi cakes with ice cream centers, in mango, green tea, and red bean. Yum. The perfect ending to a perfect Kissy-Day meal. I almost could have had another piece of otoro for dessert, it was so creamy and smooth. This meal was honestly the best sushi dinner I've ever had. Absolutely amazing. You definitely pay for this kind of quality, at our local casual sushi joint (which is still pretty good) we can get stuffed for under $50. At Mirai we spent twice as much on half as much food, but I came away with my tongue on cloud nine.

Before dinner, Craig surprised me with an appointment for a pedicure and massage at a local spa. I had my pedicure first, and while seated directly across from the massage room I noticed the door opening and closing constantly during another woman's massage. I kept getting flashes of a naked women under a white sheet and it made me quite nervous. I wondered how that woman felt, and thought about how mortified I would be knowing that someone was staring at my thin-white-sheet-covered butt while they got their toes painted. I decided to forgo the massage, and immediately fudged up my toe polish by putting on my shoe. Craig came to pick me up, with a bouquet of tulips and a box of chocolates from Marly. I have the best husband in the world. I bought a massage book a couple of weeks ago, and now he owes me to read it and give me a belated Valentines massage.

So needless to say I had a great Valentine's Day this year. I can even say this was the best Valentine's Day.........ever.

Thank you, honey.

I've given up on a job search, at least until my class is over. It's going well, at least as far as I can tell. I've gotten past the point of struggling with my concentration, and am reading my textbook at a fast pace. I am finding it fascinating, and feel that I am grasping the concepts nicely, until I get to class and the professor completely confuses me with her examples. This is going to take some getting used to.

I'm going to buy a canvas, some paint, some fabric, vinyl, etc., and make some stuff soon. I'm feeling quite crafty.

Never trust a woman in a full length rabbit fur coat asking to buy the angora bunnies at the pet store. True story.

I am going to make a tee shirt that says "I survived the root canal." $800 later my tooth hurts more than it did before they started drilling. I can get full dentures for $400. I'm thinking about it.....

Craig took me to a couple of galleries in the West Loop yesterday while meeting for lunch after my root canal. (With the right side of my face drooping like a stroke patient, I still managed to eat a large meal.) We saw an exhibit of gorgeous landscape paintings by a Japanese painter who uses beeswax to cover his finished canvas, giving the scenes a glowing luminous effect. They were absolutely stunning. We peeked into the storage room of the gallery, and I saw a set of paintings that further inspired me to pull out my dusty brushes. I can't wait to get started. Making my own art is a lot more practical right now than dropping $25K at a gallery. I'm up for the challenge, and am thinking that a little creativity might just be good for me.

The Grammys exhibit a wealth of knowledge. "Without lyrics we would all be singing 'la la la la la'."

Hey Yah.

Some snowstorm we had. Sheesh.

Top five things to do at work to waste time:

1. update blog
2. play the rsvp game on lifetime.com
3. shop online
4. stare out the window
5. apply for new jobs

I finish writing a long and detailed post, only to have it vanish into midair when Blogger freezes. Fantastic. I need to relax, after all, it's just a blog. It's not the end of the world. The following is my attempt to recreate what I have been writing over the past two hours.

I love the grocery store, but I am about the worst person to send to buy food alone. I rush to the supermarket because we don't have a backup can of anchovies, and I come back with 4 pounds of turkey sausage, a package of pork chops, 6 different types of rice and two bags of frozen shrimp, none of which I plan to serve in the immediate future. My freezer contains enough meat and fish to make up a small farm and fishery. Needless to say my cabinets contain an orgy of canned vegetables, fruits, beans, meats, and coconut milk. I am always prepared for a weeks worth of delicious meals. Try me.

Anyway, while at the grocery store yesterday, I made my way over to the bakery to satisfy my husband's carbohydrate craving with some fresh bagels. I could see from afar that they were on sale 3 for .99 cents. Hurrah! I love when things are on sale, especially when they are on my shopping list. On my way to the bagel bins I was cut off by a large older Polish-looking man in a dirty jumpsuit who parked himself smack dab in the middle of the aisle, creating a bakery road block. I grabbed a plastic bag and waited. I watched in awe as he displayed a blatant lack of respect for health and cleanliness by fondling and squeezing each and every sesame bagel in the bin. I quickly decided that fresh bagels were no longer on my list and threw my plastic bag to the side, made a grunt of disgust to match the look on my face, and prepared to quickly leave the bakery area. However, I misjudged the space he had left me to maneuver through and promptly hit a table stacked high with boxes of banana nut muffins. As more than a dozen boxes hit the floor with a crash I recoiled in horror and embarrassment. To show the Polish bagel squeezer the meaning of courtesy, I bent down to pick up my mess (luckily none of the boxes came open to spill clean fresh muffins on the floor.) I looked up as I placed the last box carefully back on the table, only to hear a grunt of disgust paired with the same look on the face of Mr. Bagel Molester as he swept past me with his cart, which happened to be absent of any newly tainted bagels. Life is just not fair at the grocery store.

Hubb and I had a delicious dinner last night consisting of whitefish with an olive, anchovy and tomato relish, creamy parmesan risotto and steamed broccoli. I carry a souvenir of this meal with me today in the form of a fish bone stuck in my throat. This is paired with the new blister on my left hand from absent-mindedly touching the broiler pan, which matches the new scar forming on my right forearm from an encounter with a roasting pan last week. I should be locked away alone with a room temperature liquid diet.

This increasing accident-proneness is starting to worry me. I have tried to wreck my car each and every time it has snowed here this season. I keep successfully managing to lose control and fish-tail, once spinning a complete 180 in the middle of Sheridan Road. We are supposed to get 2-6 inches tonight, and I am worried about what my drive to work tomorrow might bring. I have no choice but to come in, with my coworker out I am left to manage our department by myself. I have been told to buy 50 pound bags of sand for my trunk to make my lightweight plastic Volkswagen as heavy as a real car, but I have a problem paying for something that is readily available on the beach near my house, (albeit underneath two feet of snow.) Maybe I should free up some room in my freezer and store all of those bags of shrimp, chicken, fish, sausage, and pork chops in the trunk of my car until the snow and ice has thawed. Or maybe I should just leave it empty because another uncontrolled spinning may dislodge this fish bone in my esophagus.

For some reason I feel a pressing need to get this out of the way.

Who I am, in 100 statements or less.

1. I am five feet, one inch tall and I absolutely hate shorty jokes.
2. I weigh an average of 123.5 pounds, and am working on getting down to a healthy doctor recommended 115. Sort of.
3. I am self conscious about my lovehandles and my boobs. I would have a reduction if it wasn't so painful.
4. I have a lot of work done to my teeth, even though it is painful.
5. My favorite food is sushi. Unagi, saba, and smoked salmon in particular.
6. I don't like electronic music, much to the dismay of my husband.
7. I have been married for almost 10 months to the best man in the world.
8. My two cats, Eva and Stella, are my babies.
9. I love to cook. I like to think I'm pretty good at it. Everything except asian food, that is.
10. I can't bake. I make a good apple pie, but that's about it.
11. My favorite dessert is creme brulee.
12. Reading is my main hobby. I always have at least 4 books in process at a time.
13. I was a ceramics major in college. I haven't been in the studio for more than 6 months.
14. I would like to have a home studio some day.
15. When I was 12 I broke my pinkie toe on my left foot. It now bends weird.
16. I have two tattoos, a star on my right foot and a swallow on my lower left back.
17. I'd like to get my husbands initials in a banner in the beak of the swallow.
18. One of my other hobbies is shopping. It's an addiction and I often spend too much money.
19. I own a lot of makeup.
20. I have issues with my hair. I wish it were straight but it is frizzy and wavy. And currently an unnatural few different shades of brown.
21. I work in a library. My office door actually says "Librarian." (I don't have an MLS)
22. I am a product junkie.
23. I own a 1930's men's armoire, a piece of furniture called a compactum.
24. I am drawn to art deco and art nouveau furniture, jewelry, and art.
25. My engagement ring is an art deco piece from the 1930's.
26. I don't like flashy jewelry unless it is antique.
27. My favorite movies are Amelie, Waking Life, Monty Python's Holy Grail, and True Romance.
28. My parents are divorced, all of my grandparents were divorced, and I don't believe in divorce.
29. My dog, Chester, has addison's disease. He lives with my dad and step mom.
30. I have a younger brother who is 18. Even though he has been in some trouble I am still very proud of him.
31. I worry about my mother sometimes.
32. I have a phobia about walking on open grates in the sidewalk.
33. I can't stand people who drive like assholes.
34. I have a problem relaxing sometimes.
35. I ripped my left big toenail off in September, on my husband's first day of work at his new job.
36. My toenail is now grown back. It hurt like crap.
37. I once went to the hospital thinking I had appendicitis. I really had a pulled muscle.
38. I am a hypocondriac sometimes.
39. I grew up in Virginia just south of Washington D.C..
40. I am never moving back to Virginia.
41. I have a bad habit of being very easily annoyed.
42. My very best friend lives in Hawaii. We've been friends for almost 19 years.
43. I am a very picky person.
44. I can't wait to be a mother someday.
45. One of my favorite memories is of catching crayfish in the creek that ran through my backyard as a kid.
46. I miss being a kid.
47. I also miss all of my friends who don't live in Chicago.
48. Oh, I live in Chicago. Well, actually Evanston, but I'm less than a block from the Chicago border.
49. I will become an official Chicago resident in April.
50. Cinnamon ice cream is one of my favorites.
51. I wear glasses, though I can see fine without them. My prescription is very minor.
52. I used to have a lot of trouble trusting people.
53. Sometimes I overestimate or underestimate my friendships.
54. I am highly organized and very detail oriented.
55. I like to file things.
56. I can't stand unorganized spaces.
57. I once had a hampster names Sammy who died on the fourth of July.
58. I enjoy fresh basil, and want to have a huge garden of it someday.
59. My car is a 2001 VW Golf. It is silver. It has four doors. It is the newest car I've ever owned.
60. My husband and I share said car.
61. My husband's nose is crooked. Wait, that's not about me.....
62. I have a small collection of porcelain salt and pepper shakers, some of them vintage.
63. I like lists and surveys.
64. My nickname growing up was "Emyduck" because my first word was "quack."
65. I have a retirement fund.
66. My first boyfriend was in the 7th grade.
67. My first kiss was also in the 7th grade. I bit his tongue.
68. I lost my virginity to a boy who cheated on me the very next day. He never graduated high school and he now has at least two kids.
69. I am a huge hypocrite sometimes.
70. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is one of my favorite books.
71. I constantly dream about winning the lottery.
72. I have no musical talent whatsoever.
73. My favorite conversation hearts are the white ones.
74. I hate Dave Matthews.
75. I really like to eat red meat. Rare.
76. I am a huge romantic.
77. My birthday is the day before Halloween, which makes me a Scorpio.
78. I used to get strep throat and lose my voice every year when I was a teenager.
79. I am obsessed with the Food Network.
80. My eyes are hazel-green. They are my favorite feature.
81. My first concert was Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson when I was in 9th grade.
82. I smoked between the ages of 13-15.
83. I am very lazy and have trouble getting up on weekdays.
84. I'd rather not have to go to work every day. At least not have to go to a job I don't like.
85. It took me five years to get a four year college degree.
86. I took one semester off to work full time at a hair salon. That was my favorite job ever.
87. My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, marshmallow fluff and bananas.
88. I don't eat much fast food.
89. I wish I had not gone to community college before transferring to a real university.
90. I am very indecisive.
91. My sense of humor sometimes involves making fun of people. I feel guilty about that.
92. I wish I made friends more easily.
93. I treasure the friends I do have and I am very loyal.
94. My biggest fear is to be left alone.
95. I am afraid of death, for myself and for others.
96. I have trouble admitting I was wrong.
97. My biggest flaw is that I am a control freak. I just can't help it and I think it scares people sometimes.
98. I have a scar on my left butt cheek from when I fell onto the open dishwasher on a knife when I was 11 or 12.
99. I like to watch old movies.
100. I sort of feel like this was a waste of time.

Another day begins another week begins another month. Took Eva to the vet this morning; she has a bacterial infection and is on antibiotics for the next 5 days. I was late to work then burned my tongue on my chicken soup at lunch. I'm tired and I wanna go home. Today is the first day of my developmental psychology class, and I at least finished the developmental psychology chapter in my review book. I'm a little bit nervous. We are existing under a winter weather warning today, with an expected 2-4 inches of snow.....again. I got my hair cut on Saturday, and I'm actually pretty happy about it. I was shaking uncontrollably with a bucket of tears ready before she took the first snip. But she did ok. She (my stylist Janet) is preggers and is due in two months. So I'll only get one more haircut (and help getting back to my natural color) before she leaves to give birth to her son. She is going to name him Nickolas. He was an accident. I'm not ready for an accident like that. Dropping my knife on the floor at the Indian Buffet, sure. Baby, no. I'm too selfish. I wonder if that will ever go away. I asked my dad for money yesterday. My brother goes to court next Monday. I saw Janet Jackson's boob during the SuperBowl halftime show. I was shocked, and am saddened by her pathetic need for publicity. Justin Timberlake looks like my little brother. I have a constant list of things I want:

1. A real sofa
2. A vintage travel poster of Washington DC
3. A frame for one of our wedding presents
4. An appointment at the vet to declaw my evil cat Stella
5. A plane ticket to Hawaii to visit my best friend Gina

5 things i'm looking forward to this weekend:

1. finally cleaning out our storage space
2. finally storing my ceramics supplies and our christmas decorations in the basement rather than our entryway and dining room
3. dinner at sushi arigato
4. finally seeing lord of the rings
5. the superbowl menu i plan to prepare for our 2 person party

My janitor, Ben, and I have a special relationship. We always talk about the weather and about our families; he tells me how hard it is to have a wife and four kids while he works two jobs, and I tell him how my cats sleep in my bed with me and my husband. He gave me a special pep talk right before my wedding, fatherly advice and encouragment, but also mentioned that I still had time to get out before it was too late. His native tongue is Spanish, and he sometimes has a hard time saying what he means in English, and doesn't always understand what I am asking him for. We're working on breaking down the language barrier with small talk. His daily visits are one of the few things I look forward to at work every day.

He came in today and told me it would be warm tomorrow - six degrees. Then he says "You know, I wake up this morning at four-thirty and sheesh (shivers), and I say 'Jesus Christ.' I really called him out on it, you know. Is too damned cold." I couldn't have said it better myself.

i need to have a screaming session tonight. maybe i'll to tae bo and pull my groin again and have to go the hopsital for pretend appendicitis. why are people so effing stupid? i hate them all. [steam shooting out of ears] i didn't pack a lunch so i may go for some theraputic indian buffet today. if i don't turn into a pissed off chunk of ice before i make it to the car, which won't even heat up before i get there. so many people are morons, it's a damned good thing i'm smarter than everyone else. damn good thing.

currently chanting "life's too short; do unto others...; it takes all kinds; be the better person."

0 degrees, feels like -12. Is it spring yet?

Random things I worry about:

1. All of my neighbors' dogs. Upstairs - the owner is never home, resulting in her tiny dog constantly jumping up and down and up and down at the front door waiting for her to come home. He's going to end up neurotic. Downstairs - two big dogs in a tiny apartment who aren't taken outside enough, resulting in huge puddles of piss at the very bottom of our back stairs. Either they can't even hold it long enough to get to the grass or they aren't ever given the chance to go anywhere else. Either way is abusive.

2. My downstairs, next door neighbors. All they do is fight and scream, and I'm worried for their children. Last fight I heard mom tell dad to pack his bags. I'm not an advocate for divorce, but I honestly think that would be best at this point.

3. My brother and my mom. My brother for his legal troubles, my mother for her money troubles.

4. Homeless people in Chicago. It's cold and they don't have heat.

My current reading list:

~Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris I heard he was hilarious, but I'm not too impressed. Currently on page 201/272
~Psychology - Dan Baucomb Reading this to catch up before my Developmental Psychology class starts on Monday. 138/319
~Holy Blood, Holy Grail - Richard Leigh After reading The DaVinci Code, (along with 98% of the rest of the world) I became interested in the topic. For some reason I am intrigued by text debunking Christian beliefs. 64/496
~Short History of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson I am a nerd and I love to learn. 82/560
~Everything's Eventual - Stephen King I've been reading this for a year. I love Stephen King, and I always like to have a book of short stories on my current bedside table reading stack. 212/464

I'm in a pretty good mood today despite the snowy slushy death trap outside. Where else can one be nearly side swiped, rear ended, plowed into a ditch, and spend more than half an hour traveling less than two miles? Chicago in the winter. I love it. I think more people come out during treacherous driving conditions than any other time here. My favorites are the ones who somehow manage to get into their snow covered car without disturbing a flake, turn on the windshield wipers to get the snow out of their immediate line of sight, then speed off stupidly and obliviously into the blizzard, looking for a deadly accident. When I say survival of the fittest, these are the people I'm talking about.

Top three people I would rather not associate with:
3. Laundromat owners
2. Idiotic foul weather drivers
1. George Bush

Creativity = Therapy I need a new job. According to Craig, I need to join the "creative class." I must say that I agree. Any ideas?

Five reasons I love my husband:

1. He supports me in all my endeavors.
2. He eats anything I cook, without question.
3. I can see myself growing old with him, and he'll be a really attractive older man.
4. He apologizes when it's not his fault.
5. Because every night is like a slumber party.

5 worst things about this past weekend:
1. spinning out on the snow and slush, almost plummeting to my doom into frozen lake michigan
2. scheduling a root canal for next month
3. the lack of productivity
4. taking a double dose of b.c. and feeling nauseous all day sunday
5. when it ended

5 best things about this past weekend:
1. sushi wabi with craig on friday (1 more sushi restaurant to go and we'll have hit the top 5 in chi-town)
2. staying in, staying warm
3. watching the snow fall
4. craig cooking dinner on sunday
5. not killing myself on the road in the snow and slush

I have the worst craving for fried chicken. Somebody help me.

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but can someone tell me why every female in Chicago is knee deep into knitting? I tried once and failed miserably. I'd love to knit cute little flapper girl hats with knitted flowers on them, but I'm not talented when holding needles, and don't have enough patience for it anyway. Is this just a Chicago phenomenon? Because it's colder than cold here, does every woman feel the need to craft her own scarves and sweaters? It's not a bad thing, just something random I've noticed recently.

Craig and I did laundry last weekend, and while transferring clean wet laundry to the driers, Craig found a ten dollar bill in the pocket of his soaking wet jeans. We dried the cash with my dainties and Craig made the required comment about laundering our money. Of all the things to find unexpectedly, money is my favorite. I once found a $100 bill at a gas station. I love to tell that story, though it isn't really much of a story. I found the crumpled up bill in a puddle of automobile fluids in front of a vacant pump. I shoved it in my pocket, bought my coffee with the fiver I brought in with me, and went back to work. After an hour or so I pulled the bill out of my pocket surprised to see two zeros at the end of the number one I was expecting. After deciding that finders were indeed keepers, I spent it at WalMart on back to college supplies.

I still scan the ground when I pump my gas.

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We ordered delivery last night, from a restaurant that advertises as "lite" Chinese food. Now I don't know about that, but it was pretty tasty, right down to the fortune cookies.

My fortune: You will have a very pleasant experience.
Craig's fortune: You will be the best.

Who knew that fortune cookies could be so accurate??

damn starbucks and their calorie laden cranberry dream bars and vanilla lattes. damn them straight to hell.

Following my husband's lead, here are a few of my current lusts preceded by a probability rating of 1 (on my way to purchasing) to 10 (no way in hell):

-1- Puma Speed Cats, size 6.5 womens, 5 mens, 37 euro, Black/white.
-3- 8 oz California Mango scrub. Best Exfoliant Ever.
-8- Alora Due. Expensive, but it lasts a year.
-6- Kai perfume oil. Delicious.
-4- Du Wop I gels for tired eyes. My eyes are sleepy.
-3- A monogrammed silk robe. Size sm/med. "E".
-10- Kate Spade Pia bag in black.

If I ever have a daughter I am going to do my best to persuade her to elope. The wedding business is such a racket. Tack "wedding" to any noun, and you've got yourself a 300% increase in price. Take wedding photos for example. $28 for an 8x10. $28! $9 for a 4x6! I can get reprints at Walgreens for .39 cents each, but I won't. It is ridiculous: wedding cake, photo album, flowers, dress, manicure, jewelry, invitations, thank you notes, et cetera, et cetera. Never in my life did I imagine being expected to pay so much for a piece of tulle attached to a plastic comb, proudly displayed and marketed as a wedding veil.

According to my calculations, our wedding will be paid off in three years. All this for one day; 5 hours to be exact. If we ever finally purchase our wedding album, I am going to pull it out each time I pay the bills.

I love you, Honey. You're worth every penny and then some.

I hate the smell of Windex.

It is now 6 degrees out. My sinus cavities froze on my way in to work this morning.

I'm tired. I was spoiled yesterday with my laziness. Despite a raging hangover from hell, it sort of felt good to stay in bed until 1:30pm.

I have some weird red spots under my eyelids. I am the devil. There's no other explanation.

I want it to be 5:00 already. I have already had at least 25 pop up screens alerting me that a virus has been found on my computer. Goddammit. At least it's a 4 day work week.

Grump grump grumble grump.

Resolution Update:

1. Get in shape: I'm feeling great. Been working out, eating sensibly (most of the time.) Down a few pounds, looking in the mirror and saying "hmm....pretty good." Was able to purchase the smallest pants size....ever.
2. Be nice: Have regenerated relationship with coworker, have not been nasty to anyone.
3. Budget: I might scratch this one off the list. At least temporarily. But I did go through our debt and income and estimated that we will be able to purchase a house in 2007.
4. Employment: Slowly but surely I'm working on it. It seems that I have someone interested in me, but I don't think she wants to pay me sufficiently, so the search continues.
5. Adventure: I stood on the shore of Lake Michigan for a minute last night. It's frozen and beautiful. And cold. I might be adventurous and go out on the beach and try to walk on the ice one of these days. (might being the operative word here.)

I thought it couldn't happen, but I've actually been busy today! It's been rather exciting and invigorating, having actual work to do, and looking back on a long list of accomplishments crossed off the to do list. I used my creative genius to interpret and maneuver around an unintuitive acquisitions program uncovering information deemed lost forever and solving a massive problem for a patron. And nobody patted me on the back.

In other news: after voicing my complaint against poor customer service from a company I hold near and dear, I am rewarded with a complimentary item I have been coveting for months. Tip of the Day: the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

add:
7. not getting the credit I deserve
6. scratchy bra straps

5 things that irritate me most:

5. ill fitting underwear
4. constant noise
3. cigarettes
2. poor customer service
1. ignorance and neophobia

Under a guise of all day doctor appointments, I am taking a well deserved day off next week. Granted, I do have an appointment to see an endodontist, but one dentist appointment is well worth having a four day work week, I say.

I admit that I haven't been working myself very hard in the exercise department, but I am feeling quite good. A twenty to thirty minute (almost daily) custom workout has added an aching back and sore abs to my long list of gripes, but I'm willing to endure it. I know there's a trim young vixen under my skin somewhere. She detests these lovehandles and is aching to wear way-too-superlow jeans in public at least once. Unfortunately she has a soft spot in her heart for all you can eat Indian buffet lunches, which she gives in to all too often. Ah well, you win some, you lose some. I prefer to lose more, but pound for pound I'm still pretty happy with myself, and I'm still feeling as fit and slim as I've ever been. As long as the lighting is dim I'll wear those jeans, lovehandles or no.

While wasting time at work I sometimes stare out the window and think it would be nice if I had a sugar daddy and stayed home and watched movies and did sit ups and crossword puzzles and shopped and attended an herb garden all day long, with ample time to cook savory meals and gourmet sweet treats for my loving husband to enjoy after a hard days work. Then I remember that #1 - I do not have a sugar daddy, #2 - I would be bored silly with nothing productive to do, other than the above mentioned tasks, and #3 - I'm at work. Then I start to get really depressed thinking of all of the things I want to accomplish in life, or at least a list consisting of at least a few possible life accomplishments and many many quite possibly unattainable dreams. This list goes on and on and on and on since I am indecisive and fickle and can never make up my mind about anything, least of all my life, except with whom to share it with. I made that decision almost five years ago and haven't looked back since. Well, maybe a slight turn of the head once or twice, but it's been smooth sailing for my love and I for at least our whole "Chicago Life", despite appendicitis, a stolen car, a long distance wedding, debt, a broken toenail, cats, employment depression and a few extra pounds. Most of all I want to be happy, which I usually am, except for every few days at work when I look out the window and start thinking about my future, not that my future is going to be bad, but because I don't know what my future will hold and I am scared for what it will become, but not so much scared in a "oh-my-god-there's-a-man-wielding-a-knife-and-I-have-nowhere-to-run-to-in-this-dark-and-spooky-haunted-house" way, but scared in a "I-don't-know-what-I-want-out-of-life-and-I-don't-want-to-wake-up-when-I'm-50-and-realize-that-I-never-accomplished-anything-important" sort of way. I want to do so much, and I am terrified of failing. Failure isn't something I handle well, be it failed craft projects, cooking, relationships (especially relationships), dancing, decision making, even daily things like shopping. I hate buyers remorse. That means you made a mistake, and a mistake is akin to failure. It does not always = failure, but it can. Failing in life is my all time worst fear, other than being completely and utterly alone, or lost in a foreign country with no money, or falling down a large flight of stairs, or dying. I've recently been thinking about dying, not in a morbid fascination sort of way, but in a way that I am trying to cope with the fact that we're all going to die some day, and I have an increasing fear that I'll die before I do things I'm proud of, or that I'll be stripped of people I love before I can fully develop my relationships and experience life with them. So I stare out the window and think about things I would like to do, places I would like to visit, people I want to be, experiences I want to have, even things I want to own, before I die; lists which are always changing, but are steadfast in that they are always there.

Places I'd like to visit:
~ Hawaii
~ Paris
~ The Egyptian pyramids
~ Stonehenge
~ Ireland
~ Scotland
~ Easter Island
~ Africa
~ Japan
~ New York City
~ The Grand Canyon
~ Niagara Falls
~ Mexico
~ The Louvre
~ Rome

Experiences I'd like to have:
~ Pregnancy
~ Childbirth
~ Motherhood
~ Being on a cruise ship
~ Speaking another language
~ Running a marathon
~ Being loved every day
~ Building a snowman with my kids
~ Visiting a winery
~ Celebrating my 75 year wedding anniversary
~ Touching ancient ruins
~ Watching my friends succeed
~ Watching the sun rise on Lake Michigan again and again
~ Time with my best friend
~ Seeing my brother graduate college and get married
~ Seeing/Tasting/Feeling things for the first time. Forever.

People I'd like to be:
~ Faithful wife
~ Loving mother
~ Loyal friend
~ Travel partner
~ Chef
~ Art therapist
~ Floral designer
~ Beauty boutique owner
~ Grandmother
~ Wine connoisseur
~ Artist
~ Potter
~ Happy person
~ Healthy woman
~ Successful gardener

Things I'd like to own:
~ The deed to a house with a yard and a garage
~ A bikini
~ A successful beauty boutique
~ A pottery studio
~ Another college degree
~ A baby stroller
~ A sufficient retirement fund
~ A dog (or two)

My comment links are missing and I'm too lazy to try to figure out why. (edited 3:46: Oh wait, they're back.)

Countdown to next vacation:
5 months give or take

Impending boredom is narrowly averted this week with the addition of yours truly to a project allowing the use of one previously useless art degree. I sit in anticipation as I anxiously await the arrival of a brand spanking new Adobe Creative Suite Premium Package to be purchased especially for me and installed on my computer posthaste.

As exciting as this new project may be, I still find many means of wasting time online, and will not hesitate to put in two weeks notice should a new situation allow it.

5 Most Recent Frivolous Purchases (directly disobeying Resolution #3):
1. Chocolate Vivace lip gloss (A little disappointing considering how amazing the coconut flavor is)
2. Demeter Creme Brulee Pick Me Up Spray (Every bit as delectable as I dreamed)
3. An adorable little cowgirl magnet (I can't resist kitsch)
4. What Einstein Told His Cook, a book about kitchen science (This may actually prove useful, therefore not frivolous)
5. A future purchase this afternoon of some cosmetic product from Nordstrom (My coworkers and I are going on a makeup mission after work, and I can't be the only one leaving empty handed)

hyp·o·crite ('hi-p&-"krit) noun: (1) a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion (2) emily

Last night I buy this book and today I succumb to the wonderland-like weather and overwhelming urge for something sweet into buying an adorable, albeit huge, snowflake shaped cookie with white frosting and purple and pink sprinkles. It must have weighed at least three pounds, and was still the smallest baked good in the coffee shop case. This fact alone proves that gluttony is openly acceptable in our society. And I, participating in this unhealthy afternoon snack ritual, can continue to be labeled as truly "American." I fear that the massive snowflake cookie will be my eventual downfall. It was a very tasty cookie, even if it was larger than my head. I have no remorse.

January 9th is off to a good start: I found $1 in front of my car this morning, just before Craig found $1 on his way to the mailbox! Luck is in the air, mingling with the lake effect snow. It can only get better from here.

Resolution Update:

1. Get in shape: I have done my crunches, leg lifts and weights every day this week. Except yesterday when I ate a bag of M&Ms instead.
2. Be nice: I haven't openly said anything mean about anyone. At least that I can remember.
3. Budget: Don't ask.
4. Employment: See previous entry.
5. Adventure: I ate Thai last night, danced at a club last Saturday, and have plans to go out two nights in a row this weekend. That's adventure, I tell you.

I've applied for three jobs so far today. At this rate I'll have my pathetic pleas for employment on at least 50 desks by the end of the month. There has to be an opportunity for me in there somewhere.

Top 5 things I will to when I win the lottery:
1. Tell Craig "I told you so."
2. Quit my job.
3. Pay off my debt.
4. Give a considerable amount of money to charity.
5. Go HERE

Sunny, 2 degrees, feels like -16. Remind me again why I live here?

Top 5 reasons that today is no good:
1. See above.
2. The heat is not working in my office. It is 58 degrees and dropping as I type.
3. I have to go to the dentist today.
4. One of my favorite cosmetics has been discontinued and it not available anywhere.
5. The company that makes a similar product to the cosmetic mentioned above (my backup cosmetic) has gone out of business.

There are homeless people outside and I am complaining about 58 degrees, having healthcare, and not being able to buy my favorite facial powder. I'm going straight to hell. Unless it's frozen over and I'm already here.......

I have some serious issues with my precious overweight America. Over 80% of Americans over 25 years old can be classified as "overweight." This disgusts me. America revolves around the "bigger is better" thought, resulting in unnecessarily large cars, triple and quadruple serving sizes resulting in more pounds per capita than any other country, massive housing complex eyesores, and ever increasing personal debt. Fast and big. That's the American dream. It is terribly unfortunate that so many uninformed lazy people are killing themselves with saturated fat and unhealthy fad diets while buying bigger and bigger cars to carry their fat asses to Sam's club for 25 pounds of taquitos. Fad diet after fad diet, and 80% of us are still gigantic. I won't harp too much, but this whole no carb thing makes me sick. Sure it works fast with big results, but forcing your body into the starvation state is not a healthy way to live. Most people on this program aren't informed on how it is supposed to actually work. Forever eliminating carbohydrates from your daily intake is not good. I wish more people could see that. Now I'm not perfect, toned and slim and ready to wear a bikini, but I understand, at least on a basic level, how the body works and how to be healthy. Manipulating your body and tricking it into thinking you are dying is not a smart way to be healthy. Americans are stupid. I want to move somewhere people aren't so gluttonous. The whole of America is going to hell, I surely believe.

The best verbal exchange of the '03 holiday season:
"The best things in life are free."
"The worst things in life are free, too. You don't have to pay for cancer."

Happy New Year, Merry Christmas and everything else. I can honestly say that this year has been great so far....

The Holidays went off without a hitch (well, maybe just a hitchette or two) and I returned Tuesday to my cold and windy home relatively unscathed. Using a crowbar to pack our tiny VW with all of our goodies, we left our families in a frenzy to return home, only to spend the next few days frantically unpacking, cleaning and finding homes for our new toys. Our kitties were thrilled that we had returned; I could see in their eyes that they thought we had left them forever. They just can't get enough attention now that we're back. No matter what we do, we'll always have the love of our pets.

In my family the purpose of the holidays is to over-consume to the greatest extent. This includes purchasing all manner of frivolous items for anyone you've ever met, over eating as much as humanly possible, and not ingesting a single sugarless food item from roughly December 20 through January 2. I am proud to say that I have upheld this family tradition quite nicely. If only my pants and my credit card bills were as forgiving as our pets, I'd be in good shape.

So it goes, a day late I start my New Year Resolutions:
1. The Universal New Year Resolution: get in shape. This will be accomplished by limiting my fast food and unhealthy snack intake, exercising on a regular basis (once a week is still a regular basis, mind you), and taking the stairs whenever possible. I might also start riding my bike when the weather lets up.
2. To be less judgmental, less critical, and more accepting of others. I've been working on this for some time, and will begin chanting a silent mantra whenever I'm tempted to be nasty if necessary.
3. Stick to my monthly budget. No more frivolous purchases......within reason. Note: makeup, kitchen gadgets, food and clothes are NOT frivolous.
4. Find better employment. At first this requires waiting on my part on the applications I've sent out in the past two months. If nothing comes through by the end of January, a full blown search will begin.
5. Be more adventurous. Thanks to Craig, I've decided that this wouldn't be such a bad thing. Spur-of-the-moment has not traditionally been attached to my middle name, but I'm willing to work on it.

It's the holidays and the end of 2003. As we end probably the most important year of my life I have to sit back and think about all of the things I've learned. I am happy to share my wisdom with the masses:

My 20 most important discoveries of 2003:

1. Pumpkin cookies are not good.
2. Chicago is damned cold.
3. It's easy to lose weight when you have food poisoning as a starting point.
4. Weddings are only one day. Marriages are forever.
5. A marriage is hard work.
6. Marriage is wonderful.
7. Cats will do whatever the hell they want to when you're away.
8. A pain in the abdomen does not always mean appendicitis.
9. Having your toenail ripped off hurts like hell.
10. I have a lot to be thankful for.
11. You never know what you have until you almost lose it.
12. Good friends and family are valuable assets.
13. It's ok to change.
14. Money is the devil.
15. Never ever let a new hair stylist give you a drastically different haircut.
16. I am capable of more than I think.
17. Jeans for short people really do exist!
18. It's healthier to be happy and poor than rich and miserable.
19. Life is expensive.
20. Mojitos.

To add insult to injury, I have a sore throat today. I don't get a new job, instead I get a new cold. This how life works for me. I'm drinking my chicken bullion, I'm going home at noon to rest, and I plan to be up and running tomorrow for a marathon day of eating, drinking and being merry with my coworkers, to be followed by the beginning of a driving expedition half way across the country. My coworker has been sick for two weeks, my boss looks like he wants to die, the head of our sister department is also dreadfully ill, and now, with two days to go until I'm off work for two whole weeks, I contract their sickness. Fantastic. If I was putting in my two weeks I wouldn't mind so much. It would be sort of ironic. But now that I know I have to come back after the New Year to the same ole same ole, it's just an insult that I would get sick. It figures.

Song stuck in my head: Just Like Heaven by the Cure

I shed a tear or two, and am now ready to admit defeat. I didn't get the job, but was assured that I was an impressive candidate who's resume will be passed on should another position arise sometime in the near future. I'm not going to scream or pout. I am just worried about my employability. I don't like to settle for things. I don't want to end up 50 and working the same low paying, low responsibility job.

Maybe 2004 will bring something better my way.

I made the official transition to my clean blank little black 2004 datebook. I feel a little empty, like these blank pages are just waiting to be filled. (There's that damned uncertainty again.) I feel like this step should be symbolic of bigger and better things. New Year and all that. Fresh start, new lease on life, new opportunities, fresh experiences. Only time will tell.

Tip of the day: Don't count your chickens before they're hatched, even if there's only one.

Employment Update, Day 9: So I finally broke down and called the hiring manager at 3pm yesterday afternoon. She was on the other line so I left a message. I left work at 4:50 (my building closes at 5:00 during the holidays, so I have to shuffle out of my office a few minutes before) and get to work this morning to a message she left for me at 4:59pm yesterday. So I call back at 9am today and hear a message that she is out of the office until 2pm today. God love it. You know, I just about want to scream. All of this whining and pouting must sound pretty petty and silly, but I have been turning myself inside out for the past week. I seriously may have an ulcer forming. Maybe they'll just go ahead and hold out until after New Years to help me battle those holiday pounds. Anxiety burns mega calories.

In other news, I've finally decided to put down the mixing bowl and turn in my baking rights. I can finally admit it, I just can't bake. I am stubborn, can't follow directions, don't like to measure and hate to have boundaries when it comes to working in the kitchen, so baking is naturally a disaster for me. I tried to make fudge over the weekend and ended up with a thick gooey grainy mess. Not even my husband would eat it. We both wanted it to taste good, but after going back a fourth time we decided it had to be laid to rest. Baking and I just aren't meant to be together. Now I absolutely love cookbooks, but I look at recipes as starting points, as a basic guide which I am free to liberally alter. I can add an extra ingredient on a whim, or leave out something if I so desire. Now, if you pull the old switcheroo on ingredients or amounts while you're baking, you end up with crap. (Nothing can substitute for baking soda, that Splenda sweetener is not a good replacement for the real thing, and canned pumpkin is not a good additive to sugar cookies.) My last two attempts at making sweets have been miserable failures. There is a reason there are no recipes for pumpkin cookies, so I should not have tried to make one up. And I don't know what went wrong with the fudge. Of course, I tackled a complicated recipe for my first attempt at fudge making, so maybe that was the problem. Start with the simple, work up to the complex. Didn't I learn that when learning how to throw pottery? Why can't I apply it to baking? Oh well, my loving husband will just have to be the baker of the family. I'll stick with savory meats, veggies and starches. I will make you a feast, and Craig can make you the dessert. (Unless it's apple pie, which is the only thing I have ever baked well, and will continue to make until I die.)

I love the kitchen, and the kitchen is usually pretty good to me, though some gremlin is let loose when I open the sugar jar. Well, no more I say. I'm giving up on something, only for the second time in my life. (The first time was a chemistry class in college. Maybe these two failures are related?)

My god. I don't know how much longer I can wait. I keep thinking "today will be THE day" but noooo. I must go home deflated and ulcered only to face another anxiety ridden day tomorrow. Will I be eating out tomorrow night for comfort? or celebration? or will it even be tomorrow? I can't handle this uncertainty. I am a rock, built on stone set rules and schedules. The rest of this year is a mystery. There is no comfort in that for me. I don't like surprises.

Cajetan: patron saint of job seekers

I love pregnant women. They are just too cute. If I could be in a perpetual state of pregnancy, I might do it just for the attention. Except that everyone wants to touch pregnant bellies, and I don't know how I feel about that. My belly is off limits to anyone but me at the moment. But maybe it's different when you have a baby right there. My coworker is pregnant, and the process just fascinates me. I can't get over it.

Still waiting for my new job. My fingers are cramping from keeping them crossed all weekend. Please just let me know!!!!

Tip of the day: When you get back to your hard wood floor apartment above me at 4:30am Monday morning, take off your high heeled shoes.

4:32 no news. i checked the phone, and there's a dial tone, so that's not the cause of the delay. maybe their building burned down. maybe they're drafting up a congratulatory speech. maybe they're ordering me flowers. or maybe they offered the position to the mystery candidate. this weekend is going to suck not knowing the details of my future employment status.

i am emily's childish lack of patience.

"It seems to me now that the plain state of being human is dramatic enough for anyone; you don't need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone." Nick Hornby, How to Be Good

Work is not a good place for me today. I wish I had remained in bed, which is where I will settle as soon as I can get home. At least it doesn't smell like bacon grease here. Frasier is blasting from the tv behind the counter. I hate that song. I went to get a slice of pizza, and it was nearly frozen by the time I walked back to my office. It is about 1 and 1/2 degrees outside and my toes are still cold. I wasn't invited to the Women's lunch today. I didn't want to go anyway, but I still feel left out. No phone call from admissions yet. I miss my friends. I wish I had been invited to the Women's lunch. Everyone here hates me. I HATE THAT SONG.

My stomach is going to orchestrate a violent attack against me if I continue to mistreat it so. It's only a matter of time. I will never again combine pate and crantinis. And vodka, and wine, and rare tuna, and whatever those little filled pastries were. But really, how much fun could a Christmas party be if you don't have a throbbing headache and nausea the next day to remember it by? The Greatest Husband in the World made me bacon for breakfast, which fast settled the party that was still going on in my tummy, but smelling noxious pork fumes an hour later makes for an unpleasant experience. The leftover liquor in my blood mixed with thick bacon air and the anxiety of waiting to hear if I got this job is not a good combination. Granted, this is all self-imposed suffering, but suffering none the less.

Highlight of the night: A horse drawn carriage ride around our city and seeing my husband sit on Santa's lap.

Souvenirs of the night: A terrible hangover, a bra shaped purse and a cowboy pig piggy bank.

Tip of the day: All of your coworkers will remember you being a belligerent drunk at the Christmas party. Keep that in mind when ordering your fifth martini. And don't call everyone "Fukker".

Interview #1 on Tuesday went well. So well that I received a phone call a mere 4 hours after meeting with my possible employers, inviting me back for a second interview on Thursday (today.) This position carries more responsibility, a fantastic change of scenery, a bigger office, a bigger paycheck, an actual salary instead of an hourly wage, and a more professional environment. Today I am to meet with 4 new people who will determine my immediate employment fate. On Tuesday I was told that they were moving fast and wanted to make a decision by Friday (tomorrow) on who they want to fill this position. Wow. I had no idea things would move this fast. Now, I was also told during my phone call inviting me back that "This is a good thing. Not necessarily THE thing, we have another highly qualified candidate, but we are very interested in you." Not THE thing. Ok. But I still can't help getting overly excited about this, and I have already started planning my January calendar accordingly. I'm quite sure they're lying about the other candidate. My two weeks notice goes in on Monday, last day officially the day after Christmas, be back home on Monday the 29th, first day of new job possibly Friday, January 2nd, 2004. Of course, this is all speculation. Of course I can't get too giddy. But I feel confident that I look too cute today for them not to hire me, if only for office adornment. :)

Drug of the Day: Pepto Bismol for my butterfly laden stomach.

Breakfast of the Day: Stale cheese popcorn from the 25 pound tin gifted to me by a group of happy patrons. Good for my stomach, I'm sure.

I'm all about numbered lists lately.

5 reasons that I am looking for a new job:

1. I want to make the transition from hourly to salary.
2. I need more responsibility, challenges, stimulation, workload....I'm serious, I want to be busy.
3. I want room for advancement.
4. More money. I need a raise.
5. Change of scenery. I'm bored.

My 10 favorite things about today:

1. I wasn't too late to work today.
2. I got to eat ripe strawberries in December.
3. I accidentally ran across an old friend's e-mail address. I e-mailed her.
4. My very best friend told me I'm one of the only people in the world who can make her laugh. I always thought she was just easily amused, but it turns out that I'm actually funny.
5. My hair isn't too frizzy.
6. At least 4 people have said "I Love You" to me so far.
7. I discovered my favorite vanilla lotion in the bottomless depths of my tote bag. I thought it was gone for good.
8. The grapefruit I left in my office all weekend was still good enough to eat for lunch today, and I still had enough sugar to eat it with.
9. I found $5 more in my wallet than I thought I had.
10. All of my bitching and moaning has payed off and I landed a job interview for tomorrow!! Wish me luck!

I am in a perpetual state of anxiety waiting to hear from possible employers while trying to maintain a cool demeanor at my current workplace, which I am failing miserably at. I've been secretively yet desperately trying to bail out for more than two months, to no avail. It is obvious that I'm ready to leave. I've updated my job manual, even printed it into a tidy neat little book. I've finished all major projects that I've been putting off since being hired here, and have delayed the projects that I have no intention of ever completing. I just don't care. They can't fire me just because they know I'm looking for employment elsewhere, can they?

I have the easiest job on the planet, and isn't that a desirable position to be in? To be able to spend 85% of your workday doing personal things? It's been nice, being able to freshen up on my online shopping skills, to be able to read the newest headlines every hour, and I have found myself subscribing to all sorts of daily e-mails. (Word of the day: soupçon.) I am way overpaid for what I actually do, but tragically underpaid for what I am capable of giving. I'm intellectually wasting away to nothing working here. I need stimulation and challenges. The most stimulation and challenge I get at this point is reading and filling out e-mailed surveys, which have been thankfully plentiful lately.

7 THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
George Bush
Rich girls in Porshe SUVs who illegally park in handicapped spots
Electronic Music
Atkins
People who don't use apostrophes correctly
Ignorant stupid people
Bills

Oh, and my job.

Almond m&ms are the devil, the DEVIL, I say!

Happy late birthday to Craig, happy late birthday to Craig, happy late birthday to Craaaaaaiiig, did you like the balloons?

Today I am thankful for: Coffee and gummy strawberries.

I'm totally ready for job interviews. SOMEBODY PLEASE CALL ME!

I keep feeling like my financial situation is a terrible math word problem.

If Jack and Jill have a variable monthly income of X, fixed monthly bills of Y, variable monthly credit card bills of Z, an outstanding debt of Q resulting in J number of total payments, owe P per month on their car loan, eat out L times a week spending M on each outing, buy H number of plane tickets per year costing between R and T, and have $3.52 in their savings account, is it possible to survive month to month?

X - {Y+Z+P+[(LxM)x4]+{[(R+T)/2]xH}+(Q/J)+3.52 = I sure as hell hope so.

Why is it that we look forward to holidays spent with the family for weeks, only to stress out and over analyze so much that we fail to enjoy the time for all that it's worth? Or is that just me?

I can't wait until I have Thanksgiving at my house.

I found an outfit, or rather outfits, for my holiday parties. The world is as it should be. First one on Thursday and I'm ready to party.

Highlight of Thanksgiving '03: I'm not kidding, I loved seeing Elf.

Yeah, so I'm not as Susie Homemaker as I want to be. I mutilated my old Homecoming dress last night trying to turn it into the perfect quintessential holiday shirt. Now I have beautiful merlot colored scraps of satin. I might have enough to make a small camisole of some sort, but now I'm scared to touch the sewing machine again.

So on goes my never ending search for a versatile holiday top that I can recycle for three consecutive cocktail parties this year. I have wraps and pins to disguise it, to alter it the tiniest bit for each event, I just need the top! Damn shopping. I have been on this quest for weeks, but to no avail. I have less than two weeks (with Turkey Day and my trip to VA right in the middle) to find this perfect (hear angelic singing in the background) shirt. Not that this is really that important.....there are starving kids in Afghanistan and Africa who need food more than I need new clothes. But it's just the thought of finally finding this elusive item that is keeping me going.

craving of the day: unagi maki

tip of the day: this Thanksgiving don't eat pink translucent turkey.

pet peeve of the day: people who use an apostrophe S ('s) to signify pluralization rather than ownership.
wrong: our dog's do tricks.
right: our dogs do tricks.
wrong: my dogs water bowl.
right: my dog's water bowl.

highlight of the weekend: a tie between the talented elephants at the circus and finding both the perfect pair of jeans and boots.

i'm going to learn how to knit. and i'm going to make those trendy little knitted flower pins. i'm becoming more and more domestic as the days roll on. i need to find ways to distract myself from my failing attempts at finding a new job. i do this by cooking, shopping, and now crafting. we'll see how it works. i promise not to knit toilet plunger covers or clothes for those ceramic ducks that people put in their yards.

i am registering for a psychology class at NU that starts in february. i'm going to re-read my intro to psych textbook to prepare. i am pretty excited about this. wish me luck.

i still haven't received a phone call regarding my dozen or so applications i sent out, but i have a few good outfits picked out for interviews.

nobody reads this except my ever loving husband. but just in case somebody else ever does.........i'm here.

if i ever have something important to write about, i have a quality (and fashionable) space to do it.

"People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say."

best.......quote.......ever

i keep expecting things to change. i keep expecting something BIG to happen. and i still wake up every morning and come to work and do nothing. i got a new cabinet in my office yesterday. i spent the rest of the day putting things inside of it. i'm spending today admiring it and reorganizing the things i filled it with yesterday. this is a totally legitimate use of my paid time and in many ways greatly benefits my department, i'm sure of it.

career path of the day: art therapist

there is an eerie rolling fog outside my office window today. it is extremely unsettling, and it reminds me of a terrible nightmare i had the other night about death and war. in the middle of the night things always seem more real and more intense, and when i woke up from my dream scared that i was going to die, i couldn't go back to sleep. in my dream i was ready to kill myself rather than die from outside causes (war) but when i woke up all i could think about was how i wasn't ready to die and was scared to death (no pun intended) about death.

i've been trying to think about what that meant, and what i am supposed to be learning from that dream. maybe i'm supposed to be appreciating life more. appreciating my friends, family, good fortune, etc. maybe it's a sign that i'm not on the right path in life. if you are scared of death, scared of everything ending, scared of no more chances, does that mean that you haven't accomplished everything that you were meant to? when i've experienced all the little things and made all of the impressions i want to, will i then be calm and collected when i wake in the middle of the night thinking about dying?

or maybe it was just a nightmare caused by eating too much hot sauce and drinking too much vodka that night. i also had a dream once that i gave birth to a cat. ??

"Thank you for interviewing for the position, but I regret to inform you that you are too good for us, and we have filled the position with someone less qualified than yourself, though more qualified to fill our demanding poor-paying position, who will fortunately be oblivious to the fact that they're being short changed and overworked, and won't have the intelligence or motivation to leave us as soon as something better pops along. Please accept our best wishes for luck and prosperity in all of your future endeavors."

"P.S. - We were very impressed by your word-of-the-day knowledge and were flummoxed by the idea that such an intelligent and overachieving person such as yourself would be lowering their standards to interview for such a shit job."

i've recently discovered that i am a creature of habit. i'm lying, i always knew this, but i just recently found myself able to admit it out loud. i get into a routine of online shopping, depending on daily naps, eating too much, eating chocolate, etc, and i just can't stop. then i get really thrown off when i can't follow that routine. i have recently really upset myself by leaving my credit card at home, bringing a lunch consisting of v-8 and an orange with not a single sweet thing in sight, and letting my lunch hour slip away without taking my daily 15 minute nap.

so i went shopping last night, and today i give myself plenty of time for my nap at lunch, bring a york peppermint patty to satiate my sweet rotting teeth, and a nice well rounded lunch. after all of this careful planning i am appalled at some new library employee sitting in my...MY...lunch seat. everything is thrown off and i am lost. so i become engrossed in my book and find myself occasionally glaring at this girl and eventually wind up admiring her tupperware with a convenient little compartment in the lid for a fork. how cute is that?! i must get myself one. shit. 1:15. lunch over. no nap and a crushed peppermint patty in my purse.

so here i am with a newfound tupperware admiration and sleep-deprived candy cravings. at least i ate so much at lunch that i am now bloated and groggy. i need some stimulation.

no. of jobs i've applied to: 11
no. of calls i've received: 1

you know, the job market is really tough right now. and it took me months to get to this point, to have enough gumption (ding ding ding: word-of-the-day usage!) to even decide that i needed to start looking, so I should be patient. maybe the fact that i subscribe to a word-of-the-day e-mail will intice possible employers to hire me. i'm banking on the fact that it will. i'm goint to start using words like salubrious and abstemious in my cover letters.

i've got my shoppin' shoes on and i'm ready to roll. if only 5:00 would hurry the hell up.

loehmann's, with their famous communal dressing rooms, is home to an endless array of great deals. my mission: black dress pants for upcoming holiday parties, a cool belt, and anything else that strikes my fancy. i am coveting a pair of "perfect" jeans, but i am slowly losing faith in the fashion industry to suit my figure. unfortunately for me, the average pair of jeans is not made for a 125 lb 5 foot tall gal with lovehandles. the search continues.

as much as i love loehmann's (and similarly daffy's back home,) i am continually struck by the oddity of the communal dressing room. these high scale bargain outlets demand that you strip in a mirror-lined room under harsh fluorescent light in front of countless frantic shoppers trying not to reveal too much, or adversely standing buck naked staring at a dress on a hanger. why?? i just don't get it. these stores pass themselves off as "clothing bargains for millionaires", so you'd think they'd at least let their classy customers try on their marked down DKNY pantsuit in privacy. maybe it is for security so the $60 tee shirts don't get stolen. or so people will be deferred from trying on the panties against their naked bums. or maybe they assume that anyone desiring expensive brand name labels is beautiful and nobody will mind watching them get undressed. but i can tell you, everybody is most definitely NOT beautiful. when overweight russian grandmas are bending over in front of me showing off the seams of their girdles, i want to rush through my trying-on process at 100 miles per hour and get out. not to mention the women wearing inappropriate underwear. competing for mirror space with sweaty chubby women wearing undersized thongs is not conducive to a casual contemplation of the sweater i'm trying on. but maybe that's the point. make everyone get nekkid in front of each other, so they speed through the dressing process and make rushed decisions on their items, buying more than they would if they had the time and privacy to stand in front of ther very own mirror bending every which way, scrutinizing every inch of the article of clothing they're wearing.

i think i'll run home before my shopping spree and change into bigger underwear.

muahahahaha:

Octopus can't hide his desire: Field researcher 1st to document invertebrate erection

By John Biemer, Tribune staff reporter, Published November 12, 2003

As the Field Museum's Dr. Janet Voight watched a male octopus get rebuffed in his attempt to mate with a female, she noticed something striking: One of the sea creature's eight arms was longer than usual.

This was noteworthy because the two-spot octopus uses the tip of one tentacle to pass spermatophores, or tubular packets filled with millions of sperm, to females during mating. Later study concluded that the arm was engorged because it contains erectile tissue--the first documentation, scientists say, of an invertebrate erection.


The discovery seems to demonstrate an evolutionary quirk that unites man and mollusk, said co-researcher Dr. Joseph Thompson, a biology professor at St. Joseph's University in Philadelphia.

"Here's an example of two very different organisms, mammals and octopuses, that do not share a recent common ancestry, but both have settled on a similar solution to a common problem," said Thompson, who specializes in morphology and physiology.

Though research on the subject is still in its beginning stages, understanding how that erectile tissue works on an animal so different from mammals has an outside chance of helping to reveal a potent chemical for control of blood pressure, or a new Viagra, Voight said. The study appears in a recent issue of the Journal of Zoology .

However, unlike in mammals, the two-spot's tissue is not continuous with the reproductive tract, because for octopuses it's located at the end of its modified tentacle. Still, the tissue in the ligula, the organ at the tip of the octopus' mating arm, has similarities with that on a mammalian penis.

Erectile tissue is defined by its ability to inflate. Penises and the two-spot octopus' ligula both have abundant blood vessels, large internal cavities divided by networks of collagen fibers that provide the support to constrain the distended organ so that it elongates rather than simply growing larger.

However, humans and octopuses have different means of controlling blood flow to the tissues, said Voight, an octopus specialist, and the octopuses may have a distinct blood pressure control chemical.

"Because octopuses are so very distantly related to humans and this character has arisen separately, there could be a radically different mechanism controlling it," she wrote in an e-mail Tuesday from a research vessel from the Pacific Rim, off the coast of Mexico.

"It might be a long shot," Voight concedes, but studying such mechanisms could potentially lead to a new medicine to combat erectile dysfunction in humans.

Dr. Greg Bales, a urologist at the University of Chicago Hospital, called the phenomenon "intriguing" and worthy of further exploration. "Perhaps there could be a translation into a human model," he said. "How plausible that is, I think it's difficult to say."

The erectile tissue is not common to all octopuses, Thompson said, but appears to have been developed as a survival trait among some species. The ligula is bright white and does not have the color-changing cells that allow two-spots to blend in with any background. Because the species hunts during the day, the white ligula could attract predators, so the ability to contract it may reduce the risk.

Scientists say octopus mating habits are difficult to observe, so many aspects are still clouded in mystery. In some cases, females will prey on males. In the case of the frisky male in the Texas tank, the "female was literally fighting him off and in the end, he bit and envenomed her," Voight wrote. "I won't go into the details, but I separated the two at that point."

things i am thankful for:

my husband (he rules)
a handfull of really good friends
sushi
my kids (my cats)
being employed
underwoo
lake michigan
basil
pumpkin soup
my slow growing toenail
wine....

Not thankful for my damned aching tooth. damn that tooth and the $300 it will cost to fix it. damn damn damn.

is pink still the new black? i can't decide.

does anyone know how i can stretch my pants out? too-short jeans look really stupid on short people.

how fun. comments (0). i think it's time for a color change to represent my current state of limbo. maybe yellow. if only i spent as much time enhancing my employable skills as i do figuring out random useless things like this, i'd be golden.

i can't decide if i am really ready for this whole new job thing. i keep getting attached to dream jobs that i've blown up from listings i've seen. i've applied for these dream positions, and am waiting to see what comes of them. an ability to wait is definitely not my best quality. i am perhaps the most impatient person i know.

craig and i went to the graveyard behind our house yesterday, and i think i caught a cold. i can't wait to get our pictures developed. the goal was to take photos of select statues for a triptych to go in our apartment. that might seem morbid to some, but i think it will be beautiful. the detailing on some of those monuments.....you just don't see that anymore. the same goes for just about anything. modern consumerism is based on the swifty and thrifty. quality detailing just isn't the norm anymore. this is why i am drawn to old things. i'm an antiquophile. (i'm not sure that's a real word, but i couldn't find a substitute.)

Everything is bass ackwards today. I can't decide what is going on. Either the weather has everyone acting crazy or it is just my habit of overanalyzing situations again. It was nearly 80 degrees yesterday and is 40 today. I don't get it. And I don't get how I have a college degree but can't find a job I am qualified for. I want to give up. I'm destined to make peanuts for the rest of my life. I'm not good at anything and I have a terrible work ethic.

Poor pitiful me.

nevermind. it's sold out.

this is the second time in a week that i have waited too long to buy something and it's sold out. :(

someone should buy this for me

it was a long weekend, but a good one. my parents were visiting and we had a good time. we ate almost constantly, and my pants are tight this monday morning, but it was fun dammit.

my interview went well, very VERY well, but once again, i'm not going to take it. they want to pay me 25% less to do 100% more work than i am required to do in my current position. eh, no thank you.

eh.