I love to cook. We all know this. I love to cook so much, that whenever I'm feeling anxious, sad, depressed, irritated, annoyed, frustrated, angry, upset, or just generally antsy, I cook. Being in the kitchen, handling food, making up recipes...it relaxes me, gives me something to center on, calms me down. I love the kitchen, and I love my pots and pans and wooden spoons and gadgets and timers and my tiny blow torch. I have a deep love for fresh ingredients, homemade stocks and soups, time-intensive complicated recipes, aprons and potholders. And I love being a snob about the kitchen, snubbing microwaveable meals and canned soup. Hypocritically, because it is in my nature to be so, every now and then I fall in love with a time saver, even though I make fun of and criticize them constantly.

So here it goes, a short list of "cheats" I can't live without:
1. I love those no-boil lasagna noodles. No boiling! One less pot to clean! No slimy starchy noodles to handle!
2. I also love 5 minute jello. It's instant dessert! Add a little banana, whipped cream, toasted almonds, and it's gourmet.
3. And I love, love, love instant rice. I'm a little more ashamed about this one, but when I'm trying to get out of the house to get to work on time a little instant rice, chicken broth, and frozen peas make a great quickly prepared lunch.

As much as I hate to admit it...I love them all and they are staples in my kitchen. I will still slave over a stove for spaghetti sauce and chicken soup, and my instant rice will never replace the other three or four varieties I always keep on hand, but it will never be absent from my cabinet, either.

Has anyone tried the limited edition Chocolate Truffle York Peppermint Patties?

To. Die. For. I'm gonna need some bigger pants.

I recently received an e-mail from the sister of an old friend of mine, giving me the link to tons of photos of her brand new baby girl, Leslie. The child is painfully adorable, and made me shed a tear for the simple beauty that is life, and that incredibe immeasurable happiness she has brought into the lives of her new mom and dad. One of the photos captured my old friend and her now 2 and a half year old son, who I haven't seen since he was less than 2 months old. He has turned into a real little person who walks and wears cute little pants and uses his hands and has hair! I haven't seen this old friend for almost two years when she did my hair for my wedding, and haven't spoken or heard from her in more than a year since she stood me up for a Christmastime lunch date. As I reflected on this and looked at how much both my old friend and her sister's lives have changed since I saw them last, I shed another tear, this time for friends lost. I have a fascination with change and life moving on and tend to reflect on it every couple of months or so. Seeing how fast life has changed for these two women since I've lost contact with them was just the catalyst I needed this time.

My internal clock also did a little jump and flutter as I looked at these two little people, and the happiness they have brought their families. Hubb and I are growing closer and closer to being "family-minded", catching ourselves making mom and dad-like comments, jokes and reflections more often than we ever have before. Don't worry, we still have a couple of years before we're financially ready to spawn, whether we think we're emotionally ready or not. Until then, we have the cats.

Monday marked the 6 year anniversary of the day Hubb and I met, and this Sunday marks the anniversary of our first date and the day we decided we were a couple. It's amazing how fast time has flown by, and how much fun we've had along the way. We've had our Ups and Downs just like any other couple, but recently things have been Up Up Up. We knew pretty early on that we were a pretty good match, and despite anything I've ever uttered during emotionally charged arguments and differences of opinion every now and then, I've never questioned the perfection of our relationship. We're going out to dinner Sunday to celebrate Us, and though someday we'll stop celebrating every milestone in our relationship except for our wedding date, for now it gives us a much needed chance for a date. And it's always fun to celebrate. Yay for us! Go us! Ok...sappiness over.

A couple of notes:
Last night: Solo show: Colin Meloy of the Decemberists. Going out! On a weeknight! It was a thrilling show, despite the thick cancer smoke filled air that is still making me cough today. The second act, Shelley Short, is an absolutely beautiful and amazing musician with a voice like chocolate. I actually had goosebumps at points during her set. Colin was great, funny and banter-full. I'm usually pretty skeptical of break-off solo shows, but Colin was pretty good. The paltry four and a half hours of sleep I got last night were totally worth it.
Friday: Dinner and gossip with the coworkers! Yay!
Saturday: Oh my god I can't wait...SPAMALOT!!
Sunday: Celebratory date with the Hubb. *swoon*

Things I love today:

Sarcastically:
1. Falling down in the hallway, spilling my coffee all over the floor and myself, scuffing my Favorite Shoes, and bruising my knee.
2. Blogger being retarded and slow and unavailable and erasing my entries before posting them.
3. Feeling all cute in my red wool wrap, only to be called the "Caped Crusader" by two different people independently.
4. Indegestion.

Really:
1. Nobody in the hall to see my tumble to the floor.
2. My new icon. (Thanks, Hubb!)
3. Still feeling all cute in my matching outfit.
4. Leftover Thai for lunch...again.

Shitcakes!!! I wrote a painfully long entry here, only to misfire my keyboard and erase the entire freaking thing. Fuck it.

I hate today.

Having visited my doctor four times in the past month for overdue tests, exams and shots, I have learned the following:

1. I weigh 5 pounds less in my doctor's office, fully clothed, than I do at home, buck naked. One of our scales is wrong, and I hope that it's mine.

2. My usual barely-alive blood pressure went up each visit, to an almost normal level of by visit #4. Maybe I won't be lightheaded as much if I visit my doctor more often.

3. I'm not anemic, hypoglycemic, hypothyroidic, nor do I have high cholesterol, though I may possibly be on the verge of becoming a hypochondriac.

4. When my doctor says, "You need (insert test, shot, or exam here).", she means she'll take care of it right then and there. No waiting. Which is nice.

5. Learning Spanish before my next visit might be helpful.

6. Co-pays can sure add up.

7. I may have carried some germs back from the office to my unsuspecting husband who is home sick in bed today.

Times, they are a changin'. It's getting colder (bitterly, painfully cold), I'm getting busier and more stressed at work, I'm honestly exercising and eating better, and really truly getting my financial act together. Really. Truly.

To prepare for future carlessness, Hubb and I walked to the grocery store on Saturday to help get into the habit. It was a nice walk...cold, but nice. It felt like we really earned our groceries as we hiked them back home through the 10 degree air. I've been working on staying warm without upping our gas bill any more than we already have, with fires, tea, blankets, and plenty of snuggling to help us through the cold and dark nights (and mornings). Nothing is warmer or nicer than snuggling. Except maybe snuggling in front of the fire with a blanket and a nice warm cup of tea. And the kitties. *sigh*

In an unusual change of habit, Hubb and I stayed in almost all weekend, preparing every meal we ate in our own kitchen. A normal weekend usually consists of eating lunch and snacks on the go in between outings, and dining out at least once for dinner. Eating every meal at home this weekend, I definitely notice a difference in the way I feel. Much healthier. Much happier. And more money in my wallet.

Part of the weekend in was devoted to discussing our financial future, scrutinizing and discussing our bills, and making adjustments where needed. We are in the process of fixing and selling our car, which will eliminate car payments and minimize insurance, we're scrimping where scrimping can be done, and have a new plan to move on and up in the world and eventually buy a home to call our very own. Someday we'll own a car again, but I'm actually really looking forward to being carless for a while. If only just to prove that prissy high maintenance emily can do it. I can do it, I tell you.

I just celebrated my 6 month anniversary at my new job last week, and will be having my review shortly. Things at work are moving up and on, and I see a big change in the way my department is run within the next 6 months. I'm gaining responsibility, which is good, but am being left to my own devices on projects that I might need a little help on, which is not so good. But I can work through it, and if I have to clock some overtime, so be it.

It's halfway through January and I have yet to attempt one of my resolutions of being more creative. I'm reading more cooking books and have successfully attempted a few new recipes in the kitchen, but the paintbrushes and beads and yarn have stayed dustily put. I need a gentle push to get me started, and I'm thinking this weekend's financial discussion might just be that push. There will be no more underwear shopping anytime soon (except for the Isabella annual sale in March...I'll eat less for weeks just to save for that one!) so I'll need something else to keep me occupied. Maybe I'll take up knitting again...if I can gather up enough patience for it.

Even though I'm not shopping I still have a wishlist, which I will share:

1. A cast iron dutch oven, skillet and chicken fryer. Still on the list. I can't believe I don't have these yet, as much as I love to cook.
2. A new bed, queen size please, so Hubb's long legs don't place his feet off the end. New sheets unfortunately accompany this wishlist item.
3. Now that I own the Nigella Lawson salt pig and am able to caress the curves and admire the shape daily, I have a total uncontrollable lust for the mixing bowls.
4. These boots. Still.
5. 180s earwarmers. Totally practical since I don't wear hats for fear of crushing my wave. I know...I know...I'm a priss.

Ok, so I should officially throw away my credit cards and erase my Discover card number from my head because I am a shopoholic and I can't stop buying crap that I don't need. Wait, I take that back...I do need it, just not in the basic survival sense, but the psychological desire sense. And oh my god how could I pass up Dirty Girl underwear? I mean come on! How freaking cute. It's only like my favorite bath and body line EVER. And they were on sale. Like half off. I totally had to have them, so shut up.

So I purchased some "Shredders" brand beef jerkey because it promised to be "Fun to Eat!" but instead feels and tastes much like bark mulch. For some strange reason I can't stop putting splinter after splinter into my mouth. The salty freeze dried protein slivers are addictive, and in handy bite size pieces to boot. Ok I seriously need to stop, or else I might throw up.

Speaking of snacks, I'm recently on a huge date kick. They're really really good. And they're loaded with potassium, protein and iron. Mmmm...dates.

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Exciting Weekend Moments: A List

1. Shoveling out car (see below), spending the day out and getting the same parking spot after dinner, despite not having a folding chair to save it with. The parking gods were on our side.
2. Finally making the decision to sell the car. 2005 is the year to be car-free! (Which could mean 2006 may be the year to buy a condo!!)
3. Successful attempt at Cioppino, a fish stew. Definitely a staple in the recipe rotation.
4. Witnessing alley-snowboarding on the way home after drinks Friday night. Fully entertaining.
5. Polishing and protecting previously-deemed-ruined boots to a newly restored state.


Upsetting Weekend Moments: A List

1. Shoveling out the car while people flew down the street spraying me with salty black slush. I love the courteous people in my neighborhood. They're swell.
2. Car check engine light goes on. Then off.
3. Putting away Christmas. Now the apartment looks empty, un-festive and dull.
4. Anchorman. I'm sorry, but it sucked.
5. Discovering water damage in the storage closet on our back porch. Lovely.

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1/2 day off work, freshly painted nails, a tummy full of homemade split pea soup...I feel much better now. Although coming home at lunchtime does have it's downside: fewer busses. Granted, I get a seat and don't have someone's crotch in my face the whole way home, but I had to wait 20-30 minutes in the cold pelting snow...twice. First for my bus, and the second time when I got off the bus to get on the blue line at Chicago and discovered that they were shutting down the stop due to a gas leak. So I waited a good 20 minutes for a cab or another bus, whichever came first, and it happened to be the bus. Not many cabs out that way in the middle of the day.

But I made it home to an UNSHOVELED front porch (arrgh) and had a nice relaxing afternoon watching Good Eats, snacking on leftover sweets and giving myself a french manicure. I also experimented in the kitchen with a pumpkin tiramisu of sorts...we'll see how that turns out tonight.

This snowstorm we're having has made me realize and question the fact that I don't own a pair of snow boots. I don't exactly know how I live in Chicago and don't own the proper attire. Cute shoes don't cut it when there's a foot of snow on the ground and countless slush-puddles to wade through on the way to the train. I found these this morning and fell in love: (yes, they are by Caterpillar, which makes them ever the more cool)

But alas, due to a recent overpurchasing of underwear I can't justify buying them, so instead I've ordered a pair of $20 rainboots. They're functional, just not nearly as fashionable. Or awesome. (I wear a 6-1/2 in case anyone wants to send me a late Christmas present.)

Hubb is working late, so I think I'll pamper myself some more with a bath and a nap. And more split pea soup.

I'm feeling incredibly down today. Why?

1. I'm terribly exhausted for some reason. I got up a full hour late.
2. My back hurts from shoveling stupid snow on my front porch because,
3. the people who live in my building are lazy and selfish and wait for the smallest person in the house to clear the 5 tons of snow off of the walkway.
4. I bit my cheek three days ago and it has yet to heal.
5. (deleted)
6. I think street salt may have ruined my shoes.
7. I just may be coming down with the stomach flu my entire office has had this week. My head hurts and my stomach is just a little bit off. But I might just be hungry.
8. I'm not going to Hawaii this spring anymore. Money is such a terrible thing sometimes.
9. I spent too much money at the Victoria's Secret semi-annual sale. Bad emily. Bad, bad, bad.
10. I threw away a perfectly soup-worthy turkey carcass last night, and am still racked by guilt over it.

I think I just need a couple of hours to a day of reflection and self-healing. In the form of a nap.

Entire islands are just gone. Vanished. An estimated 200,000 people could be dead, every one of them somebody's child, mother, father, sister, brother, best friend, husband or wife. Millions of others are displaced, nowhere to go, nowhere to sleep, not even a pair of shoes to their name. No money, no food, no possible way to begin recovery without help from strangers.

I can't even imagine the loss the survivors are feeling...people who had barely anything to begin with have lost absolutely everything: their homes, their food, their clothes, their loved ones. I can't imagine the grief and pain being felt while standing in line, waiting for a juice box sized container of water to share with the one child out of six that didn't perish in the flood, fighting malaria, not knowing when food will be available. The survivors of this disaster need all the help they can get, and even with worldwide efforts it will never be enough.

I've done enough bleeding on this screen, though I know I could go on and I feel that I should. Help in any way you can.

In the spirit of tradition:

My 25 Most Important Discoveries of 2004:

1. Living in the city isn't half bad. In fact, it's all good.
2. Credit cards are evil.
3. Some things are totally worth the wait.
4. I can be happy doing almost anything, as long as I am appreciated.
5. Pointy shoes are fun.
6. My hair really wants to be curly and it looks better that way.
7. Grinding your own meat is totally cool.
8. Gin.
9. It's awesome being a grown up.
10. A little love goes a long way. (same goes for sarcasm.)
11. It's hard to be the bigger person sometimes, but it's almost always worth it.
12. Good friends are hard to find, and sometimes hard to keep.
13. Busses aren't all that bad.
14. Having a boss you respect makes the job all the more bearable.
15. Sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut.
16. It doesn't pay to be selfish. (I'm still discovering this...it's a work in progress.)
17. I can bake!! ...a little.
18. Pecan pie is very very tasty and I really should have just let myself keep thinking I didn't like it.
19. It's ok not to have an itinerary every once in a while.
20. It's easy to let things go.
21. Baggy isn't flattering.
22. Marriage is still hard work, and it's still wonderful.
23. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks, but it's not impossible.
24. Life is more fragile than I'd like it to be.
25. Everyone is always changing, including me. And that's a good thing.

My Holiday summed up in song:

12 + hours driving
11 rest stops peeing
10 bags of presents
9 family members
8 hours of sleep a night
7 days away
6 stops for tolls
5 gift exchanges
4 bottles of bubbly
3 couples pot luck
2 days of recovery
after a drunken New Year's Eve

Being at home was great, seeing my immediate family, receiving my grandmother's china and crystal (yay dinner parties!), spending time with the in-laws, seeing friends...eating waaay too much ham...it all went by so quickly. We passed through some terrible snow in Ohio heading out, which extended our drive a bit, but we made it safe and sound, just $30 poorer from all of the damned tolls. Hubb finally got a burr grinder and a turntable from his ever-expanding wish list, and I got my new Better Homes and Garden's 75th anniversary cookbook, Napoleon Dynamite, and about 7 extra pounds on my midsection. Hubb and I also got matching kitty cat tee shirts, some awesome coffee and lots of wine accessories. It was a highly successful Christmas, and lots of fun was had by all.

We returned last Tuesday afternoon, to unpack and reorganize the house to hold all of our new booty, which included emptying our "china cabinet" (a 1930's armoire in our dining room) to hold my grandmother's old china and crystal that has been handed down to me. I spent the rest of the week shopping, trying not to eat, doing three hours of dishes to clean the dust off of the crystal, and preparing for our New Year's Eve party. I started in on the wine before our first guests arrived to calm my nerves, which proved to be quite a mistake. We had a few couples over for a potluck dinner which went swimmingly, then others arrived for drinking and snacking until midnight. I got a little too liberal with the gin and the champagne, and don't remember anything after about 11:30, except for falling on my ass in front of our guests and emptying my stomach on the bedroom carpet. Apparently 3 glasses of champagne at a time do not sit well for me. Hubb was an exceptional host, whisking me off into hiding before I embarrassed myself too much, entertaining our guests until the wee hours and cleaning up.

So, needless to say, I am slightly embarrassed at my over-imbibing, but am happy to hear that all present had a good time at our little get together...since I don't remember most of it. I was told I was a "cute" drunk, whatever that means...I felt real adorable when I fell on the floor, I tell ya. I think we'll definitely do it again next year, and maybe I'll go a little easier on the wine. I may be ready to drink alcohol again by then.

So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and welcome back! It actually feels nice to be back at work again today after nearly two weeks off, and I'm eager to get back into a normal life routine. My stomach is still angry at me for eating like shit for a week, eating uber healthy for a couple of days, then trying to poison it with alcohol, but hopefully it will forgive me soon. At least I'm already losing that couple of pounds I gained by eating Christmas ham for 7 days straight.

I have the Best Hubby Ever. He got me a brand spanking new meat grinder/sausage maker, the Nigella Lawson salt cellar, and a huge box of kosher salt. Is he cool, or what? I have honestly been dreaming of this salt cellar for months. It is beautiful, and it's mine! All mine!

So, if anyone has any great sausage recipes, toss them my way, because I will be experimenting in the new year. My kitchen is nearly complete now. All I need are the Nigella Lawson mixing bowls and a second oven.

Oh my god I wish I was my step-mother this Christmas. I got her the BEST box of chocolates EVER. I preach and I preach about health then I go and buy everyone sugar. That's me being a hypocrite. Again. And for my diabetic coworker: sugar free Godiva. Who knew that existed? I can't wait to give it to her. I'm sure she will be thrilled.

Why do I have to be so grumpy and anti-social right now? It's Christmas, dammit. I need to get out of this funk and into some cheer. Henceforth I will attempt to cheer myself up with good news.

Good news: My friend Cinnamon is making me a purse. This purse, to be exact. She brought over some fabric swatches last night and we discussed size and linings. I am thrilled and honored that she is so excited to work on this for me and I can't wait to show it off!

Good news: I've stopped gaining winter weight and have leveled off at an acceptable poundage. I'm feeling more and more inclined to pull out the yoga mat, and am looking forward to a couple of days off after the holidays to get back into a routine of muscle toning.

Good news: I'm finished with my Christmas shopping! Woohoo!

Good news: I have discovered frozen puff pastry sheets. I made a yummy salmon/spinach thing last night, and have about a billion and ten recipes in my head for the leftover frozen sheet. Salmon and feta, chicken and tomatoes, mozzarella and basil, apple and caramel, mushroom and spinach, pear and mascarpone, pork and apple, beef and mushroom, cheese and cheese, ham and egg and cheese, the list goes on and on. Three cheers for puff pastry!

Good news: I get to go home in three more hours.

Good news: Napoleon Dynamite is released on dvd tomorrow. Gosh!

Fun news: I was hit on at the grocery store by a chef. He saw me buying ladyfingers at the bakery and he said, "Homemade tiramisu?" and I said, "Yeah," and he said, "That's hot." and I teehee-ed and smiled and have felt really cool for like two whole days.

I've been feeling overly bloggy the past few weeks. I believe my slow workdays have something to do with this.

So it looks like the storm was just a 1/2 inch of snow on Saturday. Still, bitter cold reminded me of why I miss Virginia. Not that is doesn't get cold there, but it very rarely gets into the single digits before Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm just barely ready for it this year. There is some more wrapping and a teensy bit more shopping to do, and the 18 degrees that wait for me outside are making me rethink my lunchtime jaunt to Marshall Field's. But alas, today is the last shopping day I'll have before I leave for Virginia, so I guess I'll just have to wrap my head up in my scarf and run. I lost feeling in my butt this morning it was so cold.

I'm excited to see my family this week, and Hubb's, but I'm getting more and more down as Christmas day draws closer. I keep feeling that my presence isn't as important at my father's house as I'd like it to be, and considering I only see my family twice a year, that makes me incredibly sad and depressed. I'm probably just being selfish and silly. I've always had issues with jealousy, with my friends, family, and loved ones, and I can't ever seem to shake it completely. Yet another sign that I need some therapy.

Lunchtime shopping begins now. Although I am an admitted shopaholic, I get more pleasure out of buying for others than for myself. Especially when said buying includes chocolate. Truffles await.

It looks as if a bitter arctic storm is looming, threatening our weekend plans of finishing the Christmas shopping and getting together with friends. We may end up snowed in, forced to cuddle together in front of the fireplace with mugs of warm spiced wine. Darn.

I'm having a little bit of Christmas anxiety today, stemming from viewing my current credit card balance and thinking of Christmas gifts we have yet to purchase. I'm so bad with money, I like to buy too much for people during the holidays. It makes me nervous. I need a glass of wine.

I'm also getting anxious about New Year's Eve. We're having a few people over for a potluck dinner, and a few more over later in the evening for drinks and the countdown, which is a guest list that keeps growing and growing. I'm not worried about the number of people because we have plenty of space, just having enough booze and glasses to serve everyone without breaking the bank. So if you want to come to my house New Year's Eve, the more the merrier. But bring a bottle of champagne, and don't laugh when you are handed a juice glass or a plastic champagne flute. We're doing the countdown on the roof, weather permitting. Should be fun.

I'm sort of afraid to eat breakfast today due to the martini, g&t and glass of wine I ingested at a holiday party last night. This is becoming a worrisome routine, being slightly hungover at work on Fridays...but it's the holidays so screw it. I came home last night to an empty apartment again; Hubb was working late for the second night in a row. I was slightly sad at the party because I was dateless, but after an adorable gay man gave me his phone number my mood greatly improved. I just might call him next time Hubb is working into the wee hours of the morning, if only for a martini drinking buddy.

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I keep going back to this, but I want to make it clear that I am a total hypocrite. And an asshole.

But I feel much better after I've vented, and in order not to drive my friends and husband batty, this is the venue for my venting. I think that most of the reason that I dwell on my co-worker's diet habits is that I care about them. I am part therapist listening to horror stories of shopping in the plus-size department, and then part jerk when I comment on the Frito consumption. I need to get over it. I think I need more therapy than this weblog can provide. And anti-asshole pills.

So my PayPal has been hijacked and I keep getting e-mails saying I've added an e-mail address to my account, and sending me receipts for payments I didn't authorize. I'm in touch with the PayPal authorities who promise I am not being charged and my account is still secure, but the e-mails are frightening me something fierce. The last one said I paid $279 for some phone thing. I assure you I do not need a phone thing, nor would I be spending $279 for a phone thing right now. Sometimes I really hate the internet. It sometimes drives me to drink.

I think I may take a long walk outside today, now that isn't almost above freezing. I need a little bit of exercise, and some fresh air would do me good. Maybe I can release some of this anxiety and fear and asshole-ness and come back refreshed and happy and calm and ready for the dinner my boss is hosting at her house tonight. Needless to say, I'm nervous about that, too. It would be freakish if I weren't. God damn I need a glass of wine.

I found it: New Year's Resolutions for 2004. How did I do?

1. Get in shape. Nope. Well...a little bit. I am slightly more svelte than I was last year...even getting back down to my pre-college weight for a few days during 2004. I have nearly eliminated all fast food from my diet (nearly, not completely), I exercise occasionally...I rode my bike at least 3 times...but as noted in my previous entry, I'm packing it back on just in time for the last few days of the year. I give myself a 50% with a chance for further improvement.
2. Be less judgmental, less critical, and more accepting of others. Yes and no. I've learned to forgive others, ignore faults, and accept people for who they are, but the critical thing could still use some work. I give myself a 65% for this one.
3. Monthly budget. Don't ask. Probably a -10% if you must know.
4. Find better employment. Finally! 100% accomplished! For those of you who new me last year, you know that my employment search was a nightmare, and in July I finally made the move. I couldn't be happier. Unless I was independently wealthy. And in culinary school.
5. Be more adventurous. I'd say 85%. I moved into the city (gasp!), got a new job, tackled New York City and stayed out past midnight at least a dozen times in 2004. If that's not adventure, I don't know what is.

2005 is the year to be Awesome. And repetitive. And awesome.

1. Get in shape. See Universal Resolution from last year. I'm not worried so much about my diet, as I normally make a point to eat pretty healthy anyway. It's more about exercising. At least a little bit.
2. Be less judgmental, less critical...blah blah blah.
3. Cut up credit cards, give up shopping online, no more shoes, no more cosmetics or bath and body products, no more decorations for the house, no more kitchen wares, no more pyjamas, underwear, sweaters, camisoles, scarves, hats, socks, no more books, purses, chatchkas...oh my god 2005 is going to suck. But seriously, being in debt sucks and we want to buy a house someday, so I vow to spend more money paying off loans and less on new crap. The wedding and the car will be significantly paid down by 2006. Or else I'll be making the same damned resolution for the third time next year.
4. Be more crafty. I've been ignoring my creative side (other than in the kitchen) practically since college, and it's time to get back into something, anything that will help me blow off steam and make my mind work in different ways. Projects, projects, projects. Time to pull out the sewing machine, the glue gun and the paintbrushes. And Hubb and I WILL paint the canvas that has been sitting in the corner of our living room for 6 months.
5. Be less controlling of my kitchen domain, and let Hubb do some cooking. Wine drinking will be a necessary part of this resolution, as well as doing crafts to keep me occupied. Two resolutions in one! 2005 is also the year to multitask!

There are a few weeks at the end of each year when I begin to make the transition to a new datebook by carrying around the old one for immediate appointments and reference, and the new one for future engagements and notes. The prospect of change is exciting to me in that I have a new bright clean blank slate to work with, void of scribbles and white out and receipts stuck in the pages. It is intimidating to me in that I know I will soon be putting the old book, with all of the notes and ideas and phone numbers and appointments, away in the darkness of my closet only to be tossed in the trashcan the following year. I used to carry both my datebook and a little spiral bound notebook with me everywhere, but this year I am combining the two. So until the first of January I carry three, the old datebook, the old sketchbook and the new date/sketch book. The transition from two to one will be difficult, even more so as I browse through my old sketchbook trying to decide which bits of information to transfer to the new book. This is a sensitive and arduous task, but it must be done.

This past year has delivered many surprises, many happy moments, a few upsetting ones, but was a pretty good year all around. I'm working on my second annual list of what the past year has taught me. Stay tuned for that one.

I really need a journal rather than a blog...

This week is going by so incredibly slowly I can't stand it. I feel like each day is Friday, but I'm sadly mistaken when I look at the calendar. Damn the people in my office who thought it would be a good idea to have the Christmas party on Monday night...it's messing with my internal clock!

I've been finishing up the Christmas shopping this week during lunch, venturing into the cold and wind...working on the lake is providing flurries each day, which adds to the Christmasy feel and makes me smile, chapped lips, frozen cheeks and all.

Walking to Michigan Avenue yesterday brought me by a park filled with unusually fluffy puffy pigeons all fattened up and cooing and huge. It made me smile for some reason, probably because I compared their rotund little bellies with my own, as I pack on the annual extra pound or two for protection against the elements. I don't mind it so much this year, which is strange.

16 days left in 2004 and I've completely forgotten what my resolutions were last year. I guess that's a good thing, as now I have no clue whether or not I've accomplished anything. This year I'll write them down. Maybe I did last year?? I'll have to browse back through this thing and check.

Oooh...I'm off to the Indian buffet with my coworker. I'm obviously not saving up calories for Christmas.

It's no secret that I simply adore cooking. I live for preparing meals. It relaxes me and invigorates me and cheers me up all at the same time. And I am incredibly lucky to live with someone who lets me have free reign over the kitchen...my kitchen. Hubb has his responsibilities around the house, some of which I grudgingly hand over (being the fireplace king) and others I hand over willingly, thankful for the fact that he lets me have my cooking. Hubb eats anything put in front of him, and has only twice questioned the edibleness of a meal (both of which were experimental meals and were well deserved to be questioned.) As a food and cooking fanatic I couldn't ask for a better husband.

But sometimes I feel incredibly guilty at the control I demand over our meals, like I am depriving him of the same thrill and enjoyment I hold so dear when I am creating things in the kitchen. Am I setting him up to fail when I am gone someday? Am I enforcing some sort of dependency on me by being the primary meal preparer? It's not that Hubb is totally helpless in the kitchen, he makes a damned good pot pie and is perfectly happy with Kraft Mac and Cheese on occasion. It's just that I know how happy I am at the chef's wheel and I feel terrible for hogging it all.

I say all this and at the same time I know that I could never totally give it up...but I'm willing to hand over an occasional meal or two. I feel a New Year's resolution coming on: Work on giving up control of the kitchen once in a while. I can already see that this will be difficult. I may need to stock up on wine to get me through it.

Two posts in one day?! What in the world has gotten into me?

It's one of those days that stretches farther than I'd like it to, slowly slowly slowly at a snail's pace, taking pause at everything, sleepy and yawny and freakishly nappy and all kinds of other make up adjectives. Maybe it's my headache and maybe it's having something to look forward to do tonight and maybe it's just because it's Friday with little work to be done. Either way, I've read all the blogs/journals/websites I care to, painstakingly scrutinized lines of html code to find an error in my template, started a new experimental blog, took a walk, cleaned my desk and organized my datebook. And it's not even 3:00.

I don't like to be specific about who I am on this thing, and I definitely don't like to post photos of myself, but there's a great photo of me and my firstborn kitty Eva that Hubb posted the other day. You should check it out because it's really nice. Eva is the grey one.

I ate some yummy pasta for lunch which looked like it was in an alfredo sauce, but I think it may have been pure butter. I ate alot of it. I feel incredibly gross and yet so much better at the same time. And I am more than ready for that nap now.

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5 things I really like today:

1. adjectives
2. marinated cherry tomatoes in my alfredo (buttery) pasta
3. red shoes with matching underwear
4. payday
5. my boss

A late night full of drinking, drinking, drinking, little if any eating, dancing and arguing has left me hungover, sleep deprived, sore and grumpy. I want to throw up, go to sleep and scream all at the same time. Ugga blah poo. Ick.

Things will get better for me. In time. Maybe at lunch when I gorge myself with a burrito or some other equally fattening and calorie laden meal that my stomach needs and my lovehandles don't. God I wish we had a carafe full off bloody marys (bloody maries?) in my office instead of coffee. And an entire extra large sausage pizza. Cold.

So last night I watched a couple dance who were not a couple but danced as if their bodies were totally made for each other. It was amazing and I sat in awe with a dumb smile on my face for a full half hour watching these two people spin and sway and make gorgeous movements across the empty dance floor, obviously smitten and not at all hiding my shame at being a rythmless white girl. I shed a tear it was so beautiful, which led to the argument, being emotional and drunken and probably over critical of Hubb's dancing ability and why can't we do that and I want to do that and why can't we...which led to arguing about arguing which we do when we're tired and fed up and bored with where the previous argument is going. Hubb and I rarely fight, but when we do we get stupid about it and analyze every little word and tone and phrase that come out of each other's mouths until we forget what we're arguing about and just argue for the sake of arguing. Then we fall asleep in each other's arms. Which is nice. It's always good to have a little fight every now and then, if only for the vast appreciation we have for each other when we wake up with in the morning.

That said, I have an amazing and wonderful and thoughtful and loving and incredible understanding hottie husband. He rocks. I think I'll keep him.

I got a large chunk of Christmas preparation shopping done, and am still in shock at how gift bags and tissue paper and gift cards can add up. I always get these wonderfully crafty ideas for Christmas gifts and then kick myself repeatedly during the two weeks before we head home as I scramble to get it all done. This year I thought I was being clever and making things easier for myself, but no. This is not the case. Next year everyone is getting Omaha Steaks. Except for the herbivores. They can have fruit.

This is becoming more of a journal than a blog entry, but I don't care. Though headachy and nauseous, I have random things floating around inside of my and I feel like they all need to be put down here. Now.

I keep thinking of an image of a toddler wearing a black turtleneck, black pants, black sneakers and hipster glasses, and it makes me giggle each time it pops into my head. Where this mental image came from I have no idea. Maybe it's my internal clock starting to tick combined with my love of fashion, I don't know. I can't wait to have a baby so I can make my mental image a reality. Children: little people you can play dress up with! I wonder if they make baby fishnet stockings? THAT would be cute.

You can play PacMan online. That is awesome.

So I've been writing this entry for an hour and half now, getting interrupted by (gasp!) work, of all things. Sheesh. Don't they know it's Friday?

I have also been sidetracking myself with thoughts about where I will go for lunch. With less than 4 hours of sleep I didn't have the mind nor the time to pack any food this morning, save for an orange which I have already consumed. I've been constantly hungry since I arrived at work this morning, despite eating a ham and cheese sammy for breakfast (thanks hubb, my hangover food chef), and then half a bagel and an orange for a "snack". I'm on the way to Holiday weight gain, my friends. Fattening up for the dreary Chicago winter, I am. Now I can't stand it anymore. I'm off to lunch. Bye.

I'm still recovering from the madness that was our trip. Bronchitis and a pulled knee kept me home on Tuesday, and in a medicated sleepy coma yesterday and today. I can barely think let alone write a thrilling tale of my adventures. Words that do not come so easily to me on a healthy sober state are failing me right now. I'm feeling much better, and hopefully will be more so by tomorrow night, the start of our Holiday Festivities at the first of many Christmas parties. I have the little black dress, new shoes and new "designer" handbag (thank you New York City!) and I'm ready to party...almost. I just need to finish getting over this last hump of exhaustion with a good night's sleep and cough up a few more huge globs of ickiness and I'll be just fine. With the help of a few holiday cocktails, of course.

I started my Christmas shopping after work yesterday, but the rest of my list is really stressing me out. I know what I'm getting most people and where to get it, it's just a matter of going out and assembling everything and getting over the guilt of pulling out the credit cards again and again. And there are always those 2 or 3 people who I draw blanks for when thinking of gift ideas. I'll think of something. I have no choice. I had a pretty successful run last night, however, stumbling upon the perfect gifts for almost 5 of my family and friends. Hurrah! And I surprised myself by purchasing a pair of uncharacteristically emily fishnet stockings which I plan to accompany one of my holiday party outfits. I feel a little naughty and it feels good.

Now for some photos. I had an amazing time and give my whole hearted thanks to everyone who entertained and housed us during our trip, both family and friends. (And friends I think of as family!) Now, less talk and more pictures:

The Brooklyn Bridge from an accidental amazingly awesome view. Finding our way to the water from Chinatown was interesting, but the the trek was totally worth it.

The B-Bridge part 2. Brooklyn attached to Manhattan island by bridges.

Central Park on a beautiful yet previously rainy day. The sun came out just for us.

C-Park part 2. Mazes of paths and bridges and rocks and ponds, I fell in love with Central Park and it's serene vacation from the bustling streets.

The museum which happened to be closed on the day we visited. D'oh!

Blurry Liberty at Sunset. The most amazing view I could have hoped for. And the most deadly winds I could have done without. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't hold the damned camera still.

I am quite proud to boast that I had the NYC Subway system totally under control. We didn't get on the wrong train, go the wrong way, or miss a single stop once while gallivanting up and down Manhattan. The colors, letters, and numbers baffled me before we left, but I quickly mastered them to get our full 24-hours worth of NYC.

Boston is a city with so much rich history, we had to make a trip to a graveyard. I found it fascinating that circa 1800 gravestones portrayed skulls and images of death while the circa 1900 gravestones of my recent Chicago Graceland Cemetery concentrated on peace and life.

Sunset in the sky. On our way home with an incredibly peaceful view.

And we're home.

It feels good to be back home. Despite my body's attempts to ruin my trip with a killer head/chest cold and a tricky bum knee, I had the most amazing vacation. Family, friends, animals, cities, shopping, sightseeing, eating. It was a whirlwind of excitement that I will never forget. I'm tired and sick and limpy and I'm going to take the rest of the day off and part of tomorrow to heal and be healed. I have many amazing photographs documenting our trip, and I promise to post some soon.

Remind me to tell you about the meat grinder at the Boston Court House and reminiscing in the same pub I ate at almost 8 years ago. And making soap with my 6-1/2 year old niece who turned around and tried to sell it to me. And the thrill (and selfish middle child thoughts) that I'll have another little niece or nephew sooner than I expected. And the most beautiful (and most windy) sunset I've ever encountered, and the $8 hat that produced a sunny sky. And the quarter in Central Park and the man who put puttanesca on the menu, and discovering that cold medicine and beer don't mix. And my dog's twin in New Jersey and surviving Times Square traffic and finding pizza at the perfect moment. And french fries for dessert and Chinatown becoming my favorite place on earth, at least for a day. And not finding a single pair of shoes in Soho and sipping pear brandy in a German bar. And liquor stores that close too damn early and being vegetarian and not even realizing it. And seeing more animals than humans and rediscovering friendship and love and missing my family and friends so much. And most importantly realizing that I'm changing for the better with each passing season.

I had more fun in a week than I can tell you, and New York and Boston were thrilling, but I'm glad to be home. I think I'll always love my own bed in Chicago the best.

I will be off shortly to finish packing for my Virginia/Maryland/New Jersey/New York/Massachusetts Thanksgiving Adventure (said in a booming monster truck show announcer voice) and with the exception of a possible sporadic post between now and the end of my trip, will resume talk of shopping, wine and work related woes when I return.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

5 Things I am thankful for this Holiday:

1. My wonderfully thoughtful and loving husband.
2. My large, eclectic and incredibly generous families.
3. My kitty children, Eva and Stella.
4. Holiday sales.
5. Mini Twix bars.

How does one narrow down one's shoe collection enough to pack for 10 days and still fit clothes in the little tiny carry on suitcase? This is one of the most difficult decisions I've had to make in a long time. So many choices, so little space!

As I'm packing I realize that almost all of my clothes are black, white, and red. At least I've introduced the red to my black black black wardrobe. I don't always look like I'm dressed for a funeral anymore...

This year Thanksgiving it at my parents' house, and I'm super excited. Last year was the first year I've ever been away from my family on Thanksgiving, and it threw me into a tiny little frump because Thanksgiving went on without me. The Hubb's family was more than welcoming, my mom-in-law even letting me make the mashed potatoes and apple pie for dessert, but I missed my blood (and non-blood) relatives back at home. My family is huge, so Thanksgiving is always on Thursday, and I'm wondering this year if Hubb's family will wait to have the big meal until we arrive on Saturday since they are a small group. I kind of hope that they do, so we can have the family celebration and the turkey and the gravy twice. I'm really lucky to have such a huge extended awesome family.

My boss has announced that we can all leave early today! So I'm off at 3:00 to finish packing, try to find something green or blue to add to my suitcase, and "cook" dinner via the telephone and a carry out menu. In a rush to clean out the fridge, we're left with nothing for dinner tonight. Oh well, start the gluttony early, I say.

I had a panic attack last night as we planned a small leg of our journey: our 24-hour NYC stay. I was freaking out at the complicated and unfriendly tangle of a structure that is the New York City Subway System, the extensive list of sights we would like to see, and the limited amount of time we have to see them. Hubb and I are basically on the same page with our priorities, but I, always the pessimist and always the planner, want to put down ground rules and equations for how to handle differences of opinion while in the big city. I really need to work on being more flexible. I'm also having trouble realizing that our vacation is going to be expensive. It IS our big holiday splurge, meaning we aren't going to be shopping for ourselves while we are on this trip. No shopping. Oh my god.

I woke up late today, fiddled with my hair for 40 minutes, did my makeup in 3, changed at least a dozen times, and still arrived to work on time. I lifted myself out of the terrible mood I was in by drinking two cups of coffee and e-mailing my two girlfriends who will be part of our Thanksgiving journey. I miss having girlfriends like them around. I have Chicago girlfriends, but not girlfriends I can talk so openly to and laugh at bad jokes with. I don't have a Chicago girlfriend I can be totally unselfconscious with, sitting around in our underwear drinking ciders and Arbor Mist while we talk about sex. A girlfriend I can eat fried cheese sticks with while we talk about how we're watching our weight. I miss that.

I'm getting a touch of the winter holiday blues this week, as I prepare to see my family and my in-law family and my friends and introduce myself to a few new places. Every holiday season I go through a period of feeling down, missing people I probably won't see, anxious about people I will see, worrying if I will get the chance to see other people, and reflecting on people I fear I will never see again. I guess I'm at a stage in my life where friends and extended family are growing apart, going their separate ways, living their own lives as I am doing here. This slight depression always goes away, but as it sits in my head, my heart, and my stomach I just want to stay in bed and cry both in happiness for the people in my life and sadness for the people who have left me.

5 People and a dog I'm seeing this Holiday, and what I miss the most about them:

1. My dad. I miss the way he tightly hugs me at random moments and sighs deeply so I know that he misses me terribly. It always makes me feel incredibly guilty, but I miss it anyway.
2. My brother. He's about to be finished with his first semester at my alma mater, and I couldn't be more proud. He's changed so much in the past year, I feel like I don't know the real him anymore, but I miss being around him learning about his life and who he is. Even though I don't know a lot of the simple things about him, I know he's turning into an amazing person.
3. My mom. I miss her. Period.
4. My friend, Alex. I miss the way he makes Hubb and I feel like we're the most wonderfully amazing couple ever. I will always feel indebted to him for introducing us, and I miss his witty debates.
5. My two girlfriends from college. I wish I was seeing them together instead of a day apart, and without our men, because I miss the way we get drunk together and laugh at silly lesbian jokes.

The dog. My 12 year old dog, Chester. He will always be my dog, even though he lives with my dad and step-mom. My old bed is the only one he's allowed to sleep on in their house and he always falls asleep with me when I'm home. If the door is shut, he sleeps outside of it if he knows I'm in there. I love my Chester dog and I miss him and his hyper Addison's medication induced personality painfully.

For work I participated in a Myers-Briggs type indicator test, to discover I am an INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging personality type): INFJs "seek meaning and connection in ideas and relationships, and material possessions. Want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. Conscientious and committed to their firm values. Develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. Organized and decisive in implementing their vision." It was interesting to learn all of my co-worker's personality types, most of whom I had previously correctly pegged, and unsurprisingly enough, my two favorites are INFJs, too. INFJs rule! So I get to sit here for the rest of the day, trying not to make and continuously revise lists of what clothes I need to pack for our upcoming trip, and reflect on my "vision" and "meaningful material possessions". Like shoes.

Hubb and I put away the pumpkins and decorated the house with stars and red and green and wreaths this weekend. Although there is definitely a holiday feel about our apartment, we didn't exactly go all out on the holiday decoration front this year. We are sticking to the basics this time around, preferring minimal handcrafted "holiday" decorations to glittered and bejeweled Santa/reindeer/angel "Christmas" ornaments. We aren't even putting a tree up, not even the 8-inch midget tree complete with itty bitty tiny ornaments that graced our mantle in 2003. Considering we will be out of town for at least half of December this year, I think we did good.

I am getting more and more into the holiday spirit, especially as we put together our always huge Christmas list. This year a large part of my family is participating in a group charity gift instead of buying each other things we don't need, and that makes me happy. First of all, that's less that I have to shop for. Secondly, we'll make someone very very happy. Thirdly, it makes me feel darned good. And isn't the holiday supposed to revolve around good will and happiness anyway? For everyone else on our list we're working on gift baskets, which I absolutely adore putting together. It makes a little bit more work for us as we calculate and shop and plan what will match each person the best, but it's so much fun. I like complicated gifts.

Two of my coworkers are sick, just in time for me to catch something terrible before I leave on Thursday morning. I'm downing vitamin C like candy, and I think I'll have some chicken soup for lunch just in case. Please think healthy thoughts and send those vibes my way this week. I've been sick every Thanksgiving for the past 5 years. I desperately want to break that cycle.

I'm proud to report that this weekend was free of any shoe purchases. (patting myself on the back) In fact, it was free of any clothing purchases at all! This is a big step for me, no matter how pathetic it looks. I need to find a way other than shopping to celebrate. Wine will do.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've been lying for the past two and a half years. I always say that I can't sleep if Hubb isn't lying next to me, but I was totally wrong. Last night Hubb was gone and I slept like a baby. I slept for 8 hours straight, only waking once for a sip of water, and I haven't felt this refreshed in ages. It felt great, and I'm feeling slightly guilty and ashamed for admitting it. Not that it has made me miss him any less...I'm still thrilled that I'll have a warm body next to me again tonight. Other than the cats. They don't spoon so well.

I am also ashamed and upset to admit that I can't stop buying shoes. It is an addiction that I just can't seem to shake, and I fear that Hubb will stage in intervention once he gets back tonight to find that I am two pairs of shoes richer than I was when he left. But they were on sale! They were a great deal! They're so cute! I don't own other pairs like them! I'm totally busted, as I have run out of room in my shoe tree for my new footwear, and the new shoes have no home other than the middle of my closet. I think I need to start snorting coke to help me kick this shoe habit. It's getting really bad. But I have new pink ballet-style comfy work shoes and an adorable pair of rust colored moccasins. Hubb specifically said no more "pointy" shoes, so I didn't deviate from the ultimatum all that much...

I was thrilled to be asked by a coworker this week to help plan a dinner party, and as we visited the gourmet grocer today and my coworker asked me a million questions about the proposed menu and purchased every item I recommended, my day was totally made. My ego was being stroked every which way and I absolutely loved it. And as we walked away from the meat counter I was complimented on my new pink shoes. I nearly swooned into the olive oil display, which would have had terrible consequences had I knocked the gold-plated bottle of extra-virgin-holy-grail-fountain-of-youth olive oil onto the floor. I think they would have arrested me on the spot or cut my arm off to pay for it. Seriously, who needs a $200 bottle of olive oil? Not I. Despite my repeated coaxings, the coworker didn't think he needed it, either.

I'm obsessed with reading the lists on McSweeney's lately, and keep laughing out loud as everyone looks at my inquisitively or asks "What you laughing at?" all accusatorily like. My favorite: Pork and the High-Anxiety Alphabet.

The sofa, she is mine, all mine!! Well, she will be all mine in about 10 weeks when she's finished being upholstered. So much for having a grown-up living room in time for New Year's, but at least I'll be quietly lounging in style come Valentine's day sans crappy futon-esque creaking. Woohoo!

Today Hubb is away and I'm leaving work at 1:00 to let the fix-it man in to repair water damage in our bathroom and a few holes in the livingroom wall. It will be nice to have a few hours of down time at home this afternoon, but I wish my Hubb could be there with me. I act like he's gone for months and months when he'll be back by dinner tomorrow night. I guess that's what happens when you're madly in love. Today is the same as any other day, but knowing that he's on an airplane makes me miss him terribly. I don't know how military wives stay sane.

While getting dressed and made up this morning I was appalled at the terribly noticeable bags and dark circles under my eyes. I was prompted to inspect them by a coworker telling me that I either looked like I didn't feel good or was tired for the past week. And by George, I sure do look both. I guess it's the change in season and the business of work finally catching up with me. It's kind of sad, but I'm a little bit excited that the Hubb is away and I can go to sleep at 8 tonight. Hopefully my eyes will thank me.

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Yeah, so, once upon a time I was young and pre-hormonal and only moody when I was tired or hungry. Then I grew up and became a "woman" and get to be moody when I'm tired, hungry, alone, with a group of people, shopping, cooking, getting ready in the morning, naked, clothed, at work, at home, and on vacations. And sometimes just because it's Wednesday. And now I get to live through days at a time when I can't stop eating even though I have no appetite, and when I can't decide if I want to cry, laugh, scream or kick someone, and suffer through all kinds of other nonsensical oxymorons of emotion. No, I'm not pregnant. I'm actually quite frightened to see what emotional stability will be left of me once I'm with child.

Fail-safe methods of pulling me out of a funk:

1. Shopping for underwear
2. Andes mints
3. A tall glass of wine
4. Flowers
5. Leave me alone in my kitchen with a recipe book and a fridge full of food

I became totally distracted this weekend by the overwhelming desire for a real, sturdy, solid couch instead of the futon we pretend is a couch, so I'm on a mission: save enough money in the next month in order to purchase a couch before a possible New Year's get-together. I may need to adopt a second job, sell my body, or have a GIANT bake sale to make this happen...or I can just stop buying shoes. Which will be difficult. But dammit, I want a new couch. I want it I want it I want it! I want this one. But not red. "Doe," a soft beigy grey.

I already have throw pillows for it. And lots of love. Lots and lots of love. I think I would look fabulous sitting on this baby. Simply fabulous.

Especially in my new LittleBlackDress and AdorableShoe holiday party outfit. I love these puppies.

Yeah, so I had my sofa epiphany AFTER I bought the shoes, so shut up. Starting today, I'm putting the shoe buying on hold. I swear.

Why I'm smiling today:

1. I got paid today. Woohoo!
2. I have a dinner date with the Hubb tonight. I'm more than ready for a little weekend romance.
3. Tomorrow is the DIY Trunkshow. Everyone should go and buy lots of things and support our local craftspeople.
4. I'm wearing Jeans! At Work!
5. I'm also wearing sassy black stockings with my high heeled shoes. I feel a little slutty.
6. Despite waking up uber late, I arrived to work on time. A few minutes early, in fact.
7. A "Hey pretty girl..." from a bike messenger on the way to the train this morning. Totally made my day.
8. Talking smack with a coworker A about coworker B, and realizing that we are both thinking the exact same things. I don't feel like such an ass anymore.
9. I'm wearing my favorite pair of underwear.
10. It's finally Friday!

I'm just looking for a nut...cracker.

It's Thursday and the office is quiet and my boss is gone again until Monday and I want to go home. I am feeling guilty because of my lack of energy at work lately, which I attribute to the change in the weather, the coming of winter with its wind and cold and darkness, dry skin and nosebleeds. Things have calmed down to a dull roar, and I'm finding myself with more and more free time, which is hard to mask when you sit in a room all day with two other people. So I schedule, type, organize and timeline my upcoming Thanksgiving Adventure. I also make lists. I also keep tabs on the number of bottles of water I drink a day. I take lots of trips to the women's lounge. I do all of these things while trying not to shop. It is very difficult. I'm not very successful.

Kitchen items I need: (in no particular order)

1. A meat grinder. I don't trust pre-ground beef, and I'm itching to experiment with making my own sausage.
2. A dutch oven. Preferably this one (note the free 2-1/2 quart oven with purchase), but I'd be willing to settle for one that's not as fashionable.
3. A nut cracker. I recently purchased a huge bag of mixed nuts only to discover I have no way to get into them without banging up the kitchen counters with a hammer.
4. More silicone bakeware. This stuff is amazing and makes me want to be a better baker.
5. A soup tureen. I don't have one, and I feel like it would be a neat thing to have.
6. These mixing bowls that I am totally in love with.
7. A bigger wine rack. I like to stock up in case we get snowed in for several weeks at a time.
8. New chairs for the kitchen table. I'm leaning towards these, though they don't appear to come in black anymore. Fluorescent lime and orange don't exactly match my kitchen.
9. New dishes. I'm bored.
10. An oven that holds a consistent temperature.

I nearly got blown down this morning as I got off the bus, and again as I left for my lunch break. Working right on the lake is definitely going to work on me this winter. Eh.

I had a dream last night that I was married to a friend from my past who was enlisted in the military, somewhere, somehow, and I wanted to find him so I could divorce him and marry my ex-boyfriend instead. For some odd reason much of this dream involved sneaking in and out of houses in affluent neighborhoods with the ex, attempting to procure a red bell pepper. During the entire episode, as is always the case when I dream of liking/marrying/kissing/etc. anyone other than the hubb, I was racked by terrible anxiety and guilt, and woke up with a sick ball in the pit of my stomach. I think there are probably a slew of unresolved issues floating around in there. I don't know how a bell pepper plays into that, but there you go. Dreams are odd.

I've been pretty successful on the weekend front lately, and seem to top each weekend's comfort, fun and adventure with the next. This last weekend consisted of a few extraordinary events/discoveries of note:

- buying a dvd of 8 Gumby episodes for $1. Yes, one dollar! Granted, the menu sucked, the packaging was cheap, and the entire dvd lasted only about 30 minutes, but I have no regrets for my one buck splurge. Hubb and I remembered Gumby making more sense when we were kids, and decided that the claymation skits would probably be quite amazing when one's thought process and senses are enhanced from smoking drugs of some sort.

- finally breaking down and purchasing two wonderful beauty products: 1. Benefit's Benetint. I adore Benefit's image, and had been intimidated and intrigued for some time by the dark red liquid. I finally gathered the courage to let the Benefit vixen at Marshall Field's try some out on me, and I'm totally hooked. 2. Origin's Cocoa Therapy Instant Chocolate Fix. Yum. I want to lick my wrists raw when I roll this stuff on. I promise it is an instant uplift, no matter how bummed and tired you may be. I'm a big fan of the whole line, and highly recommend it for a calorie-free chocolate bar replacement.

- lazy Sunday lounging, which we don't get to take part in very often. Hubb and I almost always book up our weekends with plans, but were able to take some time to sit around in our pyjamas, drink coffee and play with the cats for a couple of hours. It was incredibly refreshing and relaxing.

Despite going to bed before 10pm last night, I way over slept this morning and was almost 45 minutes late to work. With very little makeup and a no-time-to-do-my-hair-quick-pigtail-buns-updo, I have already received more compliments than I ever have when I have the full time to get myself ready in the morning. Either they're lying or I normally try way to hard.

I am consistently forgetting that I own a digital camera, and have nearly stopped bringing it with me on outings. I need to work on that so I have something more interesting to put here than accounts of my shopping sprees. Stay tuned.

I took a much needed half day yesterday, with every intention of taking a nap at home, but ended up shopping and cooking for 7 hours, sitting down only to drive the car in between stores. Nevertheless, it relaxed me, and though still quite sleepy, I feel a lot better. Things are calming down at work, I'm less nauseous and frightened when I think about the next four years (although that could be due to lots of wine and lack of sleep), and I have a new purse. Life is pretty damned good.

I had forgotten how wonderful roasting a chicken can be. It's no secret that I love to cook, but I love it even more when it's something traditionally comforting and delicious. I think that is one of the many reasons I adore the fall and winter months, because it is a time to tackle soups and stews, warm and heavy dishes, foods that always seem to fill my home with the most amazing smells. I envision many a night with bowls of chili and plates of cornbread in front of the fire this winter. And wine. Lots of wine.

This weekend is going to be a good one, with a full 5 hours of planned girl time! I haven't had real live girl time in quite a while, and I am bursting at the seams I am so excited. Girls girls girls! Shopping and lunch and a beauty event! We can pretend to not eat much in front of each other, pretend we have enough money to shop the way we will be, and be massaged and pampered and seduced into buying lots of makeup and body products! Yay! Let's hear it for the girls!

I'll also be attending a party, which I am pretty excited about despite the possibility of knowing a grand total of only two people there. I am sometimes a social retard when it comes to big get-togethers, but it will be nice to get out and drink in someone's home for a couple of hours.

Oh crap.

I'm still hungover from the excitement and busy busy fun of the weekend, therefore I list:

1. (Friday) Skipping dinner + drinking = sleeping like a baby. Excellent.

2. (Saturday) Hubb and I visited Lynfred Winery in Roselle, Illinois for a tour and tasting of some local wine. It was incredibly educational, extremely enjoyable and highly intoxicating. I secretly hope to become a wine snob.

3. (Saturday, part 2) Hubb approved the purchase of a pair of fun birthday shoes. Pointy moccasins. I can't wait to post a photo.

4. (Saturday, part 3) After being turned away from my intended birthday restaurant by a 2 hour wait, Hubb and I enjoyed a fabulous dinner at the Adobo Grill. Tableside guacamole is the only way to go.

5. (Sunday) The recommendation from GB, a gorgeous sunny halloween day and lack of afternoon plans brought us to the Graceland Cemetery for an incredible walking tour. Graceland is the who's who of Chicago graveyards, housing for eternity such names as Wacker, Pullman, Marshall Field, Mies van Der Rohe, Burnham and Root, and Louis Sullivan, to name a few. I even remembered the camera:

6. (Sunday, part 2) Dessert with friends at the Four Seasons Hotel. Deliciously snooty and incredibly fattening. Key lime cheesecake = best birthday cake EVER! A perfectly sweet ending to a super great and wonderful weekend.

So I'm reading pretty much the best book ever. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. For people who believe in true love, people who don't believe in true love, and people who just like stories about time travel. My new favorite book of all time. Ever. Buy it and read it today.

Last night hubb and I braved the thick cloud of smoke that is the Bottom Lounge for some good old nostalgia in the form of The Slackers. It was nice, brought back a lot of memories, and gave me the opportunity to dance with a skinhead, but my lungs hurt real bad by the end of the set. I'll never understand the lure of the cancer stick. Ever. Come on, Chicago, ban smoking so I can actually breath and see and not have all of my clothes (including my underwear) smell like death after a night on the town! Do it!

I'm a couple of days behind, and I just realized that Saturday was my one year anniversary of this blog. Happy anniversary, blog! One whole year, wow. It seems like such a long time, one year. So much has changed in the past twelve months, it's mind bending. My job, my attitude, my wardrobe, my living quarters, my emotional stability, my pant size...it's unreal. At the same time one year seems like such a short stint...ONLY one year, 365 short days, one one-hundredth of a century, one twenty-fifth of my life.

This blog's start date and my birthday are one week apart, and I think this is a little more than a coincidence. Every year as I grow older I tend to reflect on time, maturity, growth and change...as I'm sure most people do. I always yearn for something new around my birthday, sort of a new year's resolution or life changing decision to make me a better person. I don't know what place this blog has in all of that, (self-therapy, I guess) but I've made it one year, so I might as well keep it going.

I feel so young, so naive and immature sometimes, and at the same time I feel like my life is running a little faster than I am able to catch up to it. As I reflected on last year, I always thought I'd be having babies by 25. Well, 25 is four days away and although my heart melts for every baby I lay eyes on and I cry during adorable commercials with toddlers, I'm so not ready to be responsible for another human being. I'm still a child myself in some ways, still really young, and I have quite a bit to learn. But I feel like 25 is a big turning point in life. My car insurance goes down, I don't have to pay the pesky $20/day extra under-age fee for a rental car, I'm officially out of my early twenties. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I sure hope this self-reflection on age doesn't get worse as I get older or else I'll be in the psych ward by 50.

Young or old, bragging or bitching, crazy or not, I'm happy. At nearly 25 I absolutely love my life, and a year ago I don't think I could have said that. In all honesty I am happy and content with the direction my life is leading, the path on which I am slowly making progress. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Today is the Best. Monday. Ever. I mean that with all seriousness. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. #1: Having a fabulous morning at home. (Thanks, Hub.) #2: Good hair day, (I got a good haircut on Saturday! Yippee!). And finally...(drum roll, please) #3: I GOT SPAMALOT TICKETS!!!!! Ohmigod I'm so excited, can you tell?! I will look at these tickets every day until January 22nd when I will surrender them for a seat at the Best. Play. Ever. Ohmigod I can't wait! I don't know how I will be able to contain myself for the next 3 months.

Hubb and I went to see I (heart) Huckabees this weekend, and I loved it. In fact, I loved it so much and became totally engrossed in the philosophical battle that I totally zoned out while eating my kettle korn, left the theater, used the rest room, went into a store, shopped, checked out, and started walking down the sidewalk before I finally noticed a huge kernel of caramel covered popcorn stuck to my shirt right in between my boobs. I wonder what that means, or if it means anything at all...

Yay, the weekend is 6 hours away! Hurrah for the weekend! Celebrate the weekend! I'm much more optimistic today than I have been every other day this week, I'm feeling much better, more excited, more awake, and less ick. And that's good. I want to go on a date tonight (hint hint Hubb) to celebrate my release from grump jail.

This morning I hit the snooze twice, sang outloud, "One more time" (French Kicks style) and hit it a third time. It made me giggle slightly as I passed out for another 9 minutes. Now I've had the song stuck in my head all morning.

Yesterday I had a caffeine withdrawal headache, so I overcompensated today with 2 (TWO!) cups of coffee. Sleepiness be damned, I will NOT fall asleep on the bus today.

Hubb got home super late last night, so I half heartedly made lasagna by myself with a mismatched assortment of leftover crap in the fridge and a .99 cent jar of pasta sauce from the ethnic grocer. It turned into lasagna soup, but I shook my fist in triumph because it tasted damned good, despite being eaten with a spoon.

I always make a point to leave my last name, place of employment, and other painfully identifiable information out of this blog, but it has occurred to me that most of the people reading this thing know who I am anyway, so I'm being pretty silly. I'm still going to pretend to be vague and mysterious, but at least we'll all secretly know that it's pointless.

Monty Python's Spamalot has been extended in Chicago, adding a week of dates, tickets for which go on sale Monday morning! Yay!! I already have permission from my boss to leave our Monday morning meeting early to stand in line at the Ticketmaster counter.

I've been incredibly unenthused by social obligations lately. I'm feeling icky from no exercise and poor eating habits, and am too exhausted to entertain. I just want to stay home curled up in bed in my pyjamas and sleep sleep sleep. As my bedtime creeps closer and closer to 9am, I am in no mood to leave the apartment after dinner, and it's making me depressed. I think it's just a combination of the limited daylight setting in and my job getting nutzoid that is making my body rebel and pass out on the way home from work on the bus every night, and as much as I'd like to, I'm having trouble breaking out of this rut. Although still my favorite season by far, this Fall is proving an annoying tendency of knocking me on my ass when I'm not paying close enough attention.

Speaking of ass, winter chub is also setting in, and if I'm to woo and wow family and friends during our Thanksgiving Adventure, I need to get my body in check. Time to break out the lightly used sneaks and hit the pavement again. But don't fret, sweet tooth, we're still on for pumpkin creme brulee.

Last weekend I went to four different stores looking for canned pumpkin for my experimental lowfat pumpkin cheesecake. I finally found it, bought 5 cans, and now have 4 cans to do something with. Next experiment: Pumpkin creme brulee.

My god I love this season. Chunky sweaters and puffy coats hide all of the goodies and comfort food that are taking a permanent residence in my midsection. By the way: that pumpkin cheesecake? Yum. I think I've finally lost the baking curse.

I'm on a new diet. It's called the Super Saver Diet. I am eliminating all items bad for my wallet. No more shoes. No more cute sweaters. No more unnecessary pairs of underwear (I must own at least 150 pair already). No more vintage cast iron bird decorations for the house. No more rhinestone flare on e-bay. No more vintage pottery on e-bay. No more anything on e-bay. The Thanksgiving Adventure is becoming quite pricey with a now extended two night stay planned in New York City (gee golly hotels are expensive in the big apple!), the rental car prices that continue to rise before I make a reservation, and the plans to wine and dine everyone we meet. And shop. If there's any cash left. And because I'd rather buy crap I don't need in New York City and Boston than here at home, I save.

So until Turkey Day I am on a shopping hiatus. For five and a half weeks I may have to leave my credit cards at home. We'll see how long this lasts. I may need to start drinking...I mean start drinking more.

I'm very sad it's Monday. So sad, in fact, that I'm making myself physically sick while sitting here at work. I'm nauseous, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, and I feel hot. All because I'd rather be in bed. I don't know why I make my body do this, but I keep sitting here thinking how I can get home, and being "sick" seems like the only possible solution right now. So I think about it and I think about it until I finally think myself ill. And it makes me want to go home that much more.

I don't know what it is about my weekly schedule, but Friday and Saturday night I sleep like a baby, but come Sunday I wake up 50 times a night through the week. I was practically awake from about 4:30 this morning until my alarm went off, and it is really working on my attention span at work today. So I'm taking a break since it's too freaking cold to go outside and shop.

Hubb and I had our first fire this weekend, complete with cuddling on the hearth with our kitties, reading good books, drinking coffee and making smores. It was a fabulous way to start the Winter, because apparently fall is on its way out the door pretty rapidly. There's so much comfort to me in the heat, the sound, the smell of a fire in my very own fireplace. It reminded me of my youth, and made me reflect on how lucky I am to be so happy with my life. Odd that such a primal and traditionally necessary action as making a fire created such comfort and contentment for me. Don't hate me, Chicago, but I kind of hope we get snowed in soon. I have everything I'll ever need right at home.

I hate when the internet is broken and I can't check my e-mail, can't use paypal and can't read other people's blogs. Darn that busted internet. Darn it straight to hell.

1. I'm wearing a tucked in shirt today, which feels really weird and is keeping my from concentrating on my tasks at hand. I can't stop tugging and pulling and adjusting, and my coworkers probably think I have a rash or something.

2. I'm such a planner (/nerd) that I have mapped out the next year of my vacation time complete with half days off to utilize full driving/flying times to get to my planned destinations. It looks like Hawaii will have to be pushed back from February to April now, but that's ok because The Anniversary is in April, which we were sort of going to Hawaii to celebrate anyway. And to see my bestest friend in the whole entire world. I love that girl. And I love that she lives in Hawaii with a spare bedroom for me to sleep in.

3. And I love underwear. I can't help it. I've recently discovered a super comfy cami/boyshort set on sale at a local store (I like how I try to make Filene's Basement sound like a posh boutique), and have purchased the set in two colors, pale blue and white. They are the Best. Underwear. Ever. Today's mission: black. I swear I'm so addicted.

4. I don't know why I'm numbering these paragraphs, but I kind of like the way it looks so I'm going to keep going with it. I've recently been kind of blah about this silly thing lately, but I think it's just an equation of being busy, stressed, depressed and malnourished = blah. I'm slowly getting over it.

5. Hubb got a raise and I helped him buy new shoes online. I like when I can share my love for spending money and buying things online on an impulse with the love of my life. It's fun for the whole family!

6. I sort of had a quick pang of guilt when I cleaned out my "My Photos" document folder at work, and when trashing a blurry pic of the hub was asked "Are you sure you want to send 'Craig' to the recycle bin?" God I'm cheesy.

7. I just washed and ironed my pants, and I already got peanut butter on them. Maybe I should stop eating at my desk. But if my husband and my bed weren't so damned warm, I might actually get up when my alarm went off and have time to eat before rushing to the overpacked bus.

8. There is an incredibly large woman I pass while walking to the bus stop in the mornings. She sits on the bench, waits for the bus, gets on, and gets off at THE NEXT STOP. Ok, I know it can be difficult to walk when you're quite large, but come on. It's like 1/4 of a block. I feel all self righteous and sad and awful at the same time.

9. It's going to snow on Saturday and I have a wood burning fireplace in my apartment. Hello smores and cuddling! I can't wait. I love this time of year. Boots and scarves and turtleneck sweaters and knee high socks and freezing offices and high gas bills and the flu...wait...

10. I'm really just dragging this post on so I can get to number 10. Mission accomplished. Good day.

I am getting a haircut. This is momentous because the last time I had a real haircut was over a year ago and I cried and cried and cried for days because the stupid ass junior stylist chit chatted about going out to bars the whole time she was cutting my hair and I left the salon with a terrible bowl cut despite the detailed description, photos, drawings, comments to her cute hair, and requests to "keep the length." But I'm now biting the bullet, taking the plunge (and every other metaphor), and I've made an appointment with a senior stylist...in three weeks. Election day to be exact. It will be a day full of giant steps, making my political voice heard at my polling place, taking a huge sigh of relief after my November 01 deadline at work, and trimming my locks. My fingers will be crossed (for more reasons than one) until that day.

Just in case, I might take a note of all of the wig shops in my neighborhood. Luckily there are plenty.

I get teased at work all the time because nearly all of my new clothes shopping takes place roughly between 11am and 2pm Monday through Friday. Quite a few lunch hours have been spent perusing local stores, and I have been quite lucky on the shopping front lately. I have often returned from "lunch" with a shopping bag or two, to the inquisitive comments and pryings of my co-workers, and an occasional "Christ, Emily, what did you buy TODAY?" (First of all, it's none of your business that shopping is my therapy. Second of all, I work on freaking Michigan Avenue and you expect me not to shop?! Third of all, shut up.) Today I came back with MY LUNCH and was drilled with "Did you buy some shoes?" "Did you buy a sweater?" "Did you buy some fishnet stockings?" (don't ask) "Did you buy a blouse?" The first thought I had was "Shut up". The second thought I had was "Blouse? Who says blouse?" So here I eat my soup and glance down at my shirt wondering if it qualifies as a member of the blouse family, like it doesn't and I should go out and buy one so I can be a member of the upper crust. But when I think of a "blouse" I think of a dark paisley silk poofy sleeved high necked pearl buttoned number with high waisted pleated pants a-la Murphy Brown. Ahh...more things to distract me from the pressing files stacking up on my desk.

So anyway, two weeks and a half to The Deadline, and oh, I'd say about 5% of the work is finished. 5% of the work that needs to be completed before I can begin my part. This is super. But at least my 250 hours of overtime at the end of the month will pay my credit card bill.

Yesterday was a milestone, celebrating my three month anniversary at work (yay, I'm keeping my job!) and my one and a half year wedding anniversary (yay, I'm staying married!). The first year and half of our married life together has just flown by, filled with so much exciting growth and change, and I can't wait to see what the next year and a half will bring. Married life is amazing, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to have found my true love so early in life. I won't verbally swoon too much here, because in 6 months we'll be celebrating our two year anniversary and I'm sure I'll be gushing all sorts of pink heart and candy and flowery mush. After 18 months, I can say one thing for certain: I totally *heart* my husband.

I'm thinking of eliminating the book lists to the right here. I think I just have them up there to make myself look smart. Not that reading Stephen King thrillers makes one smart...but I love to do me some book-readin'. I'm sure the list is quite boring and uninteresting to my three loyal readers, so off it will come in the near future. After I figure out something more exciting to add. Photos, I'm thinking. Photos.

To be honest, 6 of the 8 books I am currently reading right now put me to sleep within minutes. Although reading first thing in the morning on the warm cozy bus with less than half a cup of coffee may also be the sleep-inducing culprit, but I prefer to blame it on Dostoevsky (who coincidentally has the same birthday as me) and world history.

I'm also thinking of eliminating the quickly dying Footwear Friday postings. It was a fun idea, but I've run out of creativity. And shoes. Well, not really, I'm just not excited about it anymore. I keep forgetting to take photos of my feet, and I'm bored with it. So off it goes.

I'm tired and low-blood-sugared and grumpy at work today. I'm also feeling very very lazy. I don't even have the energy to shop. Or eat candy. Or search ebay. Well, maybe a little energy for shopping... I think it's the rain that is making me so blah. I'm REALLY looking forward to going home, putting on my pyjamas and curling up in front of the TV with a glass of wine, the cats and the hubb. That's my idea of a fabulous rainy Friday night.

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But I really do love my job. Honest. I wouldn't leave right now for anything...(except maybe a job where I can shop all day and get pedicures and go to cooking school and have people clean my house and still get paid at least 50k) We'll just see if I still love it on November 02.

Of note:

- My little brother has a blog and for some reason it freaks me out. I can't let go to the fact that he's not a saintly naive innocent little 8 year old anymore. He's 19. He's away at college. He kisses girls. I need to get over this.

- I took yesterday off work to go to doctor's appointments, run errands and rest. I think I worked harder yesterday doing laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, going to the dentist, doctor, vet, and shopping than I ever do at my painfully busy job.

- *Thank you Discover Cashback Bonus!* I had a $100 shopping spree compliments of my Discover card at Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday. I am still in shock at how quickly I can spend a hundred bucks. My new favorite toys: oven thermometer (I found that my oven is about 10 degrees off), meat probe thermometer and timer (I can't wait to roast my next chicken!), a silicone muffin pan (I can bake, Ma!), and a microplane zester (fresh nutmeg. Yumm.)

- Speaking of my new amazing silicone muffin pan, I have occasional mentioned that I am baking challenged, but have recently discovered (as of yesterday) that it is the hardware as much as the ingredients that make delicious baked goods. I now have a large silicone bakeware (red, please) wishlist, in case anyone is planning on buying me something for my birthday later this month...

- Speaking of my birthday, it has been confirmed that I will be working my entire birthday/Halloween weekend because the people I work with can't get their acts together. This will leave me with less than a week to do a month's worth of work, with a deadline of November 01. Perfect timing.

- In the past few weeks I've become an ebay junkie. I need something less costly to distract me from working. On the upside, I've recently acquired new flare, both for myself and my house. Yay for vintage brooches and chatchkas.

The Top 10 Reasons I'm a HUGE DORK

1. I didn't post a "Footwear Friday" post last week, and it preoccupied me all weekend.
2. I do a "horizontal dance" in bed with my husband, and it's totally literal. I honestly dance to the music on the radio while lying down in bed next to my husband, fully clothed.
3. I get super excited about herbs and spices.
4. I make different excel spreadsheets for holiday vacation options. (Holiday version A, B or C?)
5. I like to make up Weird Al Yankovic-style lyrics to techno-funk songs.
6. While dining out, I enjoy categorizing food by what I can make at home, what I don't want to make at home, what I am afraid to make at home, and what I don't know how to make at home.
7. I prefer online shopping to phsyical shopping.
8. I have running prioritized lists of things I would like to own, categorized by both price and desire.
9. I am in the process of reading at least 5 books at a time.
10. I made a list of how dorky I am.