autumn has always been my favorite season, hands down. perhaps it's my tendency towards layering my clothes, my love for squashes of all sizes and colors, warm comforting braised dishes, and my late october birthday. perhaps it's the transition from wild hot summer fun to chilly holiday hibernation. either way, this autumn is sure to be the most memorable with the upcoming birth of my son.

my favorite things about autumn:
- scarves, cardigans and boots
- apple cider and maple syrup and butternut squash
- braised meats
- the changing leaves, however short the transition lasts
- caramel apples!
- brussel sprouts and bacon
- tights and light jackets and flannel
- the chill in the air that makes your nose cold but doesn't yet touch your core
- colors like brown and grey and mustard and rust
- pumpkins, pumpkin pies, pumpkin seeds, even the smell of smashed pumpkins on the streets
- candles and fires in the fireplace
- celebrating getting another year older, and from now on sharing that joy with my child

i'm so glad we are having a baby in the fall, before the snow and cold sets in, giving us two good reasons to settle in for the winter months.

i'm almost 35 weeks pregnant now, which means just about a month to go. i'm starting to get a touch nervous, not for the actual birth but for the changes our lives will suddenly as we turn into parents next month. one day we can be selfish and go to bed when we want and run out to dinner on a whim and the next day we have a little helpless baby who needs us to devote our entire selves, day in and day out, to him. with the overwhelming love i already feel for this little guy in my belly i'm more than happy to do it, i'm just nervous that even with our library of preparatory reading and talking to other parents we don't really totally know what we're in for.

i also had a realization recently about my wardrobe. i've been dreaming of getting my waist back (which i know will take some time) and fitting into my old clothes again (along with some new ones). in the meantime i've also been stocking up on nursing items and planning for breastfeeding, and i've realized that many of my old clothes aren't going to work so well for a stay at home breastfeeding mom. cute dresses and fitted tops are 100% impractical if i'm going to be trying to breastfeed anywhere i can't disrobe completely, not to mention that i'll be spending my days on the sofa and the floor with my little one (and my two cats - i have a serious thing against pet hair on my clothes...yuck!) so comfort and accessibility will be top priority over cuteness and fashion. how do i keep my style during this transition into motherhood?

i have finished all of my birthing books and am practicing stretching and relaxation techniques in preparation for the unmedicated birth that i'm planning for. we've taken the classes and i'm mentally and physically gearing up for the marathon experience. i'm actually really looking forward to it, and i've been able to let go of any fear i had of the pain and discomfort i will be going through. my only fear is in my ability to let go of control, to let the organic process take charge. i like to be in control - if you know me at all you are nodding your head right now - and though i'm controlling the parts that i can (my care provider, my labor support person, the knowledge i'm coming into this with), i know that things can go a different way than i have planned and i am not sure how to prepare for that. i guess accepting the fact that things can go differently is the first step.

i'm also preparing myself for the helplessness i will feel after birth, for letting friends and family in to take care of us and help us through the first few weeks. i'm a stubborn self sufficient person, so letting my mom cook for me and do laundry and help with the baby will be difficult for me. not to mention when my in laws and my other parents arrive - i'm a hostess and not being on my game is going to be a mental challenge for me. i know i'll have probably the only good excuse i'll ever have to not have a fully stocked fridge and a perfectly clean house, but it's still going to be tough to let go of who i am (hostess, entertainer) in order to concentrate on the more important person who i have become (mom).

i apologize that this has turned into my pregnancy therapy blog of sorts! it's easy to say a thing like pregnancy won't take over your life but the simple fact is that it does. becoming a parent is the biggest change most of us will ever go through in life, it's hard not to think about it day in and day out. there is so much planning that goes into these 40 weeks, new priorities, new experiences, new goals. this is the biggest part of who i am now.