Oct 30, 2003

happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeeeee. happy birthday to me. now my pink is reminiscent of birthday sprinkles. i hated the color pink until i was in my twenties. and now i'm wearing my birthday pink sweater today. there has to be some sort of significance in that. growing older, maturing, becoming more feminine = liking the color pink. eh, this is all bullshit. i'm another year older, but as my co-worker so carefully pointed out to me, i'm still a baby. maybe that is connected to the pink thing. a pink sweater clad little baby girl on her birthday. that's me.

i'm treating myself to birthday sushi for lunch. (and maybe a glass of birthday plum wine!) and i might buy myself a birthday present, too. i need another pair or two of monogrammed birthday undies. everything today is preceded by "birthday". a birthday breakfast, a birthday shower, a birthday poo, a birthday burp, a birthday bandaid......and tonight my birthday dinner with my folks who are flying in this evening. i will enjoy my birthday drive to the airport.

i wish it was my birthday every day so i could have waffles and coffee served to me on a regular basis. i have the best........husband..........ever.

Oct 29, 2003

Oct 28, 2003

like many people i find solace in shopping. i am a typical girl, and typically spend lots of money to make myself feel happy. i never fail to find new fetishes to consume my time and my dollars. i've been through many seasons of obsessions, from hair products to socks to makeup, bath products, underwear, pajamas, jeans, shoes, monogrammed clothing, cookbooks, rooster paraphernalia, fiestaware, exotic food products, kitchen gadgets, etc. i can always find something i "need" sometimes conveniently consisting of multiple items, sets or series. i guess this all makes me easy to shop for, because if i don't have it, i probably will eventually end up wanting it.

i am all american in that i use consumption as a form of therapy against fear and depression. the word "shopoholic" is more often than not uttered as a joke, a mocking term used to depict women as being shallow and greedy. but these women (and men) are not this at all. they just seek comfort. and instead of comforting myself with mint chocolate chip ice cream or french fries, i use camisole and panty sets and the pride of knowing i have every spice on my spice rack that i could ever need. instead of an inflated belly, i get an inflated credit card bill. this way i end up being physically healthier in the long run. and i'll always have clean underwear.

i have a gift. i was getting all emotional over the "baaybeee" in sushi pants, then find out that my co-worker is preggers. wow. oddly enough that sort of put things in perspective for me. i'm so not ready to have a kid. but i still want a dog.

countdown to my parents visiting: 2 days

countdown to my interview for the job i'm probably not going to take: 3 days

things i'm waiting for:
my birthday
calls about two other jobs i've applied for

Oct 27, 2003

well, i got the flowers, (a spoooooky boo-quet) on friday. little things like that make me happy, but at the same time i feel guilty for wanting material things from my husband. after my flowers, he then bought me a new flower vase, a set of deco vintage salt and pepper shakers (which i collect) and a real chair for our living room (as opposed to something we bought at ikea and assembled ourselves.) it is a 60's modern danish chair in very good condition. i love it. i am feeling cheezy because i feel like we purchased our first heirloom. i'm silly like that.

i'm also feeling a little bit emotional. i saw a silly picture in a catalog of a baby wearing sushi print pajama pants (a print which i own a pair of pajama pants of as well) and it brought me to tears. then we looked at puppies and i fell in love with a wire haired dachshund. i dont' know if this is my little clock ticking away or if i'm just a stupid emotional girl. either way my heart is doing somersaults.

my birthday is on thursday, and i always thought i'd be having babies by 25. well, i'm days away from 24 (still a baby myself in many ways) and am wondering if i'll ever be 100% ready to start a family. i'm scared about the prospect of bringing another living thing into the world, but i cry when i see a baby wearing the same pants as me. i'm so confused. maybe a new job will help me?

i'm pretty sure i won't be taking the job i'm interviewing for on friday. it pays less in wages and responsibility, which are the two things i was looking for more of in a new job. at least it will get me up to par in my interviewing skills, is prompting me to look harder for a new jobby job, and will get my foot in the door of the Art Institute of Chicago, granted i make a good impression at HR.

when did life become such a roller coaster?

Oct 24, 2003

so i finally talked to her. and she tells me that this new job pays even crappier than my current one. i keep getting whiffs of dog poo. such is life.

i hope my husband comes home early today. and i hope he brings me flowers. he knows how to make me happy.

things i love:
my husband
my husband bringing me flowers
shopping for cute underwear
shopping for cute shoes
my cats
skinny cow ice cream sandwiches
i love fridays. well, every friday except this one.

i've had an upset stomach all morning. i want to puke. (my beloved pepto pink isn't really helping all that much right now.) i called the potential employer two hours ago, left a message, haven't heard back. but i'm applying for two internal transfers today as well. i want a new job, dammit. i just can't take this crappy poo anymore. i can't take being constantly demeaned and allowed to waste away daily from lack of stimulation. and this insane cattiness that exists in our mismanaged department isn't working for me. i need responsibility and a challenging work environment. so say my cover letters, and so say i.

i can't wait until today is over and i can go home, drink a bottle......(i mean a glass) of wine, and watch matrix 2 (i'm dead serious) with C. i'm not a big tech dork, i just come from the school of movies=entertainment. i like to be entertained. that's the sole purpose of most films. to entertain. that is why they were invented in the first place. to create a visual escape from the daily dirt and grime of real life, to take the viewer into a fantasy world unlike anything they have ever experienced before. i do enjoy films that are like puzzles, that you have to study and watch over and over to figure out, but tonight i just want to be mind-numbingly entertained with gratuitous violence and realistic (or not) special effects. and i laugh every time i see keanu reeves. he will never be anyone but ted to me. i keep expecting to hear "dood!" or "excellent!" over a background of electric guitar every time i see him.

i need to relax. and sleep in tomorrow. daylight savings is this weekend. excellent.
ok, so after my bitching and moaning (see below) i go home to find a message from a potential employer. i applied for a job over a month ago, and they called my home while i was at work (even though i gave detailed instructions on how to reach me at every time of day) at 1:00 yesterday asking me to call back before 4:30pm so they could ask me some questions about my resume and my experience. i am going to call them back in about two hours. i am really excited, but a little worried that this new hourly job will pay even less than my current hourly job. that just isn't going to work for me.

Oct 23, 2003

I love my Husband. A lot.
ok, now i've calmed down from all of the excitement of starting this dumb thing, and have used my amazing intuitiveness to figure out how to change the html to customize my colors. now it is reminiscent of pepto bismol, instead of pea soup. we'll go with that. i think i'll put it on my resume. "highly intuitive, creative and possess "blog" html knowledge."

i am feeling seriously down today. i am reminded time and time again how much time and money i wasted on my college education. i wish someone would have told me that i was throwing it all away when i became an art major. there are no "jobs" in "art". i currently am employed by a huge institution, working at less than 25% capacity, doing menial tasks capable of a 12 year old, and getting paid accordingly. i'm lost. i have no idea what i want to be/do when/if i grow up. last weekend i saw Lost in Translation with my husband, brother in law and brother in law's girlfriend. i cried. it really hit home with me. not in the upset-with-my-marriage-and-contemplating-an-affair-with-bill-murray-who's-old-enough-to-be-my-dad sort of way, but the i'm-metaphorically-lost-and-saddened-by-it-because-i-am-in-this-really-awesome-place-and-can't-appreciate-it-and-i-don't-know-what-i-am-meant-to-be-doing-with-my-life-and-don't-know-how-to-start-figuring-it-all-out sort of way. it makes me want to cry again. and/or throw up. hence the pepto pink.

my life's not all that bad. i have a job, my husband has a good job. we're making ends meet, paying off debt (despite my attempts to put us in deeper with my shopping addiction.) we have a place to live, we live in an amazing city. we're happy. i love him. we have two cats and we love them. i have good friends and a good family (even though they're a little odd. who's family isn't?) anyway, life is good. i'm just unhappy. i think it all stems from my job and the people i work with.

i keep getting huey lewis' i want a new drug stuck in my head. except i sing it "i want a new job. one that doesn't suck. one that pays a whole lot more. one that isn't a huge bore." maybe i should be a songwriter.

that's my deep and meaningful entry for today. i'm searching for the meaning of my life if anyone's interested in helping me out. thaaaanks.
i'm starting this "blog" to get in on all of the hype. my friends are doing it, my husband is doing it. i might as well join in on this frenzy and start writing my inane and pointless thoughts and feelings, pretending that they are deep and meaningful, pretending to be private while secretly hoping that people actually care and to connect with some stranger via the internet. sure, i'm a pessimist, but i also enjoy following trends, all the while pretending to think that they're stupid passing fads. which they usually are. (ex: platform flip flops and flared jeans) so while i will continually make fun of "blogs" and the like, i will still post on mine.

take that.