I have a million half started posts, drafts, notes, all saved for ... when? I don't know. I'm busy and I have a short attention span and I can't keep my mind on what I'm trying to do ... write? inform? bullshit? Probably the last.

I have some serious spring fever, I can't even explain. I want to wear skirts. My allergies are making me sick. I miss my mom. I won't be seeing my brother until next Thanksgiving. That's 7 months away and it makes me terribly uneasy and sad. I miss him, too. I may have to hop a plane to the left coast this summer to spend a weekend with him. If only plane tickets were free. And LA didn't suck so bad.

I can't fathom the fact that April is over. Gone. Just like that. A vacation an ocean away, an anniversary (not quite yet celebrated properly), Easter. I am feeling much better at work lately. Which leaves me wondering why I applied for a new job today.

I keep wondering when I'm going to grow up. And know what I'm doing. And feel safe. Things keep changing, and I'm getting better at being OK with that, but it still grates on my nerves. I don't like not knowing. I hate being in the dark. Especially when I'm the one who put myself there.

When I was little I saw the world as a long list of rules, to be obeyed to the letter, solid and rigid: The Way The World Works. I didn't know these rules, I only new that they existed. And that "grown ups" new them. Someday I would, too. Guess what? They don't exist. Everything in life is an exception to something. My world view is constantly changing. It makes me drink wine. It also makes me appreciate things in different ways. Which makes me drink wine...in celebration this time.

I'm learning more about myself every single day. Maybe that's what it means to be a grown up.

You have to keep me busy if you want me to have a good time. I need a schedule, I need things to do. I need to be occupied. For some reason I feel terribly inexplicably guilty about this fact, and am constantly trying to make myself enjoy NOTHINGNESS, but to no avail. This became a small problem in Hawaii, but once I got the daily beach/nap/eat/beach/nap/eat schedule down I was fine. I'm the same way at work. I would rather end the week utterly exhausted from working my ass off, only to collapse in bed at 8pm Friday night, than leave work Friday afternoon with 10 solitaire wins under my belt. I've been busy so far this week. And therefore I like my job again.

I have recently discovered the BEST CANDY EVER. Smoothie Skittles. Yum. I want to make out with whichever food scientist came up with these flavors. Oh my god I've eaten two bags today and it is only 12:00 noon! I can't stop. They are just too good.

I need a manicure. I shall make a date with myself to pamper my hands one night this week. Or maybe I'll do it at work today. Because what's the point of having important stuff to do if I can't procrastinate?

I hate to keep mentioning the vacation again and again and again, but as a milestone both in my life, friendship, and marriage, it has made quite an impression on me. Here are a few of the things I've been thinking about since my return to the mainland:

1. I own too much stuff. I have too many pairs of shoes, too many books, too many (gasp!) purses. Too many useless chatchkies, too many bottles of lotion, too many (double gasp!) kitchen gadgets. It's time to reevaluate and trim down a little bit. Or at least stop growing so fast.

2. I am too rigid. My planner goes with me everywhere, I am seldom without a timepiece of some sort, I hate to break away from the schedule. I live by lists and guides. I need to be more spontaneous.

3. I am too self conscious. Nobody looks at me and whispers "Oh my god, look at her lovehandles!" or "Eww, look at her hair...the tips are just a shade lighter than the rest." or "Did you see the size of the pores on her nose?" or even "Can you believe her nailpolish was so chipped and ragged?". I don't criticize other people that much, so why do I worry about being constantly criticized by others? I'm fine. I need to lighten up.

4. I am just a wee too delicate. If things aren't perfect, if I'm left without my mandatory supplies such as tissues and Advil and lotion and lipgloss, I freak out. If I don't have my usual morning coffee, my lunch within a 3 hour time frame, or at least 7 hours of sleep each night, I have a little bit of trouble coping. I need to learn to live without comfort sometimes, and stop being so high maintenance.

5. I really really want to go to Italy with the Hubb. Drink wine, eat cheese and bread, see buildings that are older and more beautiful than I can imagine. Vacation. Together.

I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend: Yo La Tengo tonight, home-date with the Hubb tomorrow, and cookbook party on Saturday. The cold weather is back, at least for a little bit, so maybe we'll even fit in one last fire in the fireplace for good luck. I could use some smores and warmth and cuddling.

I didn't take as many photos as I had planned, but I did get a couple of pretty good ones:

It feels good to be back home, and though sore from carrying my luggage and a little sunburned, I had an amazing time. I'm still feeling jet lagged and lazy, so here is a list of observations and realizations I came to on my Hawaiian vacation:

1. Sunburning the tops of your feet just may be the most painful place to burn.

2. Hawaii is perfectly normal. I left for my vacation being totally ignorant expecting a remote tropical paradise, and instead was greeted by an incredibly well-developed American state. It was an excellent experience, and I'm not disappointed, just surprised, I guess.

3. Hawaiian pineapple tastes just like the pineapple I buy in Chicago.

4. Hawaii makes one totally and completely un-self-conscious. Everybody wears very few clothes and little, if any makeup. Au natural is the way to go. It was incredibly liberating.

5. A hot sunny day in Chicago is a cloudy cold day in Hawaii. The tropical sun makes everything so much brighter and clearer in Hawaii. Chicago's sun doesn't come close.

6. The Pacific ocean is so clear and bright and colorful...exactly like postcards.

7. There are very few bugs in Hawaii...much fewer than I expected.

8. I look pretty good with a tan.

9. I really really miss my Hubb when we're apart. I feel totally cheesy and romantic, but I don't ever want to take a vacation apart again.

10. I really really miss Chicago when I'm away. It's official...Chicago is my home sweet home.

In 24 hours I will be aboard an airplane bound for paradise. Sun, sand, tropical beverages, seafood, men in grass skirts, Waikiki beach, tank tops and flip flops here I come! I'm tempted to wear my bathing suit as I board the plane and just leave my luggage behind.

I've been lassoed into competing in a foosball tournament at work, the first match of which begins today. I'm a little nervous and incredibly self conscious about participating in competition like this, with people I don't know...but hopefully it will keep me from having to do much work today.

Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of my wedding. In many ways it seems like the time has just flown by; a year of engagement and two years of marriage gone by in a blink. In many other ways it seems like we've been married for ages; all of the experiences we've had, places we've been, things that we've seen. Two years. It is such a short span of time in the grand scheme of things. Two wonderful exciting years. It gets better every day. I can't wait to see where the rest of our years will take us.

Happy anniversary, Hubb.

It's spring and I couldn't be more excited! Thrilled and happy and pumped am I. I want to sleep outside I'm so ecstatic to see spring arriving...I want to live outdoors and grill and drink on the roof and walk 10 miles a day just to see the gardens begin to grow. I saw the magnolia tree blossoming and the tulips sprouting and the bushes greening and trees beginning to bud today. These sights filled me with love and admiration for my city, knowing that we've endured snow and wind and cold but we can bounce back with a force so powerful to bring tears to my eyes. People in skirts and flip flops and sunglasses and ice cream cones and dogs walking and babies in strollers with little tiny baby sunvisors, and I am so excited that warmth and sun are finally here to save me from the seasonal affective discorder I am so sure I suffer from. No more all black outfits, no more clunky boots and chunky sweaters and skin hiding scarves. Spring! Is! Here! Amen.

symptoms:

1. constant right eyelid twitch, 3 days and counting
2. severe mood swings
3. mid-day nausea
4. nonstop appetite
5. incredible lethargy
6. shorter than normal attention span
7. increasingly annoyed at work
8. sudden leveling off of body weight
9. insatiable pina colada craving
10.slowly increasing size of bathing suit collection

this vacation could not come fast enough.

tonight i'm really looking forward to a glass of wine, a long hot bubble bath, a huge pasta meal and getting in bed at 9pm.

I'm nearly always one of the last people to catch on to things. This flickr business sure is bad ass. I didn't want to get involved but now I'm hooked. This may just be the catalyst I need to get me out and about on the town with my elph more often.

Awesome.

He barked at my on the way to work, so I shot him. I think he just wanted to play. He may have been able to fit in my purse...

I have a feeling this may become a fun series.

I'm in strange sorts today, as I recently learned that my best friend is getting divorced, and another one of my friends is "kind of getting separated" in a moving into different apartments sort of way. Oh my god I think I'm taking it harder than they are. But "it won't happen to you, so don't worry." Um...ok. I guess since I am still pretty young and a lot of my friends are even younger, this is really really freaking me out. I'm too young to be thinking about these things happening to people I know, not to mention trying to help these people through them. It's time to be strong, and with a few glasses of wine in me we'll see just how well that works. K? K.

Just another item to add to the List of Emotions I Did NOT Plan on Feeling This Week: my previously labeled Arch Nemesis Coworker put in his two weeks today, and I suddenly like him and have decided that I am really going to miss him. Strange. Very strange indeed. I wonder if I can have his job?

I got a new pair of sunglasses for Hawaii, and they are all kinds of pinkish brownish clear plastic and totally hot. Not that you were wondering. But they cheered me up a little.

I've decided that my work day needs to end no later than 3pm to allow for a daily nap and an afternoon cocktail. Wouldn't that be nice? Instead I'm just sitting here waiting for 5pm to roll around so I can get on the bus and fall asleep on some woman's shoulder while my earphone falls out of my ear and I drop the 1000 page book I'm reading on the grimy bus floor and lose my place. On my kitchen counter I have the crock pot slowly tenderizing and yummifying a Moroccan lamb stew, and even though I'm totally not hungry I can't wait until I get home to the best smelling house ever.

I'm still feeling rather blah blah blah, so here's a little list, because lists cheer me up.

Things I Need. Desperately.
1. A pretty floral tote bag. Much like this one. I actually have some pretty blue and green floral fabric that I may work on cutting up and sewing back together in a shape similar to that one. I might should get a pattern first.
2. A chocolate bar. Much like this one. I love that there is a venue for giant stuff. That's awesome. I sort of want the giant pink eraser to erase all of the mistakes in my life. That burrito I ate...gone. That last gin and tonic...eliminated. That white pair of shoes that was half a size too small...what white pair of shoes? I don't see any white pair of shoes.
3. I need to take more photos. Seriously. Two of my favorite girlfriends were here all weekend and I have just one blurry drunken photo to prove it. And we are all so cute! More photos should have been taken. Damn it. And I still have no proof of the terrible bowl haircut that threw me into a year and a half long anti-haircut rut...but then again, maybe that's a good thing.
4. An oversized bottle of my favorite pinot grigio to consume in beer-bong fashion. I guess that would be a wine-bong. That sounds fun. And crazy.
5. Lots and lots of hugs.

I need to take more photos.

My girlfriends have come and gone. It was the most fun I've had in a long time, at the same time both incredibly relaxing and insanely exhausting. Boy oh boy have I missed my girls. I'm already thinking about doing it again.

In other news, I found the most wonderfully beautiful red and white wine glasses by Bormioli to replace the insanely cheap half-broken universal set we have been dreaming about getting rid of for months.

I was so thrilled with the red wine glasses I sat and drank water out of them all night last night.

I overslept for two hours this morning, getting to work closer to 11:00 than my usual 8:30. It's a damned good thing I have a really understanding boss. Too bad I'm ready for a nap already.

8 days and I'll be in Hawaii. I don't even need to go into how excited I am about that.