I am on the cusp of a new and exciting me...I think it's safe and unjinxable at this point to announce that I will be starting a new job later this month. I've finally broken into the creative world and will be working for an innovative and rapidly growing design firm. I'm leaving corporate political institutional employment behind and am taking on the exciting and intimate world of a small firm. I am thrilled beyond words, and have been on edge for nearly a month during interviews, lunches, negotiations and contracts. (Negotiations. I feel like a terrorist.) (deleted)

As the excitement builds and I sit and daydream about my new opportunity, I absolutely can't wait to start. And wear flip flops to work again. And jeans. And have "summer hours" and work with people who are passionate and energetic and creative. Oh my god!

My parents were in for the Memorial Day weekend, and we had an amazingly fun time. I realize how much I miss my family every time we part. I am such a daddy's girl.

A silly little additional excitement about my new employment is that my route to work won't change much; I'll just be getting off and on the bus closer to home. So I still get to walk down Damen Avenue to Chicago to catch the bus, past a coffee shop that promises to be "coming soon!". I am excited to have a coffee shop located directly along my route, but the name is giving me second thoughts about becoming a patron. "Barista Coffee House." Now isn't that ironic and redundant and just about the stupidest name for a coffee shop, ever? I bet the same marketing genius can come up with great names like "Chef Restaurant", "Hair Stylist Salon", "Surgeon Hospital", and "Surly Cashier Bargain Store." I just feel like they could have been a tiny bit more creative and inventive to come up with a name that is a little less forgettable.

Hubb and I spent our day off work on our deck, enjoying the sun and the clear sky, and partaking in the very first grilled meal of the season. It was phenomenal. I haven't eaten a steak in who knows how long, and I had forgotten how incredibly delicious grilled corn on the cob can be. I made my special butter blend, asparagus and spring onion bundles, and we even purchased a brand new tablecloth for the event.

What with the new job on the horizon, the sun outside, and the sleep deprivation of the last month, I am having incredible trouble paying attention to anything at work this morning.

Dearest Phone Call (I feel that we are so intimately close now...may I call you Phone Call?),

You tested me and teased me, not arriving until oh so late, but like the reliable and wonderful thing that you are, you came through in the end. I am sorry I ever doubted your loyalty to me. And I'm sorry I called you a bitch.

You totally made my day, Phone Call. I owe you a drink.

Love,
emily

P.S. - Would you mind telling The E-mail That I am Desperately Waiting For to hurry her little electronic ass up so I can get on with the wonderful changes that are in store for me? Thanks. Love ya.

I'm a big fan of the open letter concept. Whenever I 'm feeling like a giggle and a laugh, and have a couple of minutes to spare, I meander over to McSweeney's. The concept of writing a letter to unknowing people, places, and things just tickles me pink. I've been known to take a stab at it, at this very site, talking to my future neighborhood, an ex boyfriend...and I have at least a dozen open letter drafts saved for other times. Ramsin of GB really made my day with the most recent Revenge. Open letters are fun fun fun.

So without further adieu, Open Letter to the Phone Call I'm Desperately Waiting For:

Dear Phone Call I'm Desperately Waiting For,

I want you. I need you. I am lost without you. I want nothing more than to be with you, right now, alone, with a glass of champagne and a smile on my face. I would give anything to hear your sweet yet slightly annoying ring in my ears, to feel the cool beige handset of hope against my head, to hear the words I so desperately yearn for. You've been a long time coming, Phone Call I'm Desperately Waiting For, and I am tickled with anticipation for your arrival. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even explain to you how impossible it is to keep my cool. And wait. We all know I hate waiting, yet you continue to leave me sitting with no word...wait a minute, is this a test? To see if and when I will break down and cry? To see if I will go stark raving mad? To see if I will break all of the unspoken rules and do something inappropriate? Well, screw you, then, Phone Call I'm Desperately Waiting For. Screw. You.

What's that? The phone is ringing, oh my god it could be you I might throw up my hands are shaking I can't believe it holy crap I am so nervous and excited!

It wasn't you, as I'm sure you are aware. I bet you set that guy up to call me, just to trick me into getting all adrenaline-rushed and dry-mouthed and stuttery. Did you know that I ate at least 5000 calories yesterday, in an attempt to ease the tension in my stomach? Yeah, you're right. It didn't work. I only feel fat and bloated and even more uncomfortable today because of it. You are a tricky little bitch, Phone Call I'm Desperately Waiting For. You are making me turn on my own body, making me reevaluate my worth, stress over whether you have the correct phone number, if you ever made it into a calendar or a to-do list, if you were lost in the busy comings and goings of daily office life. I hope you weren't.

I forgive you for making me wait, my dearest Phone Call I'm Desperately Waiting For. More honestly, I WILL forgive you if you arrive soon. But if you wait until 6:00 this evening, I might slit my wrists in agony and self-justified imagined defeat. Not really, but I might end up with an ulcer by then, and I might eat the huge box of Mrs. Field's cookies sitting on our small conference table, conveniently located right in front of my desk. They look disgustingly greasy and fat laden to me now, but I may be hopelessly lacking in the self esteem and self restraint departments by the end of the day. So it's up to you, Phone Call I'm Desperately Waiting For, to save me from myself. I'm here, waiting. For you.

Love always (unless I don't hear from you soon),

emily

As I play the waiting game to see what my future will hold, I am feeling rather listy. So here it goes.

Things I hate yet secretly love anyway just because they give me something to complain about:
1. Waiting for things. Important lovely incredibly exciting things in particular.
2. Being consistently 5 pounds over my goal weight.
3. Being tired.

Things I am afraid of, in theory; I don't really know how afraid I actually am because I've never been faced with any of them:
1. Killer bees.
2. Being mauled by a bear.
3. Tumbling head-first down the stairs to my building at the start of a weekend when coincidentally all of my neighbors are out of town, to lay limp and broken with no hope of being found before tragically dying of thirst.
4. Being fired from a job because of too much solitaire and pop&drop playing.
5. Giving birth.

My favorite song of the moment:
"Sunshowers" by M.I.A.. I think I listened to it 7 times on the bus this morning.

Reasons I could never run for president:
1. I was bad in high school. Real bad.
2. I get flustered when given too much responsibility.
3. I have no desire to live in DC.
4. I tend to take things a little bit too personally.

Things that irritate me:
1. Ignorance.
2. The Vast Unknown.
3. Loud background music when I'm trying to sleep, work, watch CSI, read, or take a bath.
4. Movies with indecipherable dialogue.
5. The strap on that one black bra that I still insist on wearing because it was expensive and of good quality.

Things I'd rather be doing right now:
1. Not waiting.
2. Sewing a tote bag.
3. Making jewelry.
4. Watching CSI.
5. Sleeping.
6. Jogging. Yes, jogging.
7. Drinking a glass of wine while cooking a delicious meal for 10.
8. Kissing.
9. Finishing my book.
10. Shopping. Always with the shopping.

Things worth waiting for:
1. Fame.
2. Fortune.
3. Children.
4. A really delicious meal.
5. Fine wine.
6. Marriage.
7. A fantastic employment opportunity.
8. Heaven. (If you believe in that stuff.)
9. The PERFECT pair of shoes.
10. Surprises.

I survived a week of poo and ick and awful terribleness...just barely at least. Each day felt like a never-ending Monday of the worst day of my life, if that makes sense. But it's over and the weekend was a strange combination of stressful and calming, with jewelry making and bridal showering and makeuping and eating and trying to sleep amid the party (that I was not invited to) going on in my backyard. Tomorrow will be a big day for me, no matter what the outcome. Change will be in my immediate future, and either way I think I'm ready to cope. I've had a lot of time to think and sort and imagine and dream and wonder about all kinds of options and opportunities and I'm feeling pretty good about the possibilities. Much better than the pit-of-despair mood I was in this morning, anyway, but that's not saying a whole lot.

I made the most beautiful huge jade and red seed bead necklace on Saturday at one of those make-your-own jewelry studios near my house. It was tons of fun, and I want to go back and make more and more and more. There are a plethora of jewelry artists and craftspersons in this city, but I'm feeling rather crafty and am itching to purchase some supplies and work on some pieces myself at home. I might just do it, but stick to making gifts for friends and family rather than trying to sell anything. It was highly therapeutic, stringing beads. If nothing else I'll end up with a fabulously colorful jewelry collection. That wouldn't be so bad.

I have this annoying proximity issue; I absolutely can't handle when something desirable is out of my reach, and I all too easily discount anything and everything within my grasp. Food: I always crave the foods I can't find. If I were in Rome I would probably be searching for a thai place. Clothes: I always want exactly the items that are sold out in my size. People: I have intense desires to spend time with the people farthest away from me. This issue works its power on me both ways; with all the food at my disposal, snacks in my drawer at work, meals waiting to happen in my cabinets, I am never satiated. After finally discovering petite sized clothes and filling my closets chock full of jeans and black tops, I don't want to wear any of it. With friends and acquaintances constantly trying to plan dates, I just want to stay home alone with CSI.

When stressed, I have an annoying physical tick of letting my mouth move just a split second faster than my brain. I can go entire days without speaking coherently. Today is one of those days. My boss actually asked if I needed to go home and sober up. If it were possible to eat a taco and drink a glass of water to dilute the intoxicating stress of life, I would totally do it every night.

I worked 12 hours yesterday. I will do so again starting tomorrow and ending Friday. I still have an hourly job (yay for me) so I get overtime, but it is still daunting to think about it. I already feel like it is Friday, I'm that pooped. I guess I should count my blessings, and my paycheck. It might not be much longer that I'll be paid for each hour worked over 40. Hmmm...

I'm finding myself retreating and shrinking, pulling in to myself and ignoring everything around me. I'm working hard and holding in. I am a time bomb. I don't remember a time when I didn't want to share what I was feeling. When I didn't care to talk about it, didn't want to discuss it, didn't need reassurances and consolation. It's happening right now and I'm not accustomed to it. It is a new feeling, this internalizing. I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

So I create a vague and mysterious blog post. It somehow makes me feel a little better.

It's only 9am and my day has already been made. Special thanks to the following:

- Dad riding bike to work, wearing a suit and with his leather suitcase on the handlebars. An 8 - 10 year old girl riding behind dad, hugging him, pink backpack on her back. Dropping her off at school, I imagine. I am still smiling about the scene.

- Pheonix. Alphabetical. Perfect morning music for a perfectly optimistic perfect weather day.

- (related) Sun. Forcasted 70 degree high. Perfect.

- Orange loafers and short pants. I'm all about the black and white with a splash of bright color these days. And orange, which used to be my least favorite color of all time. I am strangely drawn to it recently. It makes me happy and calm.

- Good hair. Really really good hair.

- Still giddy about the phone interview I had yesterday and the visit I will make to the office next week. I really really REALLY want this job, so I will not write any more for fear of a jinx.

- Self-consciously cought myself bouncing up the stairs out of the el stop, wondered what others were thinking of my uncharacteristically chipper morning mood. Decided I didn't care. Empowering feeling running through veins.

- Spotting more and more "You Are Beautiful" stickers and signs throughout the city. Constant reminder on the cover of my journal/datebook. I am beautiful. My day is made.

So I'm reading the Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life by Amy Krause Rosenthal, and I secretly believe that I wrote parts of it myself. Needless to say, it is slowly pulling me (kicking and screaming and biting and feigning passing out, like little kids when they want to make picking them up incredibly difficult if not impossible by imitating a 50 pound bag of flour) out of my anti-blog funk. I've been busy (my all time favorite excuse for not doing anything whatsoever) and tired (second favorite excuse) and have been neglecting blogger a bit over the past week or two. I've also been under-whelmed and not at all stimulated to be creative. But I love the book, it gives me an insanely large number of ideas, gets the blood and the thoughts flowing, and makes me smile. I'll be done with it by the end of the week, I'm sure, which makes me sad. I wish it were 10 times longer so I could read it into the summer.

I'm doing more things at work, and have a couple of incredibly important responsibilities on my palate for the next few weeks. It is thrilling and exhilarating and I love it, but it also makes me complain that I'm too busy. Eh. You just can't please me, can you?

I received a new wireless mouse at work this week and it is absolutely the best toy I've played with in a very long time. Extra buttons! Rubber grip! No cords! I love it. I've programmed the extra buttons on the side to switch tasks and minimize screens in order to keep what little privacy I can in my shared office. I have reconfigured my desk to where my boss can see my computer screen. I joke about playing solitaire all the time...I should probably not do that.

I am such a terrible person that I ordered a necklace for my mother in law for mother's day, and I am secretly hoping it arrives too late so I can keep it for myself. It is natural opal and ironstone, cut directly from an Australian boulder, and it is absolutely stunning. Opal is my birthstone, by the way.

I got a pair of brand new pink pants for $6 the other day, just because the seam was coming undone. Now as you probably know, I am a crafty and resourceful person and therefore can easily repair a one inch seam unraveling, and for that I get a great deal on pink pants. Which is nice. I just wanted to share my immense good fortune and seam fixing skills with you.

Hubb and I watched Blue Velvet last night (first for Hubb and third or fourth for me.) I haven't seen the film in a while, and am struck again at how incredibly strange it is. And how similar the cinematography, colors and acting are to Mulholland Drive. He's an incredibly disturbed, talented and fascinating man, that David Lynch. I always forget why I have this underlying strange creepy feeling when I see Dennis Hopper...I am reminded yet again.

Hubb beat me to it, but I also took some photos at the Garfield Park Conservatory that I would like to share. Notice my complete lack of knowledge and creativity when it came time to name the photos. This one is my favorite. Enjoy.

I have a million half started posts, drafts, notes, all saved for ... when? I don't know. I'm busy and I have a short attention span and I can't keep my mind on what I'm trying to do ... write? inform? bullshit? Probably the last.

I have some serious spring fever, I can't even explain. I want to wear skirts. My allergies are making me sick. I miss my mom. I won't be seeing my brother until next Thanksgiving. That's 7 months away and it makes me terribly uneasy and sad. I miss him, too. I may have to hop a plane to the left coast this summer to spend a weekend with him. If only plane tickets were free. And LA didn't suck so bad.

I can't fathom the fact that April is over. Gone. Just like that. A vacation an ocean away, an anniversary (not quite yet celebrated properly), Easter. I am feeling much better at work lately. Which leaves me wondering why I applied for a new job today.

I keep wondering when I'm going to grow up. And know what I'm doing. And feel safe. Things keep changing, and I'm getting better at being OK with that, but it still grates on my nerves. I don't like not knowing. I hate being in the dark. Especially when I'm the one who put myself there.

When I was little I saw the world as a long list of rules, to be obeyed to the letter, solid and rigid: The Way The World Works. I didn't know these rules, I only new that they existed. And that "grown ups" new them. Someday I would, too. Guess what? They don't exist. Everything in life is an exception to something. My world view is constantly changing. It makes me drink wine. It also makes me appreciate things in different ways. Which makes me drink wine...in celebration this time.

I'm learning more about myself every single day. Maybe that's what it means to be a grown up.

You have to keep me busy if you want me to have a good time. I need a schedule, I need things to do. I need to be occupied. For some reason I feel terribly inexplicably guilty about this fact, and am constantly trying to make myself enjoy NOTHINGNESS, but to no avail. This became a small problem in Hawaii, but once I got the daily beach/nap/eat/beach/nap/eat schedule down I was fine. I'm the same way at work. I would rather end the week utterly exhausted from working my ass off, only to collapse in bed at 8pm Friday night, than leave work Friday afternoon with 10 solitaire wins under my belt. I've been busy so far this week. And therefore I like my job again.

I have recently discovered the BEST CANDY EVER. Smoothie Skittles. Yum. I want to make out with whichever food scientist came up with these flavors. Oh my god I've eaten two bags today and it is only 12:00 noon! I can't stop. They are just too good.

I need a manicure. I shall make a date with myself to pamper my hands one night this week. Or maybe I'll do it at work today. Because what's the point of having important stuff to do if I can't procrastinate?

I hate to keep mentioning the vacation again and again and again, but as a milestone both in my life, friendship, and marriage, it has made quite an impression on me. Here are a few of the things I've been thinking about since my return to the mainland:

1. I own too much stuff. I have too many pairs of shoes, too many books, too many (gasp!) purses. Too many useless chatchkies, too many bottles of lotion, too many (double gasp!) kitchen gadgets. It's time to reevaluate and trim down a little bit. Or at least stop growing so fast.

2. I am too rigid. My planner goes with me everywhere, I am seldom without a timepiece of some sort, I hate to break away from the schedule. I live by lists and guides. I need to be more spontaneous.

3. I am too self conscious. Nobody looks at me and whispers "Oh my god, look at her lovehandles!" or "Eww, look at her hair...the tips are just a shade lighter than the rest." or "Did you see the size of the pores on her nose?" or even "Can you believe her nailpolish was so chipped and ragged?". I don't criticize other people that much, so why do I worry about being constantly criticized by others? I'm fine. I need to lighten up.

4. I am just a wee too delicate. If things aren't perfect, if I'm left without my mandatory supplies such as tissues and Advil and lotion and lipgloss, I freak out. If I don't have my usual morning coffee, my lunch within a 3 hour time frame, or at least 7 hours of sleep each night, I have a little bit of trouble coping. I need to learn to live without comfort sometimes, and stop being so high maintenance.

5. I really really want to go to Italy with the Hubb. Drink wine, eat cheese and bread, see buildings that are older and more beautiful than I can imagine. Vacation. Together.

I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend: Yo La Tengo tonight, home-date with the Hubb tomorrow, and cookbook party on Saturday. The cold weather is back, at least for a little bit, so maybe we'll even fit in one last fire in the fireplace for good luck. I could use some smores and warmth and cuddling.

I didn't take as many photos as I had planned, but I did get a couple of pretty good ones:

It feels good to be back home, and though sore from carrying my luggage and a little sunburned, I had an amazing time. I'm still feeling jet lagged and lazy, so here is a list of observations and realizations I came to on my Hawaiian vacation:

1. Sunburning the tops of your feet just may be the most painful place to burn.

2. Hawaii is perfectly normal. I left for my vacation being totally ignorant expecting a remote tropical paradise, and instead was greeted by an incredibly well-developed American state. It was an excellent experience, and I'm not disappointed, just surprised, I guess.

3. Hawaiian pineapple tastes just like the pineapple I buy in Chicago.

4. Hawaii makes one totally and completely un-self-conscious. Everybody wears very few clothes and little, if any makeup. Au natural is the way to go. It was incredibly liberating.

5. A hot sunny day in Chicago is a cloudy cold day in Hawaii. The tropical sun makes everything so much brighter and clearer in Hawaii. Chicago's sun doesn't come close.

6. The Pacific ocean is so clear and bright and colorful...exactly like postcards.

7. There are very few bugs in Hawaii...much fewer than I expected.

8. I look pretty good with a tan.

9. I really really miss my Hubb when we're apart. I feel totally cheesy and romantic, but I don't ever want to take a vacation apart again.

10. I really really miss Chicago when I'm away. It's official...Chicago is my home sweet home.

In 24 hours I will be aboard an airplane bound for paradise. Sun, sand, tropical beverages, seafood, men in grass skirts, Waikiki beach, tank tops and flip flops here I come! I'm tempted to wear my bathing suit as I board the plane and just leave my luggage behind.

I've been lassoed into competing in a foosball tournament at work, the first match of which begins today. I'm a little nervous and incredibly self conscious about participating in competition like this, with people I don't know...but hopefully it will keep me from having to do much work today.

Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of my wedding. In many ways it seems like the time has just flown by; a year of engagement and two years of marriage gone by in a blink. In many other ways it seems like we've been married for ages; all of the experiences we've had, places we've been, things that we've seen. Two years. It is such a short span of time in the grand scheme of things. Two wonderful exciting years. It gets better every day. I can't wait to see where the rest of our years will take us.

Happy anniversary, Hubb.

It's spring and I couldn't be more excited! Thrilled and happy and pumped am I. I want to sleep outside I'm so ecstatic to see spring arriving...I want to live outdoors and grill and drink on the roof and walk 10 miles a day just to see the gardens begin to grow. I saw the magnolia tree blossoming and the tulips sprouting and the bushes greening and trees beginning to bud today. These sights filled me with love and admiration for my city, knowing that we've endured snow and wind and cold but we can bounce back with a force so powerful to bring tears to my eyes. People in skirts and flip flops and sunglasses and ice cream cones and dogs walking and babies in strollers with little tiny baby sunvisors, and I am so excited that warmth and sun are finally here to save me from the seasonal affective discorder I am so sure I suffer from. No more all black outfits, no more clunky boots and chunky sweaters and skin hiding scarves. Spring! Is! Here! Amen.

symptoms:

1. constant right eyelid twitch, 3 days and counting
2. severe mood swings
3. mid-day nausea
4. nonstop appetite
5. incredible lethargy
6. shorter than normal attention span
7. increasingly annoyed at work
8. sudden leveling off of body weight
9. insatiable pina colada craving
10.slowly increasing size of bathing suit collection

this vacation could not come fast enough.

tonight i'm really looking forward to a glass of wine, a long hot bubble bath, a huge pasta meal and getting in bed at 9pm.

I'm nearly always one of the last people to catch on to things. This flickr business sure is bad ass. I didn't want to get involved but now I'm hooked. This may just be the catalyst I need to get me out and about on the town with my elph more often.

Awesome.

He barked at my on the way to work, so I shot him. I think he just wanted to play. He may have been able to fit in my purse...

I have a feeling this may become a fun series.

I'm in strange sorts today, as I recently learned that my best friend is getting divorced, and another one of my friends is "kind of getting separated" in a moving into different apartments sort of way. Oh my god I think I'm taking it harder than they are. But "it won't happen to you, so don't worry." Um...ok. I guess since I am still pretty young and a lot of my friends are even younger, this is really really freaking me out. I'm too young to be thinking about these things happening to people I know, not to mention trying to help these people through them. It's time to be strong, and with a few glasses of wine in me we'll see just how well that works. K? K.

Just another item to add to the List of Emotions I Did NOT Plan on Feeling This Week: my previously labeled Arch Nemesis Coworker put in his two weeks today, and I suddenly like him and have decided that I am really going to miss him. Strange. Very strange indeed. I wonder if I can have his job?

I got a new pair of sunglasses for Hawaii, and they are all kinds of pinkish brownish clear plastic and totally hot. Not that you were wondering. But they cheered me up a little.

I've decided that my work day needs to end no later than 3pm to allow for a daily nap and an afternoon cocktail. Wouldn't that be nice? Instead I'm just sitting here waiting for 5pm to roll around so I can get on the bus and fall asleep on some woman's shoulder while my earphone falls out of my ear and I drop the 1000 page book I'm reading on the grimy bus floor and lose my place. On my kitchen counter I have the crock pot slowly tenderizing and yummifying a Moroccan lamb stew, and even though I'm totally not hungry I can't wait until I get home to the best smelling house ever.

I'm still feeling rather blah blah blah, so here's a little list, because lists cheer me up.

Things I Need. Desperately.
1. A pretty floral tote bag. Much like this one. I actually have some pretty blue and green floral fabric that I may work on cutting up and sewing back together in a shape similar to that one. I might should get a pattern first.
2. A chocolate bar. Much like this one. I love that there is a venue for giant stuff. That's awesome. I sort of want the giant pink eraser to erase all of the mistakes in my life. That burrito I ate...gone. That last gin and tonic...eliminated. That white pair of shoes that was half a size too small...what white pair of shoes? I don't see any white pair of shoes.
3. I need to take more photos. Seriously. Two of my favorite girlfriends were here all weekend and I have just one blurry drunken photo to prove it. And we are all so cute! More photos should have been taken. Damn it. And I still have no proof of the terrible bowl haircut that threw me into a year and a half long anti-haircut rut...but then again, maybe that's a good thing.
4. An oversized bottle of my favorite pinot grigio to consume in beer-bong fashion. I guess that would be a wine-bong. That sounds fun. And crazy.
5. Lots and lots of hugs.

I need to take more photos.