Nov 17, 2003

there is an eerie rolling fog outside my office window today. it is extremely unsettling, and it reminds me of a terrible nightmare i had the other night about death and war. in the middle of the night things always seem more real and more intense, and when i woke up from my dream scared that i was going to die, i couldn't go back to sleep. in my dream i was ready to kill myself rather than die from outside causes (war) but when i woke up all i could think about was how i wasn't ready to die and was scared to death (no pun intended) about death.

i've been trying to think about what that meant, and what i am supposed to be learning from that dream. maybe i'm supposed to be appreciating life more. appreciating my friends, family, good fortune, etc. maybe it's a sign that i'm not on the right path in life. if you are scared of death, scared of everything ending, scared of no more chances, does that mean that you haven't accomplished everything that you were meant to? when i've experienced all the little things and made all of the impressions i want to, will i then be calm and collected when i wake in the middle of the night thinking about dying?

or maybe it was just a nightmare caused by eating too much hot sauce and drinking too much vodka that night. i also had a dream once that i gave birth to a cat. ??

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