Jan 13, 2004

While wasting time at work I sometimes stare out the window and think it would be nice if I had a sugar daddy and stayed home and watched movies and did sit ups and crossword puzzles and shopped and attended an herb garden all day long, with ample time to cook savory meals and gourmet sweet treats for my loving husband to enjoy after a hard days work. Then I remember that #1 - I do not have a sugar daddy, #2 - I would be bored silly with nothing productive to do, other than the above mentioned tasks, and #3 - I'm at work. Then I start to get really depressed thinking of all of the things I want to accomplish in life, or at least a list consisting of at least a few possible life accomplishments and many many quite possibly unattainable dreams. This list goes on and on and on and on since I am indecisive and fickle and can never make up my mind about anything, least of all my life, except with whom to share it with. I made that decision almost five years ago and haven't looked back since. Well, maybe a slight turn of the head once or twice, but it's been smooth sailing for my love and I for at least our whole "Chicago Life", despite appendicitis, a stolen car, a long distance wedding, debt, a broken toenail, cats, employment depression and a few extra pounds. Most of all I want to be happy, which I usually am, except for every few days at work when I look out the window and start thinking about my future, not that my future is going to be bad, but because I don't know what my future will hold and I am scared for what it will become, but not so much scared in a "oh-my-god-there's-a-man-wielding-a-knife-and-I-have-nowhere-to-run-to-in-this-dark-and-spooky-haunted-house" way, but scared in a "I-don't-know-what-I-want-out-of-life-and-I-don't-want-to-wake-up-when-I'm-50-and-realize-that-I-never-accomplished-anything-important" sort of way. I want to do so much, and I am terrified of failing. Failure isn't something I handle well, be it failed craft projects, cooking, relationships (especially relationships), dancing, decision making, even daily things like shopping. I hate buyers remorse. That means you made a mistake, and a mistake is akin to failure. It does not always = failure, but it can. Failing in life is my all time worst fear, other than being completely and utterly alone, or lost in a foreign country with no money, or falling down a large flight of stairs, or dying. I've recently been thinking about dying, not in a morbid fascination sort of way, but in a way that I am trying to cope with the fact that we're all going to die some day, and I have an increasing fear that I'll die before I do things I'm proud of, or that I'll be stripped of people I love before I can fully develop my relationships and experience life with them. So I stare out the window and think about things I would like to do, places I would like to visit, people I want to be, experiences I want to have, even things I want to own, before I die; lists which are always changing, but are steadfast in that they are always there.

Places I'd like to visit:
~ Hawaii
~ Paris
~ The Egyptian pyramids
~ Stonehenge
~ Ireland
~ Scotland
~ Easter Island
~ Africa
~ Japan
~ New York City
~ The Grand Canyon
~ Niagara Falls
~ Mexico
~ The Louvre
~ Rome

Experiences I'd like to have:
~ Pregnancy
~ Childbirth
~ Motherhood
~ Being on a cruise ship
~ Speaking another language
~ Running a marathon
~ Being loved every day
~ Building a snowman with my kids
~ Visiting a winery
~ Celebrating my 75 year wedding anniversary
~ Touching ancient ruins
~ Watching my friends succeed
~ Watching the sun rise on Lake Michigan again and again
~ Time with my best friend
~ Seeing my brother graduate college and get married
~ Seeing/Tasting/Feeling things for the first time. Forever.

People I'd like to be:
~ Faithful wife
~ Loving mother
~ Loyal friend
~ Travel partner
~ Chef
~ Art therapist
~ Floral designer
~ Beauty boutique owner
~ Grandmother
~ Wine connoisseur
~ Artist
~ Potter
~ Happy person
~ Healthy woman
~ Successful gardener

Things I'd like to own:
~ The deed to a house with a yard and a garage
~ A bikini
~ A successful beauty boutique
~ A pottery studio
~ Another college degree
~ A baby stroller
~ A sufficient retirement fund
~ A dog (or two)

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