May 18, 2004

When it comes to pain and death I'm overly (and appropriately)...scared to death. I'll hopefully have 60 to 80 more years to come to terms with the idea, with the help of psychologists and drunk conversations with my ever loving husband. But who knows where science will be in 60 years, maybe scientists will figure out what makes us tick, what makes us individuals, where this "soul" thing comes from, and find a way to capture and preserve it when our earthly bodies poop out. When I'm 100 I could be existing inside a gorgeous youthful robot with beautiful flowing waves of auburn hair, a flat smooth tanned tummy and legs that won't stop. Or I'll be old and grey and pleased with the life I've created. If the robot thing doesn't work out I'll settle for contentment.

Craig thinks that my fear of death comes from the uncontrollability of it. The fact that I can't dictate when and how I and the people I love will pass freaks me out. I suppose there is some truth to that, but I think it is also the insignificance of it all, and the eternal life question and all that. Most people live selfishly, fulfilling their own desires and needs before thinking of others, which is absolutely normal and fine with me, but if we're all doing that just to survive then what's the point? I imagine everyone leaves some little mark on every person they interact with, but if I never existed would the world really be any different? I need to review Back To the Future.

Then there's the eternal end-all finality of death. There are so many experiences I want to have before I'm gone, so many ways I want to impact other people's lives, so many ways I want to be impacted by others, I can't wrap my mind around the idea of being deprived of these things. Oops, there's that uncontrollability again. Maybe that's my problem. I just can't handle things I can't control. Death, traffic and taxes. It's all beyond my grasp.


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