Jun 25, 2004

It's a beautiful day and I'm happy. For the most part anyway. The job thing is working out and my last two+ weeks are starting to go pretty smoothly. I'm finally busy at work, which is slightly ironic now that I've quit due to the boredom. But this is work I can get into: preparing my office, my job manual, my co-workers, to get along without me. It's slowly inflating my head, knowing that they are so worried about my departure and do in fact truly value my presence here, and at the same time it is giving me a slight sense of unease as I prepare for my extinction, at least as far as the office is concerned. What will they do when I'm gone? Will they remember me fondly, look into my empty office and miss me?

This process of planning my permanent absence is making me think about my life, my family, my friends, my loved ones. It is also making me think about people I've lost contact with throughout my life. Losing touch with someone is a form of death, in a way. You can't plan for it, and you don't know when a conversation or hug or kiss or e-mail will be your last. I've often wondered where some of my past boyfriends and childhood girl friends have been, who they are, where they live, what they're doing right now...if they're thinking of me with the same curious concern. You never know when you're saying goodbye for the last time, so it's important to take advantage of the time you have with the world while you have it.

I've been struggling with the decision to start helping someone close to me out on a regular basis, which I guess I am worried will become a precedent for when this person needs more help, but I love her and I can't stand to see her in the state she is in right now. And it is my duty, as one of her closest friends and loved ones, to take care of her. And when she's gone, will I feel like I did enough? Will I ever feel like I've been the best friend, daughter, sister, employee, wife, and mother that I could possibly be to every person I care for? No, it would be impossible. But I'm doing the best I can.

I'm becoming emotional and girly, but I can't help it. I am starting a new phase of my life and am saying goodbye to a large part of who I am, at least who I have been for the past two years. I'm starting fresh and I couldn't be happier, but there lingers this sense of unease. I've never been good at goodbyes. Looking back, I love this place, and all the crappiness I've associated with it. And I love you guys, the three of you who read this inflated and nonsensical thing.

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