Sep 12, 2006

i'm feeling a little lost. maybe it's the upcoming move and signing on the dotted line and all, maybe it's my great aunt's memorial this friday, maybe it's the rain and fog, but i'm sort of melancholy and self-doubting about everything lately. my skills, my job, my decisions, my style. just everything. it sucks, but i am not so sure what to do about it quite yet.

i keep deciding that i'm going to quit my job, sell all of my things, stop drinking, quit eating meat, and escape to somewhere in the mountains where i can be solitary and wear sweaters and no makeup and eat lots of potatoes and drink coffee on a porch. and maybe paint some more. but maybe just one of these things will improve my mental state.

i joined a gym but i haven't worked out yet. i may go after work if i can muster up some energy. but then again, i may not. i have to hem some dark jeans so i can wear them this weekend in austin.

we still have a lot of packing to do, but it is ever so stressful. i just want it to be over with.

now that i think of it, i bet the coming of fall is what's got me down and out of sorts. i love the fall, but the changing weather always does terrible things to me. plus the fact that all of my fall clothes are a size or two too small and all of my extra monthly moneys are now slated to paying for a mortgage rather than new pants.

plus, apparently i'm tick tocking away and i keep having dreams about being pregnant. (shh...don't tell hubb.) i know we're not ready but still...something is going on in there. my ovaries are whispering to each other while i sleep and it's making me think.

i also had a dream about my childhood dog, Chester, who died last thanksgiving. i dreamt i was holding him in my arms when he passed. i woke up crying and then couldn't fall back asleep for an hour, it was so real. which started my recent trend of waking up every night at 4:00 am on the dot and not falling back asleep until after 5. i want desperately to find some significance in that.

so if you know me and i become (or have already become) flaky and snappy, just ignore it. i'll hopefully make a turn for the better once one or two of my many stressors is behind me as i take another step up this mountain of my life.

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