Nov 23, 2004

I had a panic attack last night as we planned a small leg of our journey: our 24-hour NYC stay. I was freaking out at the complicated and unfriendly tangle of a structure that is the New York City Subway System, the extensive list of sights we would like to see, and the limited amount of time we have to see them. Hubb and I are basically on the same page with our priorities, but I, always the pessimist and always the planner, want to put down ground rules and equations for how to handle differences of opinion while in the big city. I really need to work on being more flexible. I'm also having trouble realizing that our vacation is going to be expensive. It IS our big holiday splurge, meaning we aren't going to be shopping for ourselves while we are on this trip. No shopping. Oh my god.

I woke up late today, fiddled with my hair for 40 minutes, did my makeup in 3, changed at least a dozen times, and still arrived to work on time. I lifted myself out of the terrible mood I was in by drinking two cups of coffee and e-mailing my two girlfriends who will be part of our Thanksgiving journey. I miss having girlfriends like them around. I have Chicago girlfriends, but not girlfriends I can talk so openly to and laugh at bad jokes with. I don't have a Chicago girlfriend I can be totally unselfconscious with, sitting around in our underwear drinking ciders and Arbor Mist while we talk about sex. A girlfriend I can eat fried cheese sticks with while we talk about how we're watching our weight. I miss that.

I'm getting a touch of the winter holiday blues this week, as I prepare to see my family and my in-law family and my friends and introduce myself to a few new places. Every holiday season I go through a period of feeling down, missing people I probably won't see, anxious about people I will see, worrying if I will get the chance to see other people, and reflecting on people I fear I will never see again. I guess I'm at a stage in my life where friends and extended family are growing apart, going their separate ways, living their own lives as I am doing here. This slight depression always goes away, but as it sits in my head, my heart, and my stomach I just want to stay in bed and cry both in happiness for the people in my life and sadness for the people who have left me.

5 People and a dog I'm seeing this Holiday, and what I miss the most about them:

1. My dad. I miss the way he tightly hugs me at random moments and sighs deeply so I know that he misses me terribly. It always makes me feel incredibly guilty, but I miss it anyway.
2. My brother. He's about to be finished with his first semester at my alma mater, and I couldn't be more proud. He's changed so much in the past year, I feel like I don't know the real him anymore, but I miss being around him learning about his life and who he is. Even though I don't know a lot of the simple things about him, I know he's turning into an amazing person.
3. My mom. I miss her. Period.
4. My friend, Alex. I miss the way he makes Hubb and I feel like we're the most wonderfully amazing couple ever. I will always feel indebted to him for introducing us, and I miss his witty debates.
5. My two girlfriends from college. I wish I was seeing them together instead of a day apart, and without our men, because I miss the way we get drunk together and laugh at silly lesbian jokes.

The dog. My 12 year old dog, Chester. He will always be my dog, even though he lives with my dad and step-mom. My old bed is the only one he's allowed to sleep on in their house and he always falls asleep with me when I'm home. If the door is shut, he sleeps outside of it if he knows I'm in there. I love my Chester dog and I miss him and his hyper Addison's medication induced personality painfully.

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