i am out of shape. and this is my manifesto.

so i need a change, i need some motivation, i need to alter my routine. i received a free 30 day pass to a gym and i'm going to use it. i ordered a workout video (5 star reviews on amazon!) and i'm going to use it. i read up on some typical "healthy" daily menus, and i'm going to take them into consideration. i'm drinking more water. i'm walking a little bit more. i'm going to be leaner by the time my wedding anniversary trip comes around. i will do it. watch me.

i also joined the self challenge...i know it is super cheezy, but it makes me write things down, keep myself in check, makes it harder to cheat and draws my attention to my increasingly terribly unhealthy habits (so THAT's where all of those calories are coming from...) my weight and physical fitness have been something i've struggled with all my life, and i realized a few things while walking home thinking about it last night:

1) i love food. i love to cook, i love to eat, i love to enjoy everything that goes into my mouth. i'm not one of those people who can just grab whatever is laying around to curb their hunger. i evaluate and plan nearly ever piece of food that i ingest. and if it tastes good to me, i'm going to eat it. luckily i crave healthier items most of the time (sushi, veggies, fruit), but every once in a while i have to have a cheeseburger. or coconut curry. or creme brulee. this is not going to change. i'm not going to start eating pre-packaged low fat low calorie meals or eliminate pasta and rice from my diet. i'm not going to order one hard boiled egg and fruit salad when i go out for brunch. i'm going to have eggs benedict. with bacon. i'm going to continue to go out to eat and i'm going to continue to enjoy it. so something else needs to change instead.

2) i'm not going to be an exercise nut. i'm just not. i'm lazy and i'm busy and it takes a lot to motivate me. what i need is routine, something fun, and i need to be able to notice that what i'm doing makes a difference. so the free gym membership...it's free, so that's motivation to use it. it's new, and i'm stubborn to let things go before i've tried them. and it right off the train line i can take from work. easy, and it can be routine on the way home. the video...it got great reviews for being fun, fast, and for delivering results. cardio and toning. exactly what i need.

3) i can't pinpoint a time that i've been in "the best shape of my life", mostly because i've never really been "in shape." i've been quite a bit thinner, but even when i weighed my personal lowest (on my wedding day), i still felt out of shape. i'm beginning to think about kids (in 5 years or so...don't get excited) and i want to be "in the best shape of my life" before i sacrifice my body to producing offspring. and i want to be able to enjoy it for a while. so i'm getting started now.

4) i don't need someone to keep track of me, i need someone to listen to me. to motivate me not with a watchful eye or reminders of "the rules", but rather with words of encouragement, believing that i will do this thing and that i will win the struggle i've had against my body for my whole life.

5) i'm ready.

why this sudden shift in my attitude? i tried on, for the last time, a shirt that i hadn't worn in a while, only to discover that it was too tight. i thought about wearing summer clothes and i shuddered to imaging how much i'd have to spend for a wardrobe that actually fits me. and i got home to a postcard in my mailbox inviting me to a free trial gym membership. i've been ignoring it for a few months, but it's time to quit being a baby (or look like i'm having one...)

i feel much better now that it's written down.