What I am NOT doing right now:

1. Taking photos. My Canon is in the process of being re-cased due to a weird black spot issue. So of course, as soon as I send it in, I start getting all kinds of inspired and am forced to pass up countless opportunities to take amazing photos. The camera phone just does not produce the same quality images.

2. Losing weight. I tried starting a low fat low calorie breakfast shake, but I'm starving by 10. Those pesky 5-10 pounds have declared permanent residence around my midsection, I'm afraid. So be it.

3. Drinking a glass of wine wearing my pyjamas watching Law and Order reruns. As much as I would like to be...

4. Simply waiting for the day to be over. Really.

Seven years ago today Hubb and I went on our very first date. Seven years! It was the Waffle House in Christiansburg, Virginia. Nothing but the best. Hubb won my heart, opening doors, helping me over a puddle, sharing his vanilla coke. And staying up until the wee hours of the morning just talking. Getting to know each other. We knew right away that we had something special. Happy anniversary, Hubby!

Hubb was in NYC this past weekend visiting his little brother, so I had the weekend to myself and my girlfriends. I went to bed early, drank wine and ate thai, and hosted a slumber party for a couple of late 20-somethings. Drinking, Pass the Pigs, pizza, girlie movies...it was so much fun. We were loud and obnoxious, and had bellinis and bacon the next morning. I'd forgotten how much fun girls can be. And I'm not embarassed at all to admit that I had a sleepover. Sometimes you have to relive your youth.

Hubb bought me a wonderful little clutch from Bleibtreu (blibe-troy) while in NYC. Hubb has the best sense of gifting things that I wouldn't necessarily buy for myself. It is part of why I love him so.

I'm working on creating many pairs of earrings, and plan to take some photos this weekend and get a website started. emilyb designs. Simplicity. I'll keep you posted.

So I decided it was time for something other than a list. So here is an attempt at writing something substantial, unnumbered, paragraphed and cohesive.

I've been stressing lately; about what, I don't know. I'm clenching my jaw every time I stop consciously trying not to. I'm slouching, sort of cowering every time I stop consciously trying to sit up straight. Chewing my lip whenever there's not food in my mouth. And I think I may be starting to get migraines. Slight and as of yet, tolerable, but still. The light from my computer screen makes me squint to ease the pain behind my eyes.

I'm dreaming of going on a spending spree for a new wardrobe, and then skip out on the bills and travel the country with a totally new image. Skirts and high heels and lipstick. No more flats or tennis shoes or tee shirts. Wearing a silk scarf over my hair to protect it from being windblown. Big sunglasses and large floral print suitcases. Me and the world. I'm clenching again.

Nothing tragic is happening to me right now, so I don't understand my current tenseness. Life is, as a matter of fact, going quite well. I'm busy and having fun and becoming closer to friends and Hubb and I are wonderful. I just can't shake this thing that is pestering me. Neither can I pinpoint it. It's like an itch on an amputated finger. I can't find it and I don't know what is causing it and I can't do anything but let it annoy me.

Maybe it is the slowdown at work that is making me itchy. Maybe it is the thoughts and plans for trips out of the state, out of the country. Maybe I need a vacation earlier than I think. And some new dresses.

So I'm going to Atlanta in three weeks. Three weeks from today. To be with my best friend of more than 20 years, her brother, his wife. See their mom. Relax, shop a little bit, hang out with my girlfriend. Get to know her again, as her life has changed so dramatically since I saw her last in April. In Hawaii.

There is a girl I see almost every day walking to the train. She is adorable and petite and always looks so hip and put together with bright red lipstick, sharp jackets, skirts and patterned stockings. Big trendy purses. I want to be her some days. Or at least be her friend. Laughing out loud for hours on end in a hip bar drinking martinis. In another place.

Then I realize that my busy happy life is good and wonderful and real. And this is exactly where I have always wanted to be. I keep expecting tragedy, something tremendous and remarkable to send me on my way, to change the way things are. It's good and it's ok to be solid, steady, trusting of the now. But it's oh so difficult for me. And it is a struggle I can't keep myself from returning to again and again.

random nothingness:

- so my wonderful brother in law gave me a cooking.com gift certificate for christmas. perfect. so i got a new calphalon omelette pan and nigella lawson measuring spoons. the pan is fabulous and amazing, and the measuring spoons are just about the most precious things i have ever seen in my life. i want to carry them with me wherever i go and eat with them and measure out everything i put in my mouth. this picture does them no justice. you have to feel the weight and the comfort and the cuteness in your hand for yourself.

- i have a pimple in a dimple on my cheek. and i can't stop saying that in my head.

- i'm getting matching red fiesta ware pie plates. this excites me to no end. now my quiche and my apple pie can wear the same cooking dish.

- i need a drink tonight. 35 minutes and counting....

Best. Weekend. Ever. I mean it. I got better (yay), and....

1. warm cuddly date with the hubb, watching March of the Penguins, eating popcorn, drinking streuss, sleeping in.

2. dinner and a party, fun times, getting to know people better, wearing pants that didn't fit quite right two weeks ago. and...jello shot birthday cake. best idea, really.

3. shopping! overhearing this comment, which for some reason made me smile for about 45 minutes: "I've come to the conclusion that I really like Starbucks. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but it's true; I love it." seeing a grammatical error on a billboard for a hospital "its", not "it's". signing a petition to treat elephants better in illinois. compliments on nearly every part of my ensemble, making me want to wear that outfit every single day. odwalla for lunch, ginger chews to ease my belly, and.....

i am beautiful at state and washington.

and....

jeans story: i entered a little boutique to see what their sale was like. i tried on $160 jeans marked down 1/2 price. they fit dreamily, make my ass look amazing, elongated my legs. but...they were about two feet too long. i decided that i shouldn'd have to hem $160 jeans, and tearfully put them back. onwward. stopped by another store, tried on $110 jeans with a terrible shredded hem that were marked down to $30. they fit dreamily, were funky but not too funky that i couldn't wear them, were too long, but the hem was terrible so i wouldn't mind hemming them. i bought them. and to my surprise, they rang up for $20. so perfect. i hemmed them and dremmeled them and have been wearing them ever since.

4. dinner and monopoly with friends. the best chicken pot pie that i have ever eaten. ever. and i owned all of the railroads. it was a golden evening.

So I've been battling this cold/flu thing for the last week; no appetite, no energy, constant headache...I've been concentrating on comfort and warmth. My bed, comfy pants, tea, tea, tea.

I'm suddenly enamored with anything and everything apricot. Dried apricots, apricot tea, apricot sauces, apricot jelly. It is a fruit that I had never paid much attention to, but have decided might be one of my favorites. It's so interesting how my tastes keep changing as I age.

I have backlogs of cooking and decorating magazines to read, but even with time off from work, my headache is keeping me from doing anything productive. I paid two bills and I had to take a nap.

Nothing is sexier than a man who knows food. Which is why I adore Jamie Oliver, Tyler Florence, and despite his chain smoking, and subtle resemblance to a turtle, Anthony Bourdain. And although I've fought it for years, it is extremely satisfying to let my husband take control of the kitchen. Heaven is having your man cook for you. We'll be making this a regular occurrence, believe you me.

Time for another nap.

I'm increasingly listy, so here's another, albeit short, one:

a. Celebrity news reporter sighting! I saw Ana Belaval at Habit yesterday morning. I saw her on TV, then I go to catch the bus and she's totally there! She is by far my favorite WGN reporter. I have a mild crush on her and her adorable Puerto Rican accent.

b. I am going to Paris next winter for a girls' trip. It is destined to be amazing and I can't wait to eat crepes, visit the Louvre, and drink plenty of wine with my girlfriends.

c. My mom is an incredibly spiritual, holistic, all natural kind of woman, and she keeps telling me about how fasting for a day can give you all kinds of both physical and mental health benefits. And after slowly growing into my "fat pants" this winter, I think I may try it.

d. I'm still in love with Small Things. This necklace in particular, in a red cherry blossom, please.

The last few days, a review:

:( Hubb got hit by a car. He's ok, but we're both shaken up by it.

:( Dentist appointment. I need a night guard. How sexy is that?

:) Gallery openings on Friday, inspiration by ceramics and book crafts. Names of artists I can't remember...visiting a friend's beautiful studio and gaping like a fool at the ceramics tools, wheel and kiln. Dreaming of getting something started. Handbuild in my basement? I need to buy a used wheel.

:) Shopping, museuming, dinnering, drinking with the Hubb. An all day date. Discovering Herman Yu, inspiring graphics. Absolutely stunning, and right up my alley. I want to wear his calendar instead of just using it at my desk at work. Then...dance hall party and Red Stripe. A burrito and passing out at 4am. I had never really been a night owl until very recently.

:) Trying on bridesmaid dresses for a wedding I am not in. It was fun, and I felt wonderful and frilly and girlie and I need more of that sometimes. I fell in love with a party dress, and next time I need to be semi-formal and cute, I might consider buying it.

:) Shopping and finding pants that fit! And the most wonderfully comfortable underwear and great sweaters, and buying more wine glasses, and tumblers that match. I've recently been obsessed with things matching. Now my wine glasses and daily glassware are by the same manufacturer, and follow the lines of my new dishes quite nicely. Matchy.

:( Being terribly tired today and wearing heels and walking too much already and my feet still hurt from a) new year's and b) dancing too much on Saturday. Dinner tonight, new restaurant, friends and martinis.

:) Busy week and finally meeting up with friends. Sewing. Beading. Cooking. Warm and fuzzy and not too cold outside. Winter...what?

Top 5 things I learned in 2005
1. It is ok for me to be snobby about a) cooking, b) wine, and c) decorating.
2. I will never stop buying shoes. But better to waste money on shoes than crack, I say.
3. How to make delicious potstickers.
4. I can make jewelry.
5. How to play mah jongg.

Top 5 most wonderful foods I ate in 2005
1. Lasagna roll thing that isn't on the menu anymore at Settimana.
2. Eggs benedict on a risotto cake at Settimana's brunch. Oh. My. God.
3. Mascarpone mac and cheese at Mod. (rip)
4. Kalua pork in Hawaii.
5. Roast duck with apricots at Francesca's Forno.

Top 5 things I am embarrassed about doing in 2005
1. Drinking too much on New Year's Eve 2004-5.
2. Eating close to 3 dozen homemade potstickers in one sitting.
3. Saying things I shouldn't have. (on more than one occasion)
4. Finally owning more shoes than will fit in my closet.
5. Watching Episode 1 of Party/Party and enjoying it. A total train wreck, that show.

Top 5 events participated in in 2005
1. Linny and Glenn's wedding.
2. Family reunion.
3. Trip to Hawaii to spend a week with my best friend.
4. Caribou at the Empty Bottle.
5. Preparing my first Thanksgiving dinner in my own home.

Top 5 terrible things that happened to me in 2005
1. Losing our 93 year old Nana, October.
2. Losing my dog, Chester, November.
3. Learning of my Great Aunt's lung cancer.
4. Losing track of two old friends.
5. Finding out that we owed a crapload of money to the IRS.

Top 5 wonderful things that happened to me in 2005
1. Landing a new job that I adore.
2. Welcoming a new little nephew into our family, July.
3. Exciting news of 2 more babies on the way, via my two cousins.
4. Selling the car.
5. Winning an iPod Nano.

Top 5 discoveries of 2005
1. Sudoku.
2. Angelic Organics.
3. Taylor Street Cheese Sprinkle.
4. Santa Ema 60/40 Cab/Merlot.
5. Philosophy The Present.

In 2005 I vowed to:

1. Get in shape.
2. Be less judgmental and less critical.
3. Spend more money paying off loans and less on new crap.
4. Be more crafty.
5. Be less controlling of my kitchen domain, and let Hubb do some cooking.

In 2005 I actually:

1. Gained 10 pounds.
2. Got in trouble with my judgmental and critical self, hurt some feelings, and made a total ass of myself.
3. Bought lots and lots of new crap, and paid the loans down just a little bit. Saved nothing.
4. Started making jewelry!
5. Let Hubb cook maybe one meal. When I wasn't home.

In 2006 I vow to:

1. Can you guess it? Lose 10 pounds.
2. Drop the snotty attitude and just plain enjoy people. I was pleasantly surprised by a turnaround in my opinions on one or two people last year, and I find that I enjoy people a lot more when I'm not trying to find faults in them.
3. Buy fewer things, but nicer things. Bargains are great, but they usually fall apart quickly. I also vow to make more of an effort to choose independent and local over chain and mass produced. And take more pictures. And post them. Ok, we're getting carried away here...
4. Make more jewelry and sell some of it. Depart-ment is calling my name.
5. Learn how to cook something fancy. Something with duck. And invite friends over to eat it.

Apparently I tend to repeat myself every year, so I'm obviously pretty bad with this whole New Year's Resolution thing.